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"TO KNOW THE TRUTH, YOU HAVE TO FIND THE TRUTH, ONLY THERE DOES THE TRUTH LIE."

Friday 18 November 2022

A DEEP AND MEANINGFUL TUAREG PROLOGUE

THE WORDS OF A WISE ALGERIAN TUAREG ELDER, ALL THE WAY FROM THE SAHARA DESERT! Post No.6 (A 15 minute read) 

Good afternoon to ALL. Another rainy morning has changed my plans to take a trip to the local Friday market and so, after having spent a couple of hours tidying up my second book, I now put that labour aside and go back on myself in time, in the hopes that I can help encourage others to come along with my Trains of Thought series of books. But I am getting way ahead of myself also! In truth, I can remember so well all that I talked of in my first book but as yet, have not gone back and read it through myself.

The sheer number of run throughs during the typing up process, the mistake checking, over and over again, one actually gets rather fatigued with running over the same `OLD´ ground. If you could find a willing collaborator to type up your manuscript for you, I can assure you that the whole process of book preparation would be so much more enjoyable. Where your words seemed so fresh and first time at the moment of writing, having read back through them over and over again, remember that there are 266,000 plus words in this book, well, the need to move on just gets greater by the minute!

Like I have already said, I felt as though I had syphoned off a great load of stored up thoughts and ideas, along with many pent up feelings and emotions. I felt so much lighter headed and lighter hearted. This book was all my life up to that moment and so, all that was new to me was in fact COVID-19 and the trigger that was set off as a consequence of it. 

My confinement would have been no trouble at all if I had not had to contend with all of my near neighbour´s noises as well! The loss of my tranquil environment was what I really had to deal with rather than the loss of my fundamental freedoms as a Spanish resident to go out and about, as and how I choose to do.

The other great stress load was that brought from man-kind and his failure to make the right decisions on behalf of all of those that they supposedly represent! I truly did feel a real possibility of psychological damage being caused by this stress. I was not going to let man-kind destroy my own brain. I would continue as always, to make my own decisions based on what is righteous and worthy of consideration at the hour of my decision making.

As such, I still have not contracted COVID-19 and I shall continue to prevent myself from doing so! The fittest of the fit shall survive always but it will be because of the decisions that they make for themselves. One of the first fundamental steps to survival surely, is to try and eliminate all of the `risk factors´, as I see things. Do not deliberately put yourself in the line of fire, for example? 

Man-kind is a PUBLIC HEALTH and WELL BEING RISK! HE creates all the risk factors in this life! Do we have to follow his instructions though? No, not for the most part, no! That does mean though, that you have to think for yourself!

It seems to me, that is the point where far too many come unstuck! Think for myself? I do not do that! I follow their instructions! And so they do! No problem in essence but hey, let us have a look at those instructions first before we follow them blindly. The blind leading the blind and why? 

Why, when the blind are surrounded by those who dedicate their lives to penetrating the dark shadows of man-kind´s ignorant domination and shed light, into and onto, knowledge and understanding. Knowledge added to understanding, equals wisdom. That wisdom may be negative or it may be positive, that is what a wise person will be able to judge!

The wise filter the wisdom accrued by searching minds and decide with which wisdom they will work. If positive wisdom is applied by wise people, then surely we would all be living in a positive way. But of course, that is the ideal scenario not our real scenario! Yes, we do have our wise people and yes, we do have our searching minds, in fact we have evermore wise people and evermore searching minds, so why are we not evolving as human beings?

One reason only! These people are never in leadership, that is why!

Today though I am going to take you somewhere much nicer than man-kind and HIS ugly world of HIS making! The prologue in my book is so short and yet so sweet.

"TO KNOW THE TRUTH, YOU HAVE TO FIND THE TRUTH, ONLY THERE DOES THE TRUTH LIE."    The wise words of a Tuareg elder. 

Deep and meaningful words indeed. I have already said a number of times in these, my introductory blogs, that I did not know myself by a lettered personality type until very recently. I did though, know always that my thought patterns were extremely different to those around me. It was ever the focal points I think that were so different. As a group of young children together, all hearing or seeing the same, I could never understand why no one could see as I could.

Well, of course, this is part of what I am trying so hard to comprehend but I can see why now, it is simply down to personality types and those particular characteristics that define us all as individuals. Our parents, our teachers and our societies, all as one, try to mould each of us into becoming a certain type of individual. We are taught what is considered an acceptable comportment but we are also taught how to think. Sadly though, we are then taught what to think.

Herein the first major difference between the INFJ either A or T types, in childhood to the other types. It is the follow my leader game or NOT! Now, I would follow my elder sister´s lead without question, I did not even hesitate or maybe I should say, that I did not even think to ask WHY we might be going wherever or doing whatever. I just ASSUMED that my sister´s leadership was good and as it always was good, I continued to BLINDLY follow her lead.

Wiseing up as we do when we age, I refer to toddler to infant in this instance, I reasoned now and with my power of reasoning at that time, reasoned that, as we always had a good time and had a lot of fun and laughs, then why should I NOT continue to follow her lead? Still someway to go in wiseing up, as you can see! If her lead was at all times a positive and productive lead, then absolutely nothing to worry about. My sister came in at 100% judging and she was like that always.

As this infant moved into a junior, then my ideas started being put on the table for consideration too and well, blow me down, my sister could always see a flaw in my ideas! She could always see where we would trip ourselves up and so talk me out of the idea and suggest something along those lines, which was sufficiently stimulating to keep my enthusiasm up but did eliminate risk factors. Me with my wild ideas and she with the cool thinking head!

If ever I could give a piece of advice to a parent with an INFJ child like myself, it would be, NEVER SAY NO! Never say no, there are so many ways of saying NO without using the word, NO. NO has a very definite trigger effect. Both my father and elder sister never said "NO" to me and yet neither of them ever gave way to me fully. They both learnt to `handle me´ in a way that very few adults were able to do and all because of that word, NO!

"I WILL DECIDE WHEN AND WHAT I LEARN! DO NOT TELL ME TO SHUT UP SHOP! I DO NOT RUN AT YOUR COMMAND! I HAVE MY OWN DRIVER!" I would say when told, "NO!"

My father was Intuitive and my sister Observant, between the two of them they got absolutely the best out of me. My loss of them both is so ABSOLUTE! My first experience of travel abroad had come to me as a 10 year old, then as a 17 year old, my sister and I went off travelling together for the first time unaccompanied by adults. That was a decisive moment. We went to Morocco and from there, both of us went exploring on separate paths.

Our tastes were so very different and our personal interests were also very different. That is not to say that I did not find my sister´s tastes and interests uninteresting myself, no, not at all! It was wonderful to be able to share in all of her experiences even as I was having my own and sharing them with her. She though on the other hand, did not share many of my tastes and interests, hence we travelled separately as of our late teens.

Saharan sand dunes photo zack woolwine on unsplash
BEAUTIFUL SAHARA - Photo by Zack Woolwine on Unsplash.

1988 saw me at last turn dreams into realities lived. I had ever wanted to ride camels in the Sahara Desert with nomadic Bedouin peoples. To boat up the River Niger to Tombouctou. To meet those beautiful Wodaabe ladies who I had seen in documentaries. I needed to FEEL them not just watch them on television. This is the difference between the Intuitive and the Observant and that is the need to FEEL something. Nothing means anything to me if I cannot or do not, FEEL it.

