CAN YOU FEEL VIRTUALLY REAL EXPERIENCES, I ASK?

WANDERING OFF DOWN A NEW TRACK IN SEARCH OF SOME REAL EXPERIENCES! Post No.49 (A 12 minute read) 

My pride at my late elder sister´s graduation as a mature student at 45 years of age, was quite immense. Her dedication to her task was admirable to say the least. Computers had come into our lives as adults, we did not have any experiences with all of this, for us at least, new-fangled stuff!!

She struggled with the computer related presentation of all the course work and the length of time that it all took out of class. Her studies and evening work had to combine. It was saturating for her and we had much contact during those years and she would off load on me. So many times she was ready to quit and throw in the towel.

I did my best to encourage her all the way and it was a shared pride when she finally completed the course and passed! She needed a break after qualifying and took Puppy to New York.

That gave me and my partner the ideal opportunity to go away by ourselves somewhere. I had been a long time athletics follower and we had the 2009 World Athletics Championships in Berlin that summer. The other half liked the Berlin idea and so, off we went.

THE LOGO! MY T-SHIRT REMINDER OF THE EVENT!

Because of its recent his-story, I had never considered going to Berlin but having the tickets for the athletics, that would occupy much of our time. It was mid-August and we had left in summer clothes, somewhat later than scheduled!! We arrived minus a suitcase, it had to be the one with the jackets and cardigans in, of course!

It was a grey and windy afternoon that greeted us and having been told that our suitcase would not be coming until tomorrow afternoon, after checking into our hotel, we went in search of a warm layer of clothing! I hate going in to clothes shops, full stop. It is not about the country in particular, I hate clothes shops!!!

No, I was not overly impressed with our hotel room but it did have a roof top breakfast terrace and as the following morning dawned, it marked the beginning of a week long heat wave in Berlin which saw the temperatures rise way over 30ºC. It was hot in the sun.

I had come prepared to sit maybe in the sun for quite a long spell of time in the Olympic Stadium. I had brought a large brimmed sunhat!!! I did not need it in the stadium as we were shaded at all times but once out of the shade, on came the sunhat! I welcomed its shading of my neck, ears and cheeks! The sun has become progressively more and more intense.

That we see from our UV levels here in Spain. It did make Berlin though, an outdoor place to be. The pavements were taken up by tables/chairs and brighly coloured sunshades. The trees which lined the broad avenues were thickly boughed and shining with summer splendour.

The local residents were happily enjoying shorts, short sleeves and sandals time and outdoor living. On the river banks, an artificial sand beach had been set up with deck chairs to enjoy a sit in the sun. I found Berlin very much alive and open. The local residents were very correctly and politely spoken. I FELT very much at ease there.

Prior to our visit, I had spent some time looking at the german language and did have a useful collection of usable words and phrases which I put to very good use! I must get back to the study of german!

Breakfast on the roof top terrace and off to the stadium for our first day´s action. This was a wonderfully well organized Championships, it was! The catering options were the best that I have experienced to date in one of these large meetings! There were marquees set up in the surrounding fields with all sorts of food choices.

The vegetarians had plenty of options. Recycling was forefront of the organizational thinking. We had reusable drinking glasses. There were containers for the used whatevers all around the stadium, each of which was monitored by someone, who ensured that everything went in the right place. It was a very clean event.

Staff would pass along the rows of seating regularly, calling out their collection item. It was well thought through and the german spectators complied with an instructed automation. This was par for course already for them. We are a long way behind other European nations here in Spain when it comes to recycling and the collection of our rubbish.

I had watched so many championships on tv and thoroughly enjoyed every minute but to be in the stadium, is to FEEL the event. To see the athletes that you are so familiar with. It makes everything become 3D when you can see, hear, taste, smell and touch it. But you have to be there to FEEL that experience.

It can only be experience if you lived it first-hand, that is to say, that you ACTUALLY, not VIRTUALLY, FELT it! I quote myself from my book:

The crowd erupted as the girls fell sprawling spent on the track, getting their breath back. Nadine (Kleinert) and Valerie (Vili-Adams) resumed their lap of honour and were now joined by the heptathlon girls. They were round the far side of the track when the 100m sprinters came out to get ready for their final.

This time Usain Bolt was quiet and concentrated as he limbered up waiting to line up. There was so much noise going on, the partying on and off the track was getting more and more lively. All the girls were asked to stay where they were for now, the 100 metre final is ready to go!

