THE NARCISSIST HAS ALL YOUR ANSWERS!

MY WOULD BE PRINCE CHARMING JUST COULD NOT DO ENOUGH TO HELP ME! POST NO.21/N  (A 16 minute read)

That speed and rush to get you sorted out! And I thought it was his good will!?!? That must be seen as a RED FLAG warning, mustn´t it? He has literally dropped everything that he might have had on so that he can help you get better organized. Even with the best will in the world, I don´t think that many people would be able to be available 24 hours a day, now would they?

There were just another ten days before my rent contract needed renewing and he thought that my rental conditions were rather abusive (that´s is amusing coming from a NARCISSIST). Would I like him to come with me to the agency and give me some back-up and moral support?

My Spanish language skills were progressing adequately but none the less, I did FEEL that maybe I was being taken advantage of. So, I gratefully accepted his offer and on the Saturday (now moving into week two of this relationship), we went to the agency and checked out the situation.

This was where I discovered much that I had not known previously being in my early days of semi-ignorance and of course, the limited language skills and YES, it was all written down in black and white and I had signed it accordingly!

What that meant in short, was that I as the tennant, was liable for all the costs associated with repairs or replacements and as I was now finding, there were many things that were suddenly coming to the end of their life spans and so it fell to me to replace them.

As a foreigner I could only take out temporary contracts, therefore, I had to keep re-doing my rental contracts with all the subsequent agency charges added to the actual rental fee. So, another contract was drawn up and once more, I paid the whack that they were charging.

At the same time, the agent put forward the suggestion that as he was a Spanish national, he of course, could take out long-term contracts. "Why didn´t he put his name on the contract?" Well, I certainly was not thinking of losing my INDEPENDENCE any time soon and I didn´t think that he was thinking like that either!

FROM ONE UNSCRUPULOUS OPERATOR TO ANOTHER!

I can see now that she actually planted that seed in his mind and maybe in mine too. I had wanted to be by the beach, oh, yes I had! But arriving in the summer time as we had, prices were hiked up for the high season and out of my reach. 

We had been in an inconvenient placing prior to this apartment and I had been quite pleased with this last one as it was in the centre of the town. I knew I would need three bedrooms as the au pair always seemed like the preferable option and obviously for her benefit and mine on the mobility front, well, it was IDEALLY situated as I did not have a car!

Bearing in mind that I was still believing that this was a temporary arrangement, I did not want to get fully settled and so it was that my Puppy celebrated his fifth birthday in that apartment. Now, I woke up today, this very morning, seeing him (in my mind that is), on that afternoon when he came back from his nursery, aptly named "The Nest!"

Knowing that date as the very significant date that it is for me because that was the day that this precious little boy came into the world, has seen me now have to rewrite all the rest of this post as it had been written. No, I was getting out of line with the order of events.

In fact we stayed another nine weeks there because even prior to my Puppy´s birthday in March, we had celebrated the NARCISSIST´S birthday in the February. He was "SLEEPING OVER" rather than living with me. That was how I FELT. He was a sentimental partner who was sharing my space but not with any permanency.

That at least, is how I wanted to see things. I did not want to get heavily involved and I know that I was telling him that. We would be going back to the UK. 

So, I went off to HIS office for the first time and got my first introduction to this man that I have staying with us. No, he had not lied about having a business and his office and small warehouse. I had begun to wonder whether he was telling me the truth, given his total absence from the business these last ten days or so!

The NARCISSIST had been to his solicitor and got a work contract done for me, which really had no meaning as I was without a residency permit and work permit. But hey? It was par for course for me; at least this one was day time hours and that had to be better for me and my Puppy!

My mind was put at rest therefore with my work contract done and a day time job to go to. I had lifted a number of financial burdens from off of me and I was enjoying being able to get up early in the morning, instead of coming home early in the morning!!!

I was now doing breakfast for my Puppy, taking him to nursery myself, going off to work and being back in time to collect him from the nursery. We would have the rest of the day together and I was so much happier. 

THE LOVE-BOMBING PHASE CONTINUES!

Having got some more peace of mind and having eased my financial burden too, coupled with all of this extra time to spend with my Puppy and my NARCISSIST (who was of course 99.9% Prince Charming then), I started to FEEL much more positive and FELT that I was beginning to enjoy my days again.

