NARCISSISTIC DEVALUATION AND DISCARD!

A NARCISSIST IS CONSTANTLY DEVALUING YOU TO THEN DISCARD YOU! WHY DOES HE DO THIS? POST NO.24/N (A 14 minute read)

Having been told by my NARCISSIST partner that he really loved "CHEDDAR" cheese, knowing as I did where "CHEDDAR" cheese was made and that as we were not too far away from the tiny, little town of CHEDDAR in the county of Somerset, England, I made the suggestion that we drive there and do some REAL CHEDDAR cheese tasting!!

I had travelled to CHEDDAR in my childhood with the family and I remembered visiting some spectacular caves too. This sounded like a great mix of past times that would keep us all entertained and maybe we could find a Bed and Breakfast for the night too.

Just to add that the oldest human skeleton found on the island of Gran Bretaña is named "CHEDDAR MAN" and HE has been dated to nine thousand years ago. It was in the Gorge/cave area that he was found. So there was plenty of archaeology associated with this small town too.

All was well until the night time when I went across the landing to the bathroom to use the toilet! What could I have done wrong do you think? What could I have done that had a sleeping NARCISSIST wake up and start raging which of course, disturbed all others in this lovely Bed and Breakfast house that we were staying in?

I went to the bathroom in my pyjamas; that´s what I did wrong! According to this twisted NARCISSIST that is! "What kind of SLUT was I?" He threw at me! "Has no one taught you how to behave as a decent woman? How dare you go flaunting yourself to these unknown men behind my back? Or maybe you do know one of them and you organized this?"

There was his new DEVALUATION of me and my character. This is that MANIPULATION of your COGNITIVE RESONANCE! "You are a bad judge! You are always making the wrong decisions! You don´t know how to behave in public! You don´t know how to be a married woman! Causing you to doubt your own actions. Actions which had nothing wrong with them at all; at least not up until now!

2.30 am and you just went to the bathroom for a pee? Well, "that was it", he said. "I´m done with you, all you do is look to cheat behind my back. If you so want to be with someone else what are you doing with me? You can separate own gear right now. First thing in the morning I am off and you can sort yourself out! GOODNIGHT!"

I had now been DISCARDED. I was no good as far as he could see me. He didn´t want me anymore. Right at that moment neither did I want him anymore. I just could not believe how he kept finding these little nothings to make such a big deal over, it didn´t make sense. I thought he was jealous, possessive but NO, it goes a lot deeper than that. 

CHEDDAR GORGE, SOMERSET, UK. Photo by Paul Underwood on Unsplash.

NARCISSIST RED FLAG: DEVALUATION EXPLAINED IN MORE DETAIL!

When you show your own INDIVIDUAL character, who is making her own INDIVIDUAL decisions for herself, well, unless your INDIVIDUAL character and your INDIVIDUAL decisions coincide 100% with his IDEALIZED whore/mother image, you will suffer from this DEVALUATION process which is the prelude to the DISCARD process!

He wants you to act exactly as his whore/mother did with his NARCISSIST father. He wants you to do exactly what he says you do and to the letter. He does not want or require you to think for yourself. No, HE will think for you! You must dedicate your thoughts to thinking about him and his NEEDS and DEFICIENCIES!

When he sees that you have your own mind which is amply capable of thinking about most things, he sees his own INFERIORITY beside you and that triggers his NARCISSISTIC rage, which of course is all directed to you, his beloved partner??!! At that very moment, he HATES you so much! He really cannot bear you and your SUPERIORITY over him!

So he DEVALUES the qualities that you have just displayed which he lacks. In truth, these are qualities that he could long to have himself and he HATES seeing your ability to act INDEPENDENTLY of him. He is trying to destroy YOUR character (CHARACTER ASSASSINATION), by criticising you, rubbishing you, running you down, trying to make you FEEL ashamed of yourself for your lewd, sluttish behaviour as though you were a truly IMMORAL person!

Now a long way on my path to healing from this monster, although I am still trapped with him, I can see that NARCISSISTIC PROJECTION IDENTIFICATION is a reality. NARCISSISTIC RAGE is all based on a self-confessional basis and what is being thrown at you, could actually be thrown straight back at him; couldn´t it?

Firstly, NARCISSIST males are always looking to have sexual relations outside of their sentimental relationships. They will take supply wherever they can and they are always looking for opportunities. The NARCISSIST thinks that we ALL think the same way as they do. They think that we ALL go around predating on others, using and abusing them just to suit our own ends!

They seem obsessed with us, their partners, being permanently on the look out for a new partner. They seem PARANOID that we are always looking for someone to replace them with. The truth is that they are always on the look out for a replacement for you because they are well aware of how they are behaving and wondering actually, just how long you are going to put up with them!

Therefore, I had been DEVALUED and DISCARDED on multiple occasions prior to this instance. But if we, the victims of NARCISSISTS, had been DEVALUED, well, OK! No one is perfect; you know that! But don´t you FEEL like DEVALUING him when he starts rages his toxic filth at you? I know that already I was beginning to hate this monster who would keep rearing his very ugly head!

Of course I was gradually DEVALUING him too. Every nasty outburst sent waves of hatred flowing over me. I just could not understand these abrupt changes and swings in behaviour. Your COGNITIVE RESONANCE is becoming impaired. You know that you do not like this second character that your partner keeps displaying from time to time at all.

The crux of the matter is, that in the initial LOVE-BOMBING phase (which can last many weeks/months), these outbursts are relatively brief and short lived. Those flashes of RED FLAG warnings and then all hunky dory again. "Did that just happen?" You ask yourself. "Maybe it was me who was out of line?"