Here I was, travelling in an old lorry with two Algerian men who were transporting goods from Algeria down into Niger. Long stories of long beautiful hours spent with the most wonderful peoples that I had as yet, ever met. Such long stories and adventures that in earlier years, friends of mine had said, "You will have to write your memoires!" Well, at that time folks, I was just 19 years old! Even at the time I thought well, as you do not even want to hear about my travels now, I really cannot see you sat reading a book about them all!

That thought came back to me as I was writing my book because no, I really had not started writing knowing that I was going to write my memoires as well, I did not! It was the meeting with an African gentleman here in Spain that triggered my return (mentally at least), to my African roots. I found my African heart was still that driving force in my chest. It was not beating as hard and fast as it had in my youth but now it was given a kick-start!

That woeful phoenix remembered her real reason for living and for wanting to carry on living. AFRICA ever AFRICA! The real human beings, they were still there and in bigger trouble than me here. I still had every reason to live, yes, I did! But if I was going to be able to do anything to help at all, I would need money and a lot of it. Now seeing clearly my purpose, I launched into my writing with an altered approach, I needed to earn a living!

Working illegally for the benefit of others always, there is no pension to come for me and so, RETIREMENT, is what others do. I have to earn a living but how? There in the great question but I will keep trying to find an adequate answer.

Back to the Sahara and well, at that time the asphalted road surface ran out some thirty or so kilometres out of Tamanrasset, in southern Algeria. The Trans Saharan Highway as it is called, has now been completed and runs right down to Kano in Nigeria. For us though, it was piste all the way from there until hitting road again around Arlit, northern Niger. Slow going of course, around 20 to 30 km per hour speed. Frequently getting sand bound and the consequent effort required to dig the lorry free again. 

All part of the fun! Every territory in the world has its laws and the Sahara is no exception. Never can you pass by a human being without stopping to see if they are ok. What actually suprises you most is that you are actually crossing paths with other travellers who are on foot! ON FOOT if you please in the Sahara Desert! But of course, the Sahara Desert is home to many and has always been!

So it was, that the occupants of this lorry, spotted a lone figure with a camel and five goats in the distance. We stopped where we were and some 10 minutes later, the robed, veiled figure draws close. "Hello, well met my friends!" I love that, I do, "WELL MET MY FRIENDS!" In those 10 minutes, a small fire had been started, the teapot had gone on and some food items were being routed out to accompany the tea, mint of course!

The gentleman in this instance was a Tuareg elder. The Blue Men of the desert as they are sometimes referred to in english. The indigo blue dye which they use to dye their cloths, actually stains the skin with the sweat and rubbing. Here was a real life Touareg herding his goats and now coming to sit for a while with us and find out who we were and what we were up to and also to tell us of his news. Blissful reciprocal communication!

In Europe we cannot even communicate with those that we know let alone complete strangers! Not so in Africa folks, it is overflowing (quite literally), with righteous and worthy human beings who all want to share. This was not my first experience of Targui, the Tuaregs name for themselves but to meet one like so, by chance, by the way, was spectacular to say the least. My two Algerian companions, the lorry driver and his mechanic, who were giving me a free lift, were FEELING their way too and I learnt from them. They were my guides and their lead was good.

Daylight is the essence in the Sahara and as such, we could not tarry indefinitely. We had shared many thoughts with this Targui elder. I had asked him much about nomadic life and why he chose to continue with that life? I told him of my quest to find the truth of the world, of the human being and on parting he had said this to me; "To know the truth, you have to find the truth, only there does the truth lie!"

Even as I had met these two Algerian men, I had found some truth. This man was more truth. I had known only truth since I had taken off from Spain. I realized what he meant or I thought I did. Something along the lines of, if you do not see it with your own eyes, you cannot know for certain the truth of its existence. You have got to go and find those truths. But then you need to understand those truths and see which are good truths and worthy of cherishing. Those truths that are deemed negative truths, are truths none the less, but they must then be neutralized so that they no longer remain as negatives.

If you do not like the truth, you need to change it. First though, you must acknowledge the truth as it really is. Then you must understand why that truth is so. From that point of understanding, you can then plot a path of change. But if we ALL have to live in denial of OUR human truths on a permanent basis, does that not suggest that we do not like our truths? 

We have to be bold enough to acknowledge them as ugly truths first, therein our big stumbling block! We were never taught to tell the truth up in the north, man-kind was our teacher, HE never did the truth, did HE?

Thankyou for reading this post. I wonder if you are FEELING your way towards me or as so often, to not say always, the opposite and pulling your shutters down! Do you cover up lies systematically? Can you acknowledge your own truth? Or do you keep your mouth shut and just look the other way from what you know is wrong?

In my next post I will look at the back cover blurbs and choosing the cover design. Until next time,  please FEEL free to comment or make communication. These are the Amazon links to my book: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback and ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book

There is a listing of other INFJ blogs here: https://lifestyle.feedspot.com/infj_blogs

Wednesday 16 November 2022

YOUR FELLOW INFJ-T INTRODUCES YOU TO HER BOOK!

COME ON INSIDE, TAKE A LOOK AND FIND OUT WHAT I HAVE GOT TO WRITE ABOUT! Post No.5 (A 15 minute read) 

Good morning to ALL, I have woken today to a grey sky which has shed most of its moisture content overnight and a brief hour of light rain has just subsided. It seems as though we have made a positive start weatherwise I mean, to our autumn season. By the calendar in Europe, autumn officially begins on September 21st. 

Here this year in Almería, it has of course, only been noticeable as lightly different to summer up to the beginning of November and yes, at last the temperatures stay under 30ºC! More comfortable conditions therefore but the winter chill will be here before we know it!! How will we all fare in our fridge-box homes with our escalating gas and electricity costs? Where are the renewables?

In today´s blog I am going to share the introduction page of my book with you and give you my thoughts and reasons for those words as an introduction to all that would come from there on. These were for me, the very first words that I wrote down on paper, that day when all came to a head and I had to find a way to maintain my psychological stability. 

I had so many thoughts reeling around in my mind. COVID-19 and the poor decision making at the top level which was leading to the loss of so much human life, combined with the poor decision making of much of our global populations which was leading to mass transmission of this lethal virus. 

my hand painted ceramic tile from Córdoba picturing the Mezquita de Córdoba
MY CERAMIC TILE FROM CÓRDOBA! WHENCE MY MIND KICK STARTED INTO ACTION AGAIN!

It was the Maimónides quote from Córdoba that really nailed it for me. I will quote him again, "The risk of taking a poor/erroneous decision is preferable to the paralysis of indecision." What were our leaders in truth? Were they leading us? Yes, but where were they leading us all? Into another man-made cycle of disaster, that is where! Into a new normal, where our new normal now includes a lethal virus that is  allowed to wander unhindered all over the world, with the exceptions of very few nations like the bold, brave Chinese, who still believe in human life and preserving their living integrity.

But how can they be COVID-19 free when the rest of the world does not care whether they have 200 cases per day or 2 million cases per day? After all, it is the oldies who are succumbing by majority, is it not? Those who were unhealthy anyway, the physically weak? This virus has seen much chaff sorted from the wheat. Man-made decisions will always have a human clean up as their consequence. The reason why we should not tolerate man-kind as our leader!

What I could see so clearly was that, depending where you lived in the world, your leadership was making better or worse decisions. The recent trip to Córdoba and my session meditating and contemplating on the Calipha´s terrace, now seemed to have become as preparation for this new day, where just a few actually had the power of decision. I could see so clearly, I think maybe for the first time, that each and every human being alive, is living always by the decisions of less than 2,000 people. 

