FLOATING INTO AN UNKNOWN FUTURE; TO DRY LAND?

YES, MY FUTURE IS UNKNOWN BUT I DO NOW HAVE A FRIEND ON DRY LAND! Post No.52 (A 10 minute read) 

What a strange array of sensations that a person can FEEL in a life time and yet still find new sensations unlooked for! They come of their own accord, you really have no preparation for them as you have not experienced them before, ALL new therefore and you know, the INFJ is always up for a challenge. And CHALLENGE is just what I have got staring me in the face, 24 hours a day, from now on!!!

My partner is working his last day today before retirement, from now on I will have his company 24 hours a day and whatever that will mean. To say that I have not prepared for this would be completely untrue. I have spent the last three years trying to see where I am at and why! Where I want to go and why? And try to see how I can now do a great big U-turn and find my way back to solid ground again after having been all at sea for 28 years!!!

A CLOUDY START TO THE LAST DAY OF THIS ERA OF MY LIFE!!

Hello and a very good afternoon to you readers, wherever you are in the world today. I am in SUSPENSION this week, I am in SUSPENSE! I really do not know what the future will hold for me but I know that I must get my hands back on the tiller of this boat that I have been living on as of 28 years. I want it to stop rocking so abruptly and violently!

It FELT like a wonderful place to be until I was no longer allowed to touch the tiller and was kept below deck most of the time. I got the FEEL of movement but from below deck, I could not know that we were in fact anchored in the bay and that FEEL of movement was the volatility of my partner and his ever changing moods!! Thank you, brilliant Paul Weller (formerly The Jam frontman), then Style Council for that beautiful song titled, EVER CHANGING MOODS. Another classic song!

The storm only seemed to abate and the rocking stop, when he got off to go to work on dry land. I was tantalizingly close to shore and yet the waters below were shark infested and I was never a great lover of deep water. Others would boat out to me and liven up my months, I would be allowed to go ashore with them for a while.

INFJs if you are anything like me, will like chains and I have a nice chain recently built between old and new links, it goes like this.

My first job in this town was in a restaurant by the beach. Both myself and the other young lady had started at the same time and were both replacing the leaving staff. Fortunately for me, my new work companion was an experienced waitress and showed me the ropes. Living as she did, in another town some 20 kms away, the cost of the taxi home night time cancelled out the earnings of the day!

So, she stayed in our spare room and as such, we got to know each other much more closely. As you do sometimes with work companions, your joint circumstances see you become partners in crime, so to speak. And we really did have much fun at our work, in spite of the incredibly hard slog that it was. She made it tolerable for me.

It was with sadness that she moved on as yes, our conditions were dire indeed, so I could not blame her. But I missed her company at work tremendously. At exactly half my age, I could have easily been her mother but she was such a good work companion and so very friendly, that my age disappeared completely!

My partner had been taxi driving since we came here and has picked up rather a lot of English clients over the years. Many times he has lined me up with these to do translation jobs for them and so it was in this case. An English lady who needed to get to see the doctor and did not speak Spanish. My partner gave her my number and I met with her to accompany her to the said appointment!

She was highly complimentary about my partner and his services and how she always phoned him. Now that was certainly not the first time that my fellow countrymen and women had said very similar things. It hit me there and then, right between the eyes. My mirage goes out everyday and you see me, super imposed on him.

I have been teaching him necessary phrases and how to say them. I have been teaching him how to work with my folk. As his usual belligerent Spanish self, they would ALL send him to HELL. I have done my job so well, that I have a town full of country folk of mine, who have have fallen in love with my NARCISSIST.

The middle-age female divorcees, offer themselves to him and proposition him. How a male gets so offended by a wanting woman, hey? They hate that? I choose when and with whom, remember? 

I FELT really niggled, I did. I thought yeah, if I told you the truth, you would actually be hard pushed to believe me, wouldn´t you? Having known him and not me for a number of years. I am going to be the VILLAIN OF THE PEACE as always!

It was something she said, I FELT it and I saw it in her eyes. She had suffered at the hands of a NARCISSIST and she knew that she had suffered, oh, yes. She had divorced to suffer no more! She did not KNOW that she was with a NARCISSIST though. I asked her to look at my blog and I took a chance on her.

We met again and this time, I began to open up and so it is that unwittingly, my daytime Prince Charming has brought this truly lovely, compassionate, considerate, empathetic, sympathetic, kind, generous, sincere, understanding lady into my life. And today she is now my confidante. What about that? I have started big time emptying out my dark ghouls and demons and I begin to see clearer every day.

The spell is broken. The fairy tale has ended! No, they did not live happily ever after, they really did not and why? Because he did not know how to be happy, no one taught him how to be happy, how to be nice. No, his guide (his father) only SHOWED him ugly things. B*****D!!!! A NARCISSIST too!

On a recent meeting with Ms. C, we went to a different café and low and behold, the young lady who came to attend us, was none other than my dear friend and work companion from some nearly eight years ago. It was a joyful reunion and as we enjoyed the atmosphere of this bar, which my friend and her partner were now running, we went back again this week for a couple of cocktails and had a lovely interlude.

The nibbles that keep finding their way to the table were all so different and new to me, that the whole experience was so positive and uplifting that I made the suggestion that we go and have lunch there tomorrow to celebrate my partner´s retirement as he has not been in there as yet. I hope that Ms. C will be coming too. 

A contact on dry land. Wow!! I have met another person who can deal with truth and sincerity, no taboos. Man-kind is what he is and she has known more bad than good too. But she can laugh as I can at our troubles. We can both give release to much pent up emotions through laughter and we did laugh so much in our last get together, that she FEELS therapeutic indeed.

I FEEL that even as we know more of each other, we can say more to each other. It is a friendship in its infancy but it is growing in depth and of course, the trust is there. That which I do not have with my partner. To be able to give voice to ugly truths is to expose them to the light of day. You have shared them and they will no longer be just your burden.

The more times you talk about these demons and ghouls, the less powerful they become. The dark shadows are lifting, the light of day is now promising to flood into my today. I want that positive tide of light and positivity to buoy me up and help me find the strength to get the anchor pulled up which holds me still in my tracks. And then the strength both mental and physical, to wrench the tiller from his hands and take charge of my destiny!

I have come all this way with him and I am prepared to go all the way back with him to HIS dry land. It was never mine. The boat is my vehicle, he is not a sailor. I drop him off on dry land and I sail off to charter a new course. Being African at heart, I could not go south with an empty boat, now could I?

I am going now to enjoy these few hours left to me but I will of course continue with my blog and finish my review of my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN and I do have my second book ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT to review as well. So, it is not like I have run out of things to say as yet.

Thank you for listening I shall say today. I cannot think of any of the things that I should be thinking of. I cannot even distract myself. I am in SUSPENSION!!!!

Do you know the FEELING of PSYCHOLOGICAL SUSPENSION? Please let me know if you do! Until the next post, happy learning!

I leave you with links to my book on Amazon.com: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback version and ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN e-book version

Other INFJ bloggers can be found here: https://lifestyle.feedspot.com/infj_blogs