EACH NARCISSISTIC ERA HAS AN END!

THERE WAS NO MORE GOING BACK AND SO THE GOING NOWHERE FAST CYCLE THAT IS THE NARCISSIST´S LIFE-STYLE; BECAME FULLY MINE! POST NO.38/N (An 8 minute read)

I will never know what may or may not have happened during my month spent in England nursing my elder sister to her death. From a distance, the NARCISSIST was still toxically selfish on the phone each night.

He did not ask once how I was or how my sister was, or maybe even how my nephew was!!! Oh, no! It was all about HIM. HE had been abandoned and was having to fend for himself. And of course, as you might expect; he could not cope!

I knew that I could have done well without his daily calls. I had my family to cope with and we were all dealing with a tragic situation. I did not NEED to be explaining how the washing machine worked and how to light a gas ring! He was fifty-two years old!!!!

As soon as I hung up, I would return to my post by my sister´s bedside and put him completely out of my mind until the next evening when he would call again. I knew that I loved my home village and that I had been missing it very deeply.

Somehow I knew also that my future was now changing beyond all recognition. Just as the NARCISSIST had been (falsely) my tower of support whilst I was heavily grieving my father´s death, so was he soon to make a dramatic endeavour to show himself once again as my (false) tower of support.

WITH VICTORY ALMOST ASSURED; THE NARCISSIST CAN BE PATIENT! 

He flew over by himself for the funeral and I don´t think that I would have had the mental, physical or emotional strength to have got on a plane bound for Spain if he had not been there. At the same time it seemed to me as though there would be no future for me at home anymore.

Somewhere in my mind, I had always FELT that I would return home to live again one day. On returning back to Barcelona, having cried all the way, the familiarity of our surroundings seemed to provide a FEELING of security.

The NARCISSIST seemed to represent CONTINUITY and DIRECTION. How wrong have I been? I so wanted to believe that he would step up to becoming the man that he had always led me to believe that he was.

I can see how he has been able to use my emotional VULNERABILITY and my own family´s NARCISSISM, to make me completely DEPENDENT on him emotionally. My own tremendously, fragile emotional state has been his pass key to my domination.

Even as I have been reeling and twisting in emotional pain and psychological torture, he has been able to see that I have absolutely no one in my life who genuinely cares about my psychological well-being. It had always been the same for me, excepting the love and dedication of my late father!

The rock and the hard place!! Out of the frying pan and into the fire!!! The answer has been there all the time and yet it is the one answer that I do not want to be the correct one. I have to find my complete and total INDEPENDENCE from every NARCISSIST in my life!

No more CO-DEPENDENCY! No more "perceived" DEPENDENCY! NO CONTACT with non-family and very LOW CONTACT with the NARCISSIST family members! That is the bottom line sad to say.

Whilst I am still embroiled in this ugly relationship, I am making progress in HEALING. I am looking forward to finishing this round up of a toxic NARCISSISTIC relationship and starting to concentrate on my HEALING FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE writing.

I am nearly there!!!! In my absence, our previously good relationship with the surviving member of our downstairs family from hell, had taken a turn for the worse. To put it in a nutshell, all of a sudden he seemed to have decided to make life very uncomfortable for the NARCISSIST.

Skipping over the surface, our home became like a war zone. What our neighbour had over the NARCISSIST I will never know but what I did know was that he had the NARCISSIST in a very heightened state of ANXIETY.

He was baiting and baiting the NARCISSIST. He was holding something over the NARCISSIST. I am not going to bother myself thinking about what that may have been but in short, after having lived for the last fifteen years in this place, all of a sudden we had to be moving on!!!! 

NO REMOVAL VANS FOR US! Photo by Tobias Tullius on Unsplash.

MOVING AGAIN!!!

I am going to spare you all the miserable details of this next move except that I now found myself with my signature on a mortgage for 300,000€, together with his name and a crazy monthly repayment for the next fifteen years.

There had been no way that I could talk him out of it. He bullied me so hard that I succumbed but I knew that this was a truly disastrous move. Yes the place was nice and that was the deal. Now with few designer clothes left, he had to be seen to be moving up in the world!!!!

We had barely been six months in this new home when all S**T hit the fan, as we say. He had been systematically baiting and baiting my nephew. "Don´t take the bait!" I would keep telling him. Just two months after moving in, the NARCISSIST found himself without work.

He was going out of his mind with FEAR and worry. He didn´t have an income and now we were in big trouble. I got myself on a course at the airport which was really hard going and with the arguing and shouting going on in the home, it was a new HELL!!

One afternoon my nephew could take no more and finally took the NARCISSIST´S bait and swung for him. I quickly got in between them and just laid into the NARCISSIST myself. I hated him at that moment and I have not stopped hating him since.

At the time I did not realize that this was all pre-meditated. He had my sister out of his way, now he just needed to push my nephew out of his way too and he would have my energies all for his own use. I suggested that my nephew stay with a friend for a few days while things calmed down, which he did.

The NARCISSIST would not have him back! "He is old enough to look after himself! He should be INDEPENDENT by now!" Listen to the HYPOCRISY of the NARCISSIST. Fortunately my nephew was a lot better prepared for INDEPENDENT life than the NARCISSIST ever was and as such, he has never seen the NARCISSIST again.

I asked him to consider now going back home but he would not consider that and I had to accept that I had brought him here as a four year old, this was home to him. I knew that I could not just abandon him and leave myself. I begged and pleaded with him but to no avail and I had to understand his reasons too.

How, I will never really know but I managed to pass all the stages of my course and was offered a job as check-in/boarding agent at El Prat, Barcelona airport. I was quite chuffed actually. It was essential that I worked as money had to come from somewhere but my wage was never enough to keep up with our new cost of living!!

The NARCISSIST took up taxi driving and found a night shift to start with. We barely saw each other and that suited me; it did! The financial pressure and struggle each and every month was strangling. I got fired and two days later he was picked up for drink driving!!!! 

After just three and a half years, the mortgage game was up and we had to jump ship before it crashed on the rocks. Leaving the greater part of our possessions on the path outside, we made a deal with a former neighbour (who was a transport driver), to take us and all that would fit in his van, down south to my mother´s place!!!!

And here I am, that being nine and a half years ago now!! I had never wanted to bring him here and it is hard to see how I will be able to SEPARATE and INDIVIDUATE from him given the circumstances. Sadly, there is no possiblity of a normal separation.

There is no possibility of an abnormal separation either; he does not want to go of course!!! Hence my NEED to strengthen myself emotionally, psychologically and physically, ready to do battle with my demon, because YES, I have got to drive him out of my life somehow!!

Thank you for reading and please come back again. I will be starting a new page of posts next explaining all the wounds and injuries sustained from life with a NARCISSIST and how to begin HEALING once and for all from NARCISSISTIC ABUSE. Take care and have a great day.