THE NARCISSIST IS SO VULNERABLE AND YOU CAN CAUSE THEM TO SUFFER FROM NARCISSISTIC INJURIES TOO! POST NO.28/N (A 15 minute read)
Some weeks ago now I found myself a style guide on YouTube. With my thoughts gathering ever more towards the future ME, it was one of this lady´s (FRENCH CHIC) videos in which she talked of self-respect, that gave me something of a kick up the backside! It was just what I NEEDED to hear. It makes for very interesting listening and here is the link for that video: 18 SIGNS THAT SHOW YOU ARE NOT BEING ELEGANT!
Though why I ever NEEDED to find advice from professional stylists at this stage of my life is probably the mystery! But if you are following closely my words as I reveal the truth of NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, you will be noticing that right from the beginning of the relationship, the NARCISSIST was making his very, strong opinions regarding my clothing attire known to me!
As such, he began CONDITIONING what I wore and consequently he INFLUENCED my choice of clothes bought over the years. I have become lost along the way. I lost myself at 28 years of age and am now trying to find myself again at 58 years of age. YES! Almost three decades have passed me by and I really don´t know where I am at as a woman anymore!
I NEED advice and with this French lady who is of a similar age to me, I am beginning to build a clearer picture of the future me. Though I do need to trim down a size first, of course. I went on to watch more of this lady´s videos, one of which was about decluttering your wardrobe and organizing it properly.
My own wardrobe is groaning for some new items and to throw out an awful lot of very, old items. But oddly enough, I had organized the NARCISSIST´S wardrobe just as my new style guide was recommending.
There it was! Time to have a declutter of HIS wardrobe. It is not as though I have not been periodically trying to declutter HIS wardrobe fully but he does put up a stubborn resistance when it comes to certain very, old items. WHY? I used to ask myself, when they are so faded, stretched and shabby now!
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| GOOD RIDDANCE TO THE PAST! Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash. |
GOOD RIDDANCE TO THE NARCISSIST´S DESIGNER LABELLED FALSE-SELF!
Even as I have been pushing myself to go over all the early weeks, months and years of this NARCISSISTIC relationship, I have been able to understand his mind set better than ever before. All of these clothes that I longed to throw out were his designer labelled clothes. HE had bought them when he was a business man, when he was someone! (As he saw himself!)
These were his status symbols. They reminded him of who he used to be, as seen through his eyes of course! It did not matter that they were faded, threadbare and looking out dated too. Little by little, I have been able to throw out many of those items that came with him when we met. Somehow it FELT significant to me to now get more of his FALSE-SELF out of my life.
Having flattered him to the hilt telling him how stylish he was and how he needed a good wardrobe clear out now that he was retired as he didn´t need the same clothing now that he was not working. He could part with many things now.
So, I set to work and went pulling out one thing after another. I knew what I wanted gone!! Each time I took a pile of clothes through to the lounge to show him, I saw his eyes redden, his heart rate increased, he got nervous and short of breath. I continued with my flattery and how nice he looked in his newer clothes.
I told him that we had aged and could now wear different things. I was torturing him and I knew it! Oh, how good it FELT! I was throwing his FALSE-SELF out. These items by Levi´s, Burberry´s, Lacoste, Ellesse, etc., had been worn by a parasitic NARCISSIST who had latched onto a female whose family had supported him into business!
He had come up in the world! "Look at me Dad? Designer clothes and a new car, to say nothing of my own business! Take that!" By the time we had come eight months into our relationship, the work overalls had become his regular day wear once more and the designer labels were for the weekend only!
They ALL belonged to his life before me! Indeed, whilst this may be hard for you all to believe, it is none the less true, when I say that the only things he talks about to me are snippets from his life before he met me. We never refer to anything related to our relationship or our twenty-nine years spent together.
He thinks about before he met me and I think about before I met him! We are both stuck in the same day that we met. Neither of us has grown at all as adults. I have made no progress in my life at all. He has made it to retirement age with a bigger pension than his father had. That has been his life´s aspiration, sad to say!
Well, I kept going and kept going, it FELT like twisting a knife in an open wound. Sorry readers but when you have been so abused for so long, a little bit of revenge does FEEL good. As soon as it was dark I took four large bin bags of old, designer labelled clothing out to the bins and stood under a starry sky, I threw them into the container and said, "GOOD RIDDANCE to you and your FALSE-SELF!"
It wasn´t a 100% clear out but I can say that what remains is now just 1% of the FALSE-SELF´S trappings when I met him. Listen to this though! He had to cut off all the designer labels before I threw them out and he has put them somewhere to keep. His snippets to remind him of his former FALSE-SELF. His TROPHIES!!!!
It has FELT like a death of sorts to me. Now that I know it was a FALSE-SELF that I met and not a genuine person, I find that I hate all that is and was, connected to that early FALSE-SELF. It FELT brilliant throwing him away. That is how it FELT to me. I was DISCARDING the visible, material memories of that male who so lied to me.
I am now DEVALUATING and DISCARDING him in stages. Going through the episodes that made up the series and rounding off those series. They meant nothing to him emotionally speaking and I know that I became TRAUMA BONDED to him. It is those bonds that I must now break down completely.
THEY SAY THE CAMERA NEVER LIES!
