THE GILL-MET ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN BLOG

A FEMALE INFJs FIRST BOOK `ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN´, REVIEWED BY ME THE AUTHOR, IN MY OWN WORDS! Post No.1 (A 7 minute read) 

Hello and welcome to my blog site. My name is Gillian Metcalfe and I am going to step fully into the truth of myself with no taboos, a female INFJ-A by birth who owing to circumstances, has now crossed into INFJ-T territory. I have written two books with a remote hope that somewhere out there in the world there may be another person like me who longs for quality conversation and communication.

 MY VERY FIRST BOOK! ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN!

           

I did not actually know that my own personality type had a classification of its own until this week. This discovery has set my mind reeling. Is this my break through pass key? Have I at last stumbled across the truth of my own belief, that others like me are in an extreme minority in the westernized world, at least where I live in Europe they are!

I left my home country of England as a very disgruntled and deceived teenager. I was outgrowing everyone I knew always. Not in academic achievements, no, I do not mean that way. I mean in curiosity levels, I always needed to know more, I always needed to follow up on things and see where they rooted from. I had been just the same as an infant, driving my teachers and parents crackers with my continual questioning. 

"If you do not ask, how will you find out?" That was how I thought as an infant, "If YOU do not tell me, then WHO will and I will go and ask THEM?" My mother would warn people to not start me up, "She has her own auto-wind," she would say, "And she takes a very long time to wind down, believe you me!"

Well, of course, minds like mine will not sleep well at night. No, not with all those questions still unanswered and pieces out of place. I had a kaleidoscope! My favourite toy! I would be under the bed covers, shaking my kaleidoscope over and over again until eventually falling asleep. The corridors of my brain are as labyrinths, with shelves lining the walls everywhere you walk. Some walls have cupboards with doors and some walls also have doors, behind which lay steps, that lead down to the vaults of all that one does not want to remember.

By writing my way through my life as a book, I have found myself again. Yes, I had lost myself! The shadows of pain, sorrow, unhappiness, impotence and all things negative had shrouded my beautiful labyrinthal brain. WHO or WHAT HAD GOT IN HERE and turned it all upside down and shut out the light? Whence came the taboos? I found the strength to visit all of my life and pick up all my myriad of pieces and get them all dusted down, polished up and all chronologically ordered on their correct shelves in time.

Even as I had decided to get started on this mission, COVID-19 reared its ugly head and all changed. But it was the impotency, the anger, the frustration, all of those negative sensations provoked by our three month period of lockdown that became my catalyst. I felt initially as if I was injuring the paper that I was writing on. My words were coming so fast and furiously. I felt as though I was syphoning off my pent-up emotions and pouring them into the paper. 

The paper was soaking them up and yet the flow did not abate but the paper just kept slurping away. Paper has become my best friend, maybe the one that I thought I had always been looking for. The one that does not keep answering back with foolish quips and one-liners! The one that is gleefully drinking up all my word flows. I can now see that what I needed to see was a reflection of the truth, my truth, painful as I knew it would be to me. 

And that is what I have found, ME! The lights accompany me now as I wander at will through my labyrinthal brain and now that I have got it organized for the most part, I can go to any shelf at any time! I have revisited ME and found much to like about me, in fact I found much to love about me. Yet, I could never understand why I was so popular but never really had a good friend, one that I could confide in. 

Even as I travelled more, each return home found me further distanced from my own people and friends. My family were my only stabilizing force. No life lasts forever and the loss of two of my family have determined my today. Though I hasten to add that I could not hold either of them to blame. They both allowed me always to make my own decisions and thereby, make my own mistakes but they would not then be judgemental. 

They would comfort me and talk me through my mistakes and guide me back to an even keel. Having of course, nearly lost all faith in myself after the recent mistake!!! I miss them today just as I ever have. I have never found any relationship with either male or female that have come close to these two in quality. 

I speak of my beloved late father and my beloved late elder sister. I can see that my most important decisions have been made at times of great emotional vulnerability and so, have not been the wisest for my own psychological well-being in the long term. 

I need emotional support in a big way, that is what I do not have from my close circles. Worse than that, they bring me down, they try to keep me on their level so that I can serve their purposes. I need to be considered too and I am tired of talking and listening to myself. I so love to share and listen but to someone who has got the thought processing part of their brain working. 

I need people who can build, extend, expand, not stay stagnating in round and round, circular, repetitive monologue and be happy with that. That is not communication to me, that is going through the motions. I do not want to go through the motions of anything, I want to FEEL everything I do and hopefully FEEL positive sensations through all of what I do. I want to learn through everything that I do and everyone I ever speak with. I am looking for QUALITY and DEPTH everywhere and in everyone. 

I need to FEEL that I am not invisible, which is what I do FEEL. Although I do not altogether regret that, no, I do not FEEL that I need to be visible to all. I always believe that a kindred spirit (one who wishes to live without taboos), will recognize me through my words and gestures. By looking in my eyes they will read my sincerity, by hearing my voice they will know of my warmth and passion for all that are righteous and worthy of life.

I really want to find other people who truly care about this planet earth; OUR home as human beings. How human are we all though? I know that I am so, so, very human and care so, so, much about REAL human beings. I just want to be in the company of others who can feel as passionately as I do. 

So, I have taken the plunge and am now reaching out into unknown territories with my blog but I have high hopes for myself. Just as well, no one else does right now! Because I have now written two extremely interesting pieces of work, I am going to talk of these pieces of writing but most importantly, I wish to discuss the content of my two books.

I could choose two categories to describe my first book  ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN on Amazon. Not enough scope there I am afraid! Human psychology, human sexology, human philosophy, theory, faiths, beliefs and hopes, his-story, culture and travel, ecology, leadership and politics. As if that was not enough, a trip through my memoires of my, at the time fifty-five years lived, along with COVID-19 providing a totally unexpected back drop to my narration. Inspired stuff, printed up at 805 pages and I had to stop myself hence a second book, I had not run dry, oh, no!  

ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN, THE BACK COVER BLURB!

Who may be the first person to read my books? That is still to be answered. Who may be the first person to check out my blog? Are there any others who want to breakdown the man-made taboos? That is still to be answered as well and I will not give up hope of either. But maybe I am getting ahead of myself and time is what it is. 

The paperback version can be found easily with this link: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback

My book is also available in the e-book version, find it with this link: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book

So, if you have read this far, thank you so much and welcome to the Gillian Metcalfe ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN blog site. Please FEEL welcome to make contact or comment on the post. There is a comment box below and at the top right there is a contact box if you wish to communicate by e-mail and directly below the contact box, is a follow tab, should you wish to become a regular follower of my Trains of Thought. I shall look forward to your comments and communications!!!

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