WHAT OR WHO GETS DISCARDED AND WHY DISCARD DOES NOT MEAN FINALITY TO THE RELATIONSHIP! ANOTHER RED FLAG WARNING!

The very word DISCARD means to throw away, to reject, push aside and the NARCISSIST is DISCARDING you but if that does not mean the end of the relationship, then what gets DISCARDED? Your personality traits are what are being DISCARDED, those very unique elements of your character which make up who you are as an INDIVIDUATED person.

Your own character has to be broken down and thrown away, so that you become that empty vessel for his usage. He wants to rid himself of you, the person and COLONIZE your brain so that it works for him. His brain is no good and so he will make use of yours, therefore, you are not required to think about yourself or anyone else but him!

I can in retrospect see that through each and every one of these NARCISSISTIC rages, he caused a change in me and my behaviour. CHARACTER ASSASSINATION is a reality. Subconsciously you are shifting your behavioural patterns to ensure that you do not trigger a NARCISSISTIC rage. You are beginning to ACT out of your own natural character.

So, you see how you are being DISCARDED by this monster. He is denying you the right to be your own self. "As your own self you are defective and you must do as I say, I am your teacher! Learn to do as I expect you to do and say what I expect you to say!" The producer of your DREAM and your worst NIGHTMARE.

He wants to write the script and he wants you to play second fiddle to he, the star of the show! You of course, never entered into a partnership to play second fiddle and certainly not to be mis-treated. But after every one of these outbursts, YES, there came the HOOVERING phase again and oh, how good that FELT.

Back to NORMAL again! Hardly surprising as he had just banished another part of me to an early grave, he had every reason to be relaxed. He was gaining ground with me and my psychological destruction. This was of course, the man that I wanted to have in my life, this was the man who CARED for me! Or so I believed!

NO! He never CARED for me, the REAL person, not at all. He only CARED for the use that he could make of my mind and body. This is of course, why DISCARD does not mean the end of a relationship, oh, NO! It is just the tail end of another NARCISSISTIC cycle of subtle, psychological and emotional abuse.

Why is he still with me? It is not like he hasn´t DEVALUED me and DISCARDED me thousands of times. Up to the point that you no longer EXPECT him to say anything good about you. Your EXPECTATIONS of this male are changing daily, even as you are changing. He is gaining energy and you are losing energy. He is surviving well and you are sickening.

There are always these two sides and it becomes clear that you are always the one who ends up losing something with every NARCISSISTIC battle that comes your way. You come to the point, having heard "I´m going to pack up and leave you in the s**t!", so many times, you get to thinking, "If only you damned well would!"

TRYING FOR THE ULTIMATE DISCARD AND FINALITY!

Just as I was at that moment in CHEDDAR, so am I right this minute. That in itself may not seem like a good sign but it is. He was always going to leave me stranded somewhere and with no possessions or money. That became my greatest FEAR. But I can see that it does not matter if you stick the relationship for ten years or twenty or even thirty!

You WILL be left with nothing, of that you can be sure! That will be his ultimate parting gesture of loathing and hatred. Because you will not accept his abuse anymore and say "OK! No problem! You want out! I will not stop you! You are a free man!" And then suddenly, what do you know, they love you more than anything in the world and it is because you are pushing them away that they are thinking of leaving!

I have been trying now consistently for eight months to reach FINALITY with this wholly abusive male. He says he will find somewhere to go, pack and move on! "GREAT!!" I think, will he really do it this time? No, they are empty threats, he is nothing without me and he knows it!

Until he finds a substitute candidate for COLONIZATION, he will not get out of my life, that I can see. I am GREY ROCK, STONE WALL, NARCISSIST and as I say to him, "I understand you! I am an awful person, look at me! A nothing, a nobody, shrivelled, destroyed, a complete failure, of course I understand that you want to leave me!"

"There is no hope for me is there? It is time that you stopped thinking continually of me and concentrated on thinking of yourself once and for all!" This is that PROJECTION IDENTIFICATION tactic at work. I am now twisting his already twisted mind but he knows that I have cut him out of my future.

And I have! As of four years ago, I knew that if I was to recover my mental health and actually go on to live again, I would have to think beyond him. That is what I have been doing for these four years solidly. Trying to understand how, what, why, when and where, of ALL that has been a fully ABUSIVE relationship from day one up until this very moment.

In his HOOVERING/GROOMING phases, he is consciously trying to meet up to some of the EXPECTATIONS that you had of him. This comes after the DISCARD and SILENT phases, which mark the end of each NARCISSISTIC life-cycle. Having injured your sense of self so profoundly, he maybe perceives that he is walking on fragile ground!

Having treated you so badly, how could you possibly want to stay with him and before you get the chance to start making plans to leave him and move on, he starts living up to some of your EXPECTATIONS of him, but that will only be temporary. 

Just until you show your own personality again and clash with his IDEALIZED whore/mother image. "NO, NO, NO! I have told you before, you DO NOT think with your mind! You think with mine!" He has to punish you for being you and not accepting his gracious offer of becoming his whore/mother. "How can you be so ungrateful; after all he has done for you?"

Your punishment is his DEVALUATION of your character and his posterior DISCARD/REJECTION of your REAL-SELF!

I will pick up my thread in CHEDDAR in the next post and expand on PARANOIA and HYPER-VIGILANCE which I have run out of space to do today. Thank you ALL for reading and have a great day!