WINDING UP THE `ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN´ POSTS!

PAGE TWO IS READY FOR USE! AND THOUGHTS OF THE MOMENT! Post No.59 (A 10 minute read) 

Having finally prepared page two of my summaries of the `On The Outside Looking In´ related posts, I will talk you through it briefly here. This is the second of four pages (two still to be laid out), the first page covers the posts written and published in the month of November 2022 (Posts 1 - 17 inc.) when I started my blog and my trains of thought kicked off. The intention being to guide new readers back to the beginning and hopefully come up to speed with me.

Page two therefore, is the continuation of my trains of thought plus my reviews of more chapters of my book, ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN. The posts written in the month of December 2022 (Posts 18 - 32 inc.) are all listed and summarised on this new page two, of four pages. As I now have my first book available for sale, I am now rounding up my phase of reviewing this, my first book in readiness to begin reviewing my second book.

I hope that through these four pages, many more readers will find their way towards my book!

MY FIRST BOOK!

Here is a link to the paperback version: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN

This is the link for the e-book version: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN

A very good evening to ALL who are looking my way today. It has been a cool, windy, cloudy day here again, a much cooler winter than we have had for some seven years or so. Though it is nice to have a break from the sun some days, it really is. I have been so pleasantly surprised at the numbers of readers that I have been receiving to my blog.

I can now add Kenya, Egypt and Gibraltar to the long list of countries lit up on my statistics map. Quite how you all find me I am never sure but I know that I am so very happy to have been read on the five continents. I had one very special day when I had readers from America, Canada, Morocco, Pakistan, Australia, Spain, France and Poland. The five continents were tuning in to me all at the same time, that really did give me a very special FEEL.

Few comments have been made as yet and I look forward to some comments and will keep on doing so. I must be patient, I imagine. It is a big world out there, I know, I have seen a fair bit of it!! I do have though, the knowledge that even now this very moment, that Ms. C is very likely reading my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN right now, here in the same town as me! That is more special than I can express in a few words.

Hello again I must say, as I am returning to this post now some three days since I began to write it. I have FELT my brain become all-consumed by my partner and his life this last week, that I have not been able to find my wavelength for more than a few brief moments at a time. Not long enough to pick up and follow any meaningful train of thought therefore.

That is what a narcissist´s ultimate aim is of course, as I now know. Literally crowd your mind with them, their needs, their desires, their life, their everything and so leaving you no space to have a thought that is unrelated to them. How self-centered can a person be? Live with a narcissist and you will learn that, if you reason hard enough with yourself and if you are honest enough with yourself, you can see that every chain reaction, begins and ends with them!

Your whole existence revolving around their selves, as though your only purpose in living, in being alive, was to meet their needs as and when they arose. Any display of hesitancy, displeasure, lethargy, unwillingness, will be met with a jet of potent venom! How dare you not behave like my mother? My mother did not defy her husband, she did as she was told! Like that makes it alright!

As I have said before, bred and fed narcissists (by father) or just fed narcissists (male society)? All wanting to be OBEYED and in quick time too, like you had been preparing all day for his arrival! Roll out the red carpet, bring sir his slippers, get sir a cup of his tipple, get sir this, get sir that! Serve sir his dinner, bring me this, bring me that, like you could want to sit and eat a meal yourself!

Then retire to the sofa and watch some horrendous TV shows/films and more bring me this and bring me that, like you have ever considered watching something of your choice, he certainly had not ever considered asking you, oh, no! Just like he never considered asking you anything, it never mattered to him, only if you were unwell and thereby deficient in meeting his needs!

There you would get a surprise, oh, yes! A right regular nurse maid and cook extraordinaire, to say nothing of cleaner! Have we not got our roles reversed here somehow? This male lived with a Cinderella and Prince Charming, aka, a hideously poisonous, hissing, spitting, venomous toad and a tortured child victim (mother) of another hideous, hissing, spitting, venomous toad, who knew no better of males!

It is the only play he knew and the players were always the same. Those players always had to play the same roles and were never either allowed, or encouraged, to improvise and ad lib! The mother had her three roles depending on what stage of the play they were at on that day. Rapunzel, Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty but at no time was she required to be herself!

The same scene played each and every day because the director of this tragedy was a narcissistic male who knew no other script and was aided and abetted by a female who herself as a victim of narcissism, knew no other script either! Not so this female, I am INFJ type and I will never be short on ideas as to how to live my life well and happily.

