WE ALL NEED APPROVAL AND APPRAISAL FOR THE POSITIVE THINGS WE DO, WHY DO WE NOT GET ANY FROM WHERE WE MOST NEED IT? POST NO.4/TT (A 10 minute read)
Having let one of my two small spaces of freedom evaporate yesterday into a largely non-productive space, creatively speaking I mean, work wise I mean; today´s small space must be better used. That is not to say that my small space of freedom yesterday was mis-used, no, not at all!
I spent time on YouTube listening to a very competent Narcissist Abuse Victim Therapist. He, like I, have suffered as of day one in our lives, from a narcissitic mother. That may come as a surprise to those of you who have read my first page full of posts, the On The Outside Looking In Posts 1-16. Because I speak so favourably of my mother always.
When you are born surrounded by narcissistic behaviour, you do not know it as such. You know the FEELINGS that you are FEELING, you know you are FEELING like this and you cannot understand why your mother is making you FEEL like this. But all narcissitic behaviour is cyclical and of course, they calm down and you pick yourself up and carry on!
Until the next round of unhappy FEELINGS are given to you. What are these FEELINGS? Why and where do they derive from? Why does your mother systematically cause you psychological pain? Sadly, somewhere in my mother´s life, she has suffered from REJECTION and she has suffered from lack of APPROVAL!
My mother has always been as a closed book about her life before we her children and husband came into it! We would ask and ask question after question, but she would never answer with what I would consider normal, straightforward answers. Why could she not talk about her life and childhood? Why did she not want to share her whole life with her children who so wanted to know everything about their beautiful mother!
I was born in the same part of my village as my mother´s grandmother but I never knew that! I found that out by doing some research on my ancestry. This lady, my great-grandmother, died just a few months after I was born. So she knew my elder sister and I, meaning that my mother had known her for twenty-five years. Did her grandmother never tell her that she was born in the same village where my mother was now living and where I was born?
It was more of the same with our father. We would ask questions of him about his childhood and family. He always said, "It was a long time ago now and there was much pain!" We would see and FEEL our father´s sadness and so not push any further. It was not a long time before we were born that his parents both passed away. No, it was still very recent, still very painful!
Our father was able to reciprocate our female affection towards him with his very own blend of tender, caring, guiding, love and affection towards us. I ever FELT that my relationships with my father and my elder sister were completely reciprocal and totally unconditional. We could both of us as children, put our FEELINGS into words very well.
We were communicators and I as INFJ type, well, try asking me to hide my FEELINGS, that´s where I have trouble because I do not want to have to wear a false mask and be pretending to be in a different state of mind and body to that which I am currently in!
My father and elder sister were my pick-up people. If my father was not at home and my mother had upset me for whatever reason, it would be my elder sister who would come after me and comfort me through that turbulent surge of painful emotions that had been caused once again by my mother, either because she had REJECTED me or had been DISAPPROVING of me.
Any who are reading my words with great attention will all know that my mother is just 5% off being an INFJ type herself! I am so like her and proud of those characteristics, I really am. As she herself said to me, "You have all of my best qualites (she being ISFJ-A) and all of your father´s (he being ENFJ-A), best qualities!" She also went on to say that my elder sister (she being ESFJ-A), had the worst of them both!
It was always my elder sister in later life who continued as an adult, to long for our mother´s affection and her APPROVAL, but she could never have either. She did have that affection and APPROVAL all through our childhood, it was in her teens that she and my mother really showed the worst of their shared personality traits.
I as of starting primary school, seemed to have been moved into a different zone. I was a clever child but a very determined child and would never follow instructions that I was not in agreement of. Yes, an INFJ type is born not bred. It is the ASSERTIVE or TURBULENT addition to the INFJ that is bred and mine has always been longing to step fully into the ASSERTIVE once and for all and stay there!
As a clever child, I did receive much APPROVAL at primary school, I did! I won many awards for reading, hand-writing, story-writing and sporting achievements but none of those impressed my mother. I had my number one fan though who was my father and number two was my elder sister. So, I learned very early on to live without my mother´s APPROVAL of me or anything that I did or said!
You will see though as you read, that I sent her my first book over two years ago now and she still has not said anything about it. Once again, just like my late elder sister, I had got my hopes up that maybe this time, I could receive some APPROVAL from her, but no. More wishful thinking and that is what makes a child TURBULENT.
School achievements can bring you much APPROVAL from your peers and elders. I certainly had my fair share and was not wanting at all. Possibly the opposite in truth, getting a little bit embarrassed at once again winning that award. Typical INFJ, you can only deal with so much APPROVAL because that APPROVAL is not coming from where you NEED it to!
So, it is not filling the NEED that you have, only temporarily and only superficially. Once we leave our education behind and move into the working world, we can have varying levels of APPROVAL ratings depending on how well we are doing our work and good ratings at work certainly do us much good.
