COMING FULL CIRCLE!

IT TOOK A YEAR AND A HALF BUT I FOUND MYSELF ALMOST BACK WHERE I STARTED! Post No.54 (A 9 minute read) 

In truth I could have carried on writing but I FELT that I had come full circle on myself, I had worked all through my life of years lived and come up to my today! I could see even as I was writing up this chapter, that in fact that was what I had needed to do.

I was slipping into the shadows of Alzheimer´s condition. Another victim of another hideous NARCISSIST. I was painting my real picture of me, all through my life time and I could see who I used to be before I met this man. I could see that he had seen a very vulnerable female and set himself to usurp my life!

That he has done, that is what I could see. He was driving me out of my mind. He was controlling me, he had been always but I was suffering deeply from the loss of my beloved father and I was floundering. He seized the opportunity and I have been grateful ever since!!!!!!

Gratitude is what has kept me blind, gratitude for supporting me when I was at my most vulnerable point in life. That is why we do not see the trap that they are setting for us. Twenty-five years of being silenced, invisible and isolated from all that had any meaning to me, I could see that any love that I had FELT for him, could not be justified.

He had made it clear that I did not have his support to work for myself. So, I knew even as I was typing up my manuscript, that this was going to be a painful business. I HATED him. Like all NARCISSISTS, he wants to keep me trapped in my shameful existence, empoverished and grateful to him for every mouthful of bread that I get!

I had to find a source of income but without him knowing about it. I had to find the way to get away from him but sad to say, I am now beggared to the degree that it is only my refreshed view of my past that keeps hope alive in my heart! I will live beyond him. I will come back to life, I will.

It was so painful for me to relive the death of my beloved father, elder sister and three dogs. The separation from my beloved Puppy, caused by this NARCISSIST. I have hated him since that day and there will be no forgiveness for that. I had dusted down and reorganized all of my pieces in my labyrinthal memory stores and they all came up gleaming brightly and began to banish the black shadows cast by my NARCISSIST partner!

I could see that I had to drive him out of my brain totally and completely. I had already driven him out of my heart and more than two and a half years have gone by since I said the words, "I love you!" "I hate you", I say with a horrifying frequency (to myself). He does not even know what it is to love or be loved, he is a sick child traumatized by his NARCISSIST father and neglected by his stupid mother, victim of a NARCISSIST father as well.

My once beautiful picture of me and my life had been destroyed, by HIM. He had banished all of the former me into the background. I brought everything back to life and put everything all back where it belonged. In the forefront of my life. I have collected very few pieces since I met this NARCISSIST, each day is thrown out, out to the rubbish. So few days has been without venomous strikes.

He and I, stand alone in the centre of HIS picture, which used to be mine. He has usurped my life and me. My beautiful life stands as a frame around an empty space where he and I stand, isolated from all living things. I have got the most beautiful picture frame though. Too beautiful to have this DEMON in the centre of it. He is the piece that never had a place.

By banishing all of my loved pieces to the fringes of my life, he has tried to force his today into my picture. But I have systematically rejected it. That is why there are no pieces to put in the empty space of the picture frame. What I have done though, is reach out to my frame and draw it closer around me. I FEEL so alone without any contact with my past life.

I am going to cling on to my past until it becomes my today again. There should never have been a breakdown with it. My today should be a continuation of my past but this NARCISSIST has deliberately done this, to make me dependent on him and so I am, for food and the roof over my head!

Beggar as I now am, well, I knew that I was not going to be able to talk about my book to anyone who knew him and as I knew no one, my book was not exactly going to fly off the shelves! I could see that everything I ever tried to do, he would have to trash and make me FEEL ashamed for trying to use my brain. 

OH, BELOVED FIRST BOOK, WE CAME SO FAR TOGETHER! THANK YOU FOR BEING SO KIND TO ME!

What I did know though, was that writing throughout one and a half years had seen the time whizz by and truly, today all I remember about that time is my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN and all the FEELINGS associated with it. I was no longer absorbing my partner´s S**T, it was all going over my head. We were finished as a couple. My Prince Charming was never that. He was a prowling NARCISSIST looking for an opportunity.

I did not want to stop writing. I FELT as though I had company, I was not alone anymore. I had all my beautiful faces and voices from the past all around me again and I began to plan for my future, should I get to have one that is!!

I had found a real friend in the paper and pen. I did not want to stop and knew that this was my refuge. I had found my own therapy, I could go back into my own brain as and how I wanted. I had got the lights on again and the cobwebs, shadows, skeletons and demons, that rattled and clanked in between me and my former beautiful life, were pushed further towards today.

They still had to be let out but that would take much longer. Bearing in mind that I am talking about July 2021 here and it is in the last six weeks that finally I have voiced the words, "I am living with a NARCISSIST." It has taken a long time to be able to do so. What that means is that, now I share the truth with another, the burden of shame is lifting.

I am not the only female in the world to be almost destroyed by a NARCISSIST, they are thick on the ground world wide! I do not need to FEEL ashamed because I believed that a male was a genuinely good human being when in truth he was and is a NARCISSIST member of MAN-KIND.

I am a victim and I have banished him from my heart and mind. My body and soul are still in his possession but of course, as the INFJ type well, my mind is my most valuable possession. He has been banished. I FEEL nothing but loathing because his is loathesome. I have showered love and attention on him, I have unconditionally supported him and I have suffered every single day!

Forgive me, I am so wound up that I have not said HELLO as yet, pardon me! I have no respite from him now! Welcome to my new reader from Switzerland, nice to have you looking my way. Though you may need to begin at the beginning with these long and winding trains of thought of mine. I just have the one chapter left now to review which is titled CONCLUSIONS.

Which I read through last night. My beautiful book does not seem so painful to me now. I can see clearer than before where I need to concentrate my energies. It is shocking just how much of our positive energy is drained by a NARCISSIST and the sheer amount of toxic venom that they inject into you to take the empty space left by their parasitic drainage all of the good that is you!

The book is on sale on Amazon: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book and ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback

INFJs will fight for their minds and I am INFJ all over, through and through, I was born that way and I shall die that way. But I will not let this NARCISSIST push me into the shadows of Alzheimer´s. I will not let him push me to suicide. I will give all my positive energy to continuing to heal and cleanse myself from this hideous intoxication.

You have to recognize fully this sickness, just like any other sickness, before you can start the cleansing process first off. I am well on the way.

Have you known a NARCISSIST close up? Have you had to de-tox from NARCISSISTIC venom? Have you FELT yourself being driven out of the driver´s seat of your brain?

Thank you all for reading. I would love to hear from you my friends. There is a comment box below the post, a contact box (right-hand panel), or why not click the follow tab and keep up to date. Until next time, happy learning!

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