As I looked at the eight finalists down on the track in front of me, I could not believe how lucky I was to be there. They were eight modern African descendents. Three African-Americans, five African-American-Caribbeans and one African-American-Caribbean-British born! I had seen so many championships on television but oh, WOW!!!!

The atmosphere you really do not get on television. You do not FEEL the electricity in the air, it is an amazing FEELING! All buzzing with the stimulus being given! Total silence fell, which after three solid hours of chanting, cheering and clapping, took a few minutes for the ensuing buzz to fade in the ears.

They were out of the blocks and over the finish line before we could blink! I knew who had won, oh, yes, but the time? I had a chronometer straight in my line of vision and I think I was the first to see it!!!! I jumped up and started shouting, "USAIN! USAIN!!!!" 

I was pointing to the chronometer. "It is a new WORLD RECORD!" I was shouting! It was made official, yes indeed, a new WORLD RECORD had been clocked up by Mr. USAIN BOLT of Jamaica! The impressive record being 9.58 seconds! Usain was all smiles. Tyson Gay from America took the silver and Jamaican team mate Asafa Powell the bronze.

The celebrations were great indeed, as these three posed and paraded slowly around the Berlin Olympia Stadion, alllowing every single one of us in the audience to get some good photos!

Seventy-three years on from the Berlin Olympic Games, here was yet another generation of modern African descended athletes lining up to be counted! This 2009 crowd was not suffering from racism or prejudice, not at all! There was total respect for all the phenomenally talented athletes who put themselves to the test in front of us all.

I FELT as though star dust was falling into my eyes and on my face. I knew that I had just witnessed a very special moment in time. Twelve years on that record still stands even though Usain himself, has come close to it as have a few other fine sprinters of modern African descent.

I was in an absolute daze when finally my partner led me out of the stadium. The tears of emotion poured down my cheeks. I never thought that I would be in for a treat like that! That privilege had come unforseen!

But for that to happen, you have to be in the right place at the right time! I FELT as though I was walking on air and no one anywhere was talking either! I think we were all slightly stunned to be honest. We could barely believe what our own eyes had just seen! Oh, to never go out of one´s back gate is to limit so greatly the access to so many different kinds of emotions and FEELINGS! End of quote.

It was an incredible array of sensations FELT during this visit and I REALLY did enjoy that trip. Sadly, the afterglow faded when coming into the new year 2010 as my beloved elder sister was diagnosed with cancer. Bad scenario, I cannot say much, too difficult! She was temporarily cured.

My partner and I went off to Rome for another athletics meeting in the summer. Once again, I had never thought to go to Rome but time had seen me digging evermore and beginning to NEED answers again. Rome seemed like a place where many secrets lay! The head of the catholic church and the birth place of catholicism, lay in Rome.

I was very pleasantly surprised with Rome and it did spark off anew my desire to learn. The food is absolutely spectacular. If you do not have a pizza in Rome, I do not think you will know what a pizza is and how good they really are! I could return to Rome just to eat a pizza!

Not long after our return, my sister took a turn for the worse, I shall say, this is too much for me! Her whole body was riddled with cancerous cells, she was dying and did not have much time left. Had it not been for my mother´s voice, I do not know that I could have/would have been able to believe those words.

Puppy and I got a one way ticket and spent the last month of my beloved, elder sister´s, his beloved mother´s life caring to her every need. I write of this in my book but will not write of it here! Coming into the autumn, we said our final farewell and another era of our lives came to an end. TOO MUCH PAIN! TOO MUCH PAIN!

Maybe the most painful part of death is that YOU have to carry on living when you no longer want to. My actual today began here, on the loss of my sister. Another door definitively closed behind me. No going back.

Life does continue, living in a numbed state as I was again now, I had little enthusiasm for anything but my partner was doing some work away from home and I would go with him and stay away and explore. And so it was that having checked out the pope´s place in Rome, we found ourselves in the same place as the pope in Santiago de Compostela, Spain!

I round off this chapter which is titled OFF DOWN ANOTHER TRACK, happily having received my first COVID-19 vaccine.

Have you been to any major sporting events? How did you find the atmosphere? Did you FEEL a participant´s magic? Have you been a participant in a major sporting event? How about Berlin and Rome, anyone know those cities?

Well, I am drawing close to the end of my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN so, stay with me. Next chapter is MISPLACED FAITH!

