ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT, OFF WE GO!

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GOOD CHALLENGE! Post No.5/IN (A 10 minute read) 

That my friends, is the title of the first chapter of ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT! What kind of challenge am I referring to though? I am talking of our own mental challenges and how to keep a brain firing off all cylinders. Actually seeing the brain as it is, muscle tissue which can be strengthened and made very quick and agile, if we exercise it with regularity. That is to say, that we spend a good amount of our time each day, THINKING!

AN UNSEASONABLY HOT SPRING DAY!

A very good afternoon to everyone who is looking my way today, as I set to work and try to maximize this tiny window of opportunity that I have available to think in tranquil conditions and do something productive with this precious time. TIME, oh, how precious is that valuable commodity which is QUALITY TIME, just time is not good enough for me, I NEED QUALITY TIME.

Is it not that quality time that we are able to spend either alone with our own beautiful thoughts or spent with other people who bring something positive to that space of time shared, that converts it into TIME WELL SPENT? Is that not why those moments are so valuable to you, they are so precious and that is why you TREASURE them and as is often said, "Guard them jealously!"

Yes, I can see how the loss of my precious tranquil thinking time has seriously upset my status quo once more. I did forsee this of course, but what I could not know until I was actually living this new sittuation was, how it would really FEEL. Before I could imagine how it would FEEL, now I really know how it FEELS!

As INFJ type, well, my imagination has never been found wanting as yet! Oh, no! I am living emotionally, very closely to how I imagined I would be. It is the pressure that cannot be measured ahead of time. The weight of that pressure twenty-four hours a day without respite. How that will weigh after one week, after two weeks and so on? The build up of TIME misspent, what will the repercussions of yet more time misspent FEEL like?

Having FELT as though I was living in a single-confinement style of life, I had realized that, of the options available to me at that time, I was not missing out on anything at all by being confined to home. As such, home became my playground, my work place, my chill out place, it became MY PLACE when my partner left each morning at 8am!

I am now in state of DUAL-confinement and I knew that was not going to be easy. I was going to have to find a way to cope and my last three years have been about just that. Exercising my brain and digging deep within, trying to find my strength and courage which had all but left me! I had no one to turn to, I had no who would even listen to me, I was on my own! Two books are the result of those three years exercising my brain.

What has now happened though, is that dormant Sleeping Beauty, who was overcome by toxic venom and sent into a stagnating, dormancy for twenty-five years, has woken up again! And while she has not given much thought to her castle over those three years, she has given an awful lot of thought to her own self, at long last! Really, she wants to find her wings and just fly away but this is the real world and I have got to find the way to COPE!

Writing down my thoughts and FEELINGS at the time of having them, became my way to COPE. I was off loading instead of building up and that was noticeable to me. I FELT as though I was off loading a heavy burden and walking lighter, I really did. But after I published my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN, I went to pieces. I could not believe the reception from those that I knew and so, I started to pour it all down in this second book, lest the build up cause me to explode from the sheer volume of unsaid words!

So, this book started off as a necessity for me; I needed to write, I needed to communicate with someone and the only someone who would listen patiently, was the paper of my writing pad! Once again, I did not know if this pouring out of thoughts and emotions would come to be a book, I would be the JUDGE of that at a later stage. I NEEDED to communicate, I had to off load, I had no other choice than to write!!! Is that what makes a writer a writer, I wonder?

On with the book now and chapter one, THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GOOD CHALLENGE! I am looking at just how little the majority of people that I have known and know, use their own brains and how they would ALL of them, prefer to use mine instead. They will use my memorial storage space as well. I am supposed to remember their data for them; WHY?

That is just what I am speaking about! Why can they not use their own minds for their own data in the same way that I do? High expectations indeed but absolutely typical for the INFJ type. Why do none do as I do, find my own answers and then apply them? Lazy brains who have a very selective memory storage space and will only store what them deem necessary to their tiny, little existence, all the rest, ask the INFJ ADVOCATE, "She will know!"

Yes, of course she will know! She has told you many times before, so, why do you still not know for yourself! I have been systematically detaching myself from these types all through my life. They are a tremendous drain and communication for communications sake I can well do without! I really should not need therefore, to tell you of the reception received from those around me and my partner of course, was ever going to be that obstacle that blocked my path to talking freely about my work!

Barring all of that, I could stand back and look on at myself as I plugged away typing up my 260,000 plus word manuscript and I give readers a run through of that very obstaculized process. The obstacles in this case being my ineptitude!!! At the same time, my partner was absolutely out to destroy any hopes that I might have of doing something for myself and actually using my talents at long last!

