THE NARCISSIST IS VULNERABLE TOO!

THE PERMANENT VULNERABILITY OF THE NARCISSIST IS WHAT ALLOWS HIM TO PERCEIVE THE VULNERABILITY OF OTHERS! POST NO.16/N (A 12 minute read)

Hello and good morning to ALL of you who decide to read me today. It is 11.30 am where I am sat right now in Almería, southern Spain and my desktop thermometer is showing a sunny 19ºC outdoors. It will be another very hot day again therefore. The intensity of the sun this month of February 2024, has made it nigh on impossible for me to sit for more than 5 minutes under its rays!!!

We are still in the middle of winter and yet we reach 40ºC in the sunshine most days. I am dreading summer this year again. The temperatures are so high already that it seems as though we have no respite at all from the hot, sunny conditions. The seasonal weather records are being broken up and down the whole country. Yet still there are those who would be in denial of GLOBAL WARMING!!!!????

Back to business again after suffering from a nasty virus (not COVID-19; that was preferable to this one) last week, which saw me take to my bed for three whole days and nights. Where between bouts of vomiting and dashes to the toilet with diahorrea, the banging in my head allowed no possibility of thought processing!

Three days further on and I am FEELING human again! You would be surprised at how my NARCISSIST male partner runs around me when I am down. YES! He becomes my IDEAL carer. HE becomes everything that I actually NEED him to be in my moments of physical VULNERABILITY. He responds to the task with vigour; he NEEDS me fit enough to meet HIS needs!!

He was the first to fall sick of course, as he is the one with the multiple contacts. I had naturally cared for him in his state of VULNERABILITY which after two months solid of a kind of STALEMATE situation, could have been interpreted as affection on my part. It could have been an expression of my degree of caring for HIM, the person.

But it wasn´t! It was my natural reaction to a person who was clearly suffering and FEELING very low physically. I wasn´t motherly and molly coddly though, oh, no! I was more district nurse; knowledgeable and practical. No kisses and cuddles, just the relevant physical care! 

Fortunately by virtue of staggered contact timing and incubation spans, it was 48 hours later that I suddenly found myself just overwhelmed by these violent spasms of vomiting and shortly after, my backend began its attempt to evacuate everything that I had in my digestive system! And YES! I did NEED molly coddling; I admit that.

THE VULNERABILITY OF OTHERS IS SEEN AS A  GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY BY THE NARCISSIST; NOT ONE TO BE MISSED!

Many talk of the predatory nature of the NARCISSIST and that does create a very sinister image of a male indeed. But those who would like to believe that they are fully independent but in fact are not, are almost permanently out in the street. These types don´t rush to get back to their home and close the door between them and the outside world, harsh and cruel as it has been to them.

Not when they are single they don´t! These are always taking "THE LONG WAY HOME!" Just a mention here for that fantastic song from the brilliant group named SUPERTRAMP. Though I have to say that in the song, the male does not want to get home because of the female wife who is there waiting for him. She doesn´t appreciate him!!!!!

NO, the NARCISSIST who is single; does not want to go to his home abode at all and certainly not alone! He hates his solitude, he hates his independent state because he is not an independent male. He cannot cope with a state of healthy independence. No one taught him how to live in a wholesome, healthy, educated, balanced way.

So, he spends his time looking for others who are as equally VULNERABLE as he is. HE is looking for a soul mate, someone who he can see himself reflected in. That is what the NARCISSIST is searching for in truth; his own likeness. Another person who is struggling with their independence or their independent situation.

This is what ENABLES the male NARCISSIST to play the Prince Charming act. He actually knows what you may be FEELING, particularly if you have similar circumstances to them, which sadly I did. I could, I FELT, with all three of my male NARCISSIST partners, RECIPROCATE with some, if not all, of their FEELINGS because fundamentally, we were all four of us, traumatized children.

But maybe it is their apparent coping mechanism which you, as a person with at least one good parent can see, is absolutely against your grain. For these types without parents, the cycle of violence and crime becomes their life cycle. I think that is why they are easier to get away from because you are so clear that you really do not want any part in that kind of life style.

You can see their VULNERABILITY but you can also see your own and know that these types are pressurizing you to act against your will. They really are not doing you any favours at all. The initial Prince Charming mirage that you met, dissolved quite quickly in reality. The rest of the time was spent trying to get free from them!  

The first two male NARCISSISTS that I met, were both orphaned children. Their own NEED to off load some of their truth, had ENABLED me to know something of the tortured soul within and I knew that I could do little to help them as they were outwardly in DENIAL of their emotional and psychological trauma.

So, a VULNERABLE child trapped in an adult male´s body goes out looking for someone, anyone, who might be a prime candidate for mothership! He cannot do independence! He has failed as an adult male! He NEEDS a mother but will any woman do? No, she must be VULNERABLE or in a VULNERABLE situation!

That way he can presume to help and advise or offer assistance maybe, acts which ingratiate him with the receiver of his attentions. Remember that the NARCISSIST male is fundamentally PARASITIC; he NEEDS a permanent INTIMATE. Given time, he will have learnt of females and strong boundaries. Hence why he is always looking for those with weak boundaries.

