OUT NUMBERED BY THE NARCISSISTS!

THE BATTLE HAD ALWAYS EXISTED WITHIN THOSE CLOSE TO ME, NOW WITH THE EXTERNAL NARCISSISTIC FORCES AS WELL; MAYBE I WAS DOOMED TO LOSE! POST NO.34/N  (A 12 minute read)

You know folks, I don´t even want to go back and remember these particular years. By the time my nephew reached his third year at secondary school, we had been officially living together for ten years. I really could not imagine my life without him in it. Indeed I was living my life around him and his needs.

He and my NARCISSIST partner as well. Did I have any life of my own? No, I didn´t but neither did I FEEL the need to associate with anyone in the neighbourhood. These were not my type of folk, not at all. No, I was ever out of place, ever the odd one out. That has continued to be the way always because I know that for my part, I have never been able to choose who I can or cannot, communicate with!

My communications were all related to my nephew or partner and their lives. The only regular communications that I had were with my two sisters. The communications with my mother were little more than Christmas, birthday and Mother´s Day. I lived completely apart from the rest of society but did that bother me?

No. it did not. I had my boy and our life wasn´t bad at all. The big issues though were there, they had always been there, they were not going away, oh, no! They were just running deeper and deeper, as all psychological traumas do when left unaddressed. I was putting on a facade for the public and going through the motions of being a mother and wife!

Having met my younger sister´s new partner as well as my mother´s new partner (another malignant NARCISSIST), a new form of "happy families" began for us all. My younger sister and partner also became regular summer visitors to our home and of course, my elder sister continued with her frequent visits too.

I was actually seeing my family much more regularly during this period and by and large, the NARCISSIST behaved pretty well with them all except my elder sister and as I said before, there was never a visit of her´s that didn´t come with some NARCISSISTIC rages. That was the price I had to pay as I saw it!

So too had we become very familiar with the NARCISSIST´S family and there were regular visits from his brother´s (all three of them), as well as his mother and father. All in all, we seemed to be living a pretty standard life-style, the sort of life-style that most standard people are living. I know that that is exactly what I was trying to provide for my nephew.

My level of fitness was at an all time high and I was working out for four hours a day. I actually took a course to become a fitness monitor with the idea that as I was spending so much time working out, wouldn´t it be a sensible idea to get paid for doing so? But of course, I had then, just as I do now, an obstacle to my growth and progress!

Yes! The NARCISSIST! He allowed me to get ideas into my head! He allowed me to get going on my ideas! He would be apparently supportive of my ideas for a time! Then he would sense the seriousness of my intentions, he would see how good I was becoming, how enthusiastic I was, how hopeful I was!

That would signal the moment for him to pull the rug from under my feet and completely block my path from thereon! I was soul destroyed then at that moment just as I have been many more times since. I am referring to twenty years ago but hey! Guess what? I am still trying to learn new things and I still have not lost all hope that I will be able to make a better life for myself without him!

At the moment he is being apparently supportive of me attending this course. Initially it was one two week course but I have enlisted myself for more courses and am now on my third one, with a fourth one still to come. He is taking me to the centre in town where the classes are held and I phone him on finishing and he comes to pick me up!

He even makes me a sandwich for my breaktime and fills me a bottle of cold water!!!! It is like a theatre production, it is? How our respective roles keep shifting is what is so interesting me but of course, what we never are, is two people who are sharing what is going on in their heart´s and mind´s! 

He is playing mother with the sandwich and water. Because as I am going to "SCHOOL" (as he says), that makes me a child!! Because I am a child, I can´t go to "SCHOOL" by myself, now can I? Oh, NO! My father has to take me and pick me up, doesn´t he? He the senior, either mother or father and I am the child!

That vertical relationship structure again!!! How do I view things right now? Well, I am FEELING very much like an adult at the moment and it is being in a group with other adult human beings every afternoon which is making it possible for me to FEEL like an adult. I am an adult! I am an adult who has been caught in time and paused in suspension.

All I am waiting for now, is for the clock to start ticking again! But I am not expecting these courses to lead me anywhere in particular right now. What is being taught though, will be invalueable to me later on, I FEEL sure. So, for me it is a step in the right direction. I am seeking to self-improve, rebuild my confidence, increase my skills and expand my knowledge banks!

MY MOTHER MOVES TO SPAIN TOO!

Having picked up with a malignant male NARCISSIST herself, my mother´s life had changed beyond all recognition, even as my own had done and as a result of my mother´s decisions, so too had my younger sister´s life suddenly changed dramatically.

The only person who seemed to be able to make FREE decisions for themself was my elder sister, who was now living as a single woman, with a guy in tow. Not a NARCISSIST himself, he was making the most out of a good deal while it lasted! My sister wasn´t fool enough to think otherwise but then again, he suited her purposes!

I had known him for some years when living in London, in fact he had been a full member of the household. Being ten years younger than my sister, maybe it could never have been more than a relationship built around mutual convenience. Though when she found out that he was having other relationships, he was shown the door!

After all, he had been taken on before I came back. He had taken care of my nephew until I came back. He was playing mother and she was playing her false-self at work and at home with him. But he was a peaceable type of guy and he certainly was never aggressive or violent with any of us!

Somehow though, he was back on the scene and now living with her in her new flat in London! She, just like my mother, simply could not exist without a male to play up to. She knew where she was with this one and at least he wasn´t violent.