Therefore the critical importance of who that leader is, do you not think? What kind of person is HE? Does HE have integrity? Does HIS word actually mean anything? Does HE actually make any good decisions ever? This led me to see that if a leader´s word means nothing to us, that is to say that we recognize them as untrustworthy, therefore we do not believe them anymore. 

We did believe but they have let us down so systematically, that we no longer believe them. We lose our belief in our leaders!! At the same time, we withdraw our faith from our leaders. We have supported them into leadership but they are showing themselves on a daily basis, to be the lying, cheating, bullying incompetents that they really are. THEM and US!

So, we stop believing, we withdraw our faith because we can see that we have misplaced it. We cannot believe in our leaders and so we cannot place our faith in their honesty and integrity because we can now see them for what they are! With the loss of faith and belief, well, of course, bang goes your hope too, does it not? No hope! The hope that here you had an honest leader who would be as good as HIS word, HE would do as HE said and HE would lead the way by HIS own fine example, lifting all the man-made taboos.

I have had the good sense to realize that this is where we are as a world full of citizens. We systematically believe, place faith and therein hope arises. We see the truth and bang, crash, wallop, those three fundamental human necessities just disappear into nowhere. A myth which can only be a myth whilst man-kind is our leader!

As western human beings, we are finally beginning to question ever harder our leaders. Our reporters and journalists have become as hound dogs on a trail and will dig on the behalf of all, to get down to the dirty roots of these very prosperous pillars of society. The more that is revealed, the less we feel we can trust. The more that is revealed, the less faith we have in man-kind. The more that is revealed, the more sure I become in my knowledge that there IS and NEVER WILL BE any hope for any of us INFJs whilst man-kind is making the decisions for us and every other HUMAN BEING to live by.

If fundamentally we have no faith, belief or hope in our real leaders on the ground, then where do we turn for our hope? Where does hope spring from? Man-kind is not an altogether stupid beast but he is an extraordinarily callous beast. He is also a very devious beast and by keeping whole populations in total ignorance of any facts, or any knowledge beyond what he wants us all to know, he seeks to control each and every one of us.

HE has created HIS own henchmen/back-up tools. The man-made gods on high! Who are after all, just a reflection of the man-made gods on earth, who sit above us all! THEY are there to give all those non-believers in man-kind, something else to believe in. They are there for all of those who have no faith in their leaders. They are there for those who see no hope anywhere in real life and clutch at invisible, non-existent straws. The man-made gods and their great wisdom!!????

Why though, do so few of us world citizens, not believe in ourselves and our ability to independently live our lives? Why do so many of us world citizens have no faith in ourselves and our ability to independently guide ourselves? Why do so many of us world citizens find no hope anywhere on this planet earth and so, concentrate fixedly on the life after this one is over and all this man-made suffering will be over for us too?

                        

INTRODUCTION TO ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN

On the outside looking in........ Have we not all at one time or another, felt that we were on the outside looking in? As a child watching others trying something new and so wanting to try too but afraid to put yourself forward. As one with much talent but born into a humble home, knowing that no, they were never going to find themselves on that path to their dreams. As a female born long ago, knowing that their lives would never be about what they really wanted because their script had been written out for them by their father´s or future spouse´s.

So many who simply by time of birth, place of birth and to whom they were born, has so determined their path through life. Always longing to be more than they are. Not necessarily have more than they have, but to be more because they feel they know, each and everyone, that they could achieve so much more, if only someone could hear their voices, hear their ideas, watch their talents and see beyond that individuals´appearance, background and upbringing. 

At last be given that outstretched hand, accompanied by a voice which says, "Come on! You can be part of this too! You are just as valid as us! Do not count yourself out! Just because you have not achieved anything yet, does not mean that you will not be able to!"

We have arrived at a point in time, where our levels of faith, belief and hope are probably at an all-time low! FAITH, yes great! But where and in who are we placing our faith? BELIEF, yes great! But what and who can we really believe? HOPE, yes great! But hope in what and in who?

YES, we need faith! YES, we need to believe and absolutely YES, we need hope if we want to see better times in this, OUR time on Earth. So, is it not absolutely crucial, more than ever before, that we examine carefully our faiths, beliefs and hopes and where and in whom we place them!

It is from my standing view point as a Mum, housewife and wife, that I sit on my terrace at home, on the outside of life as of twenty-five years, looking in! Come and share my thoughts on how the world could look if we took a turn backwards as our means to finally moving forward and at last, beginning to crank up human evolution again! 

My own brain was working faster than it had done since youth. The phoenix who had seen 2020 as the year of her own uprising, was now confined to home because of a deadly virus!!!!! And why? Because of our leaders and their `paralysis of indecision´. I was going almost mad. It all seemed so logical, so straightforward, why was I amongst so few who could see and understand what was happening but also what we were setting up for ourselves?

INFJs whether Assertive or Turbulent, will quite possibly have shared these emotions along with me at this same period in time. I could not credit the communal opposition to almost every good guideline that was laid down. We in the westernized world, were the worst of all! What was all of our education about, what did it all mean? If when asked to follow some simple instructions for our own personal safety and the well-being of every other fellow human, we cannot comply because it interrupts our social life?

All INFJs will quite probably have found the invasion of your private (normally) space very nearly mind-blowing. The others were all home instead of vacating our private spaces!!! As I wrote in my book, the only changes that the COVID-19 outbreak made to me, were the wearing of a facial mask but as an invisible anyway, that was quite enjoyable. It certainly would not have been the year before with my hot sweats!!!! And of course, the loss of my private space and the tranquility that comes with it!

I could forsee a day when all and sundry would forget about COVID-19 and live with it. I saw that very early on and that pained me. Which is why I applaud the Chinese government for their solid, consistent efforts to prevent the mass transmission of this virus amongst their fast moving one and a half billion citizens. Too sadly I was right and that is where we are today. All over the westernized world, the deaths daily contributable to COVID-19, are still in the thousands!

The fittest of the fit shall survive. That kept going through my head. I will survive COVID-19 by making the right decisions for myself and I will keep away from others. To date I am still untouched by this virus!! As an INFJ-T like I need to make a point of keeping away from others!!!! The surrounding madness of all and sundry, plus the 24 hour company at home, needed a steel will to not succumb to suicide. The paper, as I have already said, became that confidante, I poured out my frustrations onto those pages.

I was so aware of the daily statistics of COVID-19 and they were so dramatic. We did not have a war going off, oh, no, these people were not being callously killed at the orders of one member of man-kind! These were all dying from man-kind´s cowardice and lack of human feeling! HE wanted us to believe that we had nothing to worry about really, it was just like a common COLD!! HE wanted us to have faith in HIS leadership and we could carry on as normal!!! We would not have any transmission or deaths in OUR country, not on MY watch! That was what all and sundry wanted to hear and so he gave them all HOPE! But it was FALSE HOPE, was it not?

Having just checked the WHO official statistics, which can only be a general guide as there is no testing being done in Europe now, so they are the confirmed cases only, I can tell you that to date we have world wide accumulated a total of  632 million, 533 thousand and 408 confirmed cases of COVID-19. Out of which some 6 million, 592 thousand and 320 people have died. This, in the space of two and a half years. Even Adolf Hitler took longer to reach this same inhumane loss of life!

This is now largely a European and North American problem because of our poor overall health and of course, this driving urge for big social gatherings which favour mass transmission of any virus or bacteria. We are still listing 100 thousand confirmed COVID-19 cases in Europe every day. No, it has not gone away has it? It is with us until every vulnerable person has fallen from it. 

