A NARCISSIST IS PARANOID AND HYPER-VIGILANT!

THE NARCISSIST LIVES WITH THE PERMANENT FEAR OF HIS FALSE-SELF BEING DISCOVERED, HENCE HIS PARANOIC, HYPER-VIGILANT VIEW OF HIS SURROUNDINGS! POST NO.25/N (A 14 minute read)

Spend any length of time with a NARCISSIST and you will notice how their eyes are always looking all around them. How they are rarely looking at you but rather at others who may be looking at you, or him! His only concern is how others are viewing him and of course, YOU!

The NARCISSIST suffers from PARANOIA and believes that most people are out to REVEAL his true identity and as such, is always on the alert for any look that he may perceive as derogatory or insulting. Always ready to spring into a verbal attack of ugly words on whoever should deem fit to CHALLENGE him.

That is what it is to be HYPER-VIGILANT and that stems of course, from that INFERIORITY complex which leads to a terribly deep sense of INSECURITY. I was noticing that when we were anywhere that was unfamiliar to him, he went straight into this heightened state of HYPER-VIGILANCE.

He would seem so uncomfortable, twitchy, distracted and seemed always to be paying far more attention to everyone else in the room than me! Once out of wherever and back in his car, he began to relax again. It seemed as though going out for a meal in a restaurant, a drink in a bar and even shopping in a supermarket, would cause him to become very HYPER-VIGILANT.

Firstly, it is his FEAR of being discovered as a MALIGNANT NARCISSIST that causes this extreme reaction to being in unfamilar surroundings. Secondly, it his FEAR of not being able to cope with these unfamiliar surroundings and people! Which all stems from lack of guidance and the learning of social mannerisms. Ill equipped to cope with NORMAL people doing NORMAL activities!

Because NO! The NARCISSIST does not perceive himself as one and the same as NORMAL people. NORMAL people came from good families and good homes, who as children had two loving, caring parents who put their personal growth and learning as their priority! No small amount of erroneous thinking therefore.

PRE-JUDGING other people by their appearance and if they appear to be wealthy, well, that was nothing to do with maybe many years of hard work, was it? NO! That person had a rich father who had given him a lift up in the world; for example. If it were a woman, well, of course, it was because she had seduced a rich man for his money.

BEGRUDGING anyone and everyone, just about any material possession that they could have. This helps to show I think how the NARCISSIST actually views himself. He does not even believe really that he should have anything given his start in life and is that not what gives rise to the FALSE-SELF, who is absolutely ENTITLED to priority treatment always?

"Because I never had anything and no one ever did me any favours or helped me, I as a crippled, little boy child in an adult male´s body, actually NEEDS help and DESERVES help more than anyone else. Because of my long list of DEFICIENCIES, I should always be the first in line for extra consideration.

Whenever his CREDIBILITY as an ADULT male is questioned, up rears the hissing, spitting, venomous toad. Not knowing how to respond to the situation, he flies into FIGHT mode exactly as his father showed him how to, sadly with his own example. Instead of responding like an adult person would, they fly into an aggressive, INTIMIDATING mode which creates FEAR in any close by!

To PROTECT his FALSE-SELF, he reveals his REAL-SELF (the NARCISSIST) and frightens whoever with his violent, aggressive outbursts. What an absurd strategy, don´t you think? It is automatic, is it not? It is ingrained in him sadly. He never went anywhere with his father without him causing some upset with someone.

But why, OH, WHY, does a person not want to be the complete opposite to that awful parent? That is what I will never understand. If you so HATED the way that your father/mother behaved with you and all others too, if he destroyed every outing that you ever had, wouldn´t you be adamant that you would never be like they were?

I know that I have always FELT like that. Then again, I had my goodly father permanently encouraging me to be my own person and be in control of my words and actions. He taught me to think before I spoke. He taught me to recognize the effects of certain words on certain people. Don´t forget that he and I were living with three female NARCISSISTS from three different age groups!

The most important teaching though, was the development of one´s own character and not being a copy of an unfavourable character. That is what the NARCISSIST male that I am living with, did not have. His mother did not teach the contrary to his father and point out his wrongs to the children. 

OH, NO! "Dad had had a bad/tough/hard/stressful/tiring day and as such, had a right to be in a bad mood and take it out on all of them!" That damned NARCISSISTIC DIVINE right to abuse ALL of his family and they are supposed to accept everything that comes their way, after all; HE is the BOSS!

THE "HOLIDAY" CONTINUES!

Logically, I hardly slept at all that particular night in CHEDDAR. After having repacked our luggage so that he could take all of his gear and we ours, I started to work out a plan of action for me and my boy. We were on home turf after all! I had 100 pounds that he did not know about and I FELT sure that if we could get to Bristol, we would be able to get a coach from there to my home city!

We would manage; we would survive! Going down to breakfast was an embarrassing affair of course, after his shouting and banging in the middle of the night. I wrote a message of apology in the guest book expressing my shame at my partner´s behaviour and assuring them that I would never bring him here again!

It seemed like all I could do to make up for this absolutely ABNORMAL behaviour. But on leaving the house, PANIC set into the NARCISSIST and suddenly "I was leaving him in the lurch!" I had by now got my mind set for the shameful journey that we had ahead and our arrival back in my home city without any prior warning!

Though I didn´t know it at the time, I had just come through another NARCISSISTIC life-cycle. He had never had any intention of leaving by himself; none at all! His intention was to continue to break down my personality and monitor my REACTIONS to his tactics.

