A NARCISSIST HOOVERS WHEN VULNERABLE!

WHEN YOU THOUGHT THAT THINGS COULD ONLY GET BETTER; YOU COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG! AFTER ALL, YOU ARE LIVING WITH A MALE NARCISSIST!!!! POST NO.30/N (A 12 minute read)

My goodness, where has my will gone? How hard it is to heal from NARCISSISTIC ABUSE whilst still living with your abuser. I have been pulling back from the NARCISSIST and saying "NO" with great frequency too. He is on the back foot and as a consequence, he has turned to his HOOVERING tactics once more.

But this is exceptionally exhausting too. He is clingy, like we are best friends! It is sick, it really is. I have told him repeatedly that I want him out of my life, so he knows that I know what he is. Is he likely to go willingly, peacefully? NO, is the answer to that. NO, he will have to be pushed out I believe.

He is living rent free and that as a retired person with a low pension, is a great gift. No, he won´t be moving on until he finds another suitable SUPPLY. I prefer his silence as I do not have to reply or respond to him in any way. 

I would happily not talk to him at all, that said, within what is a toxic relationship, the HOOVERING NARCISSIST is the person who is FEELING VULNERABLE. I am standing my ground with him and I am no longer taking any venom on board. He can no longer hurt me emotionally as I have cut him out of my heart and soul definitively now.

There is no going back emotionally for me but until I can find my way to heal and strengthen, keeping the NARCISSIST in HOOVERING mode is about the best I can hope for. He going through the motions of being really nice to me and me accepting his gestures with total indifference. They don´t sway my heart any more but it is nice to have some respite from the tensions.

I actually FEEL that I have reached the deepest point of pain, shock, horror and grief at the realization of my own reality and from here on, there will be superficial discomfiture only. The wounds are healing and will become scars soon enough. My skin is thickening again. If only my will power would too!

THE SECOND SERIES KICKS OFF!

I am going to go through this particular period of twelve months very quickly as I know that I need to bring nothing of the NARCISSIST of that time into today. So, we had settled into his studio and all seemed well. I was breathing easier now that I did not have to see the same faces every day and carry on skulking (although that was only temporary)!

What a change of routine though and my nephew and I had to be out of the door much earlier than we had been to date. Then there was a trek on the metro across Barcelona city in the early morning rush to get to the school bus pick-up point! My nephew would go happily off to school and I would make my way back to base to do whatever needed doing!

We had no windows in this studio except one small window that gave onto an interior patio but as we were on the ground floor, there was little light that came in. The days dragged by and I would leave much sooner than I needed to as I was longing to see the sky and FEEL the air and would enjoy sitting on a bench in the street whilst waiting for the school bus to arrive.

Back on the metro and then via a park before going home. My nephew needed some activity out of school and the local park was the only space that did not have buildings! NO! I have never been a city lover and will never be! There is not enough natural space for my needs. Too many people in too little space, as I see it!

We spent a Christmas there and my sister came for that. She slept on the single camping mattress in the small bedroom with my nephew and me and the NARCISSIST would get the double camping mattress out later and put it on the floor in the lounge space. We did not even have a bed!! "I´ve got you Babe!"

This year passed quite quickly inspite of having very little but every month, the school was getting paid later. I knew that there would have to come a day when I would have to accept that between my sister and the NARCISSIST, I would have to be ever covering up their deficiencies, aside from the fact that the headmistress was already insinuating that maybe we should make changes!

My mother came to visit as well with my sister in the spring, though they stayed in a hotel this time. It FELT uncomfortable to me to not be able to offer my own mother a bed to sleep in for a few nights! The NARCISSIST behaved so well towards me and my nephew during that year but he was HOOVERING big time.

He knew that he was running from his responsibilities as a father and married man. He knew that one day soon he would be held accountable for his ACTIONS or lack of ACTIONS. It was just a matter of time but I still did not know this of course.

NO! It was one afternoon when I came back with my nephew that I found a printed sheet of paper stuck on the front door. My Spanish was still poor, none the less this paper looked very ominous indeed but when I gave it to the NARCISSIST later he just tore it up and said that it was nothing to do with him.

There again you see the refusal to be held accountable or responsible for his actual situation. It wasn´t many days later that a letter arrived for him. I had been told that under no circumstances was I to open the door to anyone who knocked. Now I was being told to not accept any post that may come for him.

The cloak and dagger existence seemed to be catching up again and pretty soon the knocks on the door started. On two occasions I sat by myself, silently listening to the voices beyond the door. I was fearing that whoever might be waiting and watching for me to come in and out. And yes! Another notice was stuck on the door!

I told the NARCISSIST that there had been another visit from someone looking for him. These were the BAILIFFS, the debt collectors, come to start the legal chasing up of monies outstanding. I knew who these two men were as they did hang around and they did see my coming and going. They knew that someone was living in that studio.

