RADICAL ACCEPTANCE LEADS TO HEALING

HAVE I HEALED AT ALL? AM I HEALING OR AM I ON THE RIGHT PATH TO HEALING? HOW TO HEAL AND RECOVER FULL HEALTH AGAIN? POST NO.1/H  (A 15 minute read)

Is it actually possible to heal from long-term, sustained NARCISSISTIC ABUSE? That is a very loaded question of course but as a life-long victim of NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, I have to believe that YES, it is possible to heal and become a healthy, happy, harmonious human being once more!

One question we should all ask ourselves is, "Have I been a healthy, happy, harmonious human being at any time in my life?" As I have found through examining my own life and close relationships with my family and other contacts, I can honestly say that NO, I have rarely FELT like a healthy, happy, harmonious human being.

Even as I wrote my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN, I think I knew already that there were many underlying issues that were ongoing and many bad FEELINGS unresolved. Even as I sung my mother´s praises for her guidance in my early childhood years, I could also hear an echo of my lamenting and my elder sister´s lamenting throughout our post childhood years.

What were we always lamenting? We were always lamenting our mother´s lack of APPRAISAL!!!! We were both trying systematically to achieve our mother´s APPROVAL always and were never able to gain it. I could see that I had myself, long stopped waiting for my mother´s APPROVAL (or so I thought) and was happy to gain the APPROVAL of my father, teachers and friends in those years of life.

Not so my elder sister and even in the last days of her life, recently graduated from university as she was, she was still hoping for our mother´s APPROVAL and APPRAISAL. Sadly, she died waiting for that which she most desired.

I have been waiting for the APPRAISAL and APPROVAL of a male NARCISSIST partner for twenty-nine years thus far and I must now know and accept that I will never receive either from him because he is incapable of EVALUATING an intelligent, caring human being whose greatest wish is to grow into a healthy, happy, harmonious human being. 

Just as my mother´s measuring stick was not long enough to EVALUATE mine and my sister´s achievements, neither is his!! And as such, we were both waiting in vain always; weren´t we? Wanting EVALUATION from a person who we had previously held in such high esteem and yet never wanted to admit that we had JUDGED them all wrong!!!

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE!!

The very first step towards the path to HEALING from NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, is the RADICAL ACCEPTANCE that you are being ABUSED by someone who supposedly loves you and who you supposedly love too.

Because we are TRAUMA BONDED to our NARCISSIST ABUSER, they are both our ROCK and our HARD PLACE. One moment they are providing you with "some" of what you NEED and the next they are trying to bring you down emotionally, psychologically and in the worst cases; physically too.

That is the pattern of a NARCISSISTIC ABUSER as I have spent much time explaining. It is because they have just had another splurge of breaking you down and you have pulled back from them, that their insecurities are provoked. "Have I pushed her TOO far this time? Will she have the courage to leave me?"

Hence the sudden swing back to MR/MRS. NICE GUY/GIRL. Before you have the chance to start thinking clearly and making plans to get out of this awful situation, they turn on the charm again, that old LOVE BOMBING once more. Or HOOVERING as I prefer to call it, trying to suck you back into that FALSE sense of security!

Because YES, that is what you must see and accept. They are only NICE after they have been HIDEOUS, if they continued being HIDEOUS all the time, you would have never stayed around as long as you have. You must see the NARCISSIST´S CYCLE and accept that you are not in a healthy relationship!!!

Is there any happiness in this union? Only when he is being nice, that is to say when he is HOOVERING you, usually just a few days after heavily abusing you and leaving you emotionally crippled. No, you are not in a happy relationship!!!

Do you have harmony in your home and contact with your partner? Only when he is treating you nicely which is of course, always after treating you badly and you are just so relieved that he has calmed down, that you accept this new peace with gratitude. No, you are not in a harmonious relationship!!

You are putting up with the worst treatment from your partner that you have ever received from anyone that you have ever known!!! You CANNOT continue to FEEL love, or have perceived FEELINGS of love, towards someone who wants only your destruction.

