NARCISSISTIC GUILT-TRIPS AND PRESSURE!

REMEMBERING BACK TO A CHRISTMAS MANY YEARS AGO; THIRTY-THREE YEARS ON AND I AM SHARING THIS CHRISTMAS WITH ANOTHER NARCISSIST! POST NO.11/N (A 10 minute read)

I can hear the opening line of the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl´s incredible song titled "A FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK" in my head. "It was Christmas Eve, babe......" A song which tells a sad story of narcissism, shared dreams that were conflicting. But why were they conflicting if the relationship had started by mutual consent?

HE had his vision of you fitting into his SCHEMES; not DREAMS! SHE had a vision of building her DREAMS and HIS DREAMS and fusing them together! They were with crossed purposes from the outset sadly! SHE was speaking with sincerity but HE was not. HE apparently shared HER dreams, weren´t HIS dreams were the same as HER´S.

That is why he seemed like the perfect partner! That is why you seemed to be so intune! That is why you could see a path towards your chosen future with this male! But HE was playing the part of your ideal dream partner! He knew full well at every moment, that he did not want to share in your dream but he could see how he could manipulate you.

"I´ve  built my dreams around you!" HE sings in the song! YES!!! Sadly, HE did build HIS dreams around HER but not in the way SHE had hoped, of course. My favourite line is this one sung by the late Kirsty MacColl, "Happy Christmas my arse, I pray god it´s our last!" This song has long had meaning to me and I FEEL the losses of the female in the lyrics.

You can hear the bitterness of HIM and HER. HE is still blaming and re-framing like the typical narcissist. SHE just wants out once and for all and to finally move on and away from this narcissist who has brought her so low down as to almost be out of the count!

MY SUNDOWN ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

I AM BUILDING A DREAM; I NEED SOMEONE TO FILL A ROLE!

Getting back to my NARCISSIST boyfriend no.2 and well, having had a close encounter with a male narcissist before, there are many alarm bells clanging; I can assure you. I was trying quite hard to keep this one at a distance. I was trying hard to set my boundaries. "No. I am not coming out tonight! I am tired and want an early night!"

It was mid-week and I had to be up early for work. He was unemployed and so had nowhere in particular to go or anything of any importance to do. Hence their full-on attention towards you, they literally have nothing better to do. You become their focal point and they focus entirely on you; at this early stage.

I FELT that as pressuring and I did not like it at all. My guy of two and a half years was never like that, nor was I with him. If he had something else lined up that did not involve me; GREAT! That was no problem for me! I could accept that! I did not mind him having contact with his family and friends beyond me!

Neither did he expect me to drop everything and everyone for him. That is why it was such a good relationship! We both had a life before we met and we did not have to renounce that life because we had entered into a sentimental relationship. Not at all. We introduced each other to all that was of major importance to us personally and we embraced also those people of importance to our beloved partner.

The narcissist does not have friends and as a rule, neither do they wish to have contact with their family. This second narcissist did not have a family beyond one brother who I met actually this day thirty-three years ago. That makes for a very solitary type of person, the lone wolf character, always on the prowl, always looking for opportunities.

Pressurizing is a NARCISSISTIC action. You have made a request/suggestion/proposal and the other person has said, "NO!" So, the question is put to you again but this time around, it FEELS less like a suggestion. You say "NO!" again and give your reasons for saying no. Once more comes the request, now laid out in a different format. "NO!" you say again.

The NARCISSIST does not take "NO" for an answer. They will keep whittling away at your resolve until you say "YES". That is why we need to have strong boundaries as human beings if we want to avoid NARCISSISTS. We must understand that this is not PASSION, this is not a burning DESIRE to be with you, yourself!

HE is an opportunist and has got a whiff of you! So, he is now prodding, jabbing, manipulating, coercing, cajoling, provoking and even threatening you. He is in effect INTIMIDATING you, making you afraid to stand your ground and say "NO" to that which you do not want.

NARCISSISTIC tactics on display for you. A decent human male would understand that you were working and had an early start, he would not have been so persistent and pushy because he would likely be in a similar situation. "YES! Friday evening would be great!" Even though that is four nights away.

That decent male and I, could have very easily got through those four nights apart. We had other people and dogs within our lives. We had other relationships that were important to us and we wanted to be able to give time to those as well. We did not need to live in each other´s pockets. We needed to have our own space for our separate lives as well as our shared time together.

An ideal relationship is one that has two independent adult people in it who can accept the other person´s private space. But if as individual person, you are totally solitary and longing for an INTIMATE (not intimacy, I will add), you are going to need all of a person´s time to fill all of your inner emptiness and of course, be fed with the positivity that a human being could bring your way.

You would also need to off-load all of your daily supply of toxic venom! Hence the need for the INTIMATE. Just as a witch/wizard has their toads/cats/rats as their INTIMATES, so does the NARCISSIST need an INTIMATE. So close that they cannot get away, surviving off the breadcrumbs that come their way and even being grateful for those few crumbs!

CRUMBLED BOUNDARIES AND GUILT-TRIPPING TO BOOT!

I knew this guy was a bad deal. I had kept my cards close to my chest all the way thus far. I knew that he had a court case pending and that he would (according to him), be disappearing for a while. Meaning that he would no longer be around! "Could I write to him whilst he was out of circulation?"

How and why? Oh, how I have turned this over in my head trying to find the real answer. How did I manage to not get away from him when my whole body and mind were telling me to do so? I FELT sorry for him! I pitied him! He got me on the "I´m a poor, little victim, nobody loves me!" trip. The guilt trip in other words.

He had been lining me up as a support tool for his upcoming stay in the nick!! Like I needed that! I had left one Prince Charming behind for the same reasons. I was off to Paris in a few weeks; I didn´t need this guy at all. I could see what he was worth. But he worked on my conscience, weak little INFJ type as I am.

The proverbial "Saviour of the Human race!" Well folks, it has taken one hell of a long time for this little INFJ type to recognize man-kind; it really has! Like I could be saving any other human being when I am in dire need of saving from my own lack of judgement??? Oh, the hypocrisy of it all! The loss of personal integrity which leads to hypocrisy!

I had refused to give him my address or phone number; something I learnt from the first NARCISSIST???!!!! He gave me the address of a contact who would forward him my contact details when I had them. I had told him, "I´m off on my travels! I do not know where I might be!" Trying to be as vague as possible.

So, I walked away with an address on a piece of paper and relieved to have got through these five weeks without being beaten to a pulp! I went off to Paris in the New Year and got back into the swing of things. Maybe it was that the distance FELT safe, or was it the informality of the postal box number, or did I have to prove that I was away from the UK?

Whatever the truth was; I sent him a contact address and he began to communicate by letter with me. I knew that I did not want to do this. I had been there before with my beleaguered Prince Charming (misidentified as NARCISSIST but was in fact displaying narcissistic traits as learnt from a NARCISSIST female partner). This was not my life, I did not need to be a part of their troubled lives. But I admit that both of them had made me FEEL very sorry for them!

The guilt tripping had worked on me. I thought that I would be able to keep a cool distance and keep it amicable but already I had been trapped although I did not as yet know it!

Wishing everyone who celebrates Christmas a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS with plenty of peace and goodwill to ALL. I have had my Christmas Eve dinner with my NARCISSIST in peace and with goodwill on both our parts. So sad that it is but an act! I hope that will not be the way for the rest of you.

I will finish off this second NARCISSIST in the next post. I am dragging my feet I know. I cannot believe that all of this really happened. I could see all that was going to be but was unable to prevent it from happening. WHY? I still can´t quite see the answer, maybe in the next post I will torture myself sufficiently to get closer to that answer!

So, check back when you have a moment and if anyone would like to follow these trains of thought of mine, I do have a follow tab in the right-hand panel, or why not drop me a comment below. I would love to hear some of your thoughts too. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS to ALL who FEEL the NEED to celebrate the occasion.

KEEPING AN EYE ON THE WINTER WEATHER!

GLOBAL WARMING IS A TRAGIC REALITY; HOW WILL I FARE THIS WINTER I WONDER?  POST NO.1/WW (A 9 minute read)

Good evening readers and I hope that it is a pleasant evening that you are spending and that you are spending it in good company! This is an introductory post to a new file/page of posts entitled: "WATCHING MY WINTER WEATHER". Once again this year 2023, we have made new records with regards to our meteorological conditions here in Spain, as well as world-wide.

For want of distraction, I am going to monitor daily the weather here in southern Spain where I am currently living and actually log day by day what the weather is doing. I know that we have very serious concerns in Andalucía, as the food garden of Europe and our scarcity of water. There are many areas who have suffered water restrictions this year and the outlook for the next twelve months is dire.

Rainfall is so infrequent and comes in such small quantities, as to be causing real drought conditions. Desertification is a reality here in Andalucía! Vast areas of agricultural crops are failing from lack of water but the natural source of water from the sky; always seems to fall somewhere else! So, I will be paying particular attention to our rainfall, if indeed we have any.

Today being 21st December 2023, it is the shortest day of the year by hours of daylight and our European winter time officially begins today. We have an ongoing debate here in Spain regarding the changing of the clocks or not! And if we do not change the clocks anymore; where do we leave them? On British Summer Time or on British Winter Time?

I will also be monitoring the sunrise and sunset times which do vary considerably from the east coast of Spain to the west coast of Spain. The eastern side want to stay in BST and the western side wants to stay in BWT! I think we may need two time bands in truth. The changes from autumn to winter here have been very subtle since I have lived this far south, this now being my ninth winter spent down here. 

Any who have read my first book titled: ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN or my second book titled: ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT, both written down here, will know that the internal temperature of my home can fall pretty low and for the record, it is currently at 16ºC with the gas heater on! Hence I am tucked into my bed with the laptop writing this post!!

WHAT WILL THIS WINTER HAVE IN STORE FOR US?

Being as we are just four days away from Christmas Day, there will be many wondering if it will snow on that day and make all their Christmas card ideals come true; it would be a WHITE Christmas! Where I am right now in the Almería province by the Mediterranean Sea, I can FEEL absolutely sure that it will not be snowing here on Christmas Day!

No, I have never known snow at Christmas time in all of my thirty-three years lived here, both in Andalucía and Barcelona. There are places in Spain that will have a white Christmas and I will try and find out where they are too. My prevision for Christmas Day is for sunshine with a few clouds and maximum temperatures of 18ºC. A typical winter´s day here!!

In truth, I am not expecting anything extraordinary to come my way and take me by surprise. The winters are mild this far south and they have long been dry as well. The sunshine levels are high too (great news for those with solar panels of course, me not being one of them!), which does allow outdoor activities to continue without too much suffering.

It is the UV levels that particularly interest me, living in a southern position as I do. Fair-skinned as I am, I am really noticing year on year the increased intensity of the sun´s rays. My front porch is a sun-trap between 13.30pm and 15.00pm, which has been my saving grace all winter, every winter, thus far. 

Although we are now officially entering into the winter season, I am still needing 50 SPF suncream and can barely stay in the sun for 30 minutes! So, I will be endeavouring to keep my Vitamin D levels topped up, whilst not burning my skin and monitor the actual intensity of the sun throughout these winter months, as told by my own skin´s tolerance and the UV levels. 

THE PALM TREES SHOW ME THE WIND DIRECTION! NORTH-WESTERLY TODAY!

WHICH WAY WILL THE WIND BLOW?

The direction of the wind really does make a difference where I am sat in the world. I can see clearly from the palm trees outside of my window which way the wind is blowing. As east coastal dwellers, we are subject to the LEVANTE winds which blow in from the eastern Mediterranean. These winds bring warm, dry conditions as a rule.

