WHY DO YOU FALL FOR A NARCISSIST?

ARE YOU CO-DEPENDENTS, PARENTS, ACCOMPLICES OR LOVERS? WHAT ROLE DO YOU PLAY IN YOUR SENTIMENTAL RELATIONSHIP WITH A MALE NARCISSIST? POST NO.17/N (A 10 minute read)

In the last few posts I have begun to line up the pieces that came together to start off this fatalistic NARCISSISTIC realtionship that I have been immersed in, indeed ENMESHED in, for twenty-nine years now. Today I will meet again this male and with that golden gift of retrospect, be more honest with myself than I have ever been before.

My words are coming as something of a confession it seems to me but I have no therapist to share with and so I am speaking out loud to my blog, my mirror on the wall. I will see my true self reflected even though I continue to be denied my truth by all those known to me. It hurts of course, but I must find the way to heal from all the wounds received during these long, unfruitful years.

From having spent a decade of INDEPENDENT living myself, the single life had become rather unsatisfying to be honest. After the second sentimental relationship with a male NARCISSIST, I was so shaken and mistrusting of males that the very idea of a relationship with a male was not even considered by me.

I had seen once again just how manipulating males can be and had FELT the boundaries of the male NARCISSIST´S closing in around me. Their boundaries being so tight and restricting, that they were suffocating, asfixiating, stifling, choking, draining and every part of me would know that my INDEPENDENCE was being stripped from me.

That seemed to be the set course for a male sadly. Initially they played the part of an INDEPENDENT male, who had charm, humour, was upwardly mobile and working, he lived by himself and had ambitions but could never find the right kind of person to share life with.

I was getting by financially, pretty well given that I was now the provider for myself, my nephew and our French au pair. Yes, it was tough going I admit but I was still in the belief that this would be temporary!! What I was NEEDING was some emotional support, a shoulder to cry on, someone to boost my flagging morale.

What did he need? He had just been kicked out of his home by the wife of fourteen years, leaving two young children behind (not that he was ever bothered by that) and of course, the monies invested in the said wife. She was to keep the home and receive a maintenance payment from him for their children, until they came of age.

So, he was definitely floundering. He had his own business and had now taken out another mortgage on a ground floor studio. Something which I knew nothing about until I found myself having to live there and opening the door one day to the bailiffs. That was when I finally learnt the truth about all of this!! Needless to say, we had to move on from there forthwith!!

He was so recently out of the last door, that he had not even begun to organize this studio. Out on the prowl one evening, our paths crossed. Oh, how I rue that evening. Barcelona is a very large city and of all the bars and restaurants, he had to come into the one where I was sitting, waiting to have dinner.

A BOLD FIRST MOVE FROM MY NARCISSIST MALE!

Like I have not gone over this moment in my mind a million times and more. We have been taught the motions of courtship but they are all flawed. BEWARE! Never accept the advances of any male that you have not noticed yourself and as such, given him the invitation to advance towards you. BOUNDARIES, my friends!

You invite people to come close up to you and if there was no invitation, then there should be an outright refusal to communicate with the advancer. He is erroneously versed in man-kind´s NARCISSISTIC method of "Any woman by herself, is worth a go!" A woman by herself has no protection other than her own internal BOUNDARIES.

Well, it was a busy evening and I was waiting still to order my food but my first drink had gone down. Even before I had chance to ask the waiter for a re-fill, he appeared in front of me with a fresh glass, which he informed me was from the gentleman at the bar who was waiting for a free table to dine. "Would I be prepared to share my table with him?"

I looked over to the bar and saw a very smartly dressed and well turned out male of a mature age, who raised his glass to me with a warm smile and I said, "YES!" Where was the harm in that, I thought. I am by myself sat having dinner and he is by himself wanting to sit and have dinner too. 

I knew from my long years of solo living how this ran. Busy restaurants would look at you and not want to give you a table for just you, single people were an inconvenience to them at busy times. So, I FELT a reciprocal agreement was not an unreasonable proposition at all.

We got talking, ordered our food, ate, drank, I paid for mine and he paid for his. I was on my dinner break of course and had to get back to work. "How about I meet you after work?" he said. I remember trying to say "NO!" But he kept insisting (typical NARCISSIST red flag), a normal male I believe, would have said goodbye after the first couple of NO´s.

So it was that a few hours later, there he was waiting for me. He was actually asleep in his car and it took some to wake him up. I did think about just slinking off home and hoping that he would not come that way again. But I had been unable to avoid him knowing where I was working.

He took me to a night spot where we had a few more drinks and then I said that I had to be getting back home. He said he would give me a lift, I invited him in and he promptly fell asleep on the settee. His snoring was unbelievable and I kept trying to wake him up, I thought he would suffocate with this weird breathing pattern that he had when sleeping.

