NARCISSISTIC GUILT-TRIPS AND PRESSURE!

REMEMBERING BACK TO A CHRISTMAS MANY YEARS AGO; THIRTY-THREE YEARS ON AND I AM SHARING THIS CHRISTMAS WITH ANOTHER NARCISSIST! POST NO.11/N (A 10 minute read)

I can hear the opening line of the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl´s incredible song titled "A FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK" in my head. "It was Christmas Eve, babe......" A song which tells a sad story of narcissism, shared dreams that were conflicting. But why were they conflicting if the relationship had started by mutual consent?

HE had his vision of you fitting into his SCHEMES; not DREAMS! SHE had a vision of building her DREAMS and HIS DREAMS and fusing them together! They were with crossed purposes from the outset sadly! SHE was speaking with sincerity but HE was not. HE apparently shared HER dreams, weren´t HIS dreams were the same as HER´S.

That is why he seemed like the perfect partner! That is why you seemed to be so intune! That is why you could see a path towards your chosen future with this male! But HE was playing the part of your ideal dream partner! He knew full well at every moment, that he did not want to share in your dream but he could see how he could manipulate you.

"I´ve  built my dreams around you!" HE sings in the song! YES!!! Sadly, HE did build HIS dreams around HER but not in the way SHE had hoped, of course. My favourite line is this one sung by the late Kirsty MacColl, "Happy Christmas my arse, I pray god it´s our last!" This song has long had meaning to me and I FEEL the losses of the female in the lyrics.

You can hear the bitterness of HIM and HER. HE is still blaming and re-framing like the typical narcissist. SHE just wants out once and for all and to finally move on and away from this narcissist who has brought her so low down as to almost be out of the count!

MY SUNDOWN ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

I AM BUILDING A DREAM; I NEED SOMEONE TO FILL A ROLE!

Getting back to my NARCISSIST boyfriend no.2 and well, having had a close encounter with a male narcissist before, there are many alarm bells clanging; I can assure you. I was trying quite hard to keep this one at a distance. I was trying hard to set my boundaries. "No. I am not coming out tonight! I am tired and want an early night!"

It was mid-week and I had to be up early for work. He was unemployed and so had nowhere in particular to go or anything of any importance to do. Hence their full-on attention towards you, they literally have nothing better to do. You become their focal point and they focus entirely on you; at this early stage.

I FELT that as pressuring and I did not like it at all. My guy of two and a half years was never like that, nor was I with him. If he had something else lined up that did not involve me; GREAT! That was no problem for me! I could accept that! I did not mind him having contact with his family and friends beyond me!

Neither did he expect me to drop everything and everyone for him. That is why it was such a good relationship! We both had a life before we met and we did not have to renounce that life because we had entered into a sentimental relationship. Not at all. We introduced each other to all that was of major importance to us personally and we embraced also those people of importance to our beloved partner.

The narcissist does not have friends and as a rule, neither do they wish to have contact with their family. This second narcissist did not have a family beyond one brother who I met actually this day thirty-three years ago. That makes for a very solitary type of person, the lone wolf character, always on the prowl, always looking for opportunities.

Pressurizing is a NARCISSISTIC action. You have made a request/suggestion/proposal and the other person has said, "NO!" So, the question is put to you again but this time around, it FEELS less like a suggestion. You say "NO!" again and give your reasons for saying no. Once more comes the request, now laid out in a different format. "NO!" you say again.

The NARCISSIST does not take "NO" for an answer. They will keep whittling away at your resolve until you say "YES". That is why we need to have strong boundaries as human beings if we want to avoid NARCISSISTS. We must understand that this is not PASSION, this is not a burning DESIRE to be with you, yourself!

HE is an opportunist and has got a whiff of you! So, he is now prodding, jabbing, manipulating, coercing, cajoling, provoking and even threatening you. He is in effect INTIMIDATING you, making you afraid to stand your ground and say "NO" to that which you do not want.