I can see how these weeks were now, in my newly awoken state! But I can also remember how he would keep turning up very late. I would have gone home on the train, in time to collect my Puppy at 5pm, yet he would turn up at 11pm with a few more boxes of his stuff. 

I now know that his wife was packing him up, as he had literally walked out of the door with his designer labelled clothes (remember those please as I will have much more to say on them) and Mr. Successful, look at me, trappings. She was boxing him up and telling him that if he didn´t come and get it all, she would chuck everything out on the street! Good on her!

Why didn´t he take it all to his studio, you might ask? Yes, I thought that too but did not pose the question. I now know that he was then renting out his studio. Just look at all that one knows later but at the time you were being completely deceived by the person,  They were lying outright to you at every moment, every word was a lie!

He did not NEED his studio right now as he had his foot in my door, although yes, he was contributing to the costs. No, he could make a bit of money from his studio in the meantime. And now in my total ignorance of any of his REAL truths, I began to relax with him, share and embark on a romance with him.

I think I was seeing this as a hoilday romance, it would last the duration of the holiday! That is what makes holiday romances so memorable!!! They did only last the duration of the holiday and you only saw the good side of your male as he was always trying to impress you!

 To use the word ENCHANTING does give that romantic, fairy tale ring to it all; doesn´t it? I FELT that I was becoming quite CAPTIVATED by this young male. I was believing every word he said. Why would he say those things if he did not mean them? I never say anything that I don´t mean? Or at least, I didn´t used to use false words ever!! 

SPELL-BINDING, CAPTIVATING, ENCHANTING, YES, those three words I could definitely apply to my Prince Charming. He was so much fun, he was so very jolly and lively. He was active and out going. He "seemed" to love children and my boy was delighted with this new companion. Indeed, he had become very attached already!

The weeks flew by and the agency informed me that I would have to vacate the apartment at the end of this contract. And so began the hunt for a new apartment with a different agency. But I was not resident and so could not take out an all year contract. The NARCISSIST was trying to tell this new agent that in a couple of weeks I would have my paperwork sorted. It was her that said, "Why don´t you put it in your name?"

A COLLUSION BETWEEN TWO UNSCRUPULOUS ENTITIES!

I have to say that there is something very NARCISSISTIC about the way in which business works here in Spain. People seem to make things easy for you, they pave the way, they smooth out the crinkles but WHY are they doing so? Are they just doing a job, as the agent? Are they just being caring, kind people, like my new Prince Charming?

No, they are both expecting to receive some reward for their work and supposed kindness. The agent wants her/his commission and the NARCISSIST wants LEVERAGE of some type. Well, we had been talking about where we would IDEALLY like to live. I was talking as a SEPARATE INDIVIDUAL. I was not talking about US, me and him!!!!

He SUPPOSEDLY had the same IDEAL picture as I and so it was, that I now had a pretty good idea of what I was looking for. Of what I was looking for, not what WE, he and I, were looking for. And there it was, it seemed IDEAL to me; just the right size. Two bedrooms, lounge/dining room with a fire place. Oh, YES! We would be able to light the fire; how cosy. A small kitchen and bathroom but as my Puppy was still just five years old, we did not need too much space.

Puppy loved it and I thought that it would suit us just right so, back to the office to talk details!! Rental apartments down the beach end of town fell into two categories; holiday rentals and all year rentals. An all year rental meant that the monthly rental cost stayed the same all year round but the holiday rentals could charge what they liked for the high season months!

Well, NO! As I have just said, I don´t think that he had that plan in mind two months ago and nor did I. I suppose I was thinking about him staying over a few nights a week or weekends but not actually living with us!! "We would think about it!" I said. Off we went and turned this situation over and over. The NARCISSIST thought it a good idea.

He would love to live down here instead of in the city of Barcelona! Too right he would given all of the S**T that was raining down on him in the city. He needed a bolt hole and he had just found himself with a given opportunity. Not to mention that he was renting out his studio to someone else, so was in effect out in the street; currently homeless!

I obviously would not have my residence permit sorted out any time soon and so it was that my NARCISSIST signed the rent contract and we prepared to leave the town centre apartment for this cute, smaller one near to the beach! I was over the moon and so grateful and thankful to the NARCISSIST.

That SHARED FANTASY of mine. A small place by the beach, relatively traffic free, no large crowds, lots of outdoor space and not many neighbours either! There was even a car park for the NARCISSIST´S car which he was very pleased about; car theft was absolutely rife in Barcelona then and now!

