HAVING THE HANDS OF YOUR BODY CLOCK HELD STILL BY THE FORCE OF ANOTHER, IS THE BEGINNING OF YOUR SLEEPING BEAUTY EXISTENCE! POST NO.4/H (A 10 minute read)
It always amazed me actually that the male NARCISSIST never complained about my going back to bed after he had left. I really didn´t want him to think me lazy. As such, when I did finally arise from my slumber, I would get stuck into house work, home-making crafts, shopping, cooking, etc. to make it look like I had done something useful with my day!!
What of course, I truly did not realize at that time, indeed, up until very recently, was that the NARCISSIST´S ploy had been just that! To have me so zonked out that I literally couldn´t cope with any working life outside of my home. That was what he had always intended to be my PLACE in HIS FANTASY life.
And so, I can see now with great clarity, how I have suffered from a GUILT complex with regards to my own physical inability to keep a regular employment. He has never wanted me to work. He has always wanted to have his whore/mother taking care of his hovel and providing him with a legitimate status as an ADULT male!!
A settled, mature, family man. A hard working, respectable man who was a good husband too. What a farce? What a farce we have been living and continue to live. It beggars believe. I provided the scenery and the backdrop for his play/farce and unwittingly I became his leading actress, who was supposed to diligently read the lines that he wrote for me!
Maybe it was because of my GUILTY complex at not working and earning money myself, which meant that I was not contributing financially to the costs of this relationship, that I became CINDERELLA and RAPUNZEL in the first place. I was trying to compensate him in kind as I was unable to contribute economically.
But did he ever have a go at me for not working outside the home? No; he never did! Or at least not until the last ten years or so and now, it is all my fault that I don´t have a pension to come! I should not have been so lazy and work shy all these years. Now I would have to live within his means and accept that gracefully.
Not only that but that I should be eternally grateful for his discipline and resistance that HE had a pension to come his way on retirement. PROJECTION IDENTIFICATION there again. HE should be eternally grateful that I have systematically lived off breadcrumbs, in order that he could recover thirty empty years of tax contributions.
Because if I had been any other person, he would never have been able to repay all that he had outstanding. To say that I have lived below the poverty line for the greater part of this relationship would be absolutely true. There has always been a backlog of HIS to clear up and as such, today has always had to go on hold!
But has anything of mine been taken care of? Of course not! That´s my worry; not HIS! Beyond his death he will no longer NEED me and so what does he care what becomes of me. This was what I really needed to get clear in my mind. See that everything that has been done, has been done for his benefit in the long term.
He has had a clear strategy himself all along. He has just USED and ABUSED me every day of this relationship. And still continues to do so and will continue to do so until I can find the ways to sever ties with him.
FINANCIAL ABUSE IS ALL DEFINING!!
YES! FINANCIAL ABUSE is absolutely yet another of the NARCISSIST´S strategies to keep you totally DEPENDENT on them and hence gain great LEVERAGE over you. You have to ask for everything and you FEEL that you need to justify everything that you want and need.
HE judges whether you can have or not have. HE judges whether or not you NEED whatever and depending on his judgement, you may or may not have. As to what you may want, well, this is entirely dependent on whether he could want that or not. To say that being FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT on a NARCISSIST is crippling, would truly be an understatement.
So, the SLEEP DEPRIVATION strategy is a very powerful one when used daily. I know how I struggled. Anytime that I was sat still, I would fall asleep. I would fall asleep on the train to work. I would fall asleep on the underground train. I would fall asleep in the office. Any moment that I was not in motion; I would switch off like a light.
It FELT like a regression to baby/infant years, when, as I can still remember, waves of tiredness just suddenly washed over me like a tsunami and I couldn´t resist going with them because I knew that I didn´t want to resist them.
But in my now adult life, I had to resist them. I had a time schedule and couldn´t miss any one of the daily deadlines. So, in between falling off to sleep and jumping awake in a panic, I then had to move like greased lightening over to the underground station, on to the train station, then a twenty minute walk to collect my nephew from school!!!!
