NARCISSISTS AND SLEEP DEPRIVATION!

THE NARCISSIST IS A TORTURED BEING WHO DOES NOT EASILY FIND PEACE ENOUGH TO SLEEP WELL! AND NEITHER WILL YOU SLEEP TONIGHT, MY DEAR!!! POST NO.2/H  (A 15 minute read)

Hello and a very good morning to you ALL and I can only hope that it is a good morning for you all wherever you may be around the world. But with so much conflict ongoing on planet Earth today, as almost every day throughout the days of MAN-KIND, maybe it will be anything but a good morning for you. My heartFELT wishes I send to you.

Any who have read my two published books ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN and ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT, will have noticed the number of times that I refer to sleep and disturbed sleep and my mixed up sleeping patterns. How my sleeping patterns determined in what mental and physical condition I would find myself in on that particular day.

Would I have the mental, emotional and physical strength to get through this new day, bearing in mind that none of the tasks that awaited me, had been brought about by me myself? I lived around my male NARCISSIST partner and my nephew. Everything that I had to do, whether indoors or out, was connected directly to one or the other of them.

I didn´t have a life of my own and I didn´t have to run errands for myself. I didn´t keep creating issues that needed resolving in tiresome ways. I didn´t have the TIME for thinking of myself and my emotional/psychological well-being. It was all I could do to keep my physical well-being maintained, given that each new evening would see my next day´s agenda lining up!!!

I could barely cope with all of these stressful actions that I had to undertake on behalf of the NARCISSIST or my nephew. What I knew deep inside always I think, is that I would never have had to be in that particular place or situation, speaking to those particular people, if it had not been for the actions of the NARCISSIST or my nephew!

To say that I was permanently dragging my feet through each and every day; is the truth! I have honestly admitted that I have had to crawl back into bed after they had left for the morning. I hadn´t had enough sleep yet to be able to begin my day!! They had!!

As such, it has become a rare thing for me to actually see any of the morning at all. Not even twelve o´clock midday!!!! Sleeping by day and ruminating by night!!!! How I have HATED this life style of mine and how I have FELT that each and every day has been about nothing at all.

But to find out that SLEEP DEPRIVATION is another one of the NARCISSIST´S weapons for breaking you down and that he starts using it from day one, is quite a shocking discovery to me. SLEEP DEPRIVATION is one of the most powerful strategies that ALL NARCISSISTS use. It is astounding to think that your "sentimental partner" actually tries to get you into a zombified state, but it is true.

THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION BEGINS ON NIGHT ONE!!

It sure does and I can still remember clearly the very first night that I spent with the male NARCISSIST. He, even the following morning, had no recollection of the greater part of the night!!! So, right from the word "GO", he is completely unaware of the disturbance that he is causing you. Or at least, that is how I was thinking initially.

He snored and snored and snored but it wasn´t just snoring, oh, no! He actually kept stopping breathing. I was terrified! We had consumed vast amounts of alcohol that night and I actually thought that he was about to have a heart attack. I was in a state of panic, longing to switch off myself but given the noise levels and the intermittent silences; I couldn´t switch off.

By and large though, in those first few weeks together, we continued to consume vast amounts of alcohol and I would go out like the proverbial light once laid horizontal. Indeed that is all I usually need in order to fall asleep. 

If I lay horizontal at the beach; I will fall asleep. If I am laying horizontal on the sun lounger; I will fall asleep. If I am stretched out horizontal on the settee; I will fall asleep. So, following suit, if I am laying on a comfortable bed in a horizontal position; then I will surely be able to fall asleep in moments.

The same cannot be said for the sitting position though, not at all, whilst sitting I am alert and wanting to function. Only when completely physically exhausted, or totally bored, do I fall asleep in a sitting position.

Noise levels are relevant too! Some sounds I can easily switch off from but maybe it is voices which prevent me from drifting away peacefully. In the case of droning, boring voices though, they can actually induce a switch off from the ACTUAL in order to find peace in the VIRTUAL!!