NARCISSISTIC tactics on display for you. A decent human male would understand that you were working and had an early start, he would not have been so persistent and pushy because he would likely be in a similar situation. "YES! Friday evening would be great!" Even though that is four nights away.

That decent male and I, could have very easily got through those four nights apart. We had other people and dogs within our lives. We had other relationships that were important to us and we wanted to be able to give time to those as well. We did not need to live in each other´s pockets. We needed to have our own space for our separate lives as well as our shared time together.

An ideal relationship is one that has two independent adult people in it who can accept the other person´s private space. But if as individual person, you are totally solitary and longing for an INTIMATE (not intimacy, I will add), you are going to need all of a person´s time to fill all of your inner emptiness and of course, be fed with the positivity that a human being could bring your way.

You would also need to off-load all of your daily supply of toxic venom! Hence the need for the INTIMATE. Just as a witch/wizard has their toads/cats/rats as their INTIMATES, so does the NARCISSIST need an INTIMATE. So close that they cannot get away, surviving off the breadcrumbs that come their way and even being grateful for those few crumbs!

CRUMBLED BOUNDARIES AND GUILT-TRIPPING TO BOOT!

I knew this guy was a bad deal. I had kept my cards close to my chest all the way thus far. I knew that he had a court case pending and that he would (according to him), be disappearing for a while. Meaning that he would no longer be around! "Could I write to him whilst he was out of circulation?"

How and why? Oh, how I have turned this over in my head trying to find the real answer. How did I manage to not get away from him when my whole body and mind were telling me to do so? I FELT sorry for him! I pitied him! He got me on the "I´m a poor, little victim, nobody loves me!" trip. The guilt trip in other words.

He had been lining me up as a support tool for his upcoming stay in the nick!! Like I needed that! I had left one Prince Charming behind for the same reasons. I was off to Paris in a few weeks; I didn´t need this guy at all. I could see what he was worth. But he worked on my conscience, weak little INFJ type as I am.

The proverbial "Saviour of the Human race!" Well folks, it has taken one hell of a long time for this little INFJ type to recognize man-kind; it really has! Like I could be saving any other human being when I am in dire need of saving from my own lack of judgement??? Oh, the hypocrisy of it all! The loss of personal integrity which leads to hypocrisy!

I had refused to give him my address or phone number; something I learnt from the first NARCISSIST???!!!! He gave me the address of a contact who would forward him my contact details when I had them. I had told him, "I´m off on my travels! I do not know where I might be!" Trying to be as vague as possible.

So, I walked away with an address on a piece of paper and relieved to have got through these five weeks without being beaten to a pulp! I went off to Paris in the New Year and got back into the swing of things. Maybe it was that the distance FELT safe, or was it the informality of the postal box number, or did I have to prove that I was away from the UK?

Whatever the truth was; I sent him a contact address and he began to communicate by letter with me. I knew that I did not want to do this. I had been there before with my beleaguered Prince Charming (misidentified as NARCISSIST but was in fact displaying narcissistic traits as learnt from a NARCISSIST female partner). This was not my life, I did not need to be a part of their troubled lives. But I admit that both of them had made me FEEL very sorry for them!

The guilt tripping had worked on me. I thought that I would be able to keep a cool distance and keep it amicable but already I had been trapped although I did not as yet know it!

Wishing everyone who celebrates Christmas a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS with plenty of peace and goodwill to ALL. I have had my Christmas Eve dinner with my NARCISSIST in peace and with goodwill on both our parts. So sad that it is but an act! I hope that will not be the way for the rest of you.

I will finish off this second NARCISSIST in the next post. I am dragging my feet I know. I cannot believe that all of this really happened. I could see all that was going to be but was unable to prevent it from happening. WHY? I still can´t quite see the answer, maybe in the next post I will torture myself sufficiently to get closer to that answer!

So, check back when you have a moment and if anyone would like to follow these trains of thought of mine, I do have a follow tab in the right-hand panel, or why not drop me a comment below. I would love to hear some of your thoughts too. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS to ALL who FEEL the NEED to celebrate the occasion.