No, the camera captures the image in front of the lense but how genuine that image is or not, is another matter, isn´t it? I decided to go through my box of photos and DISCARD any photos of the NARCISSIST that I may have had that belonged to this first series of our lives.
There were not many actually. I had a camera and regularly took photos of my nephew but I did not FEEL the need even then, to take any photos of the NARCISSIST or of myself for that fact. NO! I did not want to remember myself and I did not need any reminders of him.
There were a few photos though and with no regret at all, I tore them up and threw them in the bin. DISCARDING the FALSE IMAGES. The big smiles that belied his real truth. NO! I did not need to have any reminders of his duplicity or my unhappiness.
Looking through all of the photos that I have got here with me, makes it so abundantly clear that I really did have a completely different life before this one. A life that had so very little in common with this newer one and I have wanted that former life back always, that much I have always known!
I have been grieving the loss of my former life always but it has only been in the last five years that I have begun to grieve the loss of MYSELF. I FEEL that whilst my nephew was in my life, I was still MYSELF with him and he was HIMSELF with me but since he has been missing from my life, I have disappeared into INVISIBILITY!
The few photos of ME during that time do remind me though, of how genuine my efforts were at all times. What was always REAL, was the relationship between me and my nephew. Once he was gone, I could no longer communicate with anyone as MY REAL SELF. I became a secret to all and sundry!
That didn´t bother me though! I did not want anyone to know anything about me. Already I was suffering from shame, embarrassment and fear. What a mix! I still FEEL the shame and the embarrassment but so much less fear. I am beginning to heal.
My nephew and me were genuine. He was REAL and the life that we were living was REAL, of course it was. That is because my purpose was REAL. My vision of the future was REAL. But my vision and my purpose, which were supposedly supported and upheld, had never held any significance to the NARCISSIST.
This ill-fated relationship was never about me and my nephew, oh, NO! It was always about saving his NARCISSISTIC-SELF from going under and drowning. And I was used then, as I have been ever since, as a float, something to help keep him out of deep water! How absurd then that it was I who thought that he was keeping me afloat.
I can see through my in depth learning of the NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER and all of the strategies that the NARCISSIST employs, that what in effect he has achieved in doing is completely exchange his thoughts with me and have me believe that EVERYTHING is the reverse of what it actually is!
It is HE who cannot survive without leaching in some way of other people but what could be better than having your own personal supply of plentitude at your own personal disposition twenty-four hours a day. HE truly did succeed in completely disrupting my COGNITIVE RESONANCE and without the help and guidance of some on-line therapists and self-confessed NARCISSISTS, I would still be struggling to get a grip on this hideous REALITY that is mine!
There are the memories that belong to me and my nephew. Those I shall bring through time with me. I have no need to throw out my nephew and me, NO, our relationship was very REAL, although it was also built upon TRAUMA. Our love for each other though, was genuine and I trust that it will be able to withstand all the challenges to it!
I began by likening this relationship to a path of dominoes. On one side was a reflection of someone just like me and on the other was a demon´s evil face (the REAL face of the NARCISSIST). Even as he buried his REAL face value in the ground, he allowed me to walk over the other face (the FALSE-SELF).
He was giving me stepping stones of a sort and he was. But this was calculated of course! Because for each step that I took on his stepping stones, I was punished through DEVALUATION, DISCARD and then SILENCE! Not maybe at the time of stepping, OH, NO! But each step was being listed, all the things I did for you!
In truth though, every flash (RED FLAGS) of the REAL face value that I got, that is to say each raging, verbal attack on me and my behaviour, saw me reduced to my knees. And in those moments of my total vulnerability, he would REVERSE the roles and I would get my nose buried in the dirt and he would step firmly on me.
I have become his foundation stone, when I thought he had become mine. I thought that I would be lost without him and yet it was he, who would have been in deep S**T if it had not been for me. TRAUMA BONDING makes for very painful and toxic relationships. But the male NARCISSIST will use that vulnerability to work on your insecurities and destroy your sense of self.
Living as a shadow of MYSELF has been so shameful for me, it has been so embarrassing for me, it has been so painful for me, it has been so fruitless for me, it has been so lonely and empty for me. But in order to heal properly, I/we, must admit our truth and the part that we have played in ENABLING this situation to continue.
FEAR has always been the reason why escaping has seemed impossible, that is the truth. I have been tricked into having a sense of LOYALTY towards my CHARACTER ASSASINATOR. That is to be TRAUMA BONDED. I hate him truly now, so much so that it is necessary to kill him off and remove him from my memory stores.
Each of the paving slabs/dominoes that I had walked over in these two and a half years discussed, has been raised up and I have forced myself to stare at the face value of each slab/domino. All that I can see now is a demon´s face on each and every one of them. They are now planted in the ground as tomb stones.
And even as the light shines upon the REAL face of each slab/domino, the demon´s face begins to wither and fade. Just as the other side, the Prince Charming side is too. Now that the REAL side is on permanent view, so too is the true light of day penetrating the shallow image of his FALSE-SELF and it is dissipating that completely as well.
This is what it is to REVEAL the NARCISSIST truly to you, yourself and admit to yourself that you have never been happy really. You have been AFRAID always though! But afraid of what?
Thanking you ALL for reading again today, it is lovely to have you on board. I would so enjoy hearing your thoughts and views. In the next post I will pick up my thread and line up the next run of dominoes! Have a great evening!