Since I can remember, I have loved sleeping and I still do. I recognize just how much I enjoy sleeping and it is when I am sleeping that I am in my most happy state of mind. Cut off from my FALSE life and wandering freely in my WOULD BE life! Cut off from the NARCISSIST and completely SOLO again!

The NARCISSIST couldn´t be more opposite to me. The NARCISSIST doesn´t live through the waking day with peace of mind and it is only the continuous INTROJECTS from people´s voices and actions, that keeps them distracted from their own internal voice. Which of course, is the one that will be telling them their REAL truth; the voice that ultimately they want to drown out!!

You see there the total contrast to most of us who FEEL the need to escape from all of the actions and voices of others, so that we can concentrate of hearing our own internal voice for a while. We are wanting to break temporarily with the doings and sayings of others and give ourselves room for our own thoughts and FEELINGS.

The NARCISSIST wants to drown out his internal voice because he doesn´t like what it says and uses external voices to achieve that. Those like myself, want to drown out the external voices and concentrate on our internal voice.

The NARCISSIST can sleep within moments sat in front of the television. Gripping the remote control tightly for FEAR that someone may disturb his "PEACE", rather like a child clutches a soft toy in sleep for the companionship. There is an inbuilt FEAR of being alone whilst in a VULNERABLE state.

Because YES, we are all VULNERABLE when we are asleep. I explained in my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN about my interrupted and disturbed nights of sleep in childhood. They were always provoked by things said, done or seen, that I hadn´t been able to understand the meaning of and therefore I hadn´t been able to process them! 

I had unanswered questions, unresolved issues and in the dark, silent night time, my own voice would ring out loud and clear! Indeed it would be all that I could hear as well as the replays of the things said, done and seen that I hadn´t processed. Therefore, my mind couldn´t settle all the day´s pieces into place, leaving a clear picture in my mind.

Peace of mind is what is needed for a good, long, deep sleep and the NARCISSIST suffers in the same way as this INFJ type did in childhood. The silence offers no comfort to the NARCISSIST! The voices start bombarding him. Voices from today, yesterday and from many years ago too. All of them torturing and twisting him in some way.

When we settled into our first home together and I began to move around the timetable of the NARCISSIST partner and my nephew, so too did the quantities of alcohol consumed by me, reduce dramatically. (Thank goodness for that!!) Without the alcohol induced stupor, I was now constantly aware of the continuous "snoring" of my new partner!

I had never heard anything like this before! He would literally stop breathing for a few moments and then seem to explode, gasping for breath. I will tell you all now, though I had to wait another ten, YES, TEN years, before I could get him confirmed as a SLEEP APNEA sufferer!

You want to believe that I suffered from broken sleep in a dramatic way. After my elder sister´s first stay with us, she commented on this strange sleep pattern and we both FELT convinced that this was way beyond simple snoring!

On her next visit she brought with her a woman´s magazine which had an article on SLEEP APNEA. "What do think, sister? Sounds just like him; doesn´t it?" And yes, it did spell this condition out in black and white that I was witnessing myself and of course, having to suffer big time! 

I HAVE SPENT MORE HOURS SLEEPING ON THE SOFA THAN SITTING ON IT!!! Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash.

YOU CAN´T SLEEP UNTIL I CAN!!!

This SLEEP APNEA condition of the NARCISSIST´S, made a full night´s undisturbed sleep in my bed absolutely impossible. To begin with, HE had to sit and sleep in front of the TV until the late night film had finished!!! The moment he settled into the settee after dinner, he would fall asleep. But did he make much noise whilst sleeping in front of the TV? NO, is the answer to that!

His chin would fall down onto his chest and by doing that, the airwaves would be stretched open and therefore, he had no obstruction to his rhythmic breathing pattern. I tried going off to bed, leaving him on the settee. "Stuff him, I thought. I don´t need to watch this hideous film. I´m going to bed!"

