NARCISSISTIC IDEALIZATION AND DENIAL!

WHEN YOU HAVE SPENT A LONG PERIOD OF TIME WITH A MALE NARCISSIST PARTNER, YOU BEGIN TO SEE THE CYCLES! POST NO.13/N (A 12 minute read)

By the end of 2022, I knew that I was living with a full-blown NARCISSIST. Last year, 2023, saw my learning of NARCISSISM become complete. All of my INTUITIVE suspiscions were shown to be correct. There was a very definite cycle to this male and finally I could understand fully why I FELT that all he and I were ever doing was going round in circles.

Because I was able to get freed up from the other two male NARCISSISTS that I had previously known pretty quickly, I had not come as far in understanding just how psychologically sick these NARCISSISTIC males really are, as I have with this one! I did not get to see the NARCISSIST´S life cycle as it actually is.

As I have already explored with the former two NARCISSIST male partners that I knew and this one, our childhood circumstances are all defining. Who were your parents, being really the most important factor in each and every child´s life. Those two people, whether known to you or not, control absolutely the psychological, emotional and physical growth of each child born to them.

It is a traumatized child living in an adult body, who becomes a NARCISSISTIC parent. Reasonably so, would it not be that the traumatized girl child now in an adult body, who had become mother to another child, would be least able to guide a young child´s healthy growth? Surely why many children find themselves on adoption lists!

It is a traumatized male child living in an adult body, who becomes a NARCISSISTIC parent. How could that boy child now in an adult body, who had become father to another child, be a competent father? He was not as yet responsible for himself, let alone become responsible for his child´s mother and their child too. Surely why there are so many single-parent families!

Many children therefore, are removed from the prescence of their traumatized child mother or child father and so do not actually know them as two real flesh and blood human characters. But a child who has been abandoned by their mother or separated from their father, does not know of the trauma that one, or both of their parents, has suffered and most surely continues to suffer!

IDEALIZATION

When researching all matters related to NARCISSISM, you will find the word IDEALIZATION used with great frequency. All NARCISSISTS create IDEALIZED images of real people in their own minds. They do not see the real person that they have in front of them, they make their own IDEALIZED picture of them. 

Why do that? If you do not like what you see, hear or FEEL from your contact with an individual person, why do you FEEL the need to build an IDEALIZED picture of them? Why not just say to yourself, "You know what, that guy/girl is a fool. What an idiot! He/she speaks no sense at all! I won´t be needing to see him/her on a regular basis!"

Isn´t that what a NORMAL person would do? They would make a decision about this person. Well, maybe you have to live with this person or maybe you have to work with this person, which will mean that forceably, you have got to be able to contain yourself and try to keep your contact with these people at the lowest levels possible. If you can´t go NO contact, you have to try for LOW contact instead!

The orphaned child who has not known their parents, has never known them as real people. NO! But they live in his/her mind and they dominate his/her thoughts almost uninterruptibly. "What are they like? What do they look like? Where do they live? What are their names? How do their voices sound? What do they like to do?"

For the child who has never known their own biological parents, these are all questions that never have satisfactory answers. But we all need clear pictures in our own minds of our two parents. I came from those two people, I need to know who they were in order to know who I am! Does that not suggest the human necessity for a sense of belonging, a valid connection to your life?

Sadly, the picture that an orphaned child builds of those two unknown characters, his/her biological mother and father, can never be anything but an imaginary picture at best. IDEALIZATION is what occurs. The perfect mother image and the perfect father image are born in this child´s mind. His/her mother and father were perfect, they did not have any flaws or deficiencies!

"How could they have done, they were MY parents? Yet, if MY parents were so perfect (like the new IDEALIZED picture of them), why am I not with them?" That all important question that will surely never be answered to their liking. Every child must ask themselves this question over and over again. "Why did they abandon me? Why did they not want me in their lives?"

Because yes, in his/her IDEALIZED picture of mother and father, they will be a couple living together but without him/her! That child had no knowledge of the circumstances of his/her mother´s pregnancy and by whom she had become pregnant. Maybe she was raped and that was the only encounter that she had ever had with his father!

Maybe it was an unwanted pregnancy born out of poor sexual knowledge and guidance. Never meant to be and the father never even knew about his fatherhood. How many traumatized girls have become pregnant deliberately to shackle a male to them by obligation and fatherhood unwanted as well?

NO! The IDEALIZED picture does not include any of these particularly relevant details; does it? The human errors of judgement for example!!That is precisely why these pictures are IDEALIZED because the child is trying to build themselves significance and rooting. He/she must belong somewhere and to someone! 

Deep down though, they do know that their picture is defective. Because if there were real faces and voices to relate to, he/she would be able to FEEL these two people and would not have to dedicate so much time to building an imaginary picture of them! The IDEALIZED pictures are compensation for the lack of REAL pictures. 