But then do we not want to receive APPROVAL from our nearest and dearest for our achievements too? Is that an unreasonable request? That is what I have not understood fully about the narcissist and that is where the INFJ and the narcissist clearly deviate from one another, though we suffer from the same psychological trauma!
It is known as ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER but I would change that first A to APPROVAL because it is our deficit of APPROVAL from those who we really value that we need. We value them and so why can they not value us? That is what as INFJ´s we can never understand. I know for me, that it was my mother´s APPROVAL that I so needed to have because I had much from everyone else, why not my mother?
This is cyclical pattern behaviour, I am sad to say! My mother lacked that APPROVAL from whoever she needed to receive it from in her younger years and she then perceived my father´s lack of APPROVAL in her married years. She had our vehement APPROVAL of so much that she did. She made the most exquisite clothes for our dolls.
Our dolls had their own beds, made by our father and our mother made the bed sheets and pillows. Our dolls had slippers, night caps and nightgowns. Our dolls had pretty, tiny handkerchiefs in their little pockets in their dresses. And well, how like to our very own dresses were our doll´s dresses. As girls, we had unique dresses. OUR MUM made ours!
She was a very clever seamstress indeed. We were always admired for our beautiful dresses. Externally, we were a reflection of our mother´s dedicated motherhood. We gave so much thanks and gratitude to her always, our APPROVAL was enormous but it was not our APPROVAL that she needed, so, whose did she need at that time? My father´s I think!
A person with ADD is a sad individual and I know that it is impossible to get close to a narcissist. I have never been able to get my mother to say anything that she finds uncomfortable personally. They won´t allow you to ever be able to love them even though we absolutely adored them when we met. We thought that we had found the ideal partners, my father and I.
But if one is pretending to be your reflection, they will seem like your perfect partner. Why then, when showered with so much love and APPROVAL, have they got to strike back at those who are wanting to love them and accept them as they are! It is all about TRUST and ADMISSION of your truth. I have TRUSTED Ms. C and I have ADMITTED to myself and to her, what are my truths.
Once you open that store of truths and really get stuck in to placing all the pieces where they now need to be, you may find as I, that once you move one piece, a whole load of others will cascade down to fill its place. One truth leads to another and the truth of APPROVAL DEFICIT DISORDER, is that everything is as a chain.
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| LIFE CAN BE A PRETTY PICTURE IF YOU HAVE ALL THE RIGHT PIECES! |
For one reason only and that being that they DO APPROVE of what I am doing and saying. If they do not APPROVE, that is their right, I have no problem with that. This is the reason that social networks have become the life-line that none of us have physically. We all NEED APPROVAL but from someone in particular and we are not getting their APPROVAL.
I had hoped that I would finally be able to have my partner´s APPROVAL on writing and publishing a book, he being a permanent book reader. What I still had not learned about the narcissist is that, whatever you do, you will never win their APPROVAL. They are driven twenty-four hours a day to finding APPROVAL from those who they value in some way!
He does not NEED my APPROVAL. My mother did not NEED my APPROVAL. So, I cannot make up for their deficiency because they do not value my opinion, I am meaningless in their minds. They have someone whose APPROVAL they did NEED and never got it. Everyone else is just a temporary substitute to prevent them from coming apart!
Which is what the unbalanced psyches like the NARCISSISTS and the INFJ-T´s do when they have achieved whatever and no one has shown them any form of APPRAISAL. I know that for lack of APPRAISAL, I did many foolish things. They were pre-meditated foolish things because as a child INFJ, I would think well, obviously I am doing something wrong somewhere, so I will try another tack and see what reaction I get from that.
Pre-meditatingly trying to provoke some positive reactions from my mother towards me but of course, all I achieved was upsetting my father and elder sister and causing my mother to push me further away. Another major difference in the Narcissist and INFJ behaviours. I longed for my mother´s APPROVAL but my main parent was always my father.
Therefore, with his wisdom applied, the foolish behaviour was seen to be completely unrewarding all round. This is because I so valued HIS APPROVAL of me and as his was consistent with actual achievements and positive actions committed, it became my absolute foundation of strength. I could cope without my mother´s APPROVAL.
My partner clearly longed for his father´s APPROVAL and never got it. His mother though, played the part of my father. She was the picker-up and the soother, trying to cleanse her child of her narcissistic husbands toxic abuse towards them. Always trying to neutralize the venomous stings being verbally thrown at them for their short-comings and their deficiencies.
Never GOOD ENOUGH to receive their APPROVAL. Like we need the APPROVAL of a NARCISSIST. The sad fact is that both my mother and my partner, I have no doubt at all, could have been brilliant people had they been born to different parents and had support and opportunities to grow in a psychologically healthy home environment.
I share nothing with him other than a living space. I no longer wait for his APPROVAL because it will never be coming my way. But that has freed me up in reality. I have stopped doing everything in a conditioned way trying to ensure that he does not DISAPPROVE. That has taken a burden off me, it really has! I no longer CARE what he thinks of me.
