WE HAVE ALL GOT TO FACE OUR DEMONS SOMETIME!

THIS FEMALE INFJ ALSO HAD TO FACE HER DEMONS FOR HER OWN PSYCHOLOGICAL WELL-BEING AND IT WAS SO, VERY PAINFUL! Post No.48 (A 6 minute read)

It was not the first time that I had returned to my country of birth since the passing of my father. No, we had on our first visit back to Gran Bretaña, intended to go home but on arriving at our home city, fear and nausea overcame us and we continued driving until we ran out of road!

Fortunately we were headed eastwards and so, the coast was just thirty minutes from that point!! 

My sister had set up a permanent home in London and we had been and visited her there. But still we could not steel ourselves for a return to our home village. Knowing now as we did, that our family home was no longer our family home. My mother had sold it and moved on. Our home as we knew it and loved it, was GONE.

We had just our beautiful memories left with us and carrying them now together with the burden of pain and grief for the loss of our beloved father, was quite overwhelming. We could not contemplate coming close to that reality that was now ours. An era of our lives had ended and we had not wanted it to, not ever!

Good morning to you ALL around the world. G´ Day to you down under, of course you are up way before me here, where it is almost 11am right now, with a clear sunny sky but with a seasonally chilly air. Bloody cold inside though!!

For those of you who are looking my way for the first time, I should maybe tell you that you are reading a continuous thread of my trains of thought. As written down in my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN and it is that book which I am reviewing here on my blogspot.

I began in November 2022 and there is a post index on the left side of the page. The posts are all dated and numbered so that I do not get out of order here too! Not being a tidy sort myself. I go running off into the sunset and then THINK about the prep work!!!! I just INTUITIVELY follow my FEELINGS and JUDGE myself really.

Though I am longing to have some feedback! I am longing to hear from others, I really am. So, back to the book and chapter forty-six. Yes, this is a BIG book, I had a lot stored up, I did! FACING THE DEMONS is the title. I quote myself from this chapter:

We were on the train homeward bound, nostalgia trips bombarding me from every angle! I wanted to turn back! I could not get on the train, NO, I could not! If you have been reading closely you will know why this will be! The last time I had been on that train had been with my sister and Puppy almost eight years before. After my mother´s phone call to let us know that our beloved Dad was dying!

Every time I had come into the platform, he had been there waiting for me! It had been my mother waiting on that occasion. Even that was proof to me that what she said was true! "What! No Dad to meet me?" Where would we ALL have been without our wonderful Dads who were ever ready to pop out to train stations and bus stations to meet us! It was painfully symbolic!

The train moved from Suffolk countryside to Norfolk countryside and I dashed to the toilet! I was in there still when we came to a standstill in my home city. I was between diahorrea and vomiting! I kept nearly losing consciousness! "He would not be there!" I did not want to get off the train!

My mother and younger sister were coming down the platform with a trolley. I was here, I was home! I swayed and I passed out! End of quote.

THE TWO MALE LOVES OF MY LIFE, MY BELOVED LATE FATHER AND MY DARLING PUPPY! HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS AND MY INFJ HEART WILL ALWAYS BELONG THERE!

I get very choked up reading through these painful years of my life. But I still had to go to my father´s grave and begin the process of accepting the real truth. My beloved father now lay buried underground in our beautiful village cemetery, so well-known to us. Seeing is believing they say! I quote myself again:

A new relationship was taking shape between my mother and I. It is a very good one and I now realize, contrary to my previous beliefs, that she is probably one of the few people who really know me as I am! I rarely reveal much of myself to anyone now. One of our first ports of call had to be the cemetery sadly. I had not been since my father´s burial and whilst the church and its pretty cemetery had been a regular and so familiar part of my life, but it had now become a hostile place since my father was lying under the earth there!

The diahorrea and vomiting came over me instantly as my mother led us to the grave. My knees buckling, I fell in a prostrate pile on my father´s grave and felt that I would like to stay there for the rest of my life. Half supported, half carried, I was led away. I had been to my father´s grave for the first time. I had seen his name engraved on the tombstone, it was real! I was not ever going to see my Dad again! He had gone FOREVER!! End of quote.

The new owners of our former family home had so very kindly invited us to come over. I had not been able to say goodbye. Our Dachshunds had their graves in our garden; painful memories. My elder sister who as a child, was often planting seeds, had success with a holly tree, which was now rather large. I went up to my former bedroom and found my curtains still at the windows. The lilac and mauve colours which I had chosen were still the same.

It was pain, pain, pain, pain and a bit more pain. Facing the truth of this ended era of our lives and still I mourn. At the same time, my mother had met a new partner, my younger sister was living with her partner, I had now been seven years with my partner. We were all estranged from each other. Dad had been our bonding element, without him, we had all drifted apart.

This visit was the beginning of building ties once again and we met all of our extended family too. WE did not want to leave Puppy and I. But we had to! He was moving into secondary school now. It was not long before my mother moved again, this time to Spain! First to Tabernas, Almería and then to here, where I am right now, in her apartment!! Her mistake has become my saviour!

My elder sister, sick of life in London, decided to go back to studying and enrolled herself into our city university and undertook her nursing degree. WOW!!! My big sister could always make her own decisions, she was a 100% JUDGE remember. It was 2009 when she qualified and I was so proud of her, so, so proud of my beloved elder sister. 

She had moved back to our home area and was ready to begin a new era now as district nurse. WELL DONE sister, you were the best example that I could ever have had and I MISS YOU. 

The tears are now overwhelming me and so, I will round off for this post. In chapter forty-seven I am OFF DOWN ANOTHER TRACK and go do some more travelling and exploring and lose my beloved elder sister.

Have you suffered as I from changes of eras? Have you been lost since you could no longer go HOME? Have you had to face your demons and found it almost soul destroying? How have you coped with your important losses in your life?

Thank you all for reading. Please do FEEL welcome to comment and share your thoughts with me. Until then, I will head off on another track right now, one of Mark Knopfler´s I think. The tears have to be shed, they do!

You can find my book on Amazon: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book and ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback

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