Then it will mutate and most likely become venereal, therein spreading amongst all sexually active people, male and female alike. The possibilities or probabilities will become the same as all of our already well established venereal diseases. It will go UNDERGROUND!!!!

The fittest of the fit shall survive but in what conditions and under what conditions? That is the study behind my writing and part of the reason for writing at all. I wish to survive to see a day without man-kind in charge of us all. A day where there are no man-made gods on high or on earth, only real human beings, who can find good leaders amongst them. I try to work out how to get to that day from my standing view point `ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN´.

Thank you very much for reading this post. I hope it has made you think a little and possibly have you cast your mind back to those initial COVID-19 days. In my next post I will take you through the prologue page and why those words mean so very much to me. 

Please FEEL welcome to comment on this post or any of my posts. I would so enjoy hearing the thoughts of others and their opinions too. The comment space is below this post, there is a contact box in the right-hand panel and directly below that is the follow tab, for any who would like to keep up with my trains of thought!

The book is available on Amazon: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback and ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book

More INFJ blogs can be found on this listing: https://lifestyle.feedspot.com/infj_blogs

Monday 14 November 2022

TO WHOM DO I DEDICATE MY BOOK?

WHO DO YOU MENTION IN YOUR BOOK DEDICATION AND WHY? Post No.4 (A 13 minute read)

Good afternoon to ALL, in a bid to distract myself from turbulence today, I will sit and talk with the wider world for a while and restore my status quo. In my last blog, I explained my long run up to actually getting pen to paper. For most creative INFJs, whether they be ASSERTIVES or TURBULENTS, or like myself swaying between the two permanently, they will most likely have found that like I, the writing was the easy part of a book. I did not think, I just wrote. I did not think structurally, I used no established guidelines. I just followed my trains of thought and wrote them down.

What that has given me as a result, is a book which is ME ALL OVER. My words, with no taboos, expressed in my way, told in my order, as and when they came into my path purely by rambling. I did not go looking for pieces very often. This was about placing all of my own pieces and building my own clear picture of my life, not the life of others. All my own thoughts, no one else´s, which is just what I wanted. No one will put words in my mouth unless I deem them wise words. But I will be my own judge always. I will have NO TABOOS. How many of you are your own judges too?

Having hand-written a manuscript of 266,000 words, you can well believe that the typing up process was going to take its time and it did. Slow, laborious, tedious, really hard work indeed. I will not go too deep on this as I explore all of this in my second book, which I began to write just three weeks after publishing the first one. The void in my life was so great that I reached for the pen and paper again as my life line. It kept me going for another year, it did.

On opening any book if it has been laid out well, you will see on the left inside page the copyright details. That first up I must say feels wonderful. Your own official book code number. It is a reality. Your book has become a reality, a real living being. You have laid out your very own thoughts and life in words and beyond that, you have organized it all into a real life book. Yes, I have done it! Because right at the beginning and five chapters into writing, then at page 200 and page 400 and page 600 and beyond, you still do not know that this is going to become a real life book.

For now, you are the only one in the world (very nearly true for me), that even knows that you are writing. These are secret, solitary hours of blissful intimacy with your paper friend. Your writing becomes as a child. You planted the seed, it germinated, you began to nurture it and care for it. Even as it grew, you could feel the beauty that you were feeding into this new life. The budding felt inevitable, the flowering would occur, it was already. Thick, heavy, perfumed blooms were in the making and all in semi-secret!

How painful then, that after one and a half years of pouring your love and care into 805 pages of real life book, that amongst those who you can tell, you find zero interest, not only that though, you feel their disdain, their scorn, their derision. I will not say much about this here either because I write much on this at the beginning of my second book. And of course, my partner who has no knowledge of it all. Rock and a hard place, who knows that one?

Next page into a book generally has a dedication but of course you add this part at the laying out stage, that is to say after you have finished writing your book. My book being my own story of real life lived and my own trains of thoughts, having re-visited my years lived as I did in depth, had me see so clearly who I needed to dedicate this book to.

Living in the hope that someone will read my books one day and read my blogs here, in preparation for that day, I am going to tell all of you future readers why my dedication reads as it does. Here is the dedication:

"This work is dedicated to all those who have loved me and still love me, my beloved family. To all the teachers in my life who have shared their knowledge with me. To each and every brewer of mint tea, who has shared their brew with me, along with their time and company and to each and every wonderful person whose path I have crossed and who has shared their pearls of wisdom with me. To Mr. John Lydon and `All The Young Punks´, The Clash, the late Bob Marley, the late Peter Tosh, UB40 and The Specials, whose pearls of wisdom have shown themselves to be just that! And to my favourite troubadour Mark Knopfler for taking me away with him on his travels and soothing my soul for the last four decades! Thankyou all, life just would not have ever had the same beautiful shine without you all!"

If you have read my blog regarding my VITAL STATISTICS, you will be able to see very clearly why my own family just had to be the first mentioned. Those who have loved me and still love me, in spite of being the strangest person that they know, they still have not cut me off! Those remaining make no effort to contact me but hey? They are not communicators like me, they have to keep their FEELINGS under control, underwraps!!! THEY do not suffer from emotion! That is what they think, but we know otherwise, do we not INFJs?

Next the teachers in my life. I have ever seen a teacher as a light bearer if they choose to be that way but they can just as easily snuff out the light too! My own mother and father were both teachers to me and my sisters and they were very competent at their labour. My own sisters have both taught me much. Along with just a few really competent teachers who were able to lead me and all my class of the day, to realms of light. These were the teachers who led the way, helped us build confidence and not have fear of the unknown. These were the people who helped us to thought process, the most valuable skill of all, along with writing and reading.

MINT TEA!!!! Blissful mint tea!!!! I have had more cups of mint tea well accompanied by at least two thousand times, than I have shared a cup of english tea well accompanied!!! I have shared mint tea with so many beautiful, righteous and worthy people in African and Arab nations, as well as sharing with those nationals who find themselves in Europe but never lose the mint tea custom! Enlightening conversation is always guaranteed and much learning will be done, free education from real human beings.

On my travels, no one HAD to talk to me, no one HAD to share anything with me but of course, in this part of the world, sharing is automatic as I quickly found out! I learnt to share everything whilst travelling and living with these incredibly deep, goodly peoples. I came back a much better person. They enabled me to see so much of what was missing in my own peoples. I could see it so clearly. It is the HUMAN part that is missing. They are no longer human only man-kind´s tools. Real life zombies who follow instructions and orders. Ask them to think for themselves and you are in trouble!

There have been so many thousands of people far and wide who have shared all that they had and all that they knew with me and this part of the dedication is for all of them. Yes, there have been a few, a few I stress, so few that I just need the one hand to count them but yes, there have been a few nearer and closer too. 

a selection of my punk rock music albums
SOME OF MY YOUNG PUNKS!

Teachers and guides come in all guises and next in the dedication is Mr. John Lydon, the lead singer of the Sex Pistols punk rock band. This man without a doubt was an extrovert, he challenged man-kind with HIS own truth. This was a first for my nation full of man-kind. Young males were prepared to stand up and call man-kind by his real name. Cheating, lying, conniving, deceiptful, cruel, callous, cowardly, bullish, murderous, despotic, savage, corruptable! Sick and sexually perverted to add to the negative characteristics of man-kind. 

Mr. John Lydon was talking about famous male presenters and males of import, along with their sexual deviations. Referring to the rape of children, both boys and girls, rape and sexual molestation of teenage girls and boys. It was not so much the musical lyrics that got man-kind so worried, oh, no! They are all just true statements. No, they could see the danger here, their cover could be wrenched off them if they did not act quickly and decisively!

