MY PENULTIMATE CHAPTER; BITTER SWEET SENSATIONS!

WRITING A BOOK IS SUCH A BITTER SWEET EXPERIENCE! THE WRITING PROCESS IS SO VERY SWEET, BUT THE DEJECTION ON FINISHING LEAVES A VERY BITTER TASTE! POST NO.34/IN (A 10 minute read)

Oh, how true that is for me! I know that even as I draw to the close of my review of this second book of mine, that it pains me to do so. I am in fact, parting company with this second book just as I did with my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN. Instead of walking hand in hand with these two fabulous books, proudly with my head held high!

Do I FEEL proud? No, of course I don´t? My own family force shame upon me for everything I attempt to do. I am not allowed to FEEL proud of anything that I do ever. My partner could not permit that or my own family! WHY? Simply because they are all narcissists; repressed, injured souls who have failed to be what they could have wished to be!

Just for that reason and none other, their whole lives are spent begrudging ALL others any success or happiness. As such, support for what you may wish to try and do with your own talents, will never be forthcoming from them. NO! They do not want you to succeed in anything or find happiness anywhere.

Worse still, is that they will pour criticism upon you for trying. They will try and ridicule you, belittle you, they will do their utmost to breakdown your confidence in your own ability to think and act independently of them. The reason why relationships with narcissists are wholly unrewarding.

Not all of those who have my first book are narcissists but what importance is given to my book, is obviously another thing! I was clearly not considered to be of any importance, after all, I had only written an 800 page book and published it! Typical day to day stuff, would you not say?

Having received a short message from my mother yesterday, she mentioned her sorrow that she had still not finished my book. She has no time available! Twenty-six months on and still waiting for some word of approval from my mother! Well, sadly, I have to be grateful that at least she has opened the pages.

My younger sister has not even wanted to know the titles of my books, let alone want to read them. And of course, I have not told my narcissist partner about them at all. I knew that I would not be able to cope with what would be his reaction to my new career. He has at all times sought to destroy my confidence in myself. 

HERE IT IS! THE BOOK UNDER REVIEW!

Back to the book and chapter thirty-one CONCLUSIONS OF ANOTHER FULL CIRCLE. Because yes, it did FEEL to me like another full circle completed. Another beautiful project that had been started and I had followed my Trains of Thought throughout twelve months of time and penned them down on paper. I quote myself:

Writing is I believe, the most beautiful of crafts and I FEEL that I have an aptitude for this craft. I love language, I love speech, I love vocabulary and all the usages of it. What I so yearn for, is someone to share the craft with me but none have the time.

TIME! TIME, that oh, so, valuable element, that we are so, very strict with! Indeed we guard it jealously and possessively! It is MY TIME and I will do what I want with it! That is perfectly OK by me, whilst what you want to do with your time is not upsetting others in any way. I need to meet others who value their time in a similar way to me!

Kindred spirits; those for whom time given to meaningful communication is absolutely the best possible use of time. That as I find doing some abstract research, is one of the hallmarks of an interllectual mind. Our own evaluation of time and the usage of it are very selective. All are selective about how they use their spare time but even so, many are prepared to waste their time going through the motions of much that they could do without!

MY TIME, I systematically refuse to misuse I will say, as opposed to waste, though really it adds up to the same. I will not go through the motions of any situation if I can avoid doing so! Life´s obligations often have us gritting our teeth, yes and no-ing, all the time counting down until our brain is released from these brakes and it can get running again! End of quote.

Dr. John Nash was the subject of a Hollywood film (A Beautiful Mind) starring actor Russell Crowe, who played the part of this mathematical genius. So sadly, Dr. John Nash was consigned to a psychiatric hospital and deemed deranged! Even as I watched that film for the first time, I FELT that Dr. John Nash was what he was. A GENIUS!

He was working with more of his physical brain capacity than any other person that he knew. He was in another thinking realm. I FELT I knew that and as I got on to my own signs of being clearly in another realm myself, I FELT the need to find out more about this extraordinary man and what became of him.