You are unhappy almost all the time and you know all the reasons why. YES!!! He is the root cause of most of your unhappiness. Add to his hideous treatment of you, his permanent blocking of your personal growth, that then ensures that your state of stagnancy leaves you entirely miserable. That is part of his ultimate goal!!!

You are as opposing as is possible for two people to be! The two opposite extremes and how do two complete opposites find a point of harmony? By one party (you), spending all their time in the opposing camp in an attempt to keep the other quite! By one party (you), going against your natural grain to placate the other.

There is no harmony possible with a NARCISSIST, only breadcrumb living. Which leads to a severe loss of personal integrity and that destroys your own internal harmony as well. You are completely out of synchronicity within your own self and that is another part of the NARCISSIST´S ultimate goal. 

The NARCISSIST´S aim is to cause you to hate yourself primarily through your loss of your INTEGRITY. Through all of the concessions that you give him, you hate yourself more and more. You know that you wouldn´t take this S**T from anyone else and so why take it from him? The lesser of the evils is the answer to that I´m afraid to say. 

YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR BEING WRONG! Photo by Bailey Burton on Unsplash.

BORDER LINES AND NARCISSISTS; THE ULTIMATE TRAUMA BONDING!!!

Do any in depth research and you will soon discover that those emotionally traumatized children like myself, make IDEAL partners for the NARCISSIST. I as an INFJ type by birth, run off FEELINGS and INTUITION, I have to confess that I possess little common sense, sad to say!!!

The continual tugging of two parents, one healthy and one NARCISSIST, leads you to a BORDER LINE status at best and NARCISSIST status at worst! I recognize that almost everything that I do in my life today, is not of my own choosing. The reason why my writing and this blog are so important to me. I have chosen to become an author, no one else has forced me to do so!

Did I think of myself as a BORDER LINE case? Not officially speaking, I didn´t! But oh, YES!!! My whole life now FEELS like I am permanently trying to get off the fence. Which fence? That metaphoric border between where you have to be and where you want to be, is what that fence is!

An INFJ type can never want to be in the NARCISSIST´S camp; OH, NO!!!! But when there is no hope of living permanently in the HEALTHY camp, striking the middle road or sitting on the fence; seems about the best I can hope for ever! At least I can see the HEALTHY camp from my vantage point atop the fence!!

I can also turn my back on the NARCISSIST´S camp and you know what they say; "Out of sight, out of mind!" How true that saying is!!! Never losing sight of where I want to be. It is like the two sides of light and dark, stagnancy or vibrancy, life and death.

One side, the NARCISSIST camp, just going through their circular motions everyday, their only objective being maintaining their FALSE-SELF´S existence. They are all just waiting for death to swallow them up. No one prepared them for life and knowledge of how to live a fulfilling, satisfying, enriching life at that!!!!

I was taught and prepared for living a fulfilling, satisfying, enriching life! I knew the side of life and have always wanted to be a permanent liver on the side of life. The side which allows for growth and change. The side that is always moving and progressing.

The NARCISSIST is always looking for a candidate just like me. A person who has all the knowledge and know how that they don´t have. They are deficient in every aspect of living and literally NEED a guide to teach them how human beings go about living.

Sadly though, the NARCISSIST will only peep over the fence and look on enviously at the human side of life where growth is happening and that terrifies them. "I can´t grow; no one taught me how to!" That FEAR of being discovered on the human side of the fence only grows with age and decay.

Therefore the desire to set foot on the side of life; is zero! "Only when I cannot possibly avoid it!" Every time that I have taken him over the fence with the intention of spending time away from the NARCISSIST camp of decay and misery, he has back-fired in a big way. He cannot cope with the human world!!! 

NO ONE TAUGHT THE NARCISSIST TO BE HUMAN! Photo by Susan Q Yin on Unsplash.

RECOGNIZING YOUR OWN REALITY!

You have to be able to recognize the absolute reality of yourself and your actual situation, in order to look for the path back to INTEGRITY. Because that is the path that you are looking for! That is the path that you are wishing to tread again! That is YOUR path! You have been DRIVEN involuntarily down a path that you would never have chosen willingly.

