THE LIES OF THE NARCISSIST´S FALSE-SELF!

NEVER BE SINCERE WITH THE TERMINALLY INSINCERE! IN OTHER WORDS; DON´T GIVE ANY OF YOUR MOST PERSONAL DETAILS TO A NARCISSIST! POST NO.19/N  (A 12 minute read)

The NARCISSIST extracts as much personal information from you as he can as soon as he meets you. Be warned though, EVERYTHING you say, CAN and WILL, be used against you at some point in time. Indeed, much of what you have shared in INTIMACY with your NARCISSIST will become HIS rod to beat you with.

You wish that you had never shared those details with him, you realize that you have been so sincere with him. What is the problem with that? None, of course, when you are EXCHANGING your life, your INTIMATE thoughts and FEELINGS, with a NORMAL, ADULT, HUMAN male!

The NARCISSIST is anything other than a NORMAL, ADULT, HUMAN male. The NARCISSIST is a traumatized child who has not been able to grow into full adulthood because he had no male guide or female guide to teach him how to be an adult. Because sadly, one or both of his parents were traumatized children trapped in adult bodies too!

The family chains of in-bred NARCISSISM where typically it is the male who becomes the MALIGNANT NARCISSIST and the female HIS INTIMATE, HIS kicking post, HIS punch bag, HIS slave, HIS sexual tool, HIS toxic off-load receptor. HIS whore and HIS mother. Just as they say in Spain, su PUTA MADRE, his whore mother.

THE NARCISSIST SEEMS TO HAVE ALL YOUR ANSWERS!

The first week spent with this new NARCISSIST flew by with HIS INTENSE LOVE-BOMBING campaign. Having ruined my prospects of having a baby-sitter for my nephew, I could not go back to my evening job. But what do you know? HIS secretary was leaving at the end of the month and he would be happy to take me on in her place!

What of course, he failed to tell me was that his secretary was a member of his wife´s family. She was leaving because of his ill treatment of the wife and she had not been paid for six months. (Her ill treatment too!) As usual, all the crucial details were left out. So, in fact you can see that he is now seeing how he can be the bringer of my new daytime employment; can´t you?

He actually needed a replacement, the timing could not have been better. NARCISSIST´S are very calculating. That is another NARCISSIST RED FLAG. Whatever favour or good deed that they appear to do for you, it is never just that. Oh, NO! It was a calculated move to benefit the NARCISSIST in some way. 

The NARCISSIST does NOTHING, but NOTHING willingly, if it does not benefit him directly or indirectly. Doing a good turn just because you can? NO! Mine is out right now doing just that! These people think he is a fairy godmother; it is so sick that it is not even funny. But after all the rings he has run around them, they would not believe his truth!!

Now, I had longed to be able to work daytime and as such be able to spend more time with my nephew. I missed him very much and I really enjoyed being with him more than anyone else. It never FELT like an obligation to give him my time and attention; I really enjoyed every minute that I spent with him. Every moment FELT so ENRICHING.

I adored my nephew. I could FEEL such a sense of KINDRED SPIRIT with this little boy and he was not going to grow up without knowing love and happiness. No, I would see that he had some stability at least in me. He would have that permanent psychological, emotional and physical support that my father had afforded me.

No, I would see that this precious little boy did not go the way of all the other little boys who have either been ABANDONED by their mother´s or who have suffered from PARENTAL NARCISSISTIC ABUSE. It was always my intention to offset all of the negatives that existed from day one of this lovely boy´s life.

None of it was his fault, he was not to blame for my grandmother´s failings as a mother, or my mother´s failings as a mother, or as his mother´s failings as a mother. NO! He was another INNOCENT victim of a NARCISSIST PARENT who ABANDONED him. He did not ask to be a victim and you can well believe that he did not WANT to be a victim either.

None of us do, that is why the abuse given to a child by their own parents, is the most psychologically damaging trauma of all those that we can suffer. Those two all important people in our lives, were anything but PERFECT. If we were HONEST with ourselves, we could say that they (the NARCISSISTIC ones), were absolute DEMONIC B*****DS. 

INHUMAN MONSTERS who seemed to have no kindly FEELINGS at all. If your own parent can treat you like that, they are not fit to be your parent. I recognized that my sister was not fit to be her son´s mother. I removed him from her for his own benefit; I believed.

So, having accepted this NARCISSIST´S offer of employment, I then mentioned some of the more obvious obstacles like, work permit, residency permit! Well, those who have read my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN, will know that I had spent a couple of years living and working (illegally) in Spain before.

I had tried to get the red tape sorted out; I had! So, I knew the procedure full well but what was always paramount was a legal work contract offered by a bona fide legal employer. That is what the NARCISSIST was offering me! Oh, YES! He seemed to have all my answers; he did!

Working daytime was something that I longed to do, I really did not want to do the night shifts anymore. Barcelona was and is, a very violent, rough place to be at night. I was always uneasy and always anxious to get back to this town by the beach that I had chosen deliberately because having lived in Paris and London, I did not want city living for a child! 

Photo by Paulo Bendadi on Unsplash. THE NARCISSIST RED FLAGS ARE NUMEROUS!

WE SEEMED TO BE ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH???! CIRCUMSTANIAL KINDRED SPIRITS!