Sleep Apnea is what he suffers from, though it was another ten years and many sleepless nights later for me before he would recognize that he had a problem!! Oh, how I wish I had just told him "NO". He was fun and he listened to me as I shared my FEELINGS and misgivings with him. He was good company. We seemed pretty compatible I thought, as he was telling me of himself.

This is the NARCISSIST at work, concentrating on gleening all the information about you that he can and without digging, you are freely sharing it all with him, in confidence. He is appearing to be trustworthy and sensitive, genuine! My goodness, those are three attributes that you can never assign to a NARCISSIST of course.

It had FELT good to me to be able to off load some pent up emotions and share the company of another adult (he seemed like a bona-fide adult male then). It was a Friday evening that we met. He stayed until the Sunday evening and I know that I FELT rather empty after he had gone. We had arranged to meet on the Friday but I really did not expect him to be there.

I thought that having seen my situation and found out some about me, he, as a bona-fide INDEPENDENT male, would see that clearly he did not need me and my baggage! He would give me a wide berth, he would not consider me as a suitable partner for him. 

THOSE SHARED FANTASIES???!!! Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash.

TOO GOOD AN OPPORTUNITY TO MISS!

That is surely what he must have been thinking once he left my door for the first time. That was the only time that he walked out of my front door and I did not know if he would return. When the door bell rang in the afternoon, I was very surprised. 

My French au pair would go and pick up my nephew from his nursery, so aptly called "The Nest". And it was too early for them to be arriving and I certainly was not expecting anyone else. "Who could it be?" I did not think for a moment that it would be HIM.

I had given a lot of thought to HIM since his departure and I know that I thought that it would be preferable that he did not show up on Friday. Was I trying to soften the blow when he didn´t turn up on Friday? Because I truly thought that as a bona-fide INDEPENDENT male, he would see that I was a single-mother and as such, not free to have a full sentimental relationship.

Or at least, not what I considered a full sentimental relationship. But of course, he was never looking for MY idea of a full sentimental relationship with me or with any other woman. OH, NO! He was looking for a VULNERABLE woman who he could manipulate into becoming HIS IDEALIZED mother.

He recognized the VULNERABILITY of my situation and could see that I was needing emotional support. There he could smell out his new VICTIM. He knew that I was estranged from my family, he knew that I was pressured financially and emotionally. I bet he spent that Monday planning it all.

I opened my door and HE was stood there. I could not believe it but what maybe I could not believe was just how overjoyed I was to see him there. I really and truly FELT that he was such an upwardly mobile, INDEPENDENT male, that he would see me as a negative person and give me a wide berth.

If you are learning anything about NARCISSISM along with me, you can see how already his FALSE-SELF has led me to FEEL that he is a better person than me. But he can already see just who I am and can see that I am better person than him. I had got to thinking about past males and how quite possibly, I had not given any of them the chance to show themselves.

HE had a large travel bag with him and I can only say that I allowed him to get his foot in my door for the second time. The biggest mistake that I have ever made in my life. What I can see so clearly is my PERCEPTION of him was so, so, so very wrong. I could barely believe that this male had decided to come back so soon because he could not stop thinking about me!

NARCISSISTIC TACTICS - RED FLAG ALERT!!!!!!! The speed at which they move. The initial persistence on the Friday evening. Staying around all weekend, an intense LOVE-INDUCTION phase. But back again on the Monday pressuring, before I had any chance to maybe COOL down and wise up. Coming with a bag; so self-assured. That was my one and only opportunity to say "NO". And I didn´t take it!!!

FEELING so solitary and isolated as I then did, this was just what I was needing; or so I thought. But so too was I just what he was needing. Oh, how different our two sets of NEEDS were and just how differently we PERCEIVED each other. I saw a caring, loving, friendly, considerate, mature, active, funny and outgoing male. He was fantastic. That is my NARCISSIST partner´s FALSE-SELF.

I fell in love with his FALSE-SELF and gave myself fully to him and willingly. He just saw a prime candidate for his NARCISSISTIC intoxication by LOVE-INDUCTION and then the posterior COLONIZATION of myself by his NARCISSISTIC self, whilst draining all of my positive energies to use himself and for himself.

As you can see, there are two people in a relationship but in my case, as in all relationships with NARCISSISTS, there are two SHARED FANTASIES starting up, if only we could recognize the NARCISSIST´S tactics and schemes. 

In the next post I will delve into the realms of shared fantasies. Thank you all for reading today, I would love to hear your thoughts and comments. I do have a comment space below each post. Have yourselves a NARCISSIST free day, if indeed that can be possible anywhere in this world!