I kept imagining my finished book stood on a shelf in my family lounge´s bookcase, alongside my father´s Fez! One day, one day, that will be the day that my future begins. The day that my beloved first book is no longer a secret and I can have her and this second book, as well as every other book that I may write, stood proudly on the book shelves of my home!

Just to illustrate how mad it is to live in a narcissists world! Narcissists do not know how to FEEL, as no one has taught them about the range of different FEELINGS that we can have as people. Therefore, PASSION, is not something they know of. They are never PASSIONATE about anything but will be OBSESSIVE with something and seek to control it and keep it within UNPASSIONATE boundaries that they can COPE with.

That is why it is such a sad and loveless life for an INFJ type like myself, you can neither give love in the measure you wish to give it and neither can you receive love in the measure that you wish to receive it. Your love ungiven just builds up and up inside and turns to COMPASSION for anyone and everyone who is suffering in their lives. 

As an INFJ type, I can tell you that I am ALL PASSION. I am PASSIONATE about everything that means anything to me! There are no half measures and anyone who seeks to reduce my levels of indulgence in my PASSIONS will be as the proverbial, `Kill-joy´, or that `Bucket of cold water´, those who cannot COPE with HAPPINESS, they do not know HAPPINESS and so, cannot reciprocate. As a result of their deficiency, everyone else has to come down from their wave of happiness and be REPRESSED, SUPPRESSED, COMPRESSED, OPRESSED, DISTRESSED and ultimately, DEPRESSED.

That is what it is to live within man-kind´s tiny boundaries of FEELING. HE cannot COPE and so we have ALL got to be miserable as sin to reciprocate with our bullying Alpha male. "Who do I think I am?" He snarls at me! I could reply with a similar venom and a very vehemently FELT, "I am a million times the person you are!"

As INFJ type, it is for ME to KNOW that because therein lies my future, in ME!

At the moment of writing, I had three copies of my book actually in the hands of three senior females. I peruse over how my own mother might FEEL reading through her daughter´s life story in her own words! I am still waiting for her verdict though, one and a half years later!!!!???? Ms. S, who had given me some of her time when I was needing support, was also a receiver of my book and once again, I wait for a verdict there also one and a half years on!

The third of the readers was another neighbour who had bought the Kindle e-book version which obviously gave me quite a boost as you can imagine. Having had to operate on cataracts in both eyes well, bless her, I could hardly berate her for not being able to read, now could I? So, I await an opportunity to maybe find out what she has thought about it ALL.

I did sadly, make a bet with myself that I would write, type and publish this second book before I heard anything about the first and I was so right that I have had to COPE with that as well. Oh, how I wish I could be wrong sometimes!

It was becoming clearer to me what my actual situation was. I had good, strong lungs still! I still had my navegational skills! I still had a strong will to live, work and breathe for the greater good. So, why with my sails full of wind and I putting my ALL into my first book was the strain of moving nowhere so very painful and exhausting? Exhausting to the degree of giving up totally!

Simple really if you want to see your truth as it is! I am not the Captain of my boat and the Captain of my boat has got us firmly anchored out at sea! That is why I move nowhere! And so, there were no joyous FEELINGS after publishing my book, no one to reciprocate with. Just an overwhelming sense of SHAME that what had been a vibrant, living, working (at times!!!!), breathing, growing, learning person, who was so happy with herself and her life, had she been reduced to this shadow of herself?

Do you know what it is to be rubbished by your nearest and dearest? Do you know what it is to have no support from anywhere and how desperate that makes a person FEEL? Were you allowed to FEEL ecstatic when you published your work or achieved something of importance to you? Did you have the fortune to be able to share your achievements with others?

Next post I will move on to chapter two which is titled, UNREALISTIC HOPES! That does not take much working out after all that I have shared in this first chapter but I can see now in retrospect, just how very positive it is to just let your brain run and write those thoughts down on paper. It is pure therapy and that is what I have learned from these three years. There is a way to share all that is going on inside of you! There is paper and pen, my beloved friends from now onwards!

Thank you ALL for reading today. Please do FEEL welcome to answer my questions or make some comments, I am longing to have regular communication with thinking minded people, so, come on, do not be FEARFUL, speak out and get something said that you do not get the opportunity to say. I have NO taboos and can take an awful lot of criticism. As an INFJ type, we have had to accept criticism from almost everyone that we have ever known, sad as that may sound but true none the less and only because we will not follow the foolish established guidelines of man-kind.

Sorry, INFJs work on a superior level, no can do, man-kind!

If you would prefer to communicate by e-mail, send me your address in the contact box (right-hand panel) or click the follow tab and come on board with my Trains of Thought regularly! I would love to have your company.

26/08/2023 - An update for you!! This book is now available on Amazon. Here are the links: ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT e-book and ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT Paperback

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