There was also a store shed which was IDEAL for storing Puppy´s bike and later much more of the NARCISSIST´S gear! This FELT like the kind of place that I had been looking for and being able to take out a twelve month contract meant that the cost would stay the same during the summer months. Like so, it was very reasonably priced; I was delighted. That was exactly how I FELT at that moment and the reciprocity seemed to be there!  

 KEEP COUNTING THE NARCISSIST´S RED FLAGS! Photo by Carson Masterson on Unsplash.

                                                  

ANOTHER RED FLAG WARNING!! MANIPULATION OF YOUR COGNITIVE RESONANCE!

What no more RED FLAGS, you ask? YES! I had seen another flash of red warning. I was young, slim and attractive; nothing wrong with that! I thought that was one of the reasons that the NARCISSIST was attracted to me and I found him attractive too.

What was that next RED FLAG then. His insecurity when out in public with me and very likely without me too. He would be permanently watching others to see if they were looking at me and trying to gauge what they were thinking about me. He would be watching everyone, everywhere, to see if they were looking at him and gauge what they were thinking about him!

His eyes would be all over the place and he would be very tense in public with me. I was so relaxed and at ease wherever we went. I was and always had been, an adventurer. I loved exploring and loved discovering new things and new places, new sensations and this male was all about new sensations but this was a familiar sensation and I knew it as a negative one.

I would go to the toilet for example, on the way back I would hear him speaking loudly and aggressively with another male and I would be TOLD to wait by the car for him. "OH, NO! Did that guy´s eyes follow me to the toilet?" Obviously they had and of course, it was MY FAULT, wasn´t it? 

The skirt was too short, too long, too tight, too see-through! The top was too tight, too revealing, too whatever! The heels were too high! Prior to going out I would have asked him, "How do I look?" "Gorgeous!" He would say! This is one of the more confusing RED FLAGS to discern. The messing with your COGNITIVE RESONANCE!

Messing with your mind, GASLIGHTING! Saying one thing and then later saying the complete opposite. Causing you to begin to doubt your truth. "Did I misunderstand him? Maybe that skirt is a bit tight? After all, I am nearly thirty now!" It is the beginning of your character assassination. Little by little, breaking down your own COGNITIVE RESONANCE.

This is where the NARCISSIST´S voice is already speaking inside you. Instead of just putting on a nice dress, skirt, top and trousers, jeans and jumper, high shoes or boots, according to the weather and where you were going, suddenly you are thinking, "What will he find to say about this? Will he have anything untoward to say about this outfit?"

Already you are changing! Already you are dressing to PLACATE your NARCISSIST partner. The deliberate and conscientious MANIPULATION of a human being´s COGNITIVE RESONANCE, should be listed as a crime. That is the NARCISSIST RED FLAG; their manipulation tactics which come in many guises.

Every time that they FEEL insecure, you will be punished because of your so obvious security within yourself. Why this insecurity of his when out and about with me? Posing in his new car, with his designer clothes, eating out in restaurants most days, looking like Mr. Successful and to add to that, he had a very attractive, well-heeled female beside him????!!

Where was his problem? Why the insecurity? Well, of course, I am leading the way at this stage of the relationship. I am marking the course of action, or at least I thought I was. He was always out of his depth with me, that is what made him so insecure. He was always out of depth in these different surroundings as well which added to his insecurity.

He was presenting himself to me as a world-widely, mature male! He was eight years older than me; eight years more experience I thought. Not so and having gone through much of my life lived in my writing in recent years, I can see that I had so much more experience of life and this world than he will ever have.

I had always looked to grow and learn. Continue expanding my horizons and go ever further afield. Quite the opposite to him who was terrified of anything that he had not experienced with his mother and father. His learning was restricted to what those two empty-headed people could show him. Hence him learning NARCISSISTIC behaviour directly at home from his father!

All he had learnt since he left his family home was work related, ordering drinks in bars, chatting up females and how to drive of course! In other words, he had not been able to either SEPARATE or INDIVIDUATE from his parents and so it is that he is a carbon copy of his father; a very MALIGNANT NARCISSIST.

Great to have you reading today and in the next post, I will move into my new, cosy apartment and get settled just in time for my elder sister´s visit! If you would like to be notified of my new posts why not click on the FOLLOW tab and leave me your e-mail? Have yourselves a peaceful evening!