THE NARCISSIST SPINS A WEB TO TRAP YOU IN?

MANY OF US KNOW THAT WE HAVE BECOME ENTANGLED WITH A NASTY, CONTROLLING MALE BUT HOW DID WE GET TRAPPED? POST NO.7/N (A 12 minute read)

Continuing on from the previous post and the next phase of NARCISSISTIC abuse in a new sentimental relationship. So far the NARCISSIST had worked consistently on breaking all of your important bonds with family and friends, which had left you FEELING isolated and ostracized. In other words; you are now VERY VULNERABLE!

He is your saviour, he will stand by you, he knows what you are worth. "You are too good for all of them!" he will tell you and "You are better off without them!" "You don´t need them, you have got me!" And now being severed from many of those long-standing connections with your reality, the NARCISSIST has succeeded in manouevring you into his own true space of VULNERABILITY!

He can now begin to reflect his self upon you and as you have no one else to contradict him, you fall into his web of chains. He has you trapped by your own desire for intimacy and understanding, together with sexual reciprocity. He has turned you away from all that was good and positive and is now trying to get you totally tuned into his own negative vibes!

THE CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR BEGINS!

I can see that point in this relationship here and now in retrospect and though I did not know what lay around the corner for me, I do know that INFJ type as I am, I did FEEL that he was trying to dominate my doings and comings and goings!

When one evening this NARCISSIST refused to take me home and indeed took us a long way from my home, my beloved father stood up to defend his daughter. There were always two people in my life whose love was unconditional; my father and my elder sister.

The police were informed that I was missing, surely with this NARCISSIST male. The other set of parents confirmed this too and fortunately for me, we were found in the early hours of the morning and my father told this NARCISSIST male that he was to not come near me again!

I was packed off to my grandmother´s home for a month and whilst my anguish was absolute initially, as the days passed by, I began to FEEL safer again and knew that I really did not need that relationship at all. I crossed paths with a regular guy type in my grandmother´s town and actually explained to him all that had been going on!

"Promise me that you won´t ever go back with him! You have got off lightly! He is a nasty piece of work, be sure of that!" He reminded me what it was to have a normal conversation with a positive, light-hearted, happy, easy-going male again. How different that FELT. There was no tension, no flare-ups of tempers, just chat and laughter.

He wrote his phone number on a bit of paper and put in into the back pocket of my jeans. I will say this to anyone reading right now, "ALWAYS CHECK YOUR POCKETS AND BAG BEFORE YOU GO TO SEE YOUR NARCISSIST!" I had forgotten about this bit of paper and out on my first night back in my home town, I crossed paths with my NARCISSIST.

KNOWING PHYSICAL VIOLENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME!

I still cannot understand how my resolve gave way under his pressuring and in spite of all the warning signals, I went back with him. His hands were all over my buttocks and the fingers went in my pockets! I am not going to write up the words spoken but suffice to say that his ego was damaged, even though we were officially separated, according to him I had been unfaithful and needed putting in my place!

Bang, crash, wallop, I did not even know what had happened. I just knew that I was on the floor with my head spinning and blood pouring down my cheek and throat. "It is your fault!" I was told. "How could I hurt him so badly? How could I care so little about him?" But this time, I could not get away. 

He quickly changed tack and cleansed my wounds, apologizing profusely at the same time but reminding me that it had been my fault, I had provoked that fit of rage. Bearing in mind that all I had done was have a few chats with this regular guy, I could hardly believe this response of his. But of course, he was NARCISSIST; not a regular guy.

It was the very first time that I had seen my face disfigured and heavily bruised. I was terrified and I knew that I had to break free from this awful male. He found every which way to tie me to him and it was during the school summer holidays that I found myself literally trapped and locked up in his home with his parents off on holiday.

Prior to that moment in time, I had by pure coincidence crossed paths one night with another Prince Charming (a real one), who was the elder brother of a primary school girl-friend. He saw me being treated with something less than kindness that night and also slipped me his telephone number and said, "If you need help, please call me, whatever time of day or night!"

Like I was going to get the chance to communicate with anyone other than this damned NARCISSIST! The actual details are now hazy in my mind as I worked very hard to get over this whole ugly, painful episode of my life, which was just six months or so but seemed like an eternity.

I could see that this male was not a good alcohol drinker, meaning that with a very small quantity of alcohol he would start getting very nasty, possessive and dominating. Neither was he a good consumer of recreational drugs, whereas I had become a part-time weed smoker and had a far greater tolerance than he.

It was the only plan that I could in effect execute, being isolated and locked in as I was. So, I encouraged him to get opening his mother´s bottles of German liquers (they were beautiful!!) and get guzzling. Then the smoke and anyone who is not a weed smoker will find that if they have drunk a good amount of alcohol prior to smoking weed, they will very likely pass out!

That is what I was counting on! I had made an attempt to leave when he was sleeping a few days earlier but he had heard me and blocked my escape but of course, now he was on the alert. I had been severely punched and could barely see out of one eye, such was the swelling. My top lip looked as though I had overdone the Botox and I was in physical and mental agony!

MAKE-UP IN THIS PICTURE! I REMEMBER THE PAIN OF REAL BRUISING! Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash.

STEP UP THE REAL PRINCE CHARMING!

I was being so loving and sweet natured with him, trying to lull him into a false sense of security, which I succeeded in doing. His guard was down and I piled on the intoxication, I was giving him blow-backs and I could see that yes, I was going to be able to knock him out for the count.

He was out, unconscious, in the land of total oblivion and I wasted not one second in getting my things together and climbing out of the kitchen window. It was somewhere around 3am and out in the countryside as we were, total silence lay over the neighbourhood.

