I GIVE UP TRYING TO COMMUNICATE FACE TO FACE!

GETTING A SENSE OF PURPOSE! IF I DO NOT FIND MY OWN REASON FOR BEING, WHO ELSE WILL? Post No.7/IN (A 9 minute read) 

Having spent so much time trying to communicate with others and try and get some kind of dialogue going on my book, I gave up! I am talking to deaf ears! No one even wants to listen to me before I have even started talking! You can see it in their eyes, my mother used to do the same. It was a look that said, "HELP! OH, NO, here we go again, WHAT do I do?" The typical choice of action is to invent quickly a reason why you cannot stop even for thirty seconds and talk!

It has taken the person five very long, tedious (to me, as I know what is coming right from the outset) minutes, to tell me that they are not prepared to give me any of their thought time! So, after a spell out of total reclusion and a few sessions on land, with semi-permission to go ashore, having found that life and people on shore are no further forward in their human EVOLUTION than the last time I went ashore some twenty-five years earlier, with an altogether familiar sense of disillusion, I headed back to OUR boat, my refuge!

GOOD MORNING TO ALL!

Yes, my friends, a very good afternoon to you ALL, it is a sad life when you have to admit that your bullish Captain is probably one of the better people that you know. At least he is consistent in his behaviour and you know where you are and where you can be with him. That does give a few more options, it does. He is the lesser of the evils and that is really sad to have to admit!

Having sat on the outside of me, looking in on me and who I had been and who I am now (one and the same but psychologically damaged), which was what I learnt of course, it was now time to write from the inside of me. The core of an individual person is the inner being, the place where all the FEELING is done and it is that core of me which has been shut away for so long. It has been shut away so as not to sustain narcissistic damage and poisoning.

I had become detached and distanced from myself and other humans. But knowing that I was in no imminent likelihood of meeting any where I was living, I withdrew into myself once again. I was FEELING invisible to the whole world. I was smarting at the fact that it was my fault that I no longer existed. I had allowed this person to take over me and manipulate me and effectively almost push me to taking my own life, to prevent his further misusage of me.

It was easy for me to see how I myself was permanently waiting in the wings but never being allowed to be ME. I had to be whatever role my bullish Captain required me to be at that particular moment of the day or night. My sense of solitude was dramatic, it was total and I truly from the depth of my soul, hope that no one has to know these FEELINGS that are mine.

Tragically though, there are many, many sites which are narcissist sufferers life lines. How sad that we have to reach out always to invisible hands! Just like those of lower levels of understanding who reach out to their invisible gods of whichever guise; NO HOPE at all in those on Earth! It helps me better understand why that link exists. But I prefer to restore the belief, faith and hope in myself because in truth, that is ALL I have got. Myself and what I can do for myself and with myself.

My search for one person who maybe could begin to see my value and evaluate me would have to continue of course but my level of patience would also have to grow; I could see that. In today, right now in time, I have found a person, just the one, but that was all I needed initially, just ONE. So, by rights, I have had some success have I not!

One person has expressed their interest in knowing me more in depth and tells me how much they are enjoying doing so. That makes me FEEL so special and maybe at this very moment she is reading my first book! I do hope though that it takes somewhat less time for her to get through as the other readers!!

At this point in my writing though, I really FELT as if I had come in a massive twenty-five year long circle, right round to a familiar place. Yes, I had been here before. The realization that I was totally and utterly dissatisfied with the place I was living in and with the people who shared that living space too. I both wanted and needed to move on! 

After twenty-six years as it then was, how to walk away and move on is not obvious! I could see that this society in Spain was no better or no worse than my own in Gran Bretaña. Shallow minded, narrow visioned people with very low aspirations for themselves and zero thought for any beyond themselves. No, I did not really want to be here anymore, I knew that and had known that for a very long time already.

I was completely detached from all living things, how could I ever find my place under those circumstances. And so, quite naturally move on to what are human beings and how they differ from man-kind. How the sexual domination by the male has not yet occurred and the females are treated with respect, love and appreciation. Where females do not have to marry males and do not have to endure marriage even if they give it a try.

The dependency that is created by this man-made marriage union is the crippling of the human female. The domination within that marriage which sees a female become her own widow, a shadow of her former self. Her whole identity has to be put aside as she is espoused to that male. In the Spanish language, the word esposa means HANDCUFF, the plural being esposas, HANDCUFFS. When you marry, you become, esposada, HANDCUFFED. For a male, his wife becomes his esposa, his HANDCUFFED person!

FREEDOM was my quest therefore and how to find my way back there. It was a back to square many, I could see that. And so, where to next was the burning question in my mind. There was nothing doing in Spain. The deaf, dumb and blind indoctrination has seen a continuing IGNORANCE being spread, generation after generation.

Heads stuck up backsides as I say often! Even as we went into our first COVID-19 lockdown, it was the demand for toilet paper that caused our first shortage of supplies. The priority it seems, was cleaning up our own s**t! Having the head firmly placed up your backside, well, it might get rather messy, would you not think?

The `Mind over Matter´ theory was becoming the most useful strategy to apply. The Buddhist philosophy of Mind over Matter! If you are becoming reduced as a human being, even as I am, you may find this the only strategy that you can reasonably apply to yourself, living in a man-made environment. You will be an outcast, that is the price that human beings have to pay for their psychological and physical integrity.

How many of the man-made trappings of life are actually essential to life? How many are useful to have and so, make life more comfortable but you could manage without them? As poverty levels increase, so too does the loss of standing/status increase. That shame is what drives people into reclusiveness. And our only purpose in life from there on, is to simply be able to withstand the rigours of another day lived!

That is when you are moving into SOLO territory, you become a solitary person and avoid all unnecessary contact with man-kind! Is this not what a Buddhist monk has done? At this point in my writing, I could actually envisage myself in a mountain top temple and FEEL the tranquility that this distancing from ALL and SUNDRY was bringing me!

The Buddhist´s purpose is thinking, thinking and more thinking! Trying to understand all things by giving every hour of their day to thinking! Therein the affinity that I FEEL with the Buddhist practice of deep thinking; meditation! Searching for those so necessary answers but then not sharing their findings with anyone else???!!!!

The nomadic peoples are quiet, reserved types of people but it is very easy to communicate with them. They are all ready communicators. I explore too how these are really amongst some of the few human beings left on the planet earth and that is because they have consistently stayed away from the man-made societies. They live tough and lean, the price you pay for being an integral human being in a man-made world dominated by man-kind!

I look at the differences between settled living in a man-made society and the nomadic life-style. The expenditures that accompany a settled life versus a nomadic life-style. Though as I find on my travels, all lone travellers will never travel alone! Never, not anywhere! The wilderness aids friendship and shared purposes really do create positive human bonds.

Still I entertain thoughts of leading a nomadic life-style, indeed, it may well be that it will be my only option! I would certainly prefer that life-style to the one that I am living now!

Do you know of the `mind over matter philosophy´ and can you apply it to yourself? Have you ever contemplated leaving a settled life-style for that of a nomadic one? Could you live without all the man-made trappings of life?

In the next post I will review chapter four, titled COMMUNAL SUPPORT. Thank you all for reading today. I have had viewers from the USA, Gran Bretaña, Germany and India this week, please come back my way! I would love to hear some comments from you, there is a comment box below. In the right-hand panel you can find my contact box if you would like to communicate by e-mail and there is also a follow tab, so, why not come on board my trains of thought and keep up to date? 

Great news folks!! My second book is now on sale (26/08/2023), these are the links: ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT e-book and ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT Paperback

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