Often we find the SIROCCO winds, which rise from the Sahara Desert region and drift northwards to smother us here in very hot African air. These are gentle and slow moving but also bring much Saharan sand floating on that southern air too. This post that I wrote in May 2022 shows a photo of a dramatic Saharan sand cloud that eventually drifted right up to my home village in Gran Bretaña. COMING OUT OF THE COLD; AT LAST! 

Actually I was acknowledging the arrival of spring and celebrating my survival of another bitter winter indoors in that post!!! But I was reviewing the chapter of my second book that I was writing when that whole very unusual event took place. The sky turned completely orange and stayed that way all day!! The photo shows the view that I had out of my back window! As the caption says; there was no problem with my camera!! That is how it really was!

We are also affected by the PONIENTE winds which blow in from the west across the Atlantic Ocean. These are the winds that bring a cooler, fresher feel to the air and bring the temperatures down accordingly, as well as higher humidity levels. Higher outdoor humidity levels mean higher indoor humidity levels and the consequent issues with mould on the walls!

Therefore, if I have a preference for wind, I have to prefer the LEVANTE which does keep a warm feel to the day and a drier sensation indoors too! It is the levels of humidity which create the sensation that the temperatures are lower than they actually are. The DAMP conditions of the winter months which see us wrapping up well and struggling to get any washing dry!!

RAIN, WIND OR SHINE!

So, rain, wind or shine, I will be making a note of it and begin compiling a comprehensive set of data. I will also be checking back on previous years and seeing how they compare. Has it been wetter, warmer, sunnier or cooler than ever before? 

I will be writing up the daily statistics on the "WATCHING MY WINTER WEATHER" PAGE ONE for any who might be interested in knowing how the climate is down here and I will write a weekly post for this page where I will summarise the week´s conditions.

A little something for me to focus on each day which is unrelated to my ongoing pages of posts: "TALES FROM THE TOMB" PAGE ONE and "UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM" PAGE ONE. It will be as my meteorological diary. Something that I used to do in fact! I would always make a note on my calendar of the day´s temperature and conditions.

The last five years have seen me lose ALL of my positive habits and adopt so many negative habits instead that were never mine. It is time to get back on track and get back in touch with the reality of the weather at least! I have every intention of trying to get some positivity going again this New Year 2024, so I will start warming up (hopefully), with the daily weather!

NARCISSISTS ONLY PREY ON LONELY PEOPLE!

HOW DO YOU FIND YOURSELF IN ANOTHER NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP; DID WE LEARN NOTHING FROM OUR FIRST AWAKENING? POST NO.10/N (A 10 minute read)

Without doubt I have been stalling this week and I know full well why that is! Yes, it is necessary for me to finally speak of these ugly episodes of my life and air my memory stores fully. They have harboured the secrets of narcissistic violence and manipulation for far too long. 

Whilst I may have thought that I had moved on from these tortuous times, whilst writing my first book titled ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN I could FEEL the anxiety coming upon me even as I drew close to those particular years of my life. Yes, I had FELT so much FEAR and I could see that it had been this FEAR which I had taken away from this doomed relationship with me.

I had moved away but had I moved on? No, that was what I could see as I was writing my book. I even said it out loud. I have always been running away from all that made me FEEL afraid. Running away from all that I could not change and as such, could not cope with. Check back to this post in which I was reviewing the chapter of my book which dealt with these years!

You can see that although I wrote that post eleven months ago; I still was not ready to fill in the ugly NARCISSISTIC details and made no mention of them! This is the link for you if you are interested: OUR PRECIOUS NEW ARRIVAL MARKS A NEW ERA OF LIFE!

The circumstances surrounding the meeting of this second NARCISSIST male were completely different to the first one. In spite of that though, I became unwillingly snared once again. Though I can say that this time around; I was full of foreboding!

THE RUN UP TO MEETING ANOTHER YOUNG MALE NARCISSIST!

I had just lived the most incredible five years of my life. Since my separation with my long-term partner (two and a half years), I had been away from my home area and my circles had continued to increase in their dimensions and reach.

I had even been able to fulfill many long-standing ambitions, amongst those were the trekking across the Sahara Desert and boating up the River Niger to Tombouctou in Mali. I had been living and working in southern Spain and was FEELING like quite an independent female, who was making her own decisions and choices. Paying my own way; the only way to be your own boss!

Any who read that first book of mine will know that in the summer of 1990, my luck ran out and I had returned to my home area again, wondering what to do next! Finding work was obviously a priority and I had been lucky to pick up a part-time job quickly. It was a way of easing me in again to a regular routine and also gave me the opportunity to do some well-needed (non-narcissistic) de-toxing of my own!

That job saw me through to the end of Autumn and I had got my weight back to where it needed to be. I had got back into a regular, healthy eating routine and had incorporated an exercise routine as well. So, I was FEELING pretty good in myself. I had not wanted to leave Spain but I was getting over that now.

Christmas was on the horizon and I got a job for the six week Christmas period, selling Christmas trees and decorations. What I had not realized at all, was that I had to be my own boss. I had the shop floor space and my space in the storage depot, where my cargo of Christmas gear was all waiting for me to set up a grand display and get selling!

I had been given the job there and then, to my great surprise and delight. YES! It was just what I needed as I was toying with the idea of going off abroad again in the new year and needed of course, some money with which to do so!

LONELINESS MAKES US EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE! Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash.

BRITISH PUBS, GOING IN, OVER, UP, DOWN OR ROUND THEM?

That heading might have you asking questions of me but I will explain of course! Next door to this store where I had just been given a job, was a pub called "THE LAMB". Maybe you can hear the danger already! Now, I did not go "IN" The Lamb, no one went "IN" The Lamb for some strange reason. No, everyone went "OVER" The Lamb!!!

My home city was brimming with beautiful pubs of all names, ages and styles. As young English people in the 1970s and 1980s, we were inevitably drawn to our pub culture and each had their own particular favourites. I had been "OVER" The Lamb on the odd occasion but it was not one of my regular pubs.

I usually went "IN" THE BELL, where I had worked for a year myself. Funnily enough, The Bell was one of the few pubs that you went "IN"! Alternatively one might have gone "UP" The Murderers, or "UP" The Adam and Eve. You could have gone "ROUND" The Woolpack for example. Or "DOWN" The Louis Marchesi, or "ROUND" The Lawyer, or perhaps "OVER" The Mischief Tavern!

This always made me laugh about our pub culture and people really did go, DOWN, UP, OVER, ROUND and on a few occasions, "IN" a public house. They were the days; as we say! Since the no smoking in public places laws came into being, there has been a dramatic decline in what used to be; an absolutely thriving business.

Back to 1990 and at 2pm mid-week, The Lamb had a healthy number of clients and I took a seat at the bar and ordered myself a drink. I was celebrating; I had just got a job!! That did FEEL like good reason to celebrate; it did! I chatted with a few known faces until they went on their way, probably UP, DOWN, ROUND, IN or OVER another pub!!

I had every intention of heading home shortly, as I was supposed to be starting this job the next morning. All the best laid plans hey!!!??? I think back and I can see just how important path crossing with others really is in determining many of the choices and decisions that we make in our lives. 

If I had done the sensible thing and limited myself to just a couple of celebratory drinks and headed off home in time for dinner, I doubt that my path would ever have crossed with this low-life at all. Having had more than a couple of drinks and still sat at the bar, this young male walks up to the bar, orders his drink and sits on a bar stool near me.

I had been laughing with the now largely unoccupied bar tender who obviously knew this new arrival, as such the conversation widened out and I got talking with this new male. Many more drinks went down and the decision was made to get something to eat and then I would head off home. Why did I not go off home after that bite to eat?