SUNDOWN OUTSIDE MY BACK WINDOW!

DENIAL

So, the first step is the IDEALIZATION of absent parents but in order to maintain the validity of those IDEALIZED pictures, you must necessarily be in permanent DENIAL of your real truth. Your real truth being what? Your biological mother and father, for whatever reasons, have abandoned you and left you to the care of others. They didn´t want you!!!

That is a very painful truth for any child to bear; it is! In the younger childhood years, orphaned/adopted children have a compulsion towards self-destruction. That stems directly from the trauma that is caused by parental abandonment. He/she was not deemed good enough or valid enough for his/her parents to want to love and care for him/her.

But because those parents are so perfect (according to his IDEALIZED image of them), he/she really must be an awful person, a useless person, a defective person, an unlovable person, a detestable person, which is why they did not want to keep him/her in their lives.

Any of us who have lived closely with a NARCISSIST and been able to learn anything of them and particularly their family background, will surely have been able to see that this traumatized person does have that painful beginning in life which makes them a childhood victim of NARCISSISM. "Why can´t you put the blame on she/he who has been responsible for your pain?"

Why the protection of the culprit/s of his/her whole misfortunate life? Wouldn´t it seem more reasonable to be slating them permanently? "Damned you mother, you have messed me up good and proper! I hate you. I loathe you. You sick, twisted, deranged, miserable, toxic monster! You have never loved me, you are not capable of loving anything but yourself. But look at you, you can´t even love yourself, can you?"

"To HELL with you father and your vicious, poisonous toxicity and your controlling, dominatory, dictatorship! You are the lowest of the low! How could I possibly respect you? Look at you, you miserable waster, living in poverty, destroying my mother and abusing her. Dragging her down to your sickly level. I HATE you. To HELL with you!"

Wouldn´t that seem more logical? Direct the anger towards the source of pain? A child who has been abandoned does not think logically! Their thought patterns are all becoming defensive. Mother and father in their IDEALIZED forms, are RIGIDLY upheld in the forefront of their minds. But at the same time, the REAL people who were his parents, absolutely must be kept secret.

His own parents, the abandoners, cannot exist. They are not perfect and "I do not want to acknowledge that I am the son/daughter of two child adults who had made grave errors of judgement. I am not a son/daughter born of desire, I was a MISTAKE. I was the MISTAKE of two child adults!! I am the consequence of two child adult´s MISTAKE!!!! I should never have been!"

THE FALSE-SELF

I think we can see clearly why there is such a need for parentless children to build a false-self. Their very first communications with other children of the same age is typically when primary education begins at 4-5 years of age. I had a young boy from a care home who joined our school for a few months only and as a group of young children 7-8 years of age, we were staggered at this boy´s behaviour.

We had never seen a child behave as he did. He hit and kicked our lovely female teacher, for example. Something that none of us could never have even thought of doing. Why? She was a superb teacher and we all loved being in her class group. We adored her and we could also see just how kind she had been with this new comer to our group too.

But he would hurt us, the girls physically as well. He would pull our hair, nip and pinch our arms, kick our shins. None of us in that group had ever known such behaviour and most of us had brothers or sisters. None of us behaved like that with our siblings and yet, this boy was being so nasty to all of us girls and our lovely female teacher!

Sadly, I cannot say that any of us were sad when he returned not to our school. NO! We were all heartily relieved to have this violent, aggressive, turbulent boy removed from our happy, peaceful and friendly environment. Oh, yes! Traumatized children stand out at a very young age. They know their truth and perceive every one else´s truth.

They do not wish anyone to know their real truth, which is why they use DENIAL of their truth and build a FALSE-SELF to protect their REAL-SELF. So, having built an IDEALIZED image of their parents, they now build an IDEALIZED image of themselves. Their FALSE-SELF. This is the image that they build OF themselves and FOR themselves. 

Their IDEALIZED image of the two parents protects him/her from their truth and the IDEALIZED image of himself/herself, this new FALSE-SELF, now protects his/her REAL truth of himself/herself being seen to the outside world. From now on, his/her life REVOLVES around trying to maintain these IDEALIZED images absolutely and rigidly, in tact!!!

Using the references that an individual has available to them, so their FALSE-SELF begins to take shape. The FALSE-SELF is in effect, the image of who they would ideally like to be. The image of themselves that they would like to be REAL. Instead of seeing their true image reflected back at them in the mirror and not liking it, the FALSE-SELF learns to pretend to love ITSELF! 

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your comments. Do any of you understand NARCISSISM? Have you been a victim of NARCISSISTIC abuse? It takes a lot to heal from time spent with a NARCISSIST. I know, I have been set solidly on that path for 4 years already.