LIVING AFTER A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP!

MY GOING SOLO YEARS BEGAN AND I HAD EVERY INTENTION OF STAYING OH, SO, VERY SOLO FOR THE INDEFINITE FUTURE! POST NO.9/N (A 12 minute read)

There was a chapter in my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback, which was titled GOING SOLO and I reviewed that chapter in Post No.32, GOING SOLO! A NEW ERA BEGINS! should anyone wish to have a look back on my blog. It was posted on 19th December 2022, so, very nearly a whole year ago!

Even as I was writing that first book and going through the years of my life lived, I could see all that I was NOT writing about. I could see clearly that I still had a number of "NO GO" areas in my brain, even though I had FELT that those years were behind me now and that I had moved on from those particular times of extreme TURBULENCE caused to me by my proximity with NARCISSISTIC people.

I knew though, that I wanted that first book of mine to have no ugliness in it, nothing to mar the beauty that I was trying to re-find. Oh, yes! I certainly left out some very important happenings in my life which really did affect me badly at the time and yes, I had moved on, or at least I thought I had.

NARCISSIST boyfriend No.1 therefore, was still a pending issue. I have FELT absolutely drained since I wrote those most recent posts of mine, in which I have revealed for the first time, my true FEELINGS of the physical and psychological suffering that I sustained. It has been a very positive move for me to take and is not the emptiness that I now FEEL because I no longer keep this secret to myself?

Is it because I have shared this truth, because I have off-loaded this truth which has been a dark, dark, blemish upon my younger life and shed light upon it, that I now FEEL a sense of emptiness. Is not a COVERT NARCISSIST able to stay COVERT (covered-up), because we, the victims, are so ashamed of having fallen under their spells, that we never talk to anyone about these awful happenings?

It seems to me as though he has vanished, as though he is no longer living solely within me, riddling me with the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), that was the real result of that terrible relationship. I have also been able to admit and see clearer than ever before, the part that my own mother, NARCISSIST too, has played in creating my Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

Leaving me "RIPE" and "NEEDY". The perfect victim for the NARCISSIST! WHY? Because those little INFJ types like myself, who should be all about positives and assertiveness, have swayed permanently between those two pillars of heaven and hell, that is the chosen living strategy of the NARCISSISTIC parent.

As such, I suffered very similar symptoms as my first NARCISSIST boyfriend. I could sympathize with him initially because I knew what it was to be rejected by my mother, I knew what it was to be criticised by my mother, I knew what it was to have love given as a reward, or withdrawn as a punishment. And yet, I myself, have never been allowed to stay where I belong, which is in that realm of all things righteous and worthy!

GOOD OR EVIL; IS IT NOT OUR OWN CHOICE?

My father was so right! We do ALL have a choice as to how we behave. I have made it my choice to try and stay on the side of the righteous and worthy and I will adhere to that choice for the rest of my life. I could obviously, with all of the examples that I have had in my life of both female and male NARCISSISTS, just be an exact copy of they themselves.

I NEED to stay loyal to me. I am INFJ type, I really do have something to live for and so much to give. I NEED to stay loyal to my father too, absolutely the best example of a father that a child could ever have. He is not a ghost from my past, oh, no; far from it! There is no part of him that needs to be emptied out of my brain; none at all!

It seemed so easy for me to sympathize with these adopted/abandoned young people as I knew what it was to always be wanting to reciprocate with those that I loved but on completely different terms. Starting with an equality; for example. I could see very clearly just how uncomfortable our society made life for those children.

Having no superior force (like I had my DAD!), to keep encouraging them to veer to the positive pole, they seemed to have an almost magnetic pull towards the negative pole. And of course, wanted to drive all of the positivity out of your life, leaving you full to overflow with all of their negatives and your own perceived and real negatives too.

They try to convert you into one and the same as them. Because you (PTSD/ADD sufferer), do share so many of the same emotions and sentiments as the NARCISSIST; intimacy is very quick to occur. It seems as though you are at last able to empty out your true thoughts and FEELINGS. I believe that to a degree, the NARCISSIST also reveals some of his true FEELINGS.

Therein the major problem with moving away from them. You are the holder of their SECRETS. They have confided some of their true VULNERABILITY in you. You have been let into their secret world of injured emotions and now; you CANNOT leave them. WHY? Because you may just tell their truth to someone and have that facade be revealed to be just that; a facade!

There is a small, injured child underneath all of the violent, aggressive and bullish behaviour. That is the case of every NARCISSIST and that is what they are permanently trying to deny. You could feasibly; now blow their cover! Taking the COVERT out of the NARCISSIST. Leaving him bare and without his false-self, without his shield of protection which gives the appearance of a tough, hard, resistant, resilient, impermeable person! 

YES! THERE HAS TO BE AN END TO ALL NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIPS! Photo by Available Psychologist on Unsplash.

WHAT PART DOES SELF-BELIEF PLAY IN NARCISSISTIC CHOICES?

SELF-BELIEF is our key to ALL and EVERYTHING positive. If we cannot believe in our own selves, then we really are going to be destined for a very mediocre level of living. As very young children though, it is those adults close to us who (hopefully), seek to instill self-belief in us. They do so through praise and encouragement, helping to boost our confidence in our own abilities.

