BREAKING AWAY FROM A VIOLENT NARCISSIST!

THE NARCISSIST WILL DESTROY YOUR PLANS AND ASPIRATIONS IN THEIR ATTEMPT TO REDUCE YOU TO THEIR LEVEL! POST NO.12/N  (A 10 minute read)

A very Happy New Year 2024 to ALL. What will this year hold for us all? What would we like it to hold for us all? Each of us will have our own particular aspirations for this newly begun year. I FEEL a little strange this morning, having been out last night, I have started the year late in the day (12pm) and with a slight headache!!!!!!

I though, have pending the same task as last year. This year must be a continuation of the last as far as my psychological cleansing and healing is concerned. The whole of 2023 was about my own mental and emotional condition. What I can say right now though, is that in spite of doing absolutely nothing of consequence last year, my mental health is greatly improved.

Emotionally speaking, yes, I have a big void. I FEEL very empty emotionally and I know that I have so needed to empty out of my heart and mind, so much that has been plaguing me for so long. What has been so sad though, is that even though I have been able to empty out so much that was negative, I have not been able to refill that space with all things positive.

I will come to my new year strategy and goals in another post but for today, I must continue to torture myself into extracting more deeply buried pain and shame and getting it out in the light of day, spoken out loud and from there, thrown away with all the other bad NARCISSISTIC memories that still linger in my memory stores.

WISHING EVERYONE A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2024! Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash.

REUNION WITH A PITIFUL, PARASITIC NARCISSIST!

Having got off to a cracking new start in Paris, which had seen me pick up a friendship from the past as well as make many new ones, I was back to enjoying myself again. I was working and earning well, so my initial spell of exploration in Paris was positive. I made the decision therefore, that I would continue to live and work in Paris for the immediate future.

I had foolishly given my NARCISSIST boyfriend no.2 an address in Paris and he was sending regular letters to me. Each of a more passionate nature than the last. This had been the way with my confused Prince Charming and I could FEEL the danger of this male who was building a new life around me. I also knew that I did not want him in my new life and I certainly did not NEED him in this new life or in any other life.

My intention was to write as little as possible and give away as little information about me as possible. He was requesting money, which I sent. He did a good job at making me FEEL pity for him. That is another one of the NARCISSISTIC traits. They induce PITY in you. "I´m a bad boy because my mother didn´t love me!"

Well, those like myself who did have a NARCISSISTIC mother, certainly know how it FEELS to not receive love and affection on a continuous basis. I certainly knew emotional instability. But I was not a bad girl! I cannot say that I was a very, good girl because that would be untrue. Never though, have I had any criminal instinct ever!

Lacking love and stability, as well as confidence in myself as a young teenager, did not turn me into a criminal!! No, I continued my path towards growth and found love elsewhere!! I learned to live without that love, support, approval and appraisal of my mother. Possibly the difference lies in the fact that I actually did know my mother, whereas he did not!

Having been in Paris for three months, I FELT that it was time to visit home although I did not tell this NARCISSIST of my future plans. He still had more time to do and I found myself unable to avoid visiting him in prison during that trip!! I can see so clearly how this male, just like millions of other males, are clinging onto this female as their hope for their future.

You are all that they have got and believe you me, they have a lot of time for thinking in prison and a lot of time for fantasy building. These fantasies are all being built around you. You will be the central character in this play that they are writing. They are the script writers and you and they will be the principle characters in this farce.

Whatever you think as the normal person really does not matter at all to the NARCISSIST. He is working at all times to teach you your part and to learn to play it full-time. This is where the love-inducing phase is so intense, so consistent, that is does work on you if you have weak boundaries and cannot resist this evil person.

What was so very different this time around though, was that I knew I did not want to be with him at all. I knew he was bad news but somehow, I could not shake him off. He refused to be shaken off. I did keep trying to tell him that no, there was no future for us. I would help him with money and contact but we were not going to have a relationship beyond that.

ALL THE BEST LAID PLANS CAN BE BROKEN BY A NARCISSIST!

I returned to Paris and picked up where I had left off. All was going swimmingly well and with the distance between me and this NARCISSIST, I FELT safe. Spring time came and my elder sister returned from Australia with our little one-year-old boy, so it was time for another trip back home.

Sadly though, the NARCISSIST was now free and I had bumped into him. "I wasn´t staying!" I told him. "I will come with you!" he replied. I had become trapped once again and under threat of extreme violence; he came with me.

Even as the ferry was pulling out of the port of Dover, UK, I knew that I did not want to be with this person. "What was he going to do as he did not speak French?" I kept asking. "I´ll manage to find work!" He said. That was highly unlikely of course.