This book is available on Amazon: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book and ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback

I forgot to say Hello to all of you wherever you are today, HELLO readers from Belgium, welcome to you. Please FEEL free to comment in the box below, I would love to hear from you all. Or send me your e-mail via my contact box (right-hand panel), there is also a follow tab for anyone who should wish to keep up to date with my thoughts! Thank you for reading today, please join me again for my next post.

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WE HAVE ALL GOT TO FACE OUR DEMONS SOMETIME!

THIS FEMALE INFJ ALSO HAD TO FACE HER DEMONS FOR HER OWN PSYCHOLOGICAL WELL-BEING AND IT WAS SO, VERY PAINFUL! Post No.48 (A 6 minute read)

It was not the first time that I had returned to my country of birth since the passing of my father. No, we had on our first visit back to Gran Bretaña, intended to go home but on arriving at our home city, fear and nausea overcame us and we continued driving until we ran out of road!

Fortunately we were headed eastwards and so, the coast was just thirty minutes from that point!! 

My sister had set up a permanent home in London and we had been and visited her there. But still we could not steel ourselves for a return to our home village. Knowing now as we did, that our family home was no longer our family home. My mother had sold it and moved on. Our home as we knew it and loved it, was GONE.

We had just our beautiful memories left with us and carrying them now together with the burden of pain and grief for the loss of our beloved father, was quite overwhelming. We could not contemplate coming close to that reality that was now ours. An era of our lives had ended and we had not wanted it to, not ever!

Good morning to you ALL around the world. G´ Day to you down under, of course you are up way before me here, where it is almost 11am right now, with a clear sunny sky but with a seasonally chilly air. Bloody cold inside though!!

For those of you who are looking my way for the first time, I should maybe tell you that you are reading a continuous thread of my trains of thought. As written down in my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN and it is that book which I am reviewing here on my blogspot.

I began in November 2022 and there is a post index on the left side of the page. The posts are all dated and numbered so that I do not get out of order here too! Not being a tidy sort myself. I go running off into the sunset and then THINK about the prep work!!!! I just INTUITIVELY follow my FEELINGS and JUDGE myself really.

Though I am longing to have some feedback! I am longing to hear from others, I really am. So, back to the book and chapter forty-six. Yes, this is a BIG book, I had a lot stored up, I did! FACING THE DEMONS is the title. I quote myself from this chapter:

We were on the train homeward bound, nostalgia trips bombarding me from every angle! I wanted to turn back! I could not get on the train, NO, I could not! If you have been reading closely you will know why this will be! The last time I had been on that train had been with my sister and Puppy almost eight years before. After my mother´s phone call to let us know that our beloved Dad was dying!

Every time I had come into the platform, he had been there waiting for me! It had been my mother waiting on that occasion. Even that was proof to me that what she said was true! "What! No Dad to meet me?" Where would we ALL have been without our wonderful Dads who were ever ready to pop out to train stations and bus stations to meet us! It was painfully symbolic!

The train moved from Suffolk countryside to Norfolk countryside and I dashed to the toilet! I was in there still when we came to a standstill in my home city. I was between diahorrea and vomiting! I kept nearly losing consciousness! "He would not be there!" I did not want to get off the train!

My mother and younger sister were coming down the platform with a trolley. I was here, I was home! I swayed and I passed out! End of quote.

THE TWO MALE LOVES OF MY LIFE, MY BELOVED LATE FATHER AND MY DARLING PUPPY! HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS AND MY INFJ HEART WILL ALWAYS BELONG THERE!

I get very choked up reading through these painful years of my life. But I still had to go to my father´s grave and begin the process of accepting the real truth. My beloved father now lay buried underground in our beautiful village cemetery, so well-known to us. Seeing is believing they say! I quote myself again:

A new relationship was taking shape between my mother and I. It is a very good one and I now realize, contrary to my previous beliefs, that she is probably one of the few people who really know me as I am! I rarely reveal much of myself to anyone now. One of our first ports of call had to be the cemetery sadly. I had not been since my father´s burial and whilst the church and its pretty cemetery had been a regular and so familiar part of my life, but it had now become a hostile place since my father was lying under the earth there!

The diahorrea and vomiting came over me instantly as my mother led us to the grave. My knees buckling, I fell in a prostrate pile on my father´s grave and felt that I would like to stay there for the rest of my life. Half supported, half carried, I was led away. I had been to my father´s grave for the first time. I had seen his name engraved on the tombstone, it was real! I was not ever going to see my Dad again! He had gone FOREVER!! End of quote.

