NARCISSISTS ONLY PREY ON LONELY PEOPLE!

HOW DO YOU FIND YOURSELF IN ANOTHER NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP; DID WE LEARN NOTHING FROM OUR FIRST AWAKENING? POST NO.10/N (A 10 minute read)

Without doubt I have been stalling this week and I know full well why that is! Yes, it is necessary for me to finally speak of these ugly episodes of my life and air my memory stores fully. They have harboured the secrets of narcissistic violence and manipulation for far too long. 

Whilst I may have thought that I had moved on from these tortuous times, whilst writing my first book titled ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN I could FEEL the anxiety coming upon me even as I drew close to those particular years of my life. Yes, I had FELT so much FEAR and I could see that it had been this FEAR which I had taken away from this doomed relationship with me.

I had moved away but had I moved on? No, that was what I could see as I was writing my book. I even said it out loud. I have always been running away from all that made me FEEL afraid. Running away from all that I could not change and as such, could not cope with. Check back to this post in which I was reviewing the chapter of my book which dealt with these years!

You can see that although I wrote that post eleven months ago; I still was not ready to fill in the ugly NARCISSISTIC details and made no mention of them! This is the link for you if you are interested: OUR PRECIOUS NEW ARRIVAL MARKS A NEW ERA OF LIFE!

The circumstances surrounding the meeting of this second NARCISSIST male were completely different to the first one. In spite of that though, I became unwillingly snared once again. Though I can say that this time around; I was full of foreboding!

THE RUN UP TO MEETING ANOTHER YOUNG MALE NARCISSIST!

I had just lived the most incredible five years of my life. Since my separation with my long-term partner (two and a half years), I had been away from my home area and my circles had continued to increase in their dimensions and reach.

I had even been able to fulfill many long-standing ambitions, amongst those were the trekking across the Sahara Desert and boating up the River Niger to Tombouctou in Mali. I had been living and working in southern Spain and was FEELING like quite an independent female, who was making her own decisions and choices. Paying my own way; the only way to be your own boss!

Any who read that first book of mine will know that in the summer of 1990, my luck ran out and I had returned to my home area again, wondering what to do next! Finding work was obviously a priority and I had been lucky to pick up a part-time job quickly. It was a way of easing me in again to a regular routine and also gave me the opportunity to do some well-needed (non-narcissistic) de-toxing of my own!

That job saw me through to the end of Autumn and I had got my weight back to where it needed to be. I had got back into a regular, healthy eating routine and had incorporated an exercise routine as well. So, I was FEELING pretty good in myself. I had not wanted to leave Spain but I was getting over that now.

Christmas was on the horizon and I got a job for the six week Christmas period, selling Christmas trees and decorations. What I had not realized at all, was that I had to be my own boss. I had the shop floor space and my space in the storage depot, where my cargo of Christmas gear was all waiting for me to set up a grand display and get selling!

I had been given the job there and then, to my great surprise and delight. YES! It was just what I needed as I was toying with the idea of going off abroad again in the new year and needed of course, some money with which to do so!

LONELINESS MAKES US EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE! Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash.

BRITISH PUBS, GOING IN, OVER, UP, DOWN OR ROUND THEM?

That heading might have you asking questions of me but I will explain of course! Next door to this store where I had just been given a job, was a pub called "THE LAMB". Maybe you can hear the danger already! Now, I did not go "IN" The Lamb, no one went "IN" The Lamb for some strange reason. No, everyone went "OVER" The Lamb!!!

My home city was brimming with beautiful pubs of all names, ages and styles. As young English people in the 1970s and 1980s, we were inevitably drawn to our pub culture and each had their own particular favourites. I had been "OVER" The Lamb on the odd occasion but it was not one of my regular pubs.

I usually went "IN" THE BELL, where I had worked for a year myself. Funnily enough, The Bell was one of the few pubs that you went "IN"! Alternatively one might have gone "UP" The Murderers, or "UP" The Adam and Eve. You could have gone "ROUND" The Woolpack for example. Or "DOWN" The Louis Marchesi, or "ROUND" The Lawyer, or perhaps "OVER" The Mischief Tavern!

This always made me laugh about our pub culture and people really did go, DOWN, UP, OVER, ROUND and on a few occasions, "IN" a public house. They were the days; as we say! Since the no smoking in public places laws came into being, there has been a dramatic decline in what used to be; an absolutely thriving business.

