BACK TO ME, I MATTER TOO, DON´T I?

THE ANSWER TO THAT IS OPEN TO QUESTION OR SO IT WOULD SEEM TO ME! Post No.11/IN  (A 10 minute read) 

Moving on into chapter seven entitled BACK TO ME. Well, yes, maybe I could do well by starting to think a whole lot more of myself and my long-term well being. It seemed to me that no one else was so, this seemed like just the right time to start.

THE SUNSETS ON MY LATEST TODAY!

We had recently passed the two year anniversary of the COVID-19 virus and its arrival within our daily midst. The original virus had by now, mutated many times and the most transmissible variant as yet, OMICRON, was seeing the whole world with the highest levels of infection thus far into this nightmare pandemic.

All of this solitary time I spent mulling over my future and what I could even want it to be now at my age. I had been through all of my years lived in my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN and here I was once more, with many other thoughts still to off load. "I am a writer", I said to myself. Yes, that is going to be a major part of my future!

Here are links to my first book for you: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book and ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback

I quote myself from this chapter:

It has been very difficult to actually acknowledge my invisible status. It gives me a FEEL of a female writer of centuries gone by. Writing in secret of thoughts and FEELINGS which were absolutely taboo at the time. Unable to put her own name to her work because of course, writing was purely a male occupation; women could not write or think!!!

But acceptance is everything. If you resist your very existence, maybe unhappiness is inevitable. So, I have to accept my truth, which I can see has not changed fundamentally since my youth! I am an `outlaw´ and I will stay an `outlaw´! That means accepting the tag of `outcast´! I used to be proud to be me, the `outlaw´ and `outcast´! What that said to me was, that I was capable of thinking for myself and would not therefore, readily accept man-kind´s foolish strategies of living!

Ethnic tribes and `last gangs in town´, ALL OF US; but I no longer have a tribe to belong to. I am ostracized. I have tried to establish contact with my birth tribe but no, I cannot spend my time with foolish small talk and superficial lies. I cannot live my life around fickle me, myself, I´s!

I have to accept that until I can get my back pack loaded and get moving on from where I am, isolation is the name of the game! There will be a future for me, there will! So, how to use the time between yesterday and tomorrow is the question? Everything I do must have a clear purpose and that purpose is TOMORROW. End of quote.

That is where I am right now in time, between yesterday and tomorrow. Not knowing yet when my tomorrow will be mine to determine! For now I am biding time and trying to do something positive with the little time that I now have available to me! My wavelengths are being pirated almost twenty-four hours a day now and that for an INFJ type is HELL.

Continuing with chapter seven and I begin to build visions of my future and how I would like to FEEL. Having had some experience of nomadic peoples and their style of living, I am exploring the idea of nomadic living myself in times to come. As the years go by, I find myself with ever less in every sense! But I also see that so much of what has been lost, really is immaterial to me.

Nomadic peoples have very few possessions and that is where I FEEL my affinity with them. I am in my visions, packing up my current home and seeing what I would need to take with me and all that could be left behind. My music collection, that could not be left behind but I could reduce the volume somewhat by getting it all onto an MP3 device or i-pod. No, for now at least, my musical troubadours are my faithful companions and I foresee them continuing to be so.

The worrying issue of the population´s mental health had finally come under the spotlight and it was revealed just how many people were struggling and had struggled psychologically speaking, with these last two years of living with a deadly virus and the growing pressures from social network connections to be something that you are quite likely not!

The suicide rates amongst teenagers is indeed very alarming. I find it incomprehensible to imagine a child wanting to die because of the horrendous and terrible bullying that is being metered out in their schools. The levels of violence and aggression are tragically increasing by the day. We even have now, young girls involved in very violent acts against their fellow female class mates. Total de-generation of the human society!

All those of us who have considered taking their own lives, will have tried at some point in time, to communicate our misery to another person. That other person will have brushed aside our concerns and our unhappiness and told us to "TOUGHEN UP!" We do try. We beg for help, we do! But it seems that few have the capacity to FEEL beyond their own selves. They have no empathy in their souls!

