THE NARCISSIST NEVER REALLY WANTED YOU!

THE NARCISSIST IS A LIVING LIE. THEIR REAL PERSON IS AS AN EMPTY SHELL. THE FALSE-SELF BECOMES THEIR DISGUISE! POST NO.14/N (A 13 minute read)

Did I recognize the processes of IDEALIZATION and DENIAL with those two NARCISSIST males from my past? I could see that they were both definitely in DENIAL of their true FEELINGS. Oh, yes! At 17 and 25 years of age respectively, they both had knowledge of their absent parents. They both knew that they had been abandoned.

Both had been on self-destructive paths as of their early teenage years which had seen them make little progress academically speaking, meaning of course, few valid options of work on leaving school. Hence the life of crime beckoned to them both. They both saw themselves as worthless nothings. But had both of them built up their FALSE-SELVES by the time that I had met them?

The first one was in the process of building his FALSE-SELF. I had initially been impressed by him because he behaved so differently from the rest. He was acting. He was playing the Mr. Nice Guy! Charming, funny, entertaining, complimentary and sexually appealing. I thought that I had met a completely different type of man to that which he turned out to be.

So, YES! I was aware that he lived in DENIAL of his real truth and that his real truth did cause him much pain. I FELT that I could see that he did not want his life of crime but that was the life that went with his type of person. The UNWANTED, UNLOVABLE and ABANDONED children that no one has ever cared for!

And YES, I could see how he behaved according to who he was with and what the situation was also. He was almost incapable of speaking coherently to adults and could only speak coherently to young adult males of the same ilk! He was far more at ease with young females though and had no trouble finding female company at any time!!

No, I did not recognize the IDEALIZATION with the second one as I now do with my current NARCISSIST. I could FEEL clearly that I did not want to get entangled with this one but he had no intention of letting me (a weak-boundaried fool), slip his clutches. No, I could not see him IDEALIZING me and transforming me into his mother.

He had come further along in time than the first one, seven years further on in fact. The second one had known a lot more people and taken a lot more knocks as well. That tough exterior facade was part of his defence mechanism. He could see no other way through life that did not involve trying to latch onto other better folk and receive some leverage for some time at least!

What I could see later in retrospect was that the two of them had got a clear purpose in their minds when they met me. They both decided to try and reduce me to their level. They wanted to make me their equal, they wanted a perfect play-mate who was just the same as them. They wanted me to know how they really FELT by making me really FEEL the same way.

They both tried to destroy my character and succeeded in destroying all of my existing friendships, as well as causing no small amount of distress to my family. They both tried to create the same psychological and emotional CHAOS that existed in their lives, in my life too. They wanted my family to abandon me and leave me to social services; cut me out of their love and lives. 

Who those two actually IDEALIZED I am not sure. Themselves, I think. But my third NARCISSIST male partner does, I can see it so clearly now, IDEALIZE his biological mother!!

THE NARCISSIST NEVER REALLY WANTED YOU PERSONALLY!

This has been quite the most distressing knowledge of all that I have learnt regarding NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. The fact that he never FELT anything positive towards you at anytime, you just happened to cross paths with him and he took the opportunity to start trying to GROOM you!

Concentrating now on this third male NARCISSIST, who as you may remember did know his mother and father. His father being a hideously, malignant NARCISSIST and his mother being the typical long-suffering, victim of NARCISSISTIC abuse. She was his only point of comfort and she was his ROCK to cling onto.

She was a long way from perfect but he has built an IDEALIZED image of her in his mind and every female that he knows has to conform to becoming identical to this IDEALIZED image of his mother. The NARCISSIST takes a mental photo of you when he first sees you and from there he begins to tinker with your photo until you resemble his IDEALIZED image of his mother!

All you need to do to keep him calm is to be like his mother. Act as his mother did in every circumstance! Use the same words as his mother did in every situation. Do as his mother would have done at all times and he will be happy with you! But deviate from his IDEALIZED image of you merged with his mother and watch what happens!

He flies into a rage and starts insulting you and attacking you for not doing as you have been told. How dare you think with your own mind and not speak to me as my mother does? He suddenly becomes the incarnation of his hideous, NARCISSISTIC father. Rearing up like a venomous cobra, lashing out and injecting toxic venom into you with each strike, whether that strike be verbal or physical!

That is the REAL him. That is your REAL partner! A covert NARCISSIST. Pretending to be Mr. Nice Guy when it suits and reverting into his REAL-SELF anytime that you dare to disagree with him. Or offer him any advice! Or pick him up on something that he has done wrong! Or talk to him of something that NEEDS doing/attending to!

In short, anything that you, as a NORMAL person, could say in NORMAL conversation, using your own free mind and choice of vocabulary, is done without MR. NARCISSIST´S permission. One of the unknown rules in a NARCISSISTIC relationship is that you, the NORMAL person, are not allowed to think or act for yourself, if thinking and acting for yourself goes against the NARCISSIST´S way of thinking and acting! 