The Sex Pistols were banned from playing live, from tv, from the airwaves, their recording contract was cancelled. They were turned into `OUTCASTS, POTENTIAL H-BOMBS´. Man-kind made us all potential human bombs. All like walking time bombs, all ready to explode at any moment from our own impotency and frustration. We had no guides but each other, this was a first for my nation! A whole generation of educated minds that were calling their truths out loud. WE HAD TO BE SILENCED!! 

Brave, bold men make brave, bold decisions and Mr. Richard Branson, now Sir. Richard Branson, had just started up his Virgin Records Label and signed up for an album with the Sex Pistols. `Never Mind The Bollocks´ was the title, that being in 1977, brilliant year as it was for music! Punk rock was message music and the words ring out the same today as they did then because we have not made any headway since!

Man-kind won but were we ALL subdued? Not I! But I have lived all my life as an `OUTCAST´ and I continue to be a `POTENTIAL HUMAN BOMB´. Have no fear readers, I would distance myself from others prior to explosion!!!! The Clash were another favourite of mine and their music, much the same as all punk music, continues to be some of the truest words ever sung by a generation of visionaries who had x-ray vision and saw through man-kind. 

Over Jamaica way, the late Bob Marley and the late Peter Tosh in particular, were with their Reggae beat, bringing us the truth of life over in Jamaica, where the brown skin was suffering so badly at the hands of the white man-kind! Timeless words until they become resigned to the past! I could so wish to live to see that day. A day when the meaning belongs only to yesteryear, those awful, ugly days of MAN-KIND´s dominance and subjugation. 

the late, great bob marley in concert 1980 poster
EVER LIVING, EVER FEARFUL, EVER SURE!

That Reggae beat came to my island along with the Caribbean peoples and ska and rock steady began to blend and our youths blended too. Music, we lived for our music; OUR TRUTH! Not what man-kind would have us believe, oh, no! Mirror images; HE labelled US PUBLIC ENEMY No.1! He saw himself painted by our words and so did the Reggae and Ska boys like UB40 and The Specials, continue to slate man-kind. At last we had young men of all complexions coming together and recognizing that we all had just the one common enemy; man-kind!!! They were my teachers, my pillars of society, where I can believe and place my faith and so never give up hope completely.

Finally, Mr. Mark Knopfler, just to balance out all of those message bearers and teachers, well, Mr. Knopfler has been able always to distract me from my own thoughts on life and take me off with him and explore his thoughts and observations of life. Such a rich catalogue of music and words with a myriad of themes and flavours. I mention him often throughout my writing. He and all the other musicians and singers are my medicine. The best medicine in my book because they NEVER let me down!!!!  

my mark knopfler music albums, what a variety
PICTURES OF LIFE IN MUSIC AND WORD BY MARK KNOPFLER.



my Dire Straits music albums, so many to choose from
THE DIRE STRAITS ALBUMS

So friends, credit where credit is due. These people have all had an important part in shaping me to be the me I am today. I have enjoyed looking back at this moment. In the next blog, I will take you on the next step, at least in the order that I did it, probably all wrong according to others but it is MY book and accepting your own guide is a positive sign. I am after all 83% INTUITIVE and 74% FEELING.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this blog. Please FEEL welcome to comment or make contact. For any interested in reading my book, you can find it on Amazon with these links: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback and ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book

Any interested in other INFJ blogs check this listing: https://lifestyle.feedspot.com/infj_blogs


  




Sunday 13 November 2022

WHAT INSPIRED ME TO BEGIN BOOK WRITING?

WHERE WAS THE CATALYST? PUMPED UP IDEAS BUT ARE THEY ALL HOT AIR OR LIFE BRINGING MANNA? Post No.3 (A 31 minute read) 

Hello again friends, well, I have had a productive day in which I have learnt quite a few new bits and pieces and that always feels good. Just as I finished my last post, my phone rang. It was my partner who said, "Hi Galadriel, is it safe to come and get a sandwich?" "I will get my gloves on!" I replied with a smile. My greeting smile felt more genuine than of late, that happens when I think of all these little things and know that they are what keep us going and maybe why I do not ever give up hope of improving our status quo.

I have started my blog with a view to discussing my books now that I have taken up writing. My trains of thought being followed where ever they go. Meandering along and enjoying the ramble. That is total freedom. I often feel like a Buddhist monk and I know that I would enjoy spending time up in the Himalayas meditating. Meditation is after all only concentrating on thinking and exploring your own brain and trying to tap into your genetic memory and hopefully lighten up some more passage ways in your own memory store room. 

As each passage way is explored, so the light is shed upon your path. Enlightenment. I have some wonderfully enlightening moments when I go off rambling through my labyrinthal brain; I really do. The problem is trying to write as fast as my thinking, which is absolutely impossible in truth. But that is the sign that my lights are at my command again, the shadows can fall but I can easier cast them aside, if only temporarily.

I had thought many times of writing a book, I had certainly had many `novel´ ideas. I had met an American gentleman whilst slaving in a restaurant some years ago now and he was very encouraging and I felt that I was getting closer to doing so. The summer work season drew to a close and the out of work period began. I was exhausted, seven-day weeks, we only did not do eight-day weeks because there are not eight days in a week, plus this is ten to twelve hours per day and all for thirty euros. As I said; SLAVERY!! 

In spite of eating very little per day, I seemed to be filling out around the waistline and bust. Is this for real, I asked myself? I am barely eating and buzzing around non-stop all day and night, why was I plumping up like this. Middle age spread sprang to mind, well, yes, I had broken into my fifties the year before, oh, no, I am getting OLD? At home with time on my hands and little to do, one could think that would be an ideal time to start getting myself back into shape.

I had worked as a fitness instructor in my thirties and had been such an active exerciser since my early twenties but now my driver had completely disappeared and as yet has not returned. It was like `hitting the wall´, everything that had been ME, just seemed to have disappeared. I have ever prided myself for my monumental memory and here I was not even knowing why I had just stood up. My goodness, is this the onset of Alzheimer´s, what already? I was terrified. I could not think at all. I could not string two thoughts together.

I would wake up sobbing with tears and then proceed to sit and look at the wall all day and I mean all day! The tears would not subside, WHY? What was happening to me? I had quite literally, from one day to the next, become the complete opposite to me in everything. What I did not know at that moment in time was that in fact my body had been undergoing its own personal inter-blood changes. Shifting my hormone levels around, having decided that I no longer needed to ovulate.

And yes, I could not believe how my thoughts were winding around maternity and that by age no, I would not ever know what it was to be pregnant and give birth to a piece of myself and so reincarnate. There in the trigger to the depression. My whole body, heart, soul and mind went into communal grieving for the loss of my former self. I would go spiralling off into daydreams that would run all day and I would only come out of them when my partner came home.

Were these daydreams though, well, no, they were fantasy, pure fantasy? Romance, passion, unbending love and commitment! We are attributed with a great sense of romance as INFJs. I had never realized just how deep mine ran. Reciprocity was the all central focus of these fantasies, blissful intimacy and reciprocity. 

I could see myself, looking out of the window of the top tower of my castle, sat on top of a mountain with a long, winding road which disappeared out of my sight. What lay beyond? Whatever lay beyond, it had nothing to do with me, or maybe I had nothing to do with it. The once beautifully kempt gardens were wild and showed their abandon. Since the little prince left home, the laughter and play had gone. Thorns and brambles were now growing all up the walls. Indeed many had been planted on purpose in front of the main door. 