They cannot FEEL what you can FEEL and so, your problem is not an issue that they can comprehend, as such, they do not know how to treat you. No natural empathy, that is the problem that all sensitive, caring people, young and old, have to suffer. It is empathy that marks the evolved human being from the ancient primitive homo erectus!

CARING was becoming a common trait, we were becoming better people. We were evolving and learning to communicate ever better with each other. We were learning to settle our differences in peaceful ways! Not all came on board with the human evolution and however man-kind may doctor his truths, I can see him for what he really is.

He does not think that any could cope with his real truth! Well, as caring human beings, we would be absolutely horrified and sickened by his truths, would we not? Hence the cover-up style of man-made leadership. Do not let anyone know the truth of what we get up to! They write their own story do they not? We now call the business of changing up text and removing this and that, as editing. 

Doctoring, I prefer to call it! And yes, you can bet that they are holders of University Doctorates? Trained doctors/editors, who can apply the surgical removal of all that is ugly, with great disgression and precision. The unwanted tissues are then incinerated and hey, they did not ever exist, did they? Man-kind will destroy all of his ugly truths if we continue to let him and man-kind will destroy all that is good and worthy of existing too, if we let him!

Hitting another bout of depression, I reach for my musical therapy and allow myself to be levitated and taken away from my here and now for a good few hours. On coming back down to here and now, TING, there it was! Oh, NO! How could I have made a mistake like that?

My first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN! And yes, there was a time lapse factor that I knew somewhere I was out of synch because there was a space of time that I could not account for. I had it now! My favourite troubadour!! I had been waxing so lyrical in my chapter 26 entitled, STRUCTURED RAMBLINGS, about a Dire Straits gig that I went to and wow!!! It was those dates that I messed up on!

S**t!! I could have unpublished the book and gone back over a few of my chapters and corrected myself. UUUHM! Is that not what editing is about? Correcting errors? Maybe in the correct sense but would this not be doctoring my truth? My truth at the time of writing? Because that is what I could see. I was writing my memoires with no references around me other than my own memories.

I am talking of something that was to me then and still is, a very special memory. And I got the year wrong! But I knew something was out of synch and there it was! This is all because of my birth date coming right at the end of a calendar year. I am my real age for just a few days before the turn of the new year sees me automatically become the next age, which I will not be until the very end of the year.

Anyone who has read a number of my posts may remember me mentioning my first contact Ms. C. Well, she has the same issue and is the first person that I know who does trip herself up age wise with frequency. Both of us have repeated ages!!!!! And both of us have been older than we are always!!!

No, I was going to accept my memory as it had been at the time of writing. I was not ashamed to admit that I had made a mistake. I am not perfect and do not strive to be anyone´s interpretation of perfect either! It was precisely the intention that I had initially, that led me to write my memoires. I was being consumed by narcissistic venom! I was becoming mentally impaired! I was losing my ability to use my own mind at my own command!

As you see though, less than six months later, laying with eyes closed on the sofa, listening to Mark Knopfler, there it was, "No, I was seventeen not eighteen, I still had another five months left of being a seventeen year old!!" And so, here in this chapter I correct myself and put those pieces of my picture now, very firmly in their rightful place in time on my memory shelves.

I thank you for reading today and remind you that Pages One to Four in the left-hand panel are where you can find the links to all of my previously published posts relating to my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN. I am on my second book now though, ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT and next post I will be looking at human rights. If you would like to be notified of my new posts, click the follow button in the right-hand panel and send me your e-mail. Why not drop a comment in the space below, I would love to hear from you.

Until next time, happy learning! Update 26/08/2023, my second book is now available to read, these are the links: ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT e-book and ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT Paperback

Other INFJ blogs can be found here: https://lifestyle.feedspot.com/infj_blogs