THE NARCISSIST TRIES TO ESCAPE HIS PAST!

A COLLECTION OF EPISODES EVENTUALLY BECOME A SERIES! SHOULD THERE BE A SECOND SERIES? POST NO.26/N (A 14 minute read)

Having found myself beginning to strengthen at long last, thanks to my new found knowledge and learning, I now find myself obliged to undertake a course organized by the local government to help fifty something year old women get themselves better prepared for employment!

Whether this has come at a better or worse time I am unsure for the moment. I am reserving judgement but none the less, this is just what a person trying to heal from NARCISSISTIC ABUSE must do. I have been sat ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN and ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT (the titles of my first two self-published books), for such a long, long time, as to have almost forgotten what a normal life is about!

Which is exactly what this course is designed for! It is to get females in similar positions to myself, out of their homes and into a safe, non-toxic environment where hopefully they may learn something of value. Having been for my first two classes already, well, like I said, I am reserving my judgement until the end of the two weeks!

Yes, it does me good to get up earlier and get myself tidied up and look as presentable as my lamentable wardrobe and ravaged face allow me to do. I have to face the REALITY of my situation even though I find it so very shameful but I console myself with the knowledge that, whilst my outside might well look way past its best before date, the inside is probably in its PRIME condition!

Yes, as victims of long-term abuse, we have long forgotten what it was to have relationships with friends and family. Our NORMAL communication skills have rusted somewhat and we have maybe forgotten too how to RESPOND NORMALLY to our colleagues, instructors and of course, the task load!

I haven´t forgotten how to RESPOND NORMALLY at all. It is wonderful to be able to practice RESPONDING NORMALLY for a change. It FEELS great to be away from my NARCISSIST and all of his ABNORMALITY and sit in a room with a group of females my age from whom I have nothing to FEAR.

The old me/you, is/are, IRRETRIEVABLE! That person who we remember ourselves as prior to meeting these NARCISSISTS, belonged to another time. You cannot go back to that person and just pick up where you left her. That is maybe the mistake that most women make on divorcing/separating from their spouses, or on the death of their spouses.

FREEDOM!! That will be the word that jumps into most women´s minds in the aftermath of their departed male partner/husband. At last, I am FREE! Sadly though, the majority will have been stagnating for the whole duration of this ill-fated relationship, is that not why we still FEEL the same age as we were when we met that male?

We literally have not grown as ourselves; have we? We have grown as mother´s, care givers, cooks, cleaners, seamstresses, drivers, general GOFERS but how did any of those newly accquired skills advance us in our lives? They didn´t? Not at all!

They served our children´s purposes and needs of course and maybe we as the good mother´s (not the NARCISSISTIC ones), don´t begrudge our children all of the care that we gave them. I know that I do not! I made a true career out of teaching, guiding and caring for my beloved nephew. Oh, NO! I will never begrudge him even one moment of my time spent caring for his well-being!

That is where the difference lies between caring for a child (as is perfectly normal to do) and caring for an ADULT MALE. You can teach the child how to do all of these things for themselves. The child learns very quickly and takes pride in being able to do things for themself. They remember what you teach them and begin accumulating knowledge and skills.

You are teaching them how to be INDEPENDENT human beings and they are learning consistently each and every day of their young lives. The complete opposite can be said for the male partner. He who no one seems to have taught anything at all. He who seems to know only how to go to work, order an alcoholic drink in a bar, and how to pick up sexual partners!

HE who resists all teaching, all guidance, all opportunities to learn fundamental skills for INDEPENDENCE. Which is what makes a male so DEPENDENT on a female for his survival. He literally does not know how to do anything relevant to survival. His view of his life is as I said, going to work, ordering alcohol and having sexual relations. 

That is a male´s life, why does he NEED to know anymore? For no reason at all since he has the sole goal of finding a female to become his whore/mother and look after him as though HE were HER child! See why our marriages our doomed from the very first day? 

MY FIRST SELF-PUBLISHED BOOK!

GOING UNDER THE SEA BACK TO THE EUROPEAN CONTINENT!

Back to the early months of my ill-fated relationship and we had arrived at the Kentish coastal town of Folkestone, where the British entrance to the Channel Tunnel was and still is, which had at that time been in operation less than a year.

It seemed like the most logical thing to do and after a picnic lunch on the cliffs, we drove the car onto the train and FELT the unusual experience of firstly driving a car into a train wagon and then the very odd sensation of sitting in the car whilst the train itself travelled. All in all, it was a positive experience, one that as yet, I haven´t repeated.

I didn´t know it as yet but the NARCISSIST had a time schedule, if only he had told me about it??!! He had been trimming down the travel plans consistently but I thought that we were now going to be spending another couple of days in France.

The sound of the car engine had me fall asleep and when I woke I was surprised to find myself sat in the car park of a petrol station. My Puppy was fast asleep, comfortably stretched out across the back seat but the driver was missing!!

Moments later he gets back in the car and off we go again. "Aren´t we going to stop somewhere for the night?" I asked. "I have got to be in Barcelona by 1pm!" It was then about 1am!!! "Get back to sleep!" And I did!

On my next waking, we were coming through Andorra and the beautiful Pyrenees area. I was glad that I woke up in time to see that precious scenery in the morning light. 10.30am and we were pulling up at our home. I could barely believe it but he had driven non-stop from England to Spain. Why could he not have been honest with me ever?

The long and the short of the situation was that my sister was no further forward and in effect, I would have to make arrangements for my nephew´s schooling here. Our previous investigations had led us to three British schools which were very expensive but my sister had found one more and it was just 15 minutes walk from our home.

So it was that me and my Puppy began to settle into our new life in our new apartment with this male who was so much fun to be with, who seemed so loving, affectionate and caring. He was clearly in trouble though and I could FEEL his tension. "Problems with a client paying up!" He would say.

