DID YOUR PARENTS ASPIRE FOR YOUR FUTURE?

IF THE FATHER IS NARCISSIST, IS IT INEVITABLE THAT HIS SONS WILL BE TOO? POST NO.2/N (A 10 minute read) 

I could wish that the answer to that question was a rotund NO! But I think I would be deluding myself and you, my readers, were I to pretend that the NARCISSISTIC father of a household was not the dictator of all who had the misfortune to be born under his roof; under his cloak of protection!

Let us not forget even for a tiny moment the fact that two-thirds of all the women killed in this world, are killed at home by their male partner or a male member of their family. The reality of this NARCISSISTIC world that we live in, is that we NEED protection from our PROTECTOR!

Yes, I could feasibly imagine that many young men could wish to behave very differently to their father´s and I am sure that there will be many fully independent males who have escaped their father´s dictatorial tutorship and will never look back again!

Those will be a minority though. I will put it in capital letters lest you missed the crucial word in the last paragraph. INDEPENDENCE. INDEPENDENCE is the only path that can lead you well away from your NARCISSISTIC abusers.

Of course, much of our systematic NARCISSISM is built around inferiority complexes. Low birth, low achievements, low levels of education and knowledge. Little people all wanting to be bigger people but without the means to rise from their lowliness. An eternal cycle that seems unbreakable in our modern 21st century world.

SCENARIO NO.2: THOSE LIVING WITH A NARCISSIST FATHER!

This was my NARCISSISTIC partner´s sad lot in life. Yes, his father was a hideous covert NARCISSIST in his younger years but became absolutely incapable of keeping up his facade in his middle-age years and revealed himself as a thoroughly despicable excuse for a human male.

My partner follows suit. There are those who have seen the real him at times and they are the people who will make a point of trying to keep their distance from him at all times. But there are many, many more, who really have no idea that they are chatting to a full-blown NARCISSIST.

HOW DO BOYS SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF A NARCISSIST FATHER?

So, where do the differences lie between the suffering caused in infancy and childhood to a child by their NARCISSISTIC mother or father.

As I explained in the first post of the series, we all as children, naturally believe in an automatic bonding with our mother´s. In reality though, you can only bond with a mother who wants to bond with you. As my own mother has shown me, mother´s can make a conscious decision to not love you and not meet any of your emotional needs.

Those are acts of revenge. They are avenging themselves by treating their children in the way that they themselves were treated by a parent. They are making you know how they FELT as children. They are continuing the cycle of psychological, emotional and physical abuse, but now they are the adults in charge!

It is their turn now to be master and dictate to others. The differences are noticeable by the atmosphere in the home environment. When our father was out, my mother was master and she was a nasty master at times. We longed for our father to come home each day and I would make him promise that he would never leave me behind with my mother if he had to leave!

The opposite scenario for my partner with the NARCISSIST father. It was when he was NOT there that they could relax and FEEL at home. The master sadly; would keep coming back. He was the bread-winner! ALL had to be grateful to their master for his efforts that day to bring bread to them!!

But oh, how that atmosphere would change as soon as the master walked through the door. Everyone on guard! All on full- alert! The DEVIL was back and full of toxic poison. Who would get struck first? Everyone trying not to be the one to pull his trigger!

Having spent the whole day doing the bidding of his work-master, his sense of inferiority and lowliness, coupled with the strain of trying to act the part of a normal man, are now all but crippling him. He is overflowing with pent-up venom. He hates himself, he hates his life but at the same time has no belief that he can be anything else! 

What, with the upbringing and lack of opportunities that he was given? How could he be anything else? He had not been given the guidance to be anything else! Unlike my father who was driven I should honestly say, as opposed to guided. My father actually wanted to be a steam-train driver just like his father.

But his father was choking all day on the coal fumes; blackened from head to foot by toxic coal dust (soot)! His job was killing him slowly and he knew it. HIS son was not going to have to soil his hands, risk his health, be scivvy to others and all of that for very little reward, OH, NO! 

WE MUST BREAK THROUGH THE GENERATIONAL CYCLES OF NARCISSISM?

Breaking the cycles takes a bold person like my father, who will be able to grow with their education and begin to aspire for themselves, even as their parents are aspiring for them. A person who wants to live in a much better way and be able to make their own choices and decisions.

This is what INDEPENDENCE comes down to in reality! Are you able to make your own decisions according to your liking or are you always conditioned by a lack of something? A lack of money, or a lack of knowledge, being two of our greatest hurdles and if we add to that the lack of support from your close family, well, it will be hard to break away from that lowly beginning; it will!