As the NARCISSIST had his name on the deeds, it was one place to look for him. They caught me in the foyer and asked for him by name. "I don´t know that name!" I replied. "I am renting from an agency!" I went on to lie. This is what I mean about becoming NARCISSIST yourself without meaning or wanting to.

You are coerced into lying to cover up for them which is why they are ultimately, COVERT NARCISSISTS. We are all covering up for their wrong doings and not holding them either responsible for their actions or accountable for their behaviour. But I was not an expert liar then and I FELT that they could see the situation.

So it was that they came back later and found the NARCISSIST in, who was obliged to open the door as they came accompanied by the police this time! The studio was being reclaimed by the bank in lieu of outstanding monies, that was the bottom line. I was stunned and surprised that he was taking this as calmly as he was.

Of course, this was all his wife´s doing. She had it in for him and wanted to cause him as much pain and suffering as she could. That was according to him, those were his words not mine. But you can see that in fact it was the other way around. She was telling her truth and trying to hold him both responsible for his two children and the home that they all lived in.

As well as accountable for all the debts accrued too, that because she was married to him, the threatening letters and demands would arrive at her door. She wanted a divorce so that she could cut all ties with him minus his contribution to his children.

Living as cheaply as we were, coupled with the NARCISSIST now having found a more stable job, the finances were seeming better. That is complete bollocks of course because it is meaningless to have a wad of cash in your pocket when you have numerous outstanding debts, don´t you think?

My nephew was moving towards the end of term and I was behind with the payments. It was time to move again and it was decided to move back to the town that we had started off in. But it now seemed essential to put all things in my name!! Something that all NARCISSISTS try to do very quickly. WHY?

So that they do not have to be held accountable for their ACTIONS or lack of ACTIONS. It is not in my name!!!! But of course, what he did not want was to be traceable at all. His bank account was blocked and from there on it was a bank account in my name that was used. 

GLORIOUS SUNSET OUT OF MY BACK WINDOW!

THE NARCISSIST TRAPS YOU IN MANY WAYS!

To think that your supposed sentimental partner is always trying to see how best he can use you for his benefit, is soul-shattering indeed! But we must work with the TRUTH, we cannot live in fairytale land where males are Prince Charmings per say! They are not and have never been!

I have said many times already that the NARCISSIST always seems to be moving at speed with your relationship. Always pushing things FORWARD as you are led to believe and well, you are not altogether wrong in that belief. Yes, he is pushing FORWARD but always for his GREATER GOOD not yours, you are INSIGNIFICANT to him.

Getting married very quickly for example. Straight away your name is tied to his. You are responsible for all of his demeanours from that day onwards. I knew that I did not want to even consider marrying this male NARCISSIST. He was married in law and as such, was not available to marry and maybe that saved me from much pressuring.

On completing finally his divorce, twelve years after his separation, he suggested us marrying and I said clearly that I did not see the point. No, I FELT like I needed to keep as free as I could from trapping bonds. Marriage is such a visible form of trapping that it can be easily avoided but maybe marriage does provide you with a safety net of sorts.

That is of course what I do not have. And that is what he holds over me. I think this is why I can never allow myself to FEEL any positive emotion towards him ever again. Thirty years spent together, he is HOOVERING right now today but can ignore the fact that I have nothing to show for it. I have no pension to come.

WE have been looking out for his future always. A truly one-sided relationship which was always his plan and I can see it so clearly now. But I was trying to build a stable home life with him and my nephew. Although I can now see why I always FELT like I was getting nowhere fast! I can now see so clearly why I have FELT always as though I was going round in circles! 

I haven´t been getting anywhere fast! Even my descent into a deep, dark hole has been slow and unapparent. And YES! I have been going round and round in circles. That circular cycle of the male NARCISSIST which is the only way that they know how to live.

LOVE BOMBING/HOOVERING - DEVALUATION - DISCARD - SILENCE. Then back to the beginning again. Round and round you go, digging yourself down deeper with each cycle completed. You are being twisted against your own grain and every step of the way hurts, as you would never have chosen to take those steps yourself.

It was imperative therefore, that my name went down on the next rental contract and with a little bit of help from my elder sister, who faxed some of her wage slips to the estate agency, which were supposedly mine, another rent contract was drawn up and we jumped out of another sinking ship just before it crashed on the rocks.

That as you will see is the rule of thumb for the NARCISSIST. Always running away from their responsibilities, never wanting to be held accountable for their actions or negligence. In the space of three and a half years, we had still to find that stability that I was so yearning for and whilst my nephew was able to finish that school year, there were changes ahead for him too.

Thank you for reading me today. I am so happy to have some folks looking my way. In the next post I will move on with the third series off this ill-fated relationship, which thus far, has been the longest series of all. Have yourselves a great evening.