Maybe he never expected my RESPONSE to his leaving me/throwing me out tactics over the years because I was always ready to let him go! So yes, he had to start being nice again or he would have seen our relationship end every time he hurled that threat at me. I have been ready to let him go for almost the entirety of the relationship.

There was a modification of plans and we now headed eastwards towards London because whilst the NARCISSIST had said that he had longed to go to England well, like for so many, London is England! Not so for me who FEELS that England cannot be represented by London at all!

The rest of the trip went by without anymore outbursts and well, I did just like his mother; didn´t I? "Poor guy! He is being taken all over the place and is quite out of his depth. He is INSECURE and has little experience of travelling abroad, it is normal that he FEELS nervous and uncomfortable!"

Fundamentally there is nothing wrong with thinking that way because it is the truth but that does not give him any right or reason to be DEVALUATING and DISCARDING me, does it? Or does it? What I can see as a NORMAL person is that, if he did not like my personality and character, if he did not share the same desires and aspirations as me, he was under no obligation to continue this relationship with me.

But there are some truly unwholesome relationships which are built upon TRAUMA and our relationship falls firmly into that category. We are TRAUMA BONDED and that is what makes it nigh on impossible to see an end to the relationship. He has no one else in the world and neither do I now, thanks to him!

He has turned me into a copy of himself. A loner who has no one but him to turn to. He is my rock and he is my hard place but he is ALL I have got; or at least that is what he has made me believe. Through his consistent and continual CHARACTER ASSASSINATION of me, he had almost succeeded in driving me out of my own mind and body.

I had actually forgotten that I existed. I had actually forgotten that I had a personality of my own before I met him. I had forgotten that I had a very marked character that I was proud of before I met him. Where had I gone and why had I gone?

FOR COVERT NARCISSISTS TO EXIST, THEY MUST BE ENABLED BY OTHERS!

By allowing him to repeatedly DEVALUATE my personality/character and then DISCARD some more of my personality/character, IGNORE me for several days and then HOOVER me in again with his nice behaviour and treatment, I have unwittingly become just as his whore/mother, an ENABLER!

I have ENABLED him to ABUSE me. I exposed his ABUSIVE behaviour towards me to my Puppy and explained the reasoning for it, as well as explaining that it was not right and my hatred towards him could only grow. 

I FEEL right now this minute that I have cut down the direct ABUSE given me by some 98%. How you might ask? By learning; that´s how! By learning and admitting that my partner suffers from NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER! He is not just a man with a hot temper as his mother would prefer to say.

NO! You do NOT have to take the rough with the smooth! There should be no ROUGH that comes to you directly from your partner; none at all. It is one thing to be going through ROUGH times, ROUGH circumstances, but being treated ROUGHLY by your sentimental partner is not acceptable. 

If your sentimental partner treats you ROUGHLY, he/she most surely has one of the many personality disorders defined by psychologists world wide. But if you can see/FEEL this cycle of LOVE-BOMBING-DEVALUATION-DISCARD-SILENCE. Then back to HOOVERING-DEVALUATION-DISCARD-SILENCE; you are certainly with a NARCISSIST!

We, by allowing ourselves to be INTIMIDATED by the aggressiveness of the NARCISSIST, are relinquishing our own right to decide for ourselves. Little by little, we are becoming distanced from our former lives and contacts, as well as becoming ever more distanced from our own selves. 

We begin to lose ourselves as the NARCISSISTIC COLONIZATION takes over our minds and bodies. We become HYPER-VIGILANT of ourselves and our own behaviour, always FEARING that HE, the NARCISSIST will find some reason to pick holes in you and go for another DEVALUATION attack of your personality.

There has to come a day, sooner or later, when your brain reaches the end of its proverbial "tether". That day when you know that you are being ABUSED! That day when you recognize that this ABUSE has been going on as long as the relationship has gone on. 

The day that you finally realize that your PRINCE CHARMING never really existed and in fact, you have been living with a hissing, spitting, venomous toad all these years, will be the day that you have woken up. You LOVED PRINCE CHARMING (the NARCISSIST´S FALSE-SELF) so much and you HATE that HISSING, SPITTING, VENOMOUS TOAD (the NARCISSIST´S REAL-SELF) so much too.

But until you actually understand what is NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER and the life-cycle of the NARCISSIST, I don´t think you will ever be able to cure yourself or heal yourself from this long-term ABUSE. The first step is to recognize that HE never CARED about you at all. 

You must KILL PRINCE CHARMING! You cannot keep loving that FALSE-SELF! That has ever been your problem! You were in love with someone who did not exist, he was just a HISSING, SPITTING, VENOMOUS TOAD acting the part of your perfect partner; MR. PRINCE CHARMING. 

PRINCE CHARMING NEVER REALLY EXISTED!! Photo by Ivan Sabayuki on Unsplash.

You must stop allowing that actor to HOOVER you up again and again, as if none of the former ABUSE had happened. You must get clear in your mind who the REAL him is and that is the one who you HATE, LOATHE, DEVALUE and REJECT totally. That is the one who has made your life as miserable as it has been. He and every lie assosciated with him and his deceiptful life.

Next post I will get back to Spain full of disappointment and have to make some serious plans for Puppy´s schooling and future stability. I am overjoyed to have so many readers from Hong Kong again this week. Thank you so much my friends, I hope that you are finding much to interest you on my blog.

Just to remind you briefly, The On The Outside Looking In Posts Pages 1-4 are all related to my first book of the same name. The On The Inside Looking Out Posts Pages 1-3 are all related to my second book of the same name. The Tales From The Tomb Posts Page 1 are abstract posts. The Understanding Narcissism Posts Pages 1-2 are all related to recognizing NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER.