FULLY ENMESHED WITH THE NARCISSIST!

THE NARCISSIST PUTS SO MUCH EFFORT INTO ENMESHING YOU WELL AND GOOD INITIALLY, BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE IS UP AGAINST THE CLOCK! POST NO.27/N (A 15 minute read)

I think that is what most staggers me now as I continue to learn the depths of the NARCISSIST´S evil, warped psychology. That is why there is such intensity to the initial LOVE-BOMBING phase, such a rush to get settled into living together, he is giving your "SEDUCTION" and "CAPTURE" everything that he has got!

One has to recognize too his own situation at the time of meeting as well as your own situation and mine had a certain URGENCY factor to it just as his did. I can see that for the NARCISSIST, that in itself made me a perfectly "GAME" target. I needed to make some quick decisions at that point in time. 

So, I saw these first moves as necessary and because of my weakened boundaries of that era, he was able to knock them down and in effect, trample right over them, leaving me without many of my former boundaries. 

A male NARCISSIST sees a female as an animal predator sees an edible food source in another animal species. He sees how he can FEED off you! He can see that you have a rich flavour to you and he plans to indulge himself, indeed GORGE himself on your personal richness, leaving you completely depleted of your former personality!

Everything he does for you (as he sees things), he sees as an investment. He literally INVESTS his time and money in you initially with the sole intention of duping you into believing that he is genuine. This is NARCISSISTIC GROOMING at its most evil. This is a game to him but he has got to set you up first, hasn´t he?

He has got to get you to willingly step on his game board (his web of lies/his life) with him. That is crucial! Your willingness is his victory. You walk willingly onto his game board (into his life/web of lies)! He didn´t force you; you agreed! You said "YES"! Even as he trampled many of my boundaries, he began to set a new force field around me. 

Boundaries that were invisible to the eye but they were there none the less. They were psychological boundaries! The NARCISSIST´S voice would seem to speak in my head for me even as I was looking in my wardrobe. "I´d best not wear that dress, had I? He´s sure to say something negative about it!"

YES! The boundaries were all being set up around me, though I did not FEEL them harshly in those early days. I was dedicated to my nephew and NARCISSIST. We were a FAMILY and I was endeavouring to live as a NORMAL (if you please), FAMILY. Those boundaries FELT more protective than prohibitive in those days.

I did not need freedom to do anything in particular but I never thought that I would need to fight for the freedom just to be ME. Myself, as I am, with all of my own colours. And of course, that is what I am really fighting for right now. The freedom to be ME again! The freedom to be ME twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, four weeks a month and twelve months of the year! 

I have been in hiding for the last twenty-nine years and I am longing to come out into the open once more and speak with my own voice and hear my own voice say what my own mind is thinking. Not hear my voice saying what the NARCISSIST expects me to say! To be able to make my own decisions based upon my criteria and not have to abide by his warped, twisted decisions which are ALL erroneous!

WHO CAME OUT WINNING, IF THIS WAS JUST A GAME?

If I tell you that the only time the NARCISSIST refers to this period of two and a half years of his life and my life, supposedly shared together, is when he is raging. Then all of a sudden he is raging about my nephew´s school fees. My sister paid for the greater part of those three years spent at a private school.

That is all he cares to remember. What he did for me! He supported my nephew financially and that is a thorn in his side. That he punishes me with almost every time that he goes into rage mode. He refers to nothing else at all. All that time spent together and all he dwells on, is how HIS money was spent on something that did not benefit HIM!

This is a recurring habit of the NARCISSIST male. OH, YES! He is keeping a score and everything that he has done for you, is logged like a numbered and dated list. That is all our relationship of twenty-nine years means to him in reality. ALL the things that he has done for me and all that he has paid for me!

Hence why I MUST FEEL grateful and indebted to him. That is the NARCISSISTIC trap. This is what he holds over you. YES! He did pay that! YES! He did take you to the hospital for an appointment! YES; he did! But that is what a partnership is all about; isn´t it? Working together, helping each other and lending your support to your partner!

Not so the NARCISSIST male; OH, NO! Everything that he does for you and spends on you, is so sorely BEGRUDGED simply because he doesn´t really want to do anything for you and he certainly does not want to use any of his money on you. "YOU are not worth my money!"

Though strangely enough, it is by generosity both supportively and financially, that he dupes you into his trap. He lulls you literally into a false sense of security. He allows you to think and FEEL that you are in a genuine, reciprocal relationship with a fellow ADULT who actually cares about you.

When you hear the words launched at you during his raging attacks and his shredding criticism of you, it is staggeringly difficult to understand how this person can be full of so much hatred towards you when you are doing everything you can to please him and keep the peace! But of course, he does HATE you and he ALWAYS did!  

That is what is so hard to get into your head. How can such evil people exist? I can see that I became semi-NARCISSIST too. I began to hide my real self from him, in order to protect me from his attemps at CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. That was the best decision I have made since I have known him.

It is she who is talking to you right now. She who has been locked away for almost three decades now. So what can I/she take from this two and a half year series of episodes that had seen me come full-circle on myself. Though not quite full-circle, as somehow I now found myself in a worse position than I had been before I met him.

The downward spiral had begun!! Though I was not FEELING things that way right then. OH, NO! I was longing to take the pressure off our situation. Making one excuse after another to not pay something on time! Oh, I was hating this new life of mine which saw me skulking behind trees, etc!

So, in consequence, I was just longing to put some distance between myself and there. And so it was that we moved into his studio in the city and then began the business of trying to make it liveable. I FELT that as this was his property, or at least he had a mortgage for it, maybe we would have greater stability here and my nephew could get the organized school bus! 

TRAPPED IN A NARCISSIST´S WEB OF LIES! Photo by Stephen Mease on Unsplash.

I´VE GOT YOU BABE!

It seems mad now to say this but I have to be honest with myself and you my readers. I´m sure many of you will know the Sonny and Cher hit song from the 1960s titled, "I´VE GOT YOU BABE!" Personally I prefer the later version from the 1980s of one of my favourite bands UB40, who joined up with Chrissie Hynde, the singer in the band THE PRETENDERS.

They put a reggae kick into the song and it FELT much fresher and still very relevant. In brief, the lyrics are about two young people who have no money, no jobs, no future prospects but hey? Whilst they have got each other, they will always have a lot!

And at that moment in time, that is exactly how I FELT. I FELT fortunate that he was not blaming me for this change in his fortunes. I FELT always that it would have been so much easier for him to have just walked away from me. Little did I understand of him then, as you can see!

Oh, no! He knew all that was coming his way. All that would have to fall. He had just been kicked out of his home leaving behind a wife and two children. She wanted a divorce of course and the family home, plus allowances for the children! Quite normal of course!

He though, is un-contactable, isn´t he? No one knows where he is! He was flitting with the shadows as well, trying to keep a low profile and not be seen by anyone who he knew. I had thought that whilst we had a rocky start, we would be able to build upon what we had.

But he already had big debts building up, big debts that he never told me about. That is the web that I am trapped in even now. He had got himself a web of lies already built! It was flimsy because he didn´t have high quality silk to spin with but if he could tempt a juicy, female spider to come mate with him, now that could make all the difference! "She will convert my web into a safety net!"

"If I invite her to be my Queen and give her the place of honour in the centre of my web, where it is most comfortable, maybe she will tred willingly across my boundaries without seeing them, so wanting to get mating!" How sad but true! The BLACK WIDOW (the female), sat at the centre of the web whilst the little mate brings her food and mating services!

Well, maybe that doesn´t sound like a bad deal, or at least from where I am sitting it doesn´t! I was unaware of his invisible thread being wound around me each and every day and it was not until many years later when the desire to increase my boundaries revived which allowed me to discover how ENTANGLED I really was!

THE FINAL SCORE!

I needed emotional support all through those two and a half years and he provided it. I know that he needed to pick up my morale so that I was better able to serve him, so it was wholly selfish of course. I had no one else and as such, I was immensely grateful to him. So, he served my personal needs by and large.

I was looking for stability for me and my nephew and he provided what seemed like stability until I learnt of houses of cards!!!! My nephew was able to settle well into infants school and those three years were crucial. The years between five and eight are crucial learning years. I was so glad that he was able to have these three years at an English school!

So, within what I could provide for my nephew, we were probably better off here than had we been in London! He loved living by the beach too. All in all, we got out of those years most of what was essential and much that was extra too. We went out further afield often and the NARCISSIST would seem to enjoy taking us to different places around the region.

I really could never have guessed that all the time, he was waiting for the axe to fall. But no one knew where he was yet and so, there was still more time to be spent in limbo. Well, my and my nephew´s exuberance must have seemed such a stark contrast to his inner sensations but he never let on that anything was pending or looming!

Truly I believed that I had become his reason for getting up every day and continuing the struggle. I respected him for that but oh, how wrong I was! I was keeping him going emotionally, wasn´t I? He would come back to his meagre studio home and find such a cheerful and loving welcome. I still struggle to believe that he FELT no genuine love and affection to either of us.

No, it was he who had got me BABE!!!!! And that really did mean that he had a lot and he knew it. I had got a nasty, deceiptful NARCISSIST who was keeping me happy for the most part. What he got out of these two and a half years that was positive can only be the love and affection that me and my nephew gave him.

But I am wrong there! Our tremendous quantities of love and affection must have been very demanding for him as he had to try and be reciprocal. We must have exhausted him physically and emotionally. That is probably where his positive lies. We were able to keep his mind distracted from his looming doom when he was at home.

Our laughter and fun, our energy and readiness to do just about anything, helped keep his demons at bay. At all times he would have been thinking, "If she finds out that I have been lying to her all along, she will surely leave me!" And so he would work systematically hard at being my Prince Charming!

We got to know how it was to live by the beach. We got to know what it was to be with very little money. I got to know what it was to be hounded by people needing payment. I was ready to run away too! Our TRAUMA BONDING was formalized!

My apologies for my absence this week, as I said in the last post, I have been attending a course and will mention that on another occasion. Thank you for reading today and in the next post I will begin my second series worth of episodes, although this series lasted just one year. 

So, please check back or sign up to follow and I can let you know when my posts are published! Hello to you ALL in Hong Kong, China, Singapore, UK, US and The Seychelles THIS IS PARADISE ON EARTH, PURE, NATURAL BLISS! There is a link to one of my posts talking of my visits to The Seychelles, for any interested.