I was right; just as he was! I have a run through this man´s life and career and explain that the same theories that none could understand at the time, were worthy of the Nobel Prize for Economic Science in 1994. Bearing in mind that Dr. Nash wrote this all down in 1952. Forty-five years for other brains to understand the wisdom of this man.

He was clearly an intellectually minded person and I have all the traits myself of the intellectually minded. It is why we find the mundane and ordinary so very frustrating. WE have known of those things since infancy. How come people do not learn beyond infancy? Intellectual people are always learning; one of their defining traits!

I explore some of the traits of the intellectually minded because yes, we are born that way! It is visible in our brain tissue at birth. I quote myself again:

Great minds discuss ideas! Average minds discuss events and small minds discuss people!! How very true that saying is! I can so, see that it is true. That is why I suffer as I do and why we all as intellectuals, talk to ourselves; who else? We discuss subjects and topics within our own brain´s, we are so open-minded that we can move around the subject and see it from every angle.

Yes, absolutely I am talking to myself and pretending that you the reader, are like me and maybe we could converse, communicate because that is what fundamentally, I am looking for. So, yes, we are choosey who we talk to and very selective about what we choose to say to them as well. Friends are something that you learn to live without!

I do not believe that is a choice as such; more a consequence! An intellectual brain cannot give much time to dumbing-down; that is trying to look less intelligent than you are. I have to do a fair bit of that (another of my emotional upsets that I can avoid to a degree but not resolve), so, there is ever a niggling, "There must be someone out there like me!"

Our brain´s crave stimulation and can well have many projects on the go. I am typical of that, though of late, I have FELT such a need to communicate with a human being that, like Dr. John Nash, I have questioned my own rationale and I know now that it is not me who is the problem, it is all the rest of the blinkered folk who allow life to continue always the same!

Content with little lives, in little circles, where very little thinking is required, only following like a good and faithful sheep! All of this permanent mental and emotional aggravation from the people in your life; there is the root of most of our emotional issues! Maybe it is by being solitary that we are better people! End of quote.

I continue to lament the low levels of thinking amongst the general population and how they are quite prepared to leave others to do all the thinking for them. Always complaining but never doing anything about the problems.

Whilst writing this chapter, the UK Prime Minister of the day was Boris Johnson and I was suitably pleased to see his departure from the top job. He had caused so much trouble during the COVID-19 pandemic with his narcissistic attitude, Brexit was seen through by him as well. No, no one will miss his leadership!

To round off this chapter, I lay into the Alpha male philosophy and why this just does not suit the modern female. As if it had ever suited any female at any time???!!! I quote myself:

In the animal kingdom it is the sons who have to leave the family clan group and go off by themselves to seek their fortune! Waifs and strays being what they are, they will recognize each other and will group together as a substitute family. The young boys to men club! The only male guide that each of them has had prior to meeting has been their respective father´s!

These young lads have now to fend for themselves on a day to day basis. It is their mother´s, aunt´s and sister´s examples which will now be their mainstay. Dad showed them how to gnash their teeth and roar fearsomely and pee all over HIS territory; lest there be any doubt!

They have seen Dad copulate with their biological mother probably, as well as with other females in the clan. That is the sum of what Dad has taught their sons! Does this ring any bells Alpha males? The mother´s teaching is for independent survival; the father´s is about protecting HIS seed; no more, no less! End of quote.

As human beings we have come a long way but the western male has not kept pace with the western females, that is clear. Our communications with the opposite sex must change dramatically if as females, we are to continue thinking of having relationships with western males.

Please note I say western males because no, males are not the same world over. Fortunately for many females in this world! Thank you for reading today and I hope you will come back for the next post in which I will review the final chapter of this book and see where my faith, belief and hope was at on writing my way through another year of my life!

My book is available for purchase on most of the Amazon sites. These are my Amazon.com links for you: ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT Paperback and ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT e-book