Deliberately I took us to a different area of the city when we arrived and tried to get on with my schedule which did not involve this person at all. He was a dead weight and was never going to be anything else. He was becoming more controlling by the day and the threats of violence were being used ever more often too.

He wanted to go home. "I will get you a ticket and you can go! I have got no problem with that!" I said. "You´re coming too!" He would reply! I had things to do and he had nothing to do. He wanted his hand held at all times. He was pathetic! I longed to get free from him but could see that this NARCISSIST male was indeed going to use physical violence against me.

IT WOULD BE PHYSICALLY PAINFUL BEING BEATEN BUT IT WAS THE ONLY WAY OUT THAT I COULD SEE!

It was my day off and I had looked forward to a long lay in and catch up on some much needed sleep. But the NARCISSIST could not keep himself occupied without me and so, very unwillingly, I accompanied him outdoors! All that day he was moaning and complaining about how I was neglecting HIM and HIS needs.

"I told you what it would be like! You should not have come!" I said. He seemed to think that I had to go back to England with him for some reason. I just wanted to be away from him and as soon as possible but I was afraid of him. I knew that he had it in his mind to beat me to a pulp. How could I get away from him?

Sat in a brasserie that evening after dinner, we were having a drink. NARCISSISTS really are poor alcohol consumers and sadly, their limit must be your limit! "If you want to go now, you can. I am not going yet!" I told him assertively. "You will do as you are told!" He replied.

He was getting more and more irate and bullying me harder as the time moved on. A group of young French men were sat at the table next to us and when my NARCISSIST went to the toilet, one of the French guys said to me, "You want to get away from him! He looks evil! He is longing to get you out of here and be alone with you!" He said.

"I know!" I replied. "I dare not leave here with him!" At that point the NARCISSIST returned and snatched my bag from me. He took all the money that I had at that moment in time which was about 450 French Francs. That was quite a lot of money in 1991!!! The guys nearby were watching on as he continued to threaten me into leaving.

"NO!" I said, "I will leave when I am ready!" I had already said to the French guy that if the NARCISSIST came after me when I went to the toilet, would he please call the police because most surely I was going to suffer at this monster´s hands.

There was a blind woman sat in the ladies toilet who gave out the toilet paper. I came out of the cubicle just in time to see this monster NARCISSIST plough his fist into her face and knock her off her chair. "YOU BASTARD!" I yelled at him. The next thing I knew was that my blood was spraying across the walls and he was telling me that I must obey him!

Moments later the French guy came through the door, saw the scene and laid some very heavy punches on the NARCISSIST, which had him grovelling on the floor saying, "Please don´t hurt me! I didn´t want to hit her but she is defying me! Please don´t hit me!" It was pathetic. He could beat me and this blind woman but a man his size could not hit him!

The police were just another few moments away and so it was that my NARCISSIST was arrested by the French police. The French guy accompanied me to the police station and bore witness as to the whole sorry story. I explained my side of the story to the police and they said that they would keep him in for 72 hours and "Get gone!"

FINDING ANOTHER PRINCE CHARMING!

My face looked an absolute mess. My nose was twice its normal size and I had a deep cut above my top lip which was pouring blood into my mouth. My eyes were so swollen and bruised that I could barely see out of them. My lips were so swollen that I could hardly pronounce words at all. But he couldn´t get to me now; I was free of him!

My new Prince Charming took me out of Paris to his parent´s house where he and some friends were house sitting as the parents were away. I could not believe my luck and this young man tended me and my wounds for the next ten days until I was in a sufficiently recovered state to get moving again.

And after thanking him profusely for his act of tremendous humanity and goodness, we parted company and I never saw him again. He had wanted nothing in return for helping a goodly human being in extreme need. He did not need to get involved. He could have turned a blind eye but he did not! 

That is what is missing from this world! Human males who will stand up to the NARCISSIST that is man-kind. Those males who do have empathy and as such, will intervene and become the proverbial Knight-in-Shining-Armour that all of us women who find ourselves in this same position really need! They only needed to do what was right! They did not see how they could benefit from this situation. It was done out of the goodness of their heart.

PICKING UP THE PIECES ONCE MORE!

Well, you want to believe that I was shaky and very nervous once I left the protection of this new Prince Charming. I had collected all of my gear, leaving his behind. I had paid up for the month as well, so that he did have some weeks to get organized. He had my money and so, could get a ticket back to England.

I had to rely on the generosity of a work colleague and was given a place to stay for that week. PARANOIA became mine once more. Was he still around? Was he out looking for me? Had he been able to get gone? What I could be sure of though, was that he would certainly not have any good will towards me at all.