JUST WHAT THE NARCISSIST DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BE!!! Photo by Stefan Moertl on Unsplash.

YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO BE YOU!!

I know that may sound bizarre but that is what the NARCISSIST could say to you when raging at you because that is the reason for his rage. By thinking as yourself, a modern, intellectual, thought processing kind of human being, well, of course, your thoughts and decisions will never coincide with those of a NARCISSIST!

His IDEALIZED photo image of you is STATIC. It is RIGID! It is inanimate! You are an accessory of him; you have no right to think and speak as an individual person. You are MY IDEALIZED mother and you will ACT accordingly. So, just by being yourself and showing your personality characteristics, you will inevitably seriously upset your NARCISSIST male partner!

His rages are designed to intimidate you first and foremost and put you back down where he deems you belong; on your knees, blabbing in distress. His anger is caused by your refusal to be as STATIC and RIGID as his IDEALIZED image of his mother/you is! It shows that his inner IDEALIZED image of you is flawed.

The NARCISSIST´S FALSE-SELF has the distinction above all the other selves of mere mortal human beings and that is it´s perfection. The NARCISSIST is always right. The NARCISSIST is always ENTITLED to be in the right because he is never wrong. Full stop! How could he be wrong? He is his own IDEALIZED person. He has built a full-bodied FALSE-SELF now and it is always others who are systematically wrong.

Either that or he will play the victim who is being unfairly treated and misunderstood! What you will find though, is that your words and actions are treated with scorn, anger, violence, anything but positive reactions. A NARCISSIST wants to hear what he wants to hear which is just what his foolish mother would have said to him.

False appraisal and much molly-coddling. Trying always to compensate for the hideous treatment from the father by being over-generous and over-kind. She had learnt to keep her thoughts and ideas to herself. And do as her violent NARCISSIST husband would have her do, in the hopes that he would not find any reason to fly into another one of his rages. 

Oh, no! He never considered your personality nor did the thought even cross his mind that you would continue to be your individual self. No, he really did not want you, just the leverage that you could give to him and to become his tool for abuse. All NARCISSISTS need an INTIMATE!

WHAT DOES INTIMACY MEAN TO A MALE NARCISSIST?

Aren´t we ALL looking for an INTIMATE partner? Aren´t we ALL looking for INTIMATE friendships and relationships? But let us understand INTIMACY as a NORMAL person considers INTIMACY, which means that owing to the level of trust that exists between two or more people, they are able to share very private and personal information with them.

They are able to open up and speak their true mind and speak of their true FEELINGS. Where the FEELING of trust exists, so does the confidence grow in your ability to safely share your most sensitive and maybe, most important FEELINGS with that trustworthy person. They instill a sense of security in you which invites INTIMACY.

YES! We ALL long for true and full INTIMACY with another person but how rare is it to actually find people that you can trust over a prolonged period of time? Honest, trustworthy people are hard to find, that is the truth of the matter. A NARCISSIST is never honest and never trustworthy. The NARCISSIST´S interpretation of INTIMATES and INTIMACY is so very different!

The NARCISSIST is as a wizard/witch who has a black cat or a toad as his/her INTIMATE. A NARCISSIST sees all people as possible suppliers of good, positive FEED; their elixir of life. The NARCISSIST is only capable of producing toxic venom himself and in order to keep the mirage of his false-self looking alive and well, he must off-load his toxic venom into his INTIMATE and drain off some of their positive elixir.

It is how the NARCISSIST stays alive and visible to the outside world. He literally goes out every day like a predator, looking to get positive FEED from anyone who will supply it, to inflate his FALSE mirage. But if anyone should dare to reject his mirage´s FALSE charms, then they will no doubt FEEL a quick shot of toxic venom fired their way.

The working day has so many knocks and slights delivered to you as a person, that yes, it is difficult to not spend the whole day snarling!! At work though, the NARCISSIST does not dare lash out and attack, oh, NO! He is meek and subservient at work! But all the slights and perceived injustices received during the working day will have caused some serious NARCISSISTIC INJURY to him.

Which is why the NARCISSIST needs a permanent INTIMATE at home, ready to receive all of the day´s unspent NARCISSISTIC toxic venom that is now seriously affecting him. He walks in the door and begins to strike! Once, twice, three times, four times and however long it takes him to empty out his overflowing toxic venom tanks and his rage to subside!

Any INTIMATE details that you share with a NARCISSIST, will almost surely be used against you at some time. Oh, YES! The NARCISSIST listens so carefully initially, of course he does. He is learning all about you and from you yourself. He has lulled you into a false sense of security and you are opening up to him and telling him your inner thoughts and FEELINGS.

He is learning where you strengths are and where your weaknesses are! He is finding out which people are important to you! He needs to know where your support comes from, these are all threats to the NARCISSIST´S dominance of you! He needs a character profile of you so that he can plan his strategies for enmeshing you into his SHARED FANTASY!

Thank you for reading. In the next post I will talk more of the NARCISSIST´S FALSE-SELF and indeed who gets to see the NARCISSIST´S REAL-SELF.