Quickly I would drop off to sleep but within a short space of time, banging and crashing would bring me round and my pulse would speed up. The light would go on and he would start his ranting and raging. "How dare I go to bed and leave him ALONE with his TV? Why didn´t I wake him up?"

Well, that had been my first line of action; hadn´t it? I had already tried that and NO, "I´m watching this film! You don´t tell me when to go to bed!" I HATED this; I really did! If he had watched even one of these films I could have accepted it better maybe. But he was fast asleep; damn him!

SLEEP DEPRIVATION is part of the SELFISH, THOUGHTLESS, INCONSIDERATE abusive treatment strategy of the NARCISSIST. He knows that you are longing to get to bed and switch off from your reality, hence he finds the way to prevent you from sleeping as and when you wish to do.

Knowing personally just how important and enjoyable sleep is to me, I would never even consider keeping someone up and awake who was wanting to sleep. I would certainly never wake someone up who was sleeping peacefully unless I had been asked to do so at a certain time. NO!!! I could never be so SELFISH, THOUGHTLESS and INCONSIDERATE towards another person.

As you get to see though living with a male NARCISSIST, this becomes a very regular occurrence, indeed you could say that this occurs most nights, if not ALL!!!! So, first up let´s see this RED FLAG billowing in front of our faces.

HE does not give a damn about you and your well-being!! You can see that clearly because he never even so much as apologizes for this disturbance and unpleasant outbursts in the early hours of the morning. And of course, let us not overlook for one minute that these hideous actions are not one offs, they are systematic.

Bearing in mind that SLEEP DEPRIVATION is commonly used as a TORTURE tactic by our governments (amongst others), as are bright lights for tired eyes, can you see that these are not the actions of a person who cares deeply about you? Quite the opposite in truth! He HATES you so much that he is prepared to TORTURE you into SUBMISSION!

Mr. Danish Bashir was one of the first online therapists that I listened to and his clear, straightforward language makes so much sense to me. This is a link to one of his posts where he explains the reasons why the NARCISSIST messes with your sleep: WHY DO NARCISSISTS DESTROY YOUR SLEEP?

So, my second line had been to leave him to sleep, as I got such a mouth full of abusive language for having dared to DISTURB him when I did try the first line of action. This would sadly backfire too, of course. I would be moving into DEEP SLEEP zone to be yanked out of it by an aggressive, snarling male NARCISSIST who couldn´t bear to see my peace and WITHOUT him.

I didn´t NEED him for a peaceful sleep environment. How could I DARE to go to sleep without his company? Having been at peace and now wrenched into emotional and psychological turmoil, you can well believe that I was brought fully awake and functioning again.

With that, he would go to sleep and start the night process of intermittent breathing that is SLEEP APNEA. From thereon it would be nigh on impossible for me to get back to sleep. Bearing in mind that this was now 1am and the alarm clock would be ringing at 6.40am, I could see already just what a struggle this new day would be and as such, didn´t want it even from the off!

The hours spent on the settee trying to get a little sleep in, were always very bitter hours for me. Far too often though, he would wake and on finding me missing; guess what? He would come and wake me up and insist that I, "Come back to bed!" And the same process would kick off again.

There was no point trying to sleep before him. He would wake me up and perturb me severely, making sleep so difficult. Even trying to go to sleep with him, his SLEEP APNEA condition made such extreme sounds as to make sleeping for more than two or three minutes at a time absolutely impossible.

I gave up trying to sleep in bed with him and I gave up trying to sleep before him. He was winning already and he knew it! Another quick video from Mr. Danish Bashir to round up today´s post, because as I said above, woe betide you wake the NARCISSIST out of his sleep!!! SLEEP DEPRIVATION BY A NARCISSIST

Many thanks to you for reading me today and in the next post I will continue to discuss the long-term effects of SLEEP DEPRIVATION and tell you all where I am at now with sleeping with my own worst enemy. Should any of you care to comment I would be overjoyed to hear your thoughts and views. 

May you pass this evening in peace and also get a good night´s sleep!!