When you share you life and living space with your own worst enemy and your close family are emotionally unresponsive, where then do we look for our APPROVAL and APPRAISAL of what we do and achieve. Who do we NEED to APPROVE us and our work? Whose opinion could be of value to you and so, through their APPROVAL, you would be given that confidence booster which is, after all, that which you are lacking!
Self-confidence is what both the Narcissist and the INFJ are lacking. That is because of our long-life deficit of sincere APPRAISAL and APPROVAL from those who we value most. It has been these people who have caused us to suffer permanently from self-doubt and never have full confidence because they will always find some way to critizise what you have done!
It is done out of envy, full stop! "I am not going to give you the APPRAISAL that you both deserve and so NEED, because NO ONE ever gave me any APPRAISAL when I NEEDED it or when I deserved it! No, even though you are my child, I am going to make you suffer just as I did, so you can know what it is like to have a narcissistic parent!"
The cycles of NARCISSISTIC behaviour have to be broken. I was always giving APPROVAL and APPRAISAL to my Puppy. I could see how beneficial it was to building his confidence and self-belief and no way was I going to make him suffer as I had done, NO WAY!
What consistent giving of APPROVAL and APPRAISAL, when deserved, does in effect do, is clearly differentiate for a child, what are those actions that meet with positive reactions and those that fall into negative territory. That is what the NARCISSIST does not have; BALANCE!!!!
They become their own JUDGES just like the INFJUDGE does. The INFJ though, does set such high standards for themselves unlike the Narcissist whose scope is always very shallow. They lack totally any aspirations beyond that which they HAVE known. They cannot see any other way to live than to replicate the lives of their own Narcissistic parent in adulthood.
The INFJ on the other hand, is always aspiring to find a better psychological place to be. Always aspiring to find that so desired status of STATUS QUO. How to find that point of `Status Quo´ when surrounded by others who are in denial of their unhappy balance of emotions? Therein my task, my friends!
I no longer wait for APPROVAL or APPRAISAL, if some should ever come my way, I will surely be very grateful for it. I believe that we must learn to self-evaluate ourselves in a better way. We ourselves, must be our own pick-up person. When you have none to pick you up, if you do not do it yourself, you will stay down!
That is the sad truth! The Narcissist denies that they have any psychological issues, therein their biggest problem. You cannot help a person who is in denial of their own sickness and their own need for help. The INFJ knows clearly that they have psychological and emotional issues. My reaction though, is to dig deep and find where those issues root!
Are we not our own plant, once severed from our mother plant? Do we not become our own branch of our family tree? Or are you voluntarily out on a limb or have you been severed from your family tree? But maybe you severed yourself from your family´s tree because you did not like how that tree reflected upon you?
I can see that my Narcissist mother and my Narcissist partner, both fell into the latter, they severed their branch from their family tree until they had found a partner who had enabled them to begin to rise in standing. They had found a partner far better than they themselves and this partner was going to see them come good!
Then all of a sudden, the ties are re-established with the family tree but the severed branch is never again fused back onto the family tree. It is a superficial contact only. Trying to emulate your partner and their desire to come back into their family´s fold, as I was doing myself.
I had been voluntarily out on a limb since my father´s death. Seven years of being estranged had passed and I knew that I NEEDED to rebuild that bond with my family tree and that was an ongoing process which as witnessed by him, he sought to do the same with his family.
But his father was still very much alive and spitting as well as kicking. His envy at seeing his son seemingly very happy and doing well workwise, manifested itself as very ugly insults towards me and my Puppy, as well as some truly ugly words directed to my partner. His mother would have tears rolling down her cheeks and apologize to me for her husband´s disgraceful behaviour.
His father never apologized just as my mother never apologized, anymore than my partner has ever apologized. Why should they? They are entitled to dish out the same filth to you as others have to them. Tit for tat! None of these people should have been parents!
I am always living in the hopes that I will find some soul-mates out there in the world. I know from my INFJ-T life lived so far, that there is a lot of depth to me and I make no apologies for that. It is the life-long task of the INFJ, to learn as much as they can and so better understand themselves and all that exists around them.
The 360º vision, not tunnel vision. Long, long, long-sighted, not short-sighted. So, so, so, very deep, not shallow! Well, if last month had been my most positive month to date of blogging, that being my ninth month, this month, my tenth month, has got off to a flying start. For the first time I had more than 100 views in a day, 132 to be exact.
To say that I was overjoyed, would be an understatement and when the following day I had another 100 day, 133 to be exact, I really did get a FEEL that maybe, just maybe, I might hear a voice from someone, somewhere, soon!
Of the 990 views that I have had in the last 30 days, no less than 894 have come from Singapore. My most sincere thanks to you all for having a good look around my blog and I say once again, I would love to hear some voices. I would love to have some reciprocal exchanges with other interesting people. That is my intention with this blog.
Thank you for reading today and have yourselves a day full of living, working, breathing and much learning! Until the next post.
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