That was never unlocked; it did not need to be. My Prince Charming climbed up his Rapunzel´s tresses; he did not need a key! The back door though, always had a way out and whilst I had to stay in sight of the castle, I explored every blade of grass within my range. Woe betides those tresses not falling down when solicited!!! 

But the tears which cascaded down those castle walls had ensured that whilst Cinderella was neglecting all of her duties to her Prince Charming, HIS castle and her own self, the plants had not wanted for hydration. They were vigorous and rampant, just like me! But my prince was never a consummate gardener. Maybe being born in a concrete jungle and not having a garden of your own, you never FEEL plants.

My mother FELT the plants that we had in our gardens, front and back. When my mother, father, sister and dog, moved to this house, it was new. Our gardens front and back were recently dug over earth, a blank canvas all ready to begin embellishing. Wow! Our gardens were our play ground and I speak much of this beautiful start to life that I was afforded by my PROTAGONIST father and my DEFENDER mother. To share it with me was my CONSUL big sister and our two year old dog, who without a shadow of a doubt, would come in as a DEFENDER too.

She was blonde and shaggy by the time I was born, no longer a pup. The photos of big sis´as a babe and toddler all have our blonde pup in them as well. So it was for me too. Between the dog and my elder sister, well, I had to teach both of them a very important lesson which was, "You do not have to tell Mum everything I do!" The manipulator was always there. "I am eating a worm! What is wrong with that?" I can still stand by that! The hunter and gatherer in me, as my beloved Dad would say to my Mum. I tasted everything that moved in our gardens!

Eventually my mother gave up, as she could see that I was now getting back-up! My Dad though, well, he had 72% Intuitive and me 83% Intuitive. He taught me about the ones that I really did not ought to eat because they were poisonous. My sister would do the same but well, there was only ever one person who could come close to me in fantasy story making as a child and that was my big sister. My goodness, when I look back and think of the stories that she made up that I believed totally. If my Dad or elder sister had said it, then it must be true.

Young child as I was, I did not know clinical character traits in the defined sense but these two were always right; I thought. Both of them had 100% Judging if you remember. So, you see how my intuition, all 83% of it, was clearly making its own decisions and pretty well. How and why did my big sister pull the wool over my eyes so often? That is what I have ever asked myself. Well, I think I can now answer that because for all of my Intuitive she was Observant. For all of my Turbulent she was Assertive. The one who can see how they can easily dominate a vulnerable mind! And if you, like I, think the sun shines out of their back end, well, you will be taken for a ride with great frequency.

I FEEL that my father would have stepped in here and pulled her up on this. "She is your younger sister by two years, not your equal. You are taking advantage of your superior knowledge but if you wanted to, you could be the one to teach your sister and guide her!" Because yes, she did leave off setting me up. She would start to do so and I would feel a little, uuuhm and so I would look in her eyes. "AH, YES, NOW I HAVE GOT YOU!!! I can see your intention in your eyes." Tuning in now as I was to her voice, I could hear it too. 74% FEELING me and 83% INTUITIVE!

It was not the same then for her and she put it aside and became everything that I have already shared with you. She was very even keel for the most part, it was only hideous males who upset her status quo. It is said that we INFJs attract the abusive partners and I agree, I will expand on that at another moment. But so too do the female CONSUL types like my sister. An assertive, confident, career woman, in charge of her life, able to make her own decisions as and where necessary. INDEPENDENT in every sense. The lousy, parisitic, waster type seem attracted to them. As I have sadly had to witness with my sister.

As soon as they got their foot in her door, they spent 24 hours a day using the place, her and her money. She suffered severe violence and pain on various occasions trying to get these bastards out of her home and life. Something I share too. I have been knocked almost unconscious by three partners too. Neither she nor I, ever got it right. I came closer but all right, NO; as you are hearing. She just like I then, only needed a male for company (stimulating company at that) and for sexual sensations. If neither of those were satisfying well, no need to carry on. 

We both wanted to be treated by a male as our father treated us; as equals. He spent much time with us as young girls, attempting to give us the benefit of all that he knew and we had his full support at all times but we rarely had the support from our mother as teenagers. On top of everything our Dad was great company, we loved being with our Dad. We loved the way he talked, all that he told us was so nicely related and I know that as a man, he FELT freedom while alone with his daughters who adored him and he came out of his emotional shell with us. Beautiful days.

Between Mum and Dad and all their hard work, we had gardens that changed with the seasons and my parents´ growing knowledge on gardening. My mother would watch gardening programmes and learn. My father bought gardening manuals. It was our paradise. We had our own vegetable patches and the wonderful things of edible nature that were grown in that garden, well, this is HOBBITON in real life! And yes, there is a tremendous similarity as children, of the FRODO - SAM pairing as my big sis´and I. She obviously being Frodo!!! But faithful Sam/little sis´, who is prepared to die for you or with you but will be with you every step of the way and I proved that, I just wish I had not had to be put to that ultimate test!

So, nature´s child here, like she does not know a thing or two about nature and growing cycles!! And yes, try and stop this brain from whirring round! I grow, I bud, I get excited, yes, I am going to bloom this time. But no, my city dwelling, unconsummate gardener does not FEEL life, he does not FEEL growth and so, comes and unceremoniously hacks me down to my ankles. Although my own tear shedding is most days of the week, I never become dehydrated! Food for thought? I will never have a shortage of that and therein the new growth begins to shoot out again.

That is what is happening here, right now. Growth, in what direction, I am not altogether sure but hey? I am not a systematic, ordered type, NO; not at all. Randomly FEELING, getting drifts, picking up scents and following trails. I learnt from my dog too! I did learn so much from the dogs in my life. If they would eat it then it must be ok and my mother gave up trying to protect us all from ourselves and just let us get on with it. 

I went one better than that though with my little Puppy and I introduced him to every creepy crawly and told him of the flavours and textures, which were good to eat and which were not. What do you think the result of that was? He hardly ever put anything into his mouth when out in the wild, real world of nature. 

My mother did the same with him as a toddler, learning a generation late, but many have been better grand-parents than parents. That has been my mother´s case. My Puppy absolutely adores her and we have beautiful photos of him in her arms walking around our gardens, talking him through all that he is seeing. Blissful days, when everything seemed to fit, for me at least! Then Dad died and bliss with it!!

Back to the thread of today´s blog and well, in the distance, I spot a figure walking up the winding path to the castle. He has a bag over his shoulder and a guitar case in one hand. I know him, oh, yes, I know him! How is it that you are coming to me, how have you found me? Yes, it is you that I have been looking for all my life, YOU! The PERI-MENOPAUSE is brutal for some, me being one of them. Bear with me, you need to know how it is!

It is none other than my favourite troubadour (as I think of him), Mark Knopfler. Here was my Prince Charming come to bring the music back into this castle and stir life into this drained and wasted princess locked within herself now; as well as the castle. Double thickness walls!! At his mid-fifties age, he was looking positively like my father was when he met his end at just 58 years of age. I could see it, I had always looked for a man like my father, not physically speaking but in character and this man well, I know him to be so assertive, prospecting, intuitive, deep-feeling and has found the way to be an extroverted introvert.

I so feel that is what I am needing to do. I actually think that I would see this man more fifty-fifty with his percentages, barring the turbulent, there he is far outweighed by the assertive. Well, he comes right into the forecourt, lays down his guitar case and his bag. What will be his next move I ask myself? Oh, no! Please do not call for Rapunzel to send down her tresses and no, please do not risk life and limb trying to climb up the brambles! My own personal experiences can tell you that if they could not take my childhood weight, well, as an adult male, I can see you coming to a sad end!!! 

