GOING SOLO! A NEW ERA BEGINS!

IF YOU CANNOT FIND ANYONE GOING YOUR WAY ......... THEN WILL YOU NOT HAVE TO GO IT ALONE? Post No.32 (A 17 minute read) 

The answer to that question for me was YES! The drive was so great! It was my deception at the shallowness and narrow mindedness of my own fellow country MEN in particular, but also a very large percentage of my senior fellow country WOMEN too. The friendships made during student years had all fizzled out as each had continued along their chosen paths and my own sentimental relationship was clearly now coming towards its end date too.

Hello and a very good morning to you ALL, wherever you are in this world today reading, guess what? WE HAVE ALL MADE IT THROUGH TO THE END OF ANOTHER YEAR!! I have just had my birthday and am now officially 57 years of age. Not that that has changed anything at all! I have been absent with MY OWN leave!!! Yes, I have had a TURBULENT month, I have. Emotional turbulence is always the most draining of all the varied forms of turbulence.

I hope that ALL OF US INFJs who are TURBULENT can spend more of this New Year 2023 being ASSERTIVE. That is my New Year wish to each and every one of YOU, my readers.

This book is weighing me down and I need to cast it out to sea again, yet I am not half way through! There is nothing I find, like setting myself a plan, for becoming rebellious again! I cannot even stick to my own plans. Planning is not for me. I am nomadic or at least I should be between Buddhist monk and Nomad!

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT - GOING SOLO

Well, I had been trying for two years to encourage my guy to come to Morocco with me and once more, when the time came to making decisions, he let me down again. That is what I FELT at the time. Retrospect being what it is, I can now see that he was being true to himself and his interests and desires. He was not standing in the way of me and mine. That was why our relationship was so good and why it lasted as long as it did.

But when interest grows, it becomes desire and with desire comes passion. When you reach the level of passion, that is when the learning begins and the passion grows off the back of this new found knowledge or it begins to fade. That is how our relationships are in reality. If you do not share many interests and passions, then you will be doing much alone. Travelling alone is absolutely exhilarating! The first time around though can be trepidating.

"Stuff you then! I am going by myself!" I went off for my first solo trip abroad and for a whole month!! MOROCCO! It had to be MOROCCO! There was so much to learn there I knew. There was so much beauty there I already knew. It was so exotic and ALL needed exploring. I could answer questions here. That was what I FELT about MOROCCO. And I was right!!

I have not quoted myself from my book for a while and with this particular quote I wish to share with you just how a person and their character forms over their early years. Just how much of that is built upon the influences that they have personally near to hand and the opportunities that they have to explore and know more. I quote myself from this chapter twenty-eight of my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN:

My own father found himself stationed in North Africa whilst doing his mandatory stint in the Armed Forces. Indeed, his keep-sakes of Morocco were ever visible in our home. First up were his Moroccan `babouche´, the pointed leather men´s shoe. Moroccan men wear them every day and so wear through them pretty quick. My father wore his as slippers around the house and as we had carpets all over the house, well, I think I was coming on twenty when they finally left the home!!! Every day since I could remember coming in the front door, all the family´s slippers would be there and Dad´s white Moroccan `babouche´!

He would have me and my elder sister sat on his lap, recounting his tales of Morocco. My sister fell in love with the name `Morocco´ and would repeat it over and over. I was already Ali Baba and tales of Arabian nights! And of course, his `FEZ´, the red hat with the tassel, which sat on top of a couple of books on the book shelf. Now you see, the shop keeper of the costume shop where My Dear Friend and Guide to Life Mr. Benn, used to go and well, he wore babouche and a FEZ, so nothing strange there really!!

We so loved the tales of `Djellabas and Babouches´ as we would think of them. There was a blanket too, our permanent companion at the beach. It would be the first thing that my mother would do when we got onto the sands. Spread out Dad´s Moroccan blanket and off we go!! Beautiful days, beautiful Mum, beautiful Dad, beautiful sisters, beautiful dogs; beautiful memories. Sadly, though cameras were on sale in those days, it was costly developing photos and there may be many like me, who have photos from their childhood but possibly not as many as they could wish for!