My mother on the other hand, had moved from our family home to a smaller bungalow in the neighbouring town. Running away from her false-self (a grieving widow) and the neighbourhood that she had lived in, yet never really participated in, for twenty-nine years! 

Even as I wrote that last paragraph I could see my own self, running away from one place after another, hoping to make a fresh start. It would become exactly the same for my mother from that day on. Her male NARCISSIST quickly moved into her new bungalow and my younger sister equally quickly, was told to be moving on!

She had met a guy who was looking to move and so it was that they moved in together. Another TRAUMA BONDED relationship, sad to say! He is a good man, non-NARCISSIST, but with fourteen years age gap between them, there is no compatibility at all. The vertical relationship whereby he plays father and she the child, or she plays the mother and he, the child.

What neither of them are ever, is equal adults in a sentimental relationship. Exactly the same as my mother. She was duped by the same method as I was. She was free from her marriage and she wanted to make up for lost time. Within six months of living with this malignant male NARCISSIST, she had suffered a major heart attack!!!!

She had now driven me and both my sister´s away. Her own family really did not like her NARCISSIST at all (what a surprise)!!!! So, they were keeping their distance. He had succeeded in isolating her from all her family so quickly and now she was completely DEPENDENT on him!

He caused so much S**T at the first home that my mother (who initially had been very happy with her move), had lived at, that she FELT obliged to take him out of that neighbourhood for the greater good of ALL. She chose an isolated cottage in the countryside! Surely he couldn´t upset anyone out there? They were surrounded by fields.

Sadly, as I saw on my first meeting with him in 2001, oh, yes! He could have a go at the local farmers and their timetable! He was hideous. The father of the NARCISSIST that I live with and this malignant NARCISSIST partner of my mother´s, are the two most hideous people that I have ever had the misfortune to know.

My mother´s partner was violent, he was a malignant NARCISSIST and would cause trouble wherever he went. Life had become once again, intolerable in the country cottage and so it was that she sold up and bought a property in southern Spain. Now as someone who does not enjoy the heat at all, my mother bought a house in Tabernas.

THE TABERNAS DESERT, ALMERÍA, SPAIN! HARDLY HOBBITON! Photo by Jannis Brandt on Unsplash.

There is just the one desert in Europe, that of Tabernas, Almería, Spain, not too far from where I am. It was in this area that Clint Eastwood and company filmed much of the Dollars trilogy of films. One of the hottest parts of the country therefore and desertified. Coming from "Hobbiton" well, a more dramatic change you could not make!!!

There was a lot going on in everyone´s lives and yet not one of us was happy in truth, were we? Four different households and NARCISSISM prevalent in all of them. My mother had run away again and was hating her new false-life, this was not what she wanted really. What ever possessed her to come to Spain other than the need to run away from all her false connections woven by her NARCISSIST!

Well, they came to stay with us. It was my fortieth birthday that year and so they came after Christmas and stayed for the New Year. My mother´s NARCISSIST played up almost all of the time with me and my nephew, yet he was all smiles and laughs with the inhouse NARCISSIST. I think they recognized each other as one and the same.

The morning after a late night alcohol binging session in the local bar with the local NARCISSISTS, saw my mother´s NARCISSIST partner somewhat the worse for wear. "It was nothing to do with the alcohol!" he said. "It was her mad daughter who was trying to poison him!" Can you believe it? It was so absurd as to be laughable.

But he could not tolerate having to try and be pleasant to so many people all day and all evening! That was the bottom line of it and of course, my mother was made (by us), the centre of attention. Oh, how he loathed that and was continually trying to divert the conversation onto himself. I really don´t know how we were able to tolerate him at all.

He had made up his mind though and he was trying to find a reason for leaving ahead of time. He told my mother to get packed as "We are going home! NOW!" My mother tried to reason with him but to no avail of course! But she stood her ground and said "NO! I have come to stay ten days with my family and that is just what I intend to do!"

"If you can´t behave yourself like a human being, then P**S off back home!" She said. He really hadn´t expected that and he set to on me. I was poisoning my mother´s mind against him, he said. Like it was not already poisoned BY him!! And so it was that he stormed off with a nine hour drive ahead by himself.

Briefly my mother was lucid and recognized that he was an awful man, that he was making her life so very unhappy and even began to talk about ending the whole miserable situation. He had threatened to not be there when she got back but he had nowhere else to go in truth.

My mother took a flight back to Almería and he picked her up at the airport but the bastard that he was/is, dropped her off at the house and then drove off with her car, telling her that he was leaving. Well, she didn´t believe him of course. How many times had she (and me), heard that threat and seen nothing happen?

He didn´t return that night! But just guess where he did spend that night? At my younger sister´s house!!! She was horrified when he turned up at past midnight, banging at the door. Giving her the sob story that he had come to visit family but they were away from home. Like you don´t normally check with your family before you make your plans.

I will never know if he really did have the intention of leaving permanently or not. What I do know is that not one doorway opened to him other than my sister´s! He was totally DEPENDENT on my mother; he had no choice but to go back.

Meantime, my mother found herself living alone for the first time in her life, in a villa set in the Tabernas Desert of Spain. Whatever must have been going through her mind right then, I ask? But I think I am close to understanding what FEELINGS she may have been having right then. I think one day (sooner or later), I am going to be able to really know because already I am starting to know.

Thank you all for reading me today and I shall continue on with the next few turbulent years in the next post. I still haven´t lost hope that maybe someone might like to make a comment. There is a comment box under each post and I would love to hear from you ALL. Wishing you all a happy evening, come back again soon!