That is why he had to trick you all the way along! YOU WENT WILLINGLY INTO HIS SHARED FANTASY whereby he was going to exist at your expense. Knowing the REAL offer; who would ever say YES?????

You have been wrong! You were duped! But you also saw a whole load of RED FLAGS that you were familiar with and still went on to ignore!!!! You have to admit your part in this whole ugly MASQUERADE! You stepped willingly onto the stage, although fair enough, you thought that you would have some artistic freedom within; didn´t you?

That is where we ALL got it wrong; didn´t we? There was only ever one director and one script writer; the NARCISSIST. Everyone else just had to play their parts on cue!!!! "I HATE him!!!!" I will say it again. "I HATE him!" And I also HATE myself for having ENABLED this systematic abuse of myself for so long. So long as to have become isolated from any living human being!

HEALING from NARCISSISTIC ABUSE will only be possible when you realize that you are on your own. You have no one to turn to, you have no support from anywhere, if you cannot find yourself a way out; then in NARCISSIST HELL you will stay.

There has been so much damage caused. The psychological, the emotional and the physical, yet I FEEL now that I must take part of the blame myself. I should have walked away in the first week of the relationship. I should have walked away every time that I was ABUSED. I used to run away from home when my mother was in a HATING mode.

But I wasn´t alone; was I? I had the responsibility of a child (my nephew) and his well being became my priority. The lesser of the evils; I admit it! The NARCISSIST male that I have lived with for twenty-nine years has FELT like the preferable evil of all the evils that I have in my close circle and so sadly, still does!!!

NO CONTACT OR LOW CONTACT!

You have to admit that you have family members who are NARCISSIST and who have ABUSED you systematically throughout your life time. NARCISSISTIC ABUSE has been your NORM since you can remember!

Also though, I can remember that it has been my life-long goal to find REAL human beings like myself or at least how I used to consider myself! An aspiring human being, that is to say!! My first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN tells the story of my whole life lived to date and reveals that underlying NEED of mine to find REAL human beings.

Those people who were not wearing FALSE FACADES but who were genuine people whose word actually meant something! And I did find a whole continent full of them! AFRICA!!!!! No one even so much as encouraged me to go travelling on the African continent. Quite the contrary in fact. "You can´t go travelling there by yourself!"

The ignorance of NARCISSISTIC MAN-KIND is their greatest downfall. It is their great stumbling block. Their DENIAL of the human being is purely NARCISSIST. "If we DENY the existence of a superior HUMANOID, that means we must accept that we are the INFERIOR breed of HUMANOID."

That is what we NEED to address once and for all. We cannot all be dictated to by NARCISSISTS/MAN-KIND, that inferior being who at best, is a reflection of a REAL human being. But if few of us are allowed to exist and grow as our authentic selves and only the propogation of MAN-KIND is supported, then is it not obvious why the world is being pushed of its natural axial tilt?

First and foremost, I have to find my emotional, psychological and physical health, strength and well-being. Without those three together; I am VULNERABLE! I am in a position of great VULNERABILITY right now but I am resolved psychologically to survive this HELL and come out the other end in fine health!

I will come to a day where I can LIVE, WORK and BREATHE in HEALTH, HAPPINESS and HARMONY. My every thought and action must now be directed to my health because without my health in tact, VULNERABILITY will be mine and that reeks of CO-DEPENDENCY.

Thank you for reading again today. In the next post I will begin outlining the actual damage caused by a long-term relationship with a NARCISSIST partner and share with you ALL, the online therapists who have become as life-lines to me, here in my isolation and explain to you some of the strategies for HEALING from NARCISSISTIC ABUSE.

Lovely to have some new readers from Bulgaria, you are so welcome. And a warm greeting to you dear friends from Israel. NARCISSISM being displayed to the letter over your way; isn´t it? One leader with a personal death wish and so many vested interests that see the blinkers appearing on western leaders eyes. I wish you all peace and safety and keep believing that the human beings will prevail over all doers of evil; we always have and we always will!!