Back to 1990 and at 2pm mid-week, The Lamb had a healthy number of clients and I took a seat at the bar and ordered myself a drink. I was celebrating; I had just got a job!! That did FEEL like good reason to celebrate; it did! I chatted with a few known faces until they went on their way, probably UP, DOWN, ROUND, IN or OVER another pub!!

I had every intention of heading home shortly, as I was supposed to be starting this job the next morning. All the best laid plans hey!!!??? I think back and I can see just how important path crossing with others really is in determining many of the choices and decisions that we make in our lives. 

If I had done the sensible thing and limited myself to just a couple of celebratory drinks and headed off home in time for dinner, I doubt that my path would ever have crossed with this low-life at all. Having had more than a couple of drinks and still sat at the bar, this young male walks up to the bar, orders his drink and sits on a bar stool near me.

I had been laughing with the now largely unoccupied bar tender who obviously knew this new arrival, as such the conversation widened out and I got talking with this new male. Many more drinks went down and the decision was made to get something to eat and then I would head off home. Why did I not go off home after that bite to eat?

APPLYING PRESSURE FROM THE WORD GO!

It is because of weak boundaries and personal insecurities, that folk like me are manipulated with relative ease by the manipulatory types like the NARCISSIST. He was good looking; I was not going to have a relationship with him. It would be a one off, that is what I said to myself. I was celebrating after all!!!

I am aware that I tried to say "NO" in many different formats but he continued pressuring me and the promise of a good time ahead, saw me drop my guard, overstep my rather weak boundaries and off I went with him! To say that I had a good time that evening would not be strictly true because in fact I was alerted to some home truths of this male and I did not like the look of them!

No, he might be funny and chatty but I could see that he came with a lot of unpleasant baggage. No, I was not going to make this a permanent thing. I made the decision to be guarded about personal information and I could FEEL the alarm bells clanging as he would keep insisting on the same questions over and over again.

This pushiness I did not like. Sad to say, given the circumstances, I had to turn up for my first day in my new job without even having had a wink of sleep the night before. What a way to start and of course, he knew where I was working. Whilst he had gone off and slept for the rest of the day, I had to dig really deep and get stuck in, FEELING as rough as I did.

Shortly before I finished off for the day, he walked by my area of the store, mentioning my new uniform and how he liked females in uniform. That did nothing to ingratiate him with me, quite the opposite in fact. It was "OVER" The Lamb therefore after work, for a first day celebratory drink!

Being absolutely done in as I was and of course, needing a shower big time, I managed to get away from him that evening and get myself back home, washed up and into bed by 9pm. Next morning I was up early and got a lift into the city with my father, looking (and smelling) somewhat fresher than the day before.

A representative from the Christmas decoration company came to see me and give me a run down on the situation. She was suitably impressed by my display area, as set up the day before and wished me well with the Christmas campaign. I was so relieved that she had not come the day before; I might have given her a completely different impression of myself.

Maybe an impression which would have also been true. That of a very weak boundaried, irresponsible and rather immature (for a 24 year old) female who looked like being pretty unreliable too! That has been me; I confess that! That is what happens when you have weak boundaries. Other people can cajole you and encourage you to put aside what you know you should be concentrating on and play their game with them instead!

After five years away from my home city, I had broken all the relationships that I had formally had. That ISOLATION coming into play again and leaving one NEEDY of companionship, not LOVE but companionship. I can see now that this is one of the lingering sources of vulnerability which are caused by a narcissistic relationship with a monster in male form.

It is that cutting of ties with all things and all people that does in effect alienate you from your home surroundings and all that was familiar to you. They say that familiarity breeds contempt, well, in truth, familiarity is our greatest security. I FELT insecure within that environment which had always FELT so secure.

My naivety had been breached and knowing now the realities of a NARCISSISTIC male, I now knew FEAR and HATRED! That first NARCISSISTIC male actually succeeded in breaking up my happy home life and seeding deep insecurities within me. No, I would never be the same person again. But this second NARCISSIST male was about to add countless destruction to my life.

Next post I will try and rake over some more of this rotting, festering, old ground of mine. FEEL welcome to comment and check back soon. Have a great day!!