Again, I see that determining factor (my Dad), which has seen me absolutely 100% convinced that I do not want to be living in the world of NARCISSISTS but my own levels of self-belief had all but disappeared until 2020 when I began to make my come-back bid! I am finding some self-belief again but I FEEL as though I am experiencing a repeat of my childhood.

I can find no one who will support my self-belief in myself. I am seen as a complete waste of life by ALL it seems! I long for EVALUATION by a human being. A NARCISSIST´S evaluation is meaningless. They have nothing to judge you by. MAN-KIND and I, will never walk hand-in-hand. And so, just as I was doing in my GOING SOLO era, so am I doing again now!

Hoping and hoping and hoping some more, that I might just get a positive comment from a HUMAN BEING one day in my life. Which is surely why I have always opted to stay tuned into the positive pole. As you will NEVER receive any APPRAISAL from a NARCISSIST for doing anything that could be considered as positive to you, yourself! Neither will you earn their APPROVAL or APPRAISAL for anything negative! They are absolutely "NO WIN!" cases.

Nothing to gain at all therefore, from a NARCISSIST. Their own PTSD and ADD, mean that they are in such NEED that they really cannot see beyond their own deficiencies and deficits, which have been served to them by cruel hands, oh, yes! But were you the girlfriend responsible for any of this cruelty caused to another young person? Of course not!

Sadly though, because you care (initially), they use that against you and you become their personal punch-bag, scapegoat, you bear the guilt for every short coming that they have. That is NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER, which is surely derived from a combination of Complex PTSD and ADD.

YOU HAVE TO DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM YOUR NARCISSIST TORMENTORS TO FIND YOUR SELF-BELIEF!

Yes, sadly that is true! I can see that I have always had to do that. "You can´t do that! You won´t be able to do that! What do you know about that? You haven´t got the qualifications for that!" The list of negative statements that come out of a NARCISSIST´S mouth when you display self-belief/confidence; is long indeed!

All of them endeavouring to reduce your self-belief and confidence in your own ability to make your own independent decisions. They offer you no support or encouragement ever! Always belittling you, always trying to ridicule you and your attempts at independence. Always negative when it comes to your own ideas but well, wouldn´t you know, that they are full of ideas as to what you COULD do!!

All of their ideas have one thing in common; they ALL relate to the MAN-MADE scheme of things! So, highly unsuited to an INFJ type HUMAN BEING like myself! Their tiny, little aspirations for you are soul-rendering. "Is that all you think I am worth?" NO! They know what you could be worth were you ever allowed to have support to be your own person!

Being your own person would of course, mean that you would be moving away from them and that is the crux of the matter! You would be deserting them; in their vision of things! You would not be around to keep receiving their rages, outbursts and insults, then turn around and show them love and affection in a quantity previously unknown to them.

They are in fact totally dependent on YOU and that is why they try continuously, each and every day, to break your self-confidence and your self-belief. They must make you believe that you are dependent on them, by undermining your capabilities, by raking up past errors of judgement, by making you over grateful at their standing by you in difficult days.

GOING SOLO!

I can remember being rather nervous as my plane touched down in Tangier, Morocco. It was the first time that I travelled abroad alone. I had recently ended a two and a half year relationship which had seen my faith restored in the male of my species. No, they were not ALL NARCISSISTS. It was a very healthy, young adult relationship which came to a natural close by mutual consent.

But going solo again after a long relationship, does take some time to get used to and of course, there is usually some sadness, as was my case here, that our paths had come as far as they could happily run together. Now we had to want the best for each other and support each other´s choices, which we did and very well!

It was probably just 30 minutes after my arrival at Tangier airport that my SOLO status suddenly FELT like a wonderful gift and I enjoyed that month of travel to the absolute maximum. I enjoyed that month in a way that I had not enjoyed any of my travels abroad to date. WHY? Because I made MY choices, I made MY decisions, I had to be MY own leader, I had to fend for MYSELF!

I found ME! Oh, how different it is when you can really follow your own INTUITION. Now, that is when life starts to become very FULFILLING! Not having to go around another person´s deficits and foibles. Not having to compensate for the deficiencies of another and compromising all along the way, in order to stay within the boundaries of a shorter-sighted, narrower-minded person.

Well, that is all in my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN. These were the best years of my life. That is what I found out even as I was writing them up. I had known a really, nasty NARCISSIST male. I had come through that, gone to college, started work and now had money of my own, albeit in a smallish quantity!

Four and a half years went by before I returned to my home village and that had not been a free choice. That had been a conditioned response but none-the-less, I NEEDED some time at home doing some de-toxing of a non-NARCISSISTIC nature!! My idea was the same as it had been for the last five years! I would find work and get saving again for the next trip.

I thought that I was ready today to start talking about this next NARCISSISTIC MONSTER who came into my life but obviously; I am NOT! Once again, I have never spoken of this hideous monster to anyone and I know that I NEED to but there is not one little piece of me that actually wants to revisit this awful part of my life, short though it was.

Instead, I have set up the scene in readiness for the revealing of this DEMON, who rattled my cage for a long, long time. I thank you for reading today if you have come this far. I would love to hear from you. Until the next post; have a NARCISSIST free evening.