Come Christmas time, we flew over to England and stayed in my late sister´s new flat in London. She had finally managed to get a home but still no school place! I knew deep inside of me that she had cut off. There were items around her home that I recognized as belonging to the previous sentimental partner.

He was back on the scene and she was back to being an INDEPENDENT woman again. As such, I did the only thing that I could and that was try and make the best of the situation. But I did suffer through the next two years, I really did.

Between a rock and a hard place, has seemed like my permanent position in life and I am longing to be able to have no ROCKS or HARD PLACES in my life who are supposedly family or sentimental partners. My sister and the NARCISSIST would always have a go at each other at least once per her visits.

What that actually meant was that on her leaving, there was an easing of the tension, a relaxing of the pressure that seemed to be hanging above me at all times when those two were in the same room. It was to continue that way all through my sister´s life. She hated the NARCISSIST as she could see how he was bringing me down lower and lower.

It was HER or ME though, wasn´t it? If she took her son back, it would be she who would have to change her whole life to accommodate a child and motherhood. That she was never prepared to do and I have had to live with that knowledge always, which hurts me deeply. 

I recognize that I had IDEALIZED my late elder sister. I had learnt to SEPARATE all the nasty things and all the bad things from all the wonderful things and as the wonderful things so outweighed the awful things, so have I forgotten and forgiven much.

I could SEPARATE my sister into two people as well. My sister and my nephew´s mother. As my nephew´s mother she failed in giving her son what he most needed which was her love and care. As my sister, she never failed to give me her love and care! But of course, I served many purposes for her, something that she could not see her son being able to do! 

AND MY SECOND SELF-PUBLISHED BOOK!

THE PAST HAS A HABIT OF CATCHING UP WITH US ALL!

So it was with the NARCISSIST. The business collapsed, the ins and outs I can only ascertain through words said by him himself and later his daughter. His car was stolen and thrown down a mountainside! I had reminded him many times that his car insurance payment was due, "Yes, I´ll see to it!" Therefore, I stopped reminding him!

All of his errors of his past were not only catching up with him but were lining up to take him down a very long way. Just how far, I did not really fully understand until some years later, when finally, he could run no more!

These were lean years indeed and yet, I was relatively happy. Puppy was enjoying his new school very much and learning well. Fortunately, my sister never overlooked her financial obligation to her son and sent me money as well as bringing a full suitcase of clothes, books, toys and games each time she came to visit.

Puppy did not go without anything that he needed and he had most of what he wanted too but he was never one to be overly concerned by possessions. No, he was a contact person, a sociable person and enjoyed being with other children, just as he loved being with me and doing all sorts with me.

I was being very supportive of the NARCISSIST too and wondered again and again why he had not told me of his financial worries. Why had he kept spending when he knew that he had legal deadlines? One reason only I am sad to say. He had to be seen to be supporting my SHARED FANTASY as long as he could to get me thoroughly ENMESHED!

This is what it is to be TRAUMA BONDED. You actually FEEL responsible, at least in part, for the misfortunes of the NARCISSIST. As such, you are prepared to lend all your support to his uprising. That is what sentimental partners do, don´t they?

So sadly though, he knew all this was coming his way even as he met me. That is why he was so pushy about living together. He knew that he was in S**T Street but if he found himself someone to provide him with some leverage, he should be able to pick himself up again.

Even as he sits now in his retirement in relative peace, he is now receiving a pension which he has largely thanks to me and my ability to keep a home and three people alive on virtually nothing for a decade, whilst he paid the backlog of fifteen years that had been unpaid prior to me meeting him.

He was working for another contact again and earning very little money. The electric bills were going unpaid and we got the supply cut off. The water bills were going unpaid and we got cut off. He had got another car but was running without insurance or circulation tax and what is more, the car was now in my name!!!!!!

Another one of the usages of the female by her NARCISSIST partner, is to put his affairs in her name. She is a NOTHING to the whole world and as such, no one will be inspecting her name! Any male who does this, is in financial trouble you can be sure. He is trying to hide his dealings from the eyes of someone or other!

From ex-wives, banks, clients, estate agents and of course, ME, his new sentimental partner. I am staggered when I think back to these years and how nonchalant he was about it all. He ACTED (of course), as though this was all just par for course, completely normal for Spain.

I know that for me it was tremendously stressful having so many chasing us up for payment of one thing and another. Then from one day to the next, we are packing up and moving! "To where?" I ask. "We will move into my studio in the city for now!"

The first run of episodes that made up those two and a half years, could well be seen as a TV series, couldn´t they? My SHARED FANTASY was over and it was the end of our first series. And indeed, as I look back, I can barely believe those years. I know that I have tried to eliminate them from my memory. WHY?

This WAS as a TV series to the NARCISSIST script writer, he was always the principle actor and we were ostensibly following my SHARED FANTASY in which I was the principle character, not the principle actor. I was not acting! I thought it was all for REAL!

CASTLES IN THE AIR and PRINCE CHARMINGS do truly belong to the story books and we would do well as females to get our heads around that REALITY. This is what makes it so very difficult to understand that we have been trapped into this awful SHARED FANTASY that the NARCISSIST has.

You thought it was REAL, he KNEW that it was all a lie. He KNEW that you were in love with the actor PRINCE CHARMING and not in love with the REAL him. That is absolutely true of course. If he did no ACTING ever, you would not want to be with him for even one minute; would you?

In the next post I will summarise this first series of my ill-fated relationship and lay it to rest. Thanking you ALL for your company again this week. I´m really happy to see some exploration of my blog happening. It is all in chronological and numerical order. It would be wonderful to hear your views too.

Have a great day.