APPLYING PRESSURE FROM THE WORD GO!

It is because of weak boundaries and personal insecurities, that folk like me are manipulated with relative ease by the manipulatory types like the NARCISSIST. He was good looking; I was not going to have a relationship with him. It would be a one off, that is what I said to myself. I was celebrating after all!!!

I am aware that I tried to say "NO" in many different formats but he continued pressuring me and the promise of a good time ahead, saw me drop my guard, overstep my rather weak boundaries and off I went with him! To say that I had a good time that evening would not be strictly true because in fact I was alerted to some home truths of this male and I did not like the look of them!

No, he might be funny and chatty but I could see that he came with a lot of unpleasant baggage. No, I was not going to make this a permanent thing. I made the decision to be guarded about personal information and I could FEEL the alarm bells clanging as he would keep insisting on the same questions over and over again.

This pushiness I did not like. Sad to say, given the circumstances, I had to turn up for my first day in my new job without even having had a wink of sleep the night before. What a way to start and of course, he knew where I was working. Whilst he had gone off and slept for the rest of the day, I had to dig really deep and get stuck in, FEELING as rough as I did.

Shortly before I finished off for the day, he walked by my area of the store, mentioning my new uniform and how he liked females in uniform. That did nothing to ingratiate him with me, quite the opposite in fact. It was "OVER" The Lamb therefore after work, for a first day celebratory drink!

Being absolutely done in as I was and of course, needing a shower big time, I managed to get away from him that evening and get myself back home, washed up and into bed by 9pm. Next morning I was up early and got a lift into the city with my father, looking (and smelling) somewhat fresher than the day before.

A representative from the Christmas decoration company came to see me and give me a run down on the situation. She was suitably impressed by my display area, as set up the day before and wished me well with the Christmas campaign. I was so relieved that she had not come the day before; I might have given her a completely different impression of myself.

Maybe an impression which would have also been true. That of a very weak boundaried, irresponsible and rather immature (for a 24 year old) female who looked like being pretty unreliable too! That has been me; I confess that! That is what happens when you have weak boundaries. Other people can cajole you and encourage you to put aside what you know you should be concentrating on and play their game with them instead!

After five years away from my home city, I had broken all the relationships that I had formally had. That ISOLATION coming into play again and leaving one NEEDY of companionship, not LOVE but companionship. I can see now that this is one of the lingering sources of vulnerability which are caused by a narcissistic relationship with a monster in male form.

It is that cutting of ties with all things and all people that does in effect alienate you from your home surroundings and all that was familiar to you. They say that familiarity breeds contempt, well, in truth, familiarity is our greatest security. I FELT insecure within that environment which had always FELT so secure.

My naivety had been breached and knowing now the realities of a NARCISSISTIC male, I now knew FEAR and HATRED! That first NARCISSISTIC male actually succeeded in breaking up my happy home life and seeding deep insecurities within me. No, I would never be the same person again. But this second NARCISSIST male was about to add countless destruction to my life.

Next post I will try and rake over some more of this rotting, festering, old ground of mine. FEEL welcome to comment and check back soon. Have a great day!!

LIVING AFTER A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP!

MY GOING SOLO YEARS BEGAN AND I HAD EVERY INTENTION OF STAYING OH, SO, VERY SOLO FOR THE INDEFINITE FUTURE! POST NO.9/N (A 12 minute read)

There was a chapter in my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback, which was titled GOING SOLO and I reviewed that chapter in Post No.32, GOING SOLO! A NEW ERA BEGINS! should anyone wish to have a look back on my blog. It was posted on 19th December 2022, so, very nearly a whole year ago!

Even as I was writing that first book and going through the years of my life lived, I could see all that I was NOT writing about. I could see clearly that I still had a number of "NO GO" areas in my brain, even though I had FELT that those years were behind me now and that I had moved on from those particular times of extreme TURBULENCE caused to me by my proximity with NARCISSISTIC people.