I ran and I ran. I knew I had some 5 miles between me and home and all of that lay across open fields. He had a motorbike, I was on foot. There was a telephone box! I had just the one coin and I phoned my saviour. "I´m on my way!" he said. "Keep yourself out of sight just in case! I´ll be 10 minutes!"

When I heard the engine of a car and saw the headlights coming in my direction, I FELT such a sense of relief. He leapt out of the car and helped me in. "Come on, you´re safe now. I´m taking you home!" First though, we stopped at his house and I thought, "OH, NO! Have I got to pay for this favour in kind?"

He made me a strong coffee and got the first aid kit out and began treating my wounds. I was shaky and anxious, terrified as I explained the ordeal that I had suffered. "Don´t be afraid of me, I am not going to take advantage of your vulnerability! I am not like him!"

I did not want to go home and face my family but he convinced me that it was what I had to do and as he said, I owed him a favour. "How about we go out for dinner when you´re healed and we´ll have a good talk about it all!"

Yes, I did go out with him for the evening a few weeks further down the line and we had such a laugh together, he was such good company. The contrast with the violent NARCISSIST that I had just escaped from could not have been greater. "NO, NO, NO and NO, I assured him. There will be no going back now!"

THE AFTERMATH OF THE DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH A MALE NARCISSIST!

As I found out myself personally, the physical wounds heal pretty quickly but the psychological wounds take a lot longer to even begin to heal. I am having to stop again and again now as I am writing, to wipe away the torrents of tears. I am torturing myself right now but this will be the end of this demon. I am exposing him to the light of day. I will no longer cover up his truth and I will off load my SHAME in doing so.

I had missed so much school time and had fallen way behind. My school insisted that I went for therapy, which meant more classes missed. I had suffered from a rare reaction to the BCG vaccine that we had been given at school the year before which had left me with a festering crater in my left upper arm. That was requiring initially, twice weekly trips to a specialist hospital for treatment!

That meant even more school time missed! I was in a mess and had it all to do! But it was my young female therapist who pulled just the right trigger. My father!!!! "I didn´t want to hurt my father and I was crippling him!" That was the beginning of my cure and bless my father´s heart and all of his parental care. He stood by me so steadfastly and completely and totally supported me in my catching up.

I was a year behind in my course work. I was being told that I would not be sitting exams. My father would see that I got the chance to sit my end of secondary school exams even though he had to pay for the privilege. It was a truly unhappy six months with so much going on and the fear of ignominy beckoning me!

My mother on the otherhand, did not miss any opportunity to have a go at me. My father would tell her again and again. "Give over! Let the past belong to the past! STOP raking up old ground!" Together we pooled our resources and well, with a truly talented man like my father, that was ever going to give me a tremendous boost.

He lined US up a task list and a work schedule to try and get all of this course work done so that I could at least meet the deadlines for handing in that two years worth of work, without which I would not be eligible to sit the written part of the exams.

HIS history project was just outstanding! When the envelope arrived in the post at home with the exam results, my father´s first question was "How did WE do with the history project, luvvie?" "Grade A Dad, Grade A! What would I do without you, my beloved Dad?" OUR history project was never returned to me infact.

It was taken on a tour of the secondary school circuit and shown as a perfect model of how to put together a soild history project. My beloved Dad´s work was used as an example to all! Brilliant Dad, just brilliant! "So WE did pretty well then, didn´t WE? You see how much WE were able to salvage in just a fraction of the time alloted!"

Much of the rest was a foregone conclusion really! Very high grades for my English language and English literature. The literature being possible because my elder sister had read those books and shared her knowledge of them with me. I FELT like a jammy bugger for passing that one with top grades, I did. 

The English language was all my own work and I had got two years together in the space of three months. We had to do a talk on a chosen subject for 15 minutes too, with questions from the examiners on the chosen topic. We had the use of the blackboard and ourselves. No, I had not had time to prepare anything in this case.

Off the cuff, I stood in front of the examiners and did an in depth talk on the usage or abusage of recreational drugs. Both stimulants and depressants. Drawing cannabis plants and opium plants on the blackboard, writing their scientific names in Latin and explaining the effects of their usage, positive and negative, along with the secondary effects.

My confidence was sublime as it always is when I really know what I am talking about. When the question and answer time began, well, like I did not get a grilling from those examiners, who seemed HELL BENT on tripping me up somewhere! They were not able to do so. "Very well researched, very well presented. Very knowledgeable answering to all questions asked. Clearly has a full domination of the subject matter." Another top grade.

Drama, I was a natural and have been acting solidly for the last 28 years with this NARCISSIST who I have shared life with. Top grade there, of course. Maths, very good too! French, no sweat, top grade too! "Not too bad luvvie, not too bad!" said my Dad with some relief.

My mother´s take was inevitably, "Just look at what you could have achieved if you had tried?" Yes, she was right but my father took the right line, as always. Don´t re-criminate again and again. Try to repair the damage, put all the efforts into repair and salvage as much as possible, given the late stage of the game!

My love for that one person and his love for me, has been my salvation all my life. I am just grateful that he cannot know of my actual misery but I know that this current NARCISSIST male came in to my life just a year after I lost my father. I was reeling and suicidal, it was this NARCISSIST who stepped up as my new Prince Charming/Dad!

In the next post I will take take you through my recovery process after that first fatalistic,  NARCISSISTIC male. Until then, have a great day yourselves and stay CLEAR of NARCISSISTS, please! If you would like to keep up to date with me, I have a follow tab in the right-hand panel. Or, how about you share your thoughts with me and drop me a comment, I would love to hear from you!