How many of you can say the same. That you really began to FEEL that this person was understanding you so well because he was listening to you and as the good human being that he was, as well as being so taken with you and your glittering personality, that he was very much in tune with you as a personality type.

We seemed to be on the same wavelength! Well, we were not and we will never be, on the same wavelength. For this simple reason. He is NARCISSIST and I am INFJ type, probably the most opposite in character to the NARCISSIST, of all the clinically defined personality types. 

But of course, at that precise moment in time, you are unwittingly and unknowingly, KINDRED SPIRITS. Let me explain, as I have only just this minute seen this with such clarity. I was STRUGGLING and emotionally ABANDONED. I was out on a limb from my family and I was now living my NARCISSIST sister´s ABANDONMENT of her son.

My new life as I knew it in London with my sister, nephew and her partner, had all come crashing down. I had left on a temporary basis but now found myself and my nephew being pushed away. She was closing the door on us! The emotional door that is!

I was trying to pull pieces together to create a picture that I had never had in mind. I had my nephew and me at the centre of this new picture and everything from there on was intended to provide a solid framework for his picture, hopefully filling this framework in time with many beautiful and happy FEELINGS, shapes and colours.

My own self was put aside. I had to concentrate on trying to grow up finally and become a responsible parent to this child. He deserved a responsible parent. We all do! I was probably the most unlikely candidate for the task of responsible parenting but this precious child had no one else and neither did I, I FELT at that moment in time!

If the NARCISSIST had told me the truth at that time, would I not have seen that he was in exactly the same circumstances as me? His new life with wife and children, his new adopted family, his new business, his new car, his new found INDEPENDENCE; as he believed it. Sadly, all of this had been acquired thanks to the leverage of the wife´s family!!!

He had been the receiver of a very healthy "leg up!" He was not INDEPENDENT at any moment. He was now being ISOLATED from all those who had been thinking that all was hunky dory in that marriage but she had spoken out. Told her truth! She was living with an abuser and she wanted him out of her life.

She had managed to push him out but he kept coming back. She had stuck to her guns though and had the support of her family withdrawn from him. This NARCISSIST´S FALSE-SELF was being exposed to ALL the neighbourhood, everyone who knew him and his own family and his adopted family. She had mounted a SMEAR CAMPAIGN against him, he told me.

No, she was spreading the truth of her NARCISSIST husband. All of this I was to learn from his daughter in later years. He played the wife as the NARCISSIST who had made life HELL for him. Knowing my mother and sister´s NARCISSISTIC behaviour with their sentimental partners, well, I pitied him; I did!

He was struggling to find money. He had to find somewhere else to live. He was in the proverbial DIRE STRAITS! He was in a transitional phase of his life that he had not planned. All his decisions were now being made anew. He had not planned to divorce her, that would mean divorcing her family, his patrons!!

Having grown his ego off the back of this family, he had come up some from his grotty family situation. Now he was back out on his "INDEPENDENT" own and looking for someone to LATCH on to. Like the parasite that the NARCISSIST is, they cannot survive without another human being to FEED off.

There is another RED FLAG of NARCISSISM. If you are emotionally VULNERABLE (as I was at that time) and circumstantially VULNERABLE (as I was at that time), you are far more ready to take that helping hand which you deem is being held out to you by a KINDRED SPIRIT.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY!

Who can see now that they were CIRCUMSTANTIALLY compatible with their NARCISSIST male when they met them for the first time? And can now see that as two characters you were never compatible, were you?

The NARCISSIST´S FALSE-SELF, which was being presented as a mature, responsible, pro-active living male, was just the kind of companion that I was NEEDING at that very VULNERABLE moment in my life. I recognized that I was trying to be just as my NARCISSIST´S FALSE-SELF myself and was failing.

You can see how HE recognized himself in me because he was suffering from his own errors of judgement. HE was a FAILED male. But I did not see that, did I? NO! He did show me glimpses of a far from happy childhood and that was maybe what was decisive for me.

He was my KINDRED SPIRIT in that he came from a disregulated family home. He also spoke of his low life father, the good for nothing who had never been able to give his children any opportunties for growth and learning. I FELT sorry for him and knew that he had been deprived of true love and affection.

So, HIS rise to better days, HIS business, HIS designer label clothes, HIS new car and HIS restaurant/bar life-style, was testimony to HIS will to grow and be better than HIS miserable father who was wallowing in abject poverty. 

"I am going to be better than you! Just watch! And you won´t ever see me again! You will get nothing from me!" Surely he would have said something along those lines to his father on leaving home for the first and only time! My NARCISSIST mother will have done the same, just as my NARCISSIST sister DID!!!!

But I was not wrong about his will to grow and his NEED to prove something to his father, was I? No, I was not wrong in recognizing that he had come into better days. But I did think as he was telling me, that all of that was his own hard work. It was not! The DUPLICITY was there straight away.

The NARCISSIST lives a DOUBLE LIFE permanently as I was to find out much later. Their DUPLICITY is another one of their RED FLAGS and I will talk more on that further on. Bearing in mind that I haven´t got through the first week spent with this male NARCISSIST, just look at all of the RED FLAGS flying already?????!!!!

Thank you all for reading me again today. You may find it useful to go back to Page 1 of the UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM Posts and read this series of posts all relating to my passage through a life littered with NARCISSISTS. I will continue with more RED FLAGS in the next post.

Have a great day.