I did not know that my fantasy troubadour was a consummate gardener. He opened his bag and got out his gardening tools and began to set to work. He observed each and every plant before setting to with the secateurs. Oh, how he toiled under the hot sun and by sundown, what a difference! The great castle door had at last become accessible, would he now knock at the door? He had not once as yet looked up at my window, did he even know I was there? He cleaned up his tools and put them back in his bag and then took his guitar out of its case.  

my poster showing the lyrics of Mark Knopfler´s song, Romeo and Juliet
PURE ROMANCE, NO TABOOS! SING TO ME TROUBADOUR!

He began to play and sing and yes, he knew I was in there, he knew how I FELT, he FELT the same. I could hear that in his words. Here was my kindred spirit at last! No, I did not need whisking away on a white steed to HIS castle and end up the same again. I wanted to throw the shutters wide open, all the doors wide open, clear all the debris, cobwebs and dust away. Polish everything and make HOME again! Get my intuitive, artistic Puppy back and with my artistically, assertive troubadour and joined with this deep-feeling, intuitive being, find that HARMONY which I wish to FEEL always but can never find.

I suppose this could have gone on forever but a neighbour of mine suggested that we get together with a bottle of wine to which I said, YES! She knew something was wrong, my shutters were closed all day, every day. She lives in the UK but comes to stay regularly in her apartment in my urbanization. I actually felt like saying "NO", but she had come and knocked on my door and bless her heart! She was just the kind of person that I needed at that moment; like my big sister.

I spilled it all out and even the fantasies and cracked up laughing as she told me some of her fantasies. At sixteen years older than me, she had been here before; she knew what I was going through. Knowing that you are not the only one in the world has such an uplifting effect; it is the best therapy possible. Suddenly all of these feelings were not trapped inside me, they were being shared and with a sensitive person who knew first hand what this really was all about.

Music lover as I am, this is like being stuck in a groove and it was she who managed to nudge the record player´s arm over that scratch and into the next groove. I could not really believe the timing but Mark Knopfler released his new album not long after this conversation and shortly afterwards announced his tour dates. Stating so sadly, that this would be his farewell tour. Like I needed anymore reasons for crying!!!!

I think I must have been 250% Turbulent at this point in time! I did not want to see or speak to any living human. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and never wake up again. I was in total dormancy to vary from my previous state of just stagnancy. And this announcement of Mark´s was probably one of the few things that could have moved me. So, I GAVE my partner the choice of the gig in Valencia or Córdoba. He had recently had to get a copy of his birth certificate from the Córdoba registry office and had found out the address where he had been born in Córdoba. He had a yen to find out where he was born and so, Córdoba it was to be!

Assertive used to be my middle name, you become Turbulent when you do not have the power of decision. There would be no two ways about this one. "I go by myself if you do not want to go but I WILL GO TO MY FAVOURITE TROUBADOUR´S GIG, I WILL AND NOT YOU, NOR ANYTHING WILL STOP ME FROM DOING SO!" If only I could be like that with all things. but I evaluate life on my terms and by allowing him to dominate 95% of the time, when I really MUST make my own decision, he will give way. So it was here.

Really, I did not want to go away anywhere. I had always wanted to visit Córdoba, so had he. Now we had the perfect reason for going and we both wanted to; chalk that one up!! I just could not believe the unfairness of the timing though. I felt crap, oh, I felt like s**t, I really did. It was a supreme effort that I made but Mark Knopfler has been emotionally supporting me and accompanying me through my life for forty years and I was not going to have him pass by my door without saying goodbye.

It was a truly emotional gathering, I was very subdued. My mind was rambling. I could see a group of young teens, just 13 and 14, getting the train to an unknown town and wandering around trying to find the gig venue. Wow, I was one of them, that was now a full forty years ago! I had been to see Mark play on every tour and as a video passing before my eyes, I was seeing him and me through the years. How we had changed as we had grown older and I knew I loved him. A man who I have so much respect and admiration for, a truly fine man, like my own father and so hugely talented. A man to be really proud of. 

Gentle tears trickled down my face, a total contrast to everyone else who was buzzing with expectancy. I knew that I had to be one hundred per cent tuned in, this as my late sister said to me before, this is for real!! He was going to have his 70th birthday on tour. Me, sat in the sidelines, FEELING like life as I knew it had all ground to an end and thinking bless you Mark, I am truly grateful and thankful to you for having pushed yourself so hard, so long. You are along with my father and sister, the only ones who have never let me down. You deserve your retirement, you do!

Cutting into my thoughts my partner said, "I do not think that I have ever seen so many bald heads in the same place at one time." Of course, if you remember, my partner is no less than 99% Observant! I really had not noticed anyone at all, my eyes were focused on the stage. I was going to fill my eyes, ears, mind, body and soul with this last live performance, for me at least and savour each and every moment.

I do not know how many of you believe in talking things up, wavelengths and the like but having just written, "Cutting into my thoughts my partner said", and what do you know, the phone rings. "Good morning Sleeping Beauty, are you awake?" In truth I have been typing solidly since he left at 8am, now some four hours ago!!!! So, he just dropped by to physically cut into my thoughts! 

Back to the bald heads! Yes, natural really was it not? I could well imagine my 13 and 14 year old male companions of that very first Dire Straits gig, quite likely would not be wearing too much of their own hair by now either! I was quite likely one of the youngest in the crowd!

It was a spectacularly emotional evening and when finally we were obliged to leave the bullring, the tears gently rolled down my cheeks. My partner, MY PROTECTOR, put his arm around me and asked if I was ok. I smiled a weak smile and nodded. So practical like my mother, taking the leadership role now whilst I was in my state of vulnerability. I just walked and listened to him talk, he steered me and him back to our hotel and I finally gave way.

He had already taken his holiday time and so, these were an extra couple of days off, we just had the one day therefore to explore and ran out of time. I was so proud of myself actually. Truly, only that which I most valued could have got me out of my house at that period in time and I had gone to a CITY and been surrounded by thousands of people. Fair enough, all being Mark Knopfler appreciators, pretty good folk therefore and so, no fear there!

We had dinner in a busy restaurant which had a gig poster on the door. "I want it!" I said, "It was last night after all." "You cannot just take it." my partner said. "It will end up in the bin, you and I are the only ones in here who know who Mark is!" So, assertive again, I get up to go for the poster. He jumps up and restrains me, now this time I am not going to cede any ground, I am not. So, he approaches the young waiter and asks if he can have the poster off the door. The young lad turns round and says, "Yeah. No problem, that was last night! I don´t know who the geezer is though!"

That did not seem to matter right then. He had just played for the last time here in Spain, he would not ever get the chance now. So, thanks to my partner, I have that gig poster framed and on my wall here at home. If I had been struggling both physically and mentally thus far, what I did not know was that it was about to get much worse, much worse! 

I suffered genital inflammation and passed a blood clot. My partner was beside me all the way but then he does see my genitals as his and vital to his well-being, sad but true! These are some of the memories stored at the back of the cupboards. Unpleasant ones, things you could have well done without but they were not caused by any other and so, no one to pass the blame to. I had to stop taking the contraceptive pill and within two weeks all hell broke loose.

I was in fact MENOPAUSAL by that time, I was no longer menstruating but now I had to adjust to life without the hormonal apportation of the contraceptive pill. COLD TURKEY was the result of that. I had the most wicked testosterone charges, I became as my teenage son during puberty and beyond. Bristling, with teeth and fists clenched. Like I had not been suffering an out of mind dilemma big time, well, now I was getting the out of body slaughter too! 

The result of this was continual sparring with my partner, who kept telling me that I had changed personality. "You are telling me?" I would throw back at him. "I do not have to put up with this!" he would say. "No, you do not!" I would answer. "I cannot do anything about me but I can about you. Get out of my life, go, if you so hate being with me, then go, get out of my life and leave me to pick up my pieces. I will be better off without you!" Well, when the boot is on the other foot, all of a sudden they do not seem to want to go, do they?

As he was doing his habitual rearing up, so was I. The Galadriel in me, rearing even higher than him, spitting a lethal venom that was so masculine in its toxicity, that you have to live it to believe it can be so. I wanted to drain this out of my blood, out of my body. But I did get the break through that I was looking for and I did neutralize much of my sometime Prince Charming/protector and othertimes the hissing, spitting, venomous toad´s toxicity towards me.

He became so sympathetic and caring from then on and I could see once again, why I could not get away from this relationship. I do not know quite how he coped really. Did you know that 54% of relationships of twenty-five years plus, come apart at this time in life? As I said to him, "What have I been doing for the last twenty-five years that now, NOW, when I am at, I think, the most vulnerable point that I have ever been, that you will not support me?" He does care, he has not had the two parents that I had, oh, no! But he did come over to being what I so needed him to be through those miserable days and nights of sweat pouring, suffocating bursts.

By mid-summer, I was beginning to get familiar with my new physical condition and speaking with a few older women gave me a lot of support, encouragement and the reassurance that, yes, there was an end to all of these dreadful symptoms there was! I think that is the single most useful detail that a woman can give to another going through this, it does end; it does! HANG IN THERE and of course, if your partner is not supporting your sad, miserable condition, that really will be a catalyst for separation and rightly so!

We lived to fight another day as they say, a very apt phrase for me and mine. There was added turmoil caused by the sickening health of one of my partner´s brothers, younger than him by two years, it came as a shock. So, two trips were made pretty well back to back. The first to see him alive for the last time and the second to say goodbye for the last time. I was SO there for my partner. He had flown over to England for my sister´s funeral. That had been our first separation ever. Another of my ASSERTIVE moments over both him and Puppy. "MY SISTER IS DYING. I WILL NOT WAIT UNTIL SHE IS DEAD. WE, PUPPY AND I, ARE ON A FLIGHT THIS EVENING!"

My mother had called one hour before, I had only ever heard that tone of voice once before. "I need you; your sister needs you!" Eight hours later Puppy could see why we had to come NOW! I had to push my partner on this one too. He was in disbelief. I took the lead and he is grateful that my lead was good. A couple or three unhappy long journeys which all involved grieving and loss. In amidst that loss, we found each other again, even as my neighbour said she did with her partner. Me and mine have always been at our best in bad times which is why it rattles me so much that in better times, we cannot seem to be happy, or to my estimation of happy.

This all now happening in the height of summer and away from home, was very difficult for this sweating machine that I had become. Very embarrassing for sure. By the autumn though, there was a noticeable abating of the frequency of these bursts and flare-ups I think, or was I getting used to it, I am not altogether sure there?? As so, we wended our way to the end of another year. What a year packed full of novelties and all negative ones. I had to have biopsies, numerous tests and an operation set up, how I would have coped without my partner?

Back of the cupboard feelings, much pain of the physical nature but oh, how wonderful my partner is at absorbing my physical pain, he is brilliant at that! Just like my sister and Dad there! They could absorb my physical pain too but it was my emotional pain that they could so well absorb as well. My partner is like my mother, both of whom have been trained to be immune from emotional pain and expect all others to learn to do the same. There is my groaning, aching deficit; someone to help absorb and share my emotional pains. 

Having moved into 2020, it felt like the turning of a page. So many of those negatives were neutralized and then stored as positives, at the back of the cupboards I will grant you because yes, there was pain, physical and emotional, yes, there was turmoil much of it, yes, there was some support from sources that I had not expected and that had a surprising worth. There was a lot learnt that year but I can store it all well, rather than carry it all as a permanent burden.

It was a poor year but as I rounded up my thoughts for the year, I could FEEL a clarity beginning, my memory was recovering. I had so feared that it would be a permanent thing, oh, no! I was coming back to life but not the same life as had been, oh, no! I was coming out of the other side of menopause, the post-menopause where it is all over bar the shouting! This is a weird time psychologically, so weird. You do not know yourself, it is tough, it is! 

My brain was seeing how actually I could cope with much that was very difficult emotionally; I could. 2020 was going to be my year, as a phoenix from the ashes I was going to stretch my wings and fly anew. This was going to be the year that I came back to life, no more Rapunzel, no more Cinderella, no more Sleeping Beauty. ME!! Early February saw my partner take his holiday time and we both decided that we had not been in the right frame of mind the previous spring when we went to see troubadour and so we would get back to Córdoba and explore some more.

Oh, I was looking forward to this! I had booked a room with our window looking on to the grand MEZQUITA DE CÓRDOBA. WOW!! If there are two triggers that I can guarantee will cause my partner to fire, they are the words Arab and African and all derivatives beyond. I had when I met him, began to open up, I saw the warning signs, I stopped opening up! No problem, I rarely do with anyone, why should that be any different with my partner? 

Determined to enjoy this trip, we set off now with my partner under par physically, with a phenomenal aching hip and knee. Sat down driving all day is a crippler; watch out! He was not up for walking much and so it was that I went off exploring by myself. I could have easily started this blog right here and told you all in a couple of paragraphs what gets one started on writing a non-fictional book based on their own life. This was the catalyst my friends. Going off exploring alone as a resuscitating phoenix who has been in love with all things Arab, African and Asian since she can remember!

Sat on the Calipha´s terrace at the ancient, ruined city of Medina Azahara, I went back in time. My Arab travels had seen me become familiar with their culture and his-story. I could see it all and for the first time in my life to date, I began to think as a leader and question what leadership was about. These FELT like revelations to me, I had not ever thought quite this clearly before.

Back at the hotel, walking along the corridor, painted in swirling letters was this quote from Moshé ben Maimón, better known as Maimónides, who was one of the Calipha´s wise men and was born in Córdoba. This was the quote, "The risk of making a poor decision is preferable to the paralysis of indecision."

On arrival home, well, it was like all the s**t world-wide had hit the fan and COVID-19 took us all by storm. The paralysis of indecision was so evident, oh, yes, any decision will be better than none, but to do nothing is to set us up for life. And that is what our leaders have done. A three-month lockdown was enforced and I had my partner home 24 hours a day for two of those three months. If this had happened the year before, we may well have finished each other off!

I had been in permanent lockdown for two and a half years already but being locked down with the whole world, their children and dogs, well, where do I go to get peace? Into your bedroom, with door and window shut! Stay tough, the fittest of the fit shall survive and they will but it will be because of the decisions that they take for themselves and others when tough choices need to be made. That is how you survive. 

I got talking to the paper and found that friend that I so needed right then at that moment in time. So, it was that April 2020 saw me start down the path to authorship and the rest as they say; is HER-STORY!

Have you ever considered writing your life story down on paper? Or maybe you too have already written your life story down on paper. Did you enjoy the experience? I know I did.

If you would like to look inside my book, you can do so on my amazon page via these links: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback  and  ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book

Thank you for reading thus far, please do FEEL welcome to comment on this blog and in the next blog I will introduce you all to my book. HAPPY THINKING!

Interested in other INFJ blogs, check this listing: https://lifestyle.feedspot.com/infj_blogs