Whilst your memory remains clear, you will always be able to view those pictures again and of course, if those who were the subjects of the picture are still in your life, you can all repaint the pictures anew. Happily, we do have some photos of that blanket at the beach! Actually, I think it may still be around!!! My elder sister had gone back to Morocco to visit her friend and had brought many Moroccan bits and pieces back which were always visible in her homes; very beautiful craft work!  End of quote.

Oh, yes, I had longed to get back to Morocco and here I was, with a whole month ahead of me. I had planned the whole route to my designs and it was my design to FEEL as much of these people and their country and culture as possible. The idea behind writing a book, is of course, that others may read your words! Amongst my needs of this trip were sand dunes, camels, Tuaregs, FEZ!!!! Djellabas and babouche! Souks and craft work! Wherever and however! I was in SPONGE MODE! All absorbent lest any not be clear what my sponge mode means!

Our expectations of a place can often be higher than what we actually experience. I went to experience the real flavour of the country and its people. I found that everything went way beyond what I had maybe expected to see but what I really had not expected, was all that I would FEEL during this month. A month in which I shed layers and grew within. I returned home with a very different outlook. I share with you something of my first visit to the magical city of FEZ, MOROCCO. I quote myself:

A five am bus took me southwards to Taza where I had lunch before heading on to Fez!! This was what I had really been waiting for! Ancient Arabia, the old walled city of Fez! Fez el Bali is to my mind, the most magical place that I have visited. It is to lose all of your senses! It is to forget who you are and who you were! All that you know is that you are now transforming, you are becoming someone else!

Your eyes have been blasted into vision, having had the European blinkers wrenched off your eyes, as happened at the first moment of that first foot step on Moroccan soil. Beauty, beauty and more beauty! Beautiful sights, smells and sounds everywhere! Even breathing has you inhaling this world of beauty and becoming intoxicated by it! Literally following your nose!

I could wax lyrical of this city and I shall go again. It needs at least a year to really understand it all. Lost, well, if you want to feel lost you can really begin to panic as you turn one way and another in these incredible walled labyrinths. New sights, smells and sounds everywhere you turn. But if you allow yourself the luxury of being happily lost, you will become completely absorbed in the day to day comings and goings of the local people. End of quote.

And of course, I continue to wax lyrical about Fez and the rest of this fantastic month of travel. It was a truly enriching month of travel and experiences. I take you further south in this quote and my first experience of the great Sahara Desert! I quote myself again:

Having found suitable transport, as you do in these places, I headed further south through Rissani and Erfoud and on to Merzouga and the end of the asphalted road. It was a tiny village with no more than a small auberge for travellers where I stayed for a few nights. The days were spent on camel back, trekking around the dunes of the northern most part of the Moroccan portion of the Sahara Desert. Tuaregs, camels, the Sahara, at long, long last, here I was, in my robes, sat astride a camel with a group of Tuaregs! Heaven was in my world!!!

Sleeping under the Saharan stars is an experience to be sure. With no artificial lights for hundreds of miles around, you can see the sky as it really is at night. It is absolutely chock-a-block with stars! There are stars whizzing and moving, some flickering and some growing brightly, what an incredible spectacle!!

The heat of the day subsides and just a gentle, warm breeze lingers. Then the moon begins to rise and one by one, millions of lights switch on wherever you look. End of quote.

This was just the beginning of all that could be, as I was FEELING life. Wow!!! And yes, as the days were passing and the vast array of sensations that I was experiencing for the first time were accumulating, well, I was becoming SATURATED. You have still got to find the energy to get home and I finish my review of this beautiful month of my life lived, which was so intense, so packed with novelties that what I really needed was the time to digest all of these new pieces that I had collected and see where they all fitted into my picture of my life! I quote myself again:

I told the station master that I had been travelling in Morocco. "Where in the world is that?" he asked. "Northern Africa!" I replied. "AFRICA!" he spluttered, "You have just been to AFRICA? Rather you than me!" I was quite relieved that his attention was drawn to other matters and I did not have to reply!