The new owners of our former family home had so very kindly invited us to come over. I had not been able to say goodbye. Our Dachshunds had their graves in our garden; painful memories. My elder sister who as a child, was often planting seeds, had success with a holly tree, which was now rather large. I went up to my former bedroom and found my curtains still at the windows. The lilac and mauve colours which I had chosen were still the same.

It was pain, pain, pain, pain and a bit more pain. Facing the truth of this ended era of our lives and still I mourn. At the same time, my mother had met a new partner, my younger sister was living with her partner, I had now been seven years with my partner. We were all estranged from each other. Dad had been our bonding element, without him, we had all drifted apart.

This visit was the beginning of building ties once again and we met all of our extended family too. WE did not want to leave Puppy and I. But we had to! He was moving into secondary school now. It was not long before my mother moved again, this time to Spain! First to Tabernas, Almería and then to here, where I am right now, in her apartment!! Her mistake has become my saviour!

My elder sister, sick of life in London, decided to go back to studying and enrolled herself into our city university and undertook her nursing degree. WOW!!! My big sister could always make her own decisions, she was a 100% JUDGE remember. It was 2009 when she qualified and I was so proud of her, so, so proud of my beloved elder sister. 

She had moved back to our home area and was ready to begin a new era now as district nurse. WELL DONE sister, you were the best example that I could ever have had and I MISS YOU. 

The tears are now overwhelming me and so, I will round off for this post. In chapter forty-seven I am OFF DOWN ANOTHER TRACK and go do some more travelling and exploring and lose my beloved elder sister.

Have you suffered as I from changes of eras? Have you been lost since you could no longer go HOME? Have you had to face your demons and found it almost soul destroying? How have you coped with your important losses in your life?

Thank you all for reading. Please do FEEL welcome to comment and share your thoughts with me. Until then, I will head off on another track right now, one of Mark Knopfler´s I think. The tears have to be shed, they do!

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OUR PRECIOUS NEW ARRIVAL MARKS A NEW ERA OF LIFE!

THE PATTER OF TINY FEET CAN BE SO SWEET AND FOR ME, I FOUND A TRUE FRIEND! Post No.47 (A 9 minute read)

Having had the hen that laid the golden eggs become inaccessible, a new line of action was required. It is never easy to completely rethink your schemes and particularly if you had not wanted to. I had so very recently met my new born nephew, my sister-son. I could barely remember my own younger sister as a baby and this little new baby boy, well, no one in the family had expected that!

Our Dachshunds had been aware of the new member of the family some weeks prior to his presencial arrival. They would sit close to my heavily pregnant elder sister and lay their heads on her large bump! They would sniff, their ears would twitch and their tails would wave. They knew that one of our pack was about to bring us a new member.

So, when our human Puppy was born, the dogs were waiting for him as expectantly as we the humans. It was precious to see what is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. You are family, that is that! 

A TWO YEAR OLD PUPPY WITH TWO CHEEKS FULL OF GRAPES!!

Pup and big sister had gone back to Thursday Island in the Torres Straits to be precise, whence came Puppy´s father. I had gone back to Spain for a few months but was now home again somewhat subdued and with some thinking to do!

I managed to find a job in the late summer and actually had fun in that one. They were a mixed crew, they really were and we all got on surprisingly well. It was a very strange situation for me for sure. Once again, I was in my home city and working alongside my fellow countrymen and women. Whilst I had only been away full time for three and a half years, they were a hectic three and a half years.

I had done and learnt so much between leaving school in the summer of 1982 and now here again in summer 1990, I FELT like I had come full circle. What to do now? The first thing of course was money. I was living at home with my family and I think that they were all very happy to have me back. I think that I had been missing for them and I know that they had certainly been missing for me.

So, having found a job which was part-time, well, that seemed ideal to start off with! The supervisor was a modern young woman who had just set up this office and team, part of whom had worked together in a similar business (sales and marketing). So, there were a good number of working women all ten years or so older than me.

There were a good number of university students who were making some holiday money, these were a few years younger than me. Then there was a pair of guys who just like me, had not really got themselves going in their right direction as yet and so, a job is a job! I was table sharing with these two who were both a few years younger than me but yet we all had a shared sense of humour.

Humour, what a wonderful commodity is humour. How the time flies by at work when you have good humoured people around you. There was a really good, positive buzz in this office and I enjoyed my short time there! These two guys and I, continued our time sharing out of the work place and this was quite a surprise for me. But we did have some fun for sure!! (Back to old habits!!)