Trying to wrest the current script from my partner´s hand and relieve him of directorship is my current goal and begin adjudicating the roles and the plot too. This is what is all-consuming me right now in time. I have made a clear decision, I can see clearly how I need to move, I know it will be fatiguing but even so, I fall victim to despair often and when I cannot communicate with someone somewhere, all the negatives begin to build up inside again and the mental weight seems to increase anew!

Pressure, I need always to offload pressure but the pressure is exerted by both my external forces, my partner, family and known folk, as well as by my internal forces, which are working so very hard to banish the negatives from my mind first and foremost.

I am almost one month into my new phase of life with my partner now retired and so, being in my space 24 hours a day and wanting my attention pretty well all of the waking hours of it too. Herein the new challenge that I face in my fight to win back the domination of my own status quo and be free of his psychological control once and for all.

This last week I have FELT that I was losing ground, being swallowed up in spite of my very clear intentions. I know it will not be easy, I know. But things are moving, he can detect that he has lost my love and my will to care for him as such. I have not stopped loving him but I am witholding at all times my love and affection towards him, unless he has behaved like a normal human being. Sad but true, it is like training a dog, except that with a dog they want to have a reciprocally beneficial relationship, within which love and affection are top of their list!

That is one of the reasons that INFJ types like myself, do get on so well with dogs and all other animals, we understand and desire always, reciprocity! Narcissists understand very well the concept of reciprocity. You do something good for me and I will do something good for you. That maybe does not sound too unusual but with a narcissist there is always a conditionality to this good act.

The next part is, if you do not do this good thing for me, then I will have to punish you by doing something really bad for you, that you will suffer from! Now does that sound normal balanced thinking and reasoning, NO, of course it does not? But it is how a narcissist lives their whole life. Sadly though, with all the good things that they are obliged to do for MAN-KIND to keep up their image of MR. NICE GUY of a day and get very little thanks, appreciation or money for in return for that, who gets all that accumulated anger and sense of under-achieving!

You the partner of course, because if it was not for you and all that you cost him, he would be able to walk away from this miserable life and make a better one without you dragging him down. He can see his own impotency and his own disablity to send these other males to high hell as he is totally dependent on maintaining his image. His is play acting all day in reality.

He cannot keep up the effort any longer and he gets in the door and bang!!!!! Here comes the hissing, spitting, venomous toad, WATCH OUT!!!! I have been a week without any venomous strikes, I am quick to see the eyes begin to narrow and focus piercingly at mine, almost as though he tries to protect his own eyes from my wide-eyed, full-on, straight back into yours, penetrating glare that is radiating so powerfully from mine.

I stop him in his tracks and as such, he has seen a flashing warning light and well, he has washed up the dishes all weekend. I have had breakfast made for me twice. He has been so easy going and how I believe, he should be per force, as a normal human being and that always allows me to FEEL warmer towards him. That though, is the ploy.

We have been going out for walks locally together to stretch the legs and get some fresh air and he has surprised me by bringing back to mind some pictures of the past. Holding hands yesterday evening, watching the sun going down and a beautiful full moon shining on the calm evening Mediterranean Sea, he said that he FELT as though we were on a honeymoon like we were when we first arrived here and it was all new. I allowed him to indulge briefly before getting back to reality!

The fact that he was off travelling to Barcelona the next day and needed to get a good night´s sleep! Once again, I had been very surprised that I had been able to talk him into going by himself. I had hit where all narcissists hurt, the pocket, spending money on you (me) unnecessarily. Yes, he could save himself a fair bit of money if he went by himself! Money that, as he will keep telling me, we do not have!

So it is, that in spite of him leaving at 10.30 this morning, it took me until 6pm, to find my way back to the keyboard! He has touched down although his flight was delayed by an hour and a quarter. So, I and he, have really just this evening, two whole days and on Saturday, by midday, he will be back. All the best laid plans, as we often comment!

Seven and a half hours of talking out loud and rambling down all paths unreal and real, to find myself ready to pick up my thread again. I thank you ALL for reading and please do FEEL welcome to comment or make communication. There is a comment box below the post, there is a contact box in the right-hand panel and a follow button just below, so come on, let me hear your voices!

Pages three and four are my next task and from there it will be full steam ahead with book two!

A very good evening to you ALL and happy learning!

More INFJ reading can be found listed here: https://lifestyle.feedspot.com/infj_blogs