Inferiority complexes and aspirations. All males aspire to be more than they are and without doubt, they could ALL be much better than they are. If you have had a male NARCISSIST as your father though, the word aspire does not ever enter into your vocabulary.

The father will do his very best to destroy his sons´ confidence in themselves. Their efforts will never be good enough. He actively seeks to keep them on his level. He will not let them believe that they could do better than their father. He will not let them aspire to having a much better standard of life than the one that he has afforded them. 

WHAT A POIGNANT QUESTION AND HOW WOULD YOU ANSWER IT? Photo by Finn on Unsplash.

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON!

My partner was one of four sons. Not one of them had a toy or book ever! They all had to do odd jobs to supplement the miserable income of their NARCISSIST father. They were, together with their mother, who also had to be out slaving; his accessories. They earned their bread and most of their father´s money could go on alcohol, tobacco and gambling!

Hideous male monsters parading as adult males, workers, husbands and fathers! But using everyone and everything purely for their own benefit. That is one of the main underlying traits of NARCISSISTS; their sense of self! They are ONE AND ONLYs! They are their own self-made gods! They can do no wrong!

But for some strange reason; no one has given them any help ever. Therein that ugly trait that is their sense of ENTITLEMENT. Because no one has ever been kind to them; they will never be kind to anyone either. Unless they can see a benefit to themselves. GROOMING; the life strategy of the inferior being that is a male NARCISSIST.

No reciprocal GROOMING takes place at home though. Oh, no! The wife and kids are HIS tools, HIS kicking posts, HIS toxic receptors! And these sorely under-educated boys just long to get away from that prison which is their home and that persecutor who is their biological father. 

Sadly though, all those little, immature boys who walk out of their family homes at 16 years of age, do so to prove themselves. They do so to prove to their father that they do NOT NEED him and as such, will not take any more of his abuse.

Just like the daughters affected by NARCISSISTIC mothers, they leave to prove that they do not NEED their mother´s support. It is a direct snub! I have turned 16, I can legally walk away from you and be INDEPENDENT of you. And what is more, "I hope you rot in your own HELL; you won´t be seeing me again!"

KIDULTS; UNDER-DEVELOPED CHILDREN LIVING IN ADULT BODIES!

KIDULTS, would be an apt terminology for these injured child victims of NARCISSISTIC parents. Though they may all find their financial INDEPENDENCE from their NARCISSISTIC parent/s, what they also lose is the unconditional support of the positive parent; that one who did give their APPROVAL and APPRAISAL.

Step up the substitutes for those good, positive parents that we become estranged from because of our desperate need to become detached from the control of our NARCISSISTIC parent. My partner and his three brother´s all went out to work at 14 years of age. They had all left home by 17 years of age and all four of them were married by 21 years of age.

Not one of them could ever be considered an INDEPENDENT male who could be a good husband/partner or a good father and depending on what they stood to gain in the working sense, neither could they be considered reliable workers either.

All four were looking for a substitute for their mother. All four wanted a woman who would absorb their NARCISSISTIC shit, born from all of their insecurities, which are born from their own awareness of their deficiencies and shortcomings. All four were looking for a woman who came from a better background for themselves who could lift them into a better standard of living.

These were four male parasites, who quickly impregnated their new wives to consolidate their position within the wives´ families. They adopted their wives´ families as their own. They were in denial of their own reality. Trying to live permanently as the proverbial Prince Charming when they had been given no teaching as to what Prince Charmings are all about.

All four of these marriages ended in divorce prior to me knowing my partner. I now know that it was the systematic abuse that these four women received from these four sons, that led to the divorces. They did well and are all happy in their lives now. Yes, the children have all benefitted from NOT having that example of NARCISSISM in their own homes.

So, as you can see in this introduction to my new series of posts on recognizing NARCISSISM, even those children who live with two parents, in an apparently normal, stable environment, do become victims of NARCISSISM. It ALL depends on your parents and the treatment that they received from their own parents in their childhood.

This is cyclical behaviour and all bad cycles take a lot to break down. But what about those who find themselves without their biological parents? Maybe we could see these vulnerable children as prime candidates for NARCISSISTIC abuse and I will look at that scenario in the next post.

Do come back and join me for that, won´t you? Sign up and follow this new series if you wish; the follow box is in the right-hand panel. Or why not drop me a comment in the box underneath the post?