I knew though, that I wanted that first book of mine to have no ugliness in it, nothing to mar the beauty that I was trying to re-find. Oh, yes! I certainly left out some very important happenings in my life which really did affect me badly at the time and yes, I had moved on, or at least I thought I had.

NARCISSIST boyfriend No.1 therefore, was still a pending issue. I have FELT absolutely drained since I wrote those most recent posts of mine, in which I have revealed for the first time, my true FEELINGS of the physical and psychological suffering that I sustained. It has been a very positive move for me to take and is not the emptiness that I now FEEL because I no longer keep this secret to myself?

Is it because I have shared this truth, because I have off-loaded this truth which has been a dark, dark, blemish upon my younger life and shed light upon it, that I now FEEL a sense of emptiness. Is not a COVERT NARCISSIST able to stay COVERT (covered-up), because we, the victims, are so ashamed of having fallen under their spells, that we never talk to anyone about these awful happenings?

It seems to me as though he has vanished, as though he is no longer living solely within me, riddling me with the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), that was the real result of that terrible relationship. I have also been able to admit and see clearer than ever before, the part that my own mother, NARCISSIST too, has played in creating my Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

Leaving me "RIPE" and "NEEDY". The perfect victim for the NARCISSIST! WHY? Because those little INFJ types like myself, who should be all about positives and assertiveness, have swayed permanently between those two pillars of heaven and hell, that is the chosen living strategy of the NARCISSISTIC parent.

As such, I suffered very similar symptoms as my first NARCISSIST boyfriend. I could sympathize with him initially because I knew what it was to be rejected by my mother, I knew what it was to be criticised by my mother, I knew what it was to have love given as a reward, or withdrawn as a punishment. And yet, I myself, have never been allowed to stay where I belong, which is in that realm of all things righteous and worthy!

GOOD OR EVIL; IS IT NOT OUR OWN CHOICE?

My father was so right! We do ALL have a choice as to how we behave. I have made it my choice to try and stay on the side of the righteous and worthy and I will adhere to that choice for the rest of my life. I could obviously, with all of the examples that I have had in my life of both female and male NARCISSISTS, just be an exact copy of they themselves.

I NEED to stay loyal to me. I am INFJ type, I really do have something to live for and so much to give. I NEED to stay loyal to my father too, absolutely the best example of a father that a child could ever have. He is not a ghost from my past, oh, no; far from it! There is no part of him that needs to be emptied out of my brain; none at all!

It seemed so easy for me to sympathize with these adopted/abandoned young people as I knew what it was to always be wanting to reciprocate with those that I loved but on completely different terms. Starting with an equality; for example. I could see very clearly just how uncomfortable our society made life for those children.

Having no superior force (like I had my DAD!), to keep encouraging them to veer to the positive pole, they seemed to have an almost magnetic pull towards the negative pole. And of course, wanted to drive all of the positivity out of your life, leaving you full to overflow with all of their negatives and your own perceived and real negatives too.

They try to convert you into one and the same as them. Because you (PTSD/ADD sufferer), do share so many of the same emotions and sentiments as the NARCISSIST; intimacy is very quick to occur. It seems as though you are at last able to empty out your true thoughts and FEELINGS. I believe that to a degree, the NARCISSIST also reveals some of his true FEELINGS.

Therein the major problem with moving away from them. You are the holder of their SECRETS. They have confided some of their true VULNERABILITY in you. You have been let into their secret world of injured emotions and now; you CANNOT leave them. WHY? Because you may just tell their truth to someone and have that facade be revealed to be just that; a facade!

There is a small, injured child underneath all of the violent, aggressive and bullish behaviour. That is the case of every NARCISSIST and that is what they are permanently trying to deny. You could feasibly; now blow their cover! Taking the COVERT out of the NARCISSIST. Leaving him bare and without his false-self, without his shield of protection which gives the appearance of a