EXHAUSTION was mine each and every evening. And so, when the NARCISSIST got better placed money wise (or so he led me to believe) and said that maybe I should look for a job closer to home, I succumbed straight away to the idea. YES, that would make a difference; it would.
But of course, that was not his intention at all, though it was mine. I was stunned when my efforts to find a part-time job in town, met with such vehement opposition from him. I had thought he would be pleased that I was actively looking to work and pay my share of everything.
He didn´t want that though and he would verbally sabotage all my good intentions. Given that he presented such fierce oppostion and my nephew was none too settled at school, I FELT that I had best dedicate myself to trying to stabilize my nephew´s psychological well-being.
I gave up trying to find work and the NARCISSIST never said any more about the situation until as I have just said, in the last ten years, where now it is all a lost cause for me (according to him). I had made my bed and I had now best lay on it without complaining.
This is where you lose your FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE and with that, your life style and living standards begin their reduction process. You are now firmly committed (trapped) into the NARCISSIST´S FANTASY life, where you are just his accessory. You are there to serve him only.
I could see clearly how I was losing my ability to make decisions for myself. I had to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, buy anything or pay anything. Being FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT on a NARCISSIST is to live very poorly indeed.
Dr. Ramani explains in this video just how all defining the loss of financial independency is and how it does completely trap you into a very empty, unrewarding and abusive relationship. She also explains how the NARCISSISTS deliberately push you towards FINANCIAL DEPENDENCY. Here is the link to that video: When you are financially dependent on the narcissist (youtube.com)
To round off then this post today, I hope that I have made clear how SLEEP DEPRIVATION leads you to becoming VULNERABLE to this NARCISSISTIC strategy that is creating your FINANCIAL DEPENDENCY on them, so that they can have the upper hand always and therefore a weapon of total control.
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| THE SPELL IS BROKEN AT LAST! Photo by Baran Lotfollahi on Unsplash. |
SLEEPING BEAUTY BEGINS TO WAKE UP AGAIN!!
And not before time, you might add! I can see it all now far too clearly for my liking but I have to face what is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. That is how you break the spells of your "former Prince Charming" and with that, you sever another of the strings that he has got you tied by.
CINDERELLA and RAPUNZEL went on strike first but SLEEPING BEAUTY was still lagging behind. Until the NARCISSIST´S retirement came around. The late nights are still the late nights but I did manage to get him correctly diagnosed as a SLEEP APNEA sufferer twenty years ago and with that he was given a breathing machine and mask to wear at night.
To say that my nights were revolutionized by that machine, would be true. The erratic noise levels were reduced by 90%, although I then had to get used to the whirring sound of the machine but, it was indeed a preferable lesser of the evils. It did allow me to get more continuous sleep in. So provided an improvement of sorts.
Now with no particular reason to be up early, he still sets his alarm although now it is set for 9.30am. His intention is to now, after all these years, try and get eight hours sleep. But he will get up quietly and leave me sleeping! WOW! Has he suddenly become considerate? Of course not!
He wants to get up, get himself washed and dressed with no interaction with me, then go off out for a couple of hours to garner his external day´s worth of NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY. Initially I was continuing to sleep and not wake until he returned, but that did mean that I still wasn´t seeing any of the morning!
Now, as soon as I hear the car pull out of the car park, I jump out of bed and get active whilst he is out! This has become a precious space in every day for me, my only intimate, private time is in this space. It is the only moment of the day when he is not within arms length.
But I have been working very hard at trying to repell him and he really does not sleep easily now. He is now taking sleeping tablets every night and WOW! What a difference that makes to me. He really does sleep very deeply with these tablets and moves very little. At last I am being able to sleep solidly eight, uninterrupted hours every night.
What annoys me, within this GREAT novelty, is the timing though. I NEED to change the time schedule to suit me, that is what is pending now in this pushing back and regaining my ENTITLEMENT to SLEEP when I need to and not when HE needs to.
Thanks for reading me today and in the next post I will explain how NARCISSISTS create eating disorders in their victims. So, please do come back for that and in the meantime, have a great day and a great night´s sleep.