Paris is a big city and I moved to a completely different area again and changed my work place too, as I feared many times that he had followed me in the evening and so knew where I was working. As you can hear, just a few weeks/months with a NARCISSIST and all your plans have been completely disrupted.

It was never the same again for me. I decided to go back to where we had been staying and try and find some information about him and whether he had moved on. Yes, he had left there that same week! I found the first new friend that I made on my arrival and was absolutely horrified when I found out all that he had to tell me.

I had a small notebook in which I had my lists of phone numbers and addresses. This new friend had given me the codes to the two doors which needed passing before accessing his apartment. He had found my NARCISSIST banging at his front door! How had he known the codes to get through the two doors first?

Obviously he had been prying whilst I was asleep or in the shower because I certainly had not given any numbers or addresses away. I had never given him my family phone number either. But if he had these codes, then surely he would have made a note of many others.

An incredible man came into my life not long after that and my days became a lot brighter. I had been able to tell him of this whole sorry episode of my life and he FELT for me. I still love this man and always will. But he was committed to another life (wife and child) and I knew that from the first day. How unfair it seemed to me.

I had met such a wonderful person and yet, it was a relationship that could never be more than it was. Even so, we had a great time until he decided that we had to put aside the sentimental FEELINGS for each other but that our friendship which was so important to him and me, could continue. It was with him that I shared the Dire Straits gig in Paris!!!!

But it had been my first new friend who had found himself obliged to help this pathetic NARCISSIST get home. I apologized so profusely and gave him money to compensate. He wanted nothing more to do with me and I understood that. I had been responsible for bringing this SHIT to his door, so, another good friendship destroyed by this NARCISSIST.

Time moves us all as human beings, into a new day and I mentally moved on from this monster. I knew he was no longer around and so, my sense of panic, apprehension, anxiety and fear, began to dissolve. I dreaded going back to my home city though and I never have. He is the reason that I have never gone back home again!

WE ALL HAVE TO FACE OUR DEMONS SOMETIME! That post tells of my first visit back to my home village since 1993. Seven years without going home, can you imagine it? But once again, I could not bring myself to mention the NARCISSIST talked about in this post!!

THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN BEGINS!

I spent another two years in Paris beyond this awful period in my life but my loneliness was getting to me and I had been visited by my late elder sister and our Puppy who was now three-years-old. I think that was a decisive moment. When I saw them go off on the train, I sat and broke down in tears. What was I doing and why? 

I was staying away because I could not go home given my fear of crossing paths with this NARCISSIST who I FELT sure would want his vengeance! He had shown me just how violent he really was, towards women at least. I now knew what he was capable of but quite probably, I have over estimated him, as we all over estimate the NARCISSIST.

It was in late summer 1993 therefore, that I made the decision to go and live with my sister and nephew in London and become a family together. It was heart wrenching to leave my special friend, my former lover, but he too thought that I was wasting my time there in Paris. He met my nephew and took us out for the day. He was a wonderful man. A truly good man. One of the few that I have known in my life time.

It had been a very timely decision and not long after settling in London, we three found ourselves on the train to our home city, knowing that we were coming to see our father die! I shall say no more!

Another seven years passed before I was able to return to my home village and visit my father´s grave. But it was then in 2001, that I found out that this NARCISSIST had been phoning my family in the late hours of the night on a regular basis, bad mouthing me.

My father had not said a word to me about this neither had my mother. They had got the police involved and were having their telephone calls monitored but that did not stop him. Even after my mother sold the house and moved on, the NARCISSIST continued to phone our old number. 

My mother took me on that first visit back, to our old family home so that I could say farewell to our dogs who were buried in the garden and see the house for the last time. I also had the opportunity to apologize (for what that was worth), to the new owners who had of course, changed their phone number by now.

He could not find me and so he found my family and tried to destroy me in their eyes. He did not manage to do that. Love, unconditional love, something that a NARCISSIST will never be able to know or FEEL, but that which my father was always capable of giving.

My elder sister and I had become estranged from our mother after our father´s death. As such, it was ten years that my mother had been the keeper of these awfully disturbing and painful phone calls, most of which were threatening to kill me. NARCISSIST as she is though, she could not resist revealing this in front of my present NARCISSIST, although he did not understand what she was saying, fortunately.

Ten years had gone by but she still longed to throw that back in my face. Credit where credit is due, she did suffer greatly and after all, she did keep it to herself for ten years!!!!

In the next UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM post, I will move to this third and I may hope, final male NARCISSIST to destroy me and my life! Have a great evening; hopefully NARCISSIST free!