My head was longing to touch down on a soft pillow, my eyelids were heavy and dropping fully closed, whether I wanted them to or not but at last we could get back on the train and underway again. There was a good shot of brandy in the next coffee that I was offered and whilst it burnt the back of my throat, it was just the tonic for that moment! It gave me just enough to get me home! I had told my family of my travel arrangements but with all of the delays and setbacks and at 4.15 am as it now was, I was deliberating on my next line of action, having as I did another seven miles to go but these out to a country village!!!

I hopped down from the train, heartily thanking this man for all his kindness. "You are welcome love, anytime!" he said and went on his way. I suddenly felt so lonely, so near and yet so far still. And then I saw him! "How can it be so?" I asked myself. "How is it that the face I most want to see in this whole world right now, is stood there on the platform walking towards me?"

My very own guardian angel, DAD! I could not believe it! I could not ever be sure quite what route or quite what times I would be in! We did not have a mobile phone in those days and finding a public telephone that was in working order, was quite a frustrating challenge. My beloved Dad seemed to always be there to meet me. Just like Mr. Benn!! As if by magic the shop keeper appeared, "This way please, sir!" He had this most incredible art of completely overlooking how dishevelled and done in I looked and always found just the right words to ease me back into my home world again.  End of quote.

As a family, we had our new puppy now in our lives and yes, me and my guy, not too many weeks after my return, decided to go on our separate ways. It was a joint decision and as such decided reciprocally. I wished him all the very best for his future and he was able to do the same to me. He comes into my trains of thought in my second book where I am reflecting on relationships and their quality.

He belongs to my past now but as my present of the time, it was a very good and healthy relationship. It did set a standard for the kind of reciprocity that I needed to have but have never been able to find again. I am still hoping for that but is that not what makes us INFJs. It was also the perfect separation too, an odd thing to say I know but true none the less. It was a relationship built on mutual most things, that was why two and a half years were shared very happily together.

It was our reciprocal desire to follow our passions that we did not share that brought us to the point of division. We do well to recognize that point of letting go. I mulled for a time, yes I did. I had enjoyed being loved and loving someone in return. But it was my last relationship of any meaning. So, it was EVER INCREASING CIRCLES FROM THERE, which is the title of the next chapter of my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN. And I will give you an insight into my next moves as a SOLOIST. My SOLITARY life began!

I thank you ALL for reading. I am so happy that I have had readers from many countries. To add to my list of readers, I can now say a big thank you to new readers from Australia and Denmark, you are very welcome. That is so very pleasing to me, to know that individual people are reading some of my words at least.

I long still for some comment from you readers. I ask myself daily why maybe none comment. Can they really have nothing to say? I shall keep hoping and try to differentiate clearly between what is hoping and what is longing. Longing belongs to NEEDS. Hoping belongs to DESIRES. Maybe this INFJ-T just DESIRES that someone could see that I have NEEDS too, what do you think?

Are you, or have you been a traveller? How has travel changed you? Has travel changed you? Travel makes a wise person wiser and a fool more foolish! Who can relate to that? I know I can. Travel has made me wiser but that has been because of my choices of travel destinations. Do you get saturated at times? Who knows that FEELING?

I can only hope that this year 2022 has not been too cruel to you all. That in between the gloom and doom that is the man-made world of man-kind´s design, you have known some kindness, some consideration, some love and affection, but above all, that you can find some reason for hope to carry on facing life and take on another year. 

I do not make New Year Resolutions. My wish is still the same as it has been since I lived this chapter of my book back in 1986; to find a soul mate! COMMUNICATION with like minded people is my goal each and every day of my life. Why it is so elusive to me, I do not know? But I will hope that it is this New Year 2023, that will see a breakthrough and I may know the pleasure of continuous communication again. 

WHEN I AM NOT WRITING, I AM USUALLY DOING SOMETHING ELSE! THIS IS A CREAM AND FRUIT FILLED MERINGUE ROLL, WITH TOASTED ALMONDS AND ICING SUGER TOPPING! YUM, YUM!!!

Until the next time, happy learning! And for those of you who might like to read my book in your own time, I shall give you the links to Amazon: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback and ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book

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