Strong boundaried females won´t give those losers a second look! Those females will have quickly assessed them and found their financial insolvence a major issue for instance. Maybe my third and actual male NARCISSIST partner, who was 36 years old when I met him, had learnt more along his way! 

Photo by Gadiel Lazcano on Unsplash. A MAN DISPLAYING VULNERABILITY!

MY OWN WEAK BOUNDARIES WERE REVEALED BY ME, TO HIM!

I was still reeling from the loss of my father one and a half years earlier. I had FELT forced to remove myself and my nephew from the same environment as my sister, who had thus far in my life, been my mentor no.2, second only to our late father. Who was also her mentor no.1. We had clung together very tightly after his passing; we had both needed each other´s care and support.

Now she herself was behaving in a very negative way towards her child and the effects were unpleasant for him, to say the least. My big sister was undergoing a series of hormone treatments to resolve a post-birthing complication. She was being filled with testosterone and was like a raging bull!

The atmosphere within the home was volatile. Her ten years junior partner was messing her around as well, which at a time when she was most needy of his support, he was not around to give it! So, what was he doing there therefore? If he wasn´t meeting any of her needs? Well, he was as the proverbial housewife to her, she was the one who went out to work and earned the money!

She CONTROLLED the finances! Yes, she was NARCISSIST in her relationships with males. But they all had this in common and that is that they could all see that she was NEEDY of company and sexual sensations. Like ALL women are. But for some reason, the partners of her choice ALL seemed to be males who did not work at all!

They were ALL relationships built around CO-DEPENDENCY. She wanted an attractive young male who would do her bidding by and large. They ALL wanted an easy life where the bills were paid by another and they could do their own thing most of the time because they could easily see how to manipulate the weak boundaried woman that my sister was.

Only in her sentimental relationships was she weak boundaried and I can say the same too. On the work front, neither she, nor I, have ever stayed working where we really could not tolerate the people overlong. Neither of us were afraid to finalize one job and move on in search of another. We were never afraid of new starts in the work sense.

But new starts in the sentimental sense, meant something completely different to both of us. She suffered much post relationships as she would analize and see that she had allowed herself to be used to the point of abuse. How quickly and easily the guy packed up and left when she finally had enough. She saw that they had never FELT anything towards her.

NO! There were usually injuries sustained post-relationships and I was still shaky from my second NARCISSIST encounter, although some four years had passed since then, I was no nearer to any kind of stable relationship with any male. I was having relationships with males but always keeping them at a good distance. I had my Puppy to keep me busy!!!

I had come to Spain with my Puppy to give him, me and my sister the space that was needed whilst she was finishing this treatment which was causing her and us, so much distress. She also needed to get this waste of space out of her life. But most of all, she needed to concentrate on she, herself and with the financial burden of the four of us???????

So, I decided to remove the two burdens that I could and trust in her to remove that third burden (her errant partner!). Get her health back on an even keel and move on from this bad period of life. She would look for a better home for us and schooling, etc. We would begin to build a stable environment for the boy!

YES! My sister did remove this male from her life very quickly once we were out of the way. She also moved on and settled into a tiny studio, in order to live cheap and save money now towards a mortgage. "Could I stay there with Puppy a while longer?" And well, it ended up being a permanent thing. I think I knew deep inside that it would!

I was trying hard now to establish a settled environment for Puppy, which all needed paying for. I was working too and struggling to meet the costs of single-parenting. It wouldn´t be for long, my sister kept saying. "I will be able to get a mortgage soon. I am already looking at properties!" And she found something that she could buy not long after.

She was going to be true to her word then! Now it was about schools and school places. She couldn´t find one!!! I could not pick and choose his age and when he started school. He was three when she had started looking!! Time was running out. I had to recognize my truth and ultimately my beloved nephew´s truth. His mother, my elder sister, had left us out in the cold.

She had severed her maternal tie of obligation and was never again to reconnect it. She filled the absent father role, to my beleaguered mother role. And he had to go to school! All of a sudden I had to become fully responsible for my nephew. I had not planned that; I was not prepared for that. 

My beloved sister, my shoulder to cry on, was the one now responsible for my next series of conditioned choices that should never have been taken. This is how life is when you are ENMESHED with a NARCISSIST family and contacts. Every thing you do is ultimately conditioned by what they do.

I NEEDED a shoulder to cry on, I NEEDED emotional support! I was meeting all the needs of my Puppy and yes, he was meeting many of mine too. He was such a bundle of love and cuddles but no one had prepared me for motherhood and certainly not single-motherhood. And so it was that I met my third male NARCISSIST partner.

He was FEELING emotionally VULNERABLE and so was I. He stepped up to play my Prince Charming and the rest is HIS-STORY as we like to say. Yes, it has all been HIS-STORY sad to say, hence my total loss of self. Did I see our CO-DEPENDENCY? No! I thought that we were two people who understood each other!

Though I could never see it that way, actually we have always understood each other very well, minus one or two vital omissions! In the next post I will continue to talk on the CO-DEPENDENCY which underlines most, if not all, sentimental relationships with male NARCISSISTS.

Thank you for having a read. Come back for more in a few days time. Have a great evening.