Travel plans well, something somewhere in me had changed. It was the loneliness I think that had got to me. I missed the FEEL of being a pack member and I had no immediate or long term plans for the first time in a decade. I found another job which paid more, I could have said that I was asked to leave my former employment!! Which I did, graciously!!!!

This was just a temporary contract but is probably one of the jobs that I most enjoyed. I was my own boss for two months. Well, no! If I had known that was how the panorama was, I probably would not even have consider putting myself up for the interview. Dive in the deep end and see what happens!!!

I was pleasantly surprised with myself and was given something of a write-up and a bonus. Keep our number and join the team next year again. No, thank you! The experience was a good one but I will not need to be repeating it, I hope!!

It was that Christmas 1990, that I received a greetings card from a former apartment sharer that I had known in Spain. She had recently changed address and had invited me to come and stay with her in Paris. We had got on so very well together and I had missed her company when she went back to her home in Paris. 

So, once I finished my contract in mid January, I packed a winter wardrobe and headed off to Paris. Well, I spent the next two and a half years living and working in Paris, visiting home with a great frequency and carrying on the young, free and single life style! But all things seem pretty good until you begin to really know them and understand them.

That is when familiarity breeds contempt. I met some fabulous people in Paris but it was impossible to FEEL anything but a complete alien in that vast city. Much that was positive and much that was negative. My elder sister and Puppy had returned from Australia and were back at the family home. They had come to stay with me in Paris, as had my mother and my younger sister.

My sister asked me to go back home and help her set up in London. It was the call home, come and be family. "You will find a job in London!" Yes, I suppose I will. How I coped with London, I do not really know. I know that I liked nothing at all about it. I did not enjoy any one moment of living in London, though I did my best by our Puppy to see that he was being protected from all of this sick city!

Our father passed away. It was a bolt out of the blue. I am not even going to begin here, trying to express the FEELINGS of this time. Life suddenly had no meaning. My elder sister FELT the same. We clung to each other in this hideous city that we were hating more each day as we knew it more. But with a child dependent on you, stability is your prime goal.

A truly miserable year went by and the only positives in my life were my sister and our Puppy. I could not cope, my sister could not cope and so, I ran away. I came back to Spain with Puppy to try and strengthen and that is where I am today.

We never went back home. The doors closed behind us or did we all close ourselves off from each other? I met my partner of today and these three spare parts became an odd-ball family! In chapter forty-five, THE PATTER OF TINY FEET, I introduce my partner and run through those first years of our new life here in Spain.

Puppy had to start school and a settled routine was now shaping up. We started camping around the region and young family, as we were, we were all getting to know each other. We came to the end of the millennia and had the euro introduced into out lives. I turned 35 years old and Puppy turned 10 years old in that year.

And my mother sold our family home and with it, marked a point of no return!! It was now seven years since my father had passed away and as yet, I still had not been able to steel up enough courage to go and face my demons. Seven years without going home, it seemed like such a terrible reality and yet here I am, at the same point again; it is now seven years since I went home and saw my mother!

It will be thirty years this year since my beloved father died and I still cannot believe that I have survived him by three decades. It will be thirteen years this year since I lost my beloved elder sister and I still cannot believe that I am eleven years older than she was when she passed away. She was fundamental in ensuring my survival.

It is how I have now survived these last thirteen years though, that has seen me lost and all at sea. Without my PROTAGONIST and my CONSUL, I have lost all belief in happiness. I do not even expect happiness any more. It is now seven years since I saw my Puppy. Rock and a hard place!! There is no room for happiness when you live there, I can assure you!

Well, in the next chapter I do face my demons and that is the title of chapter forty six, FACING THE DEMONS. Join me again for that and see how I turn a corner that I never wanted to turn and as such, have been headed down the wrong path ever since, even though I have only recently woken up to that fact!

Have you been isolated from your family for long periods of time? Have you cut off from your family before? Has your family cut you off before? Do you know how it is to become estranged from your family?

Thank you ALL for reading. I would love to hear your thoughts so, please FEEL welcome to comment in the space below or get in touch by e-mail, I have a contact box in the right-hand panel and a follow tab if you would like to keep up to date.

Until next time, happy learning! Here are the Amazon links to my book: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback and ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book

For more INFJ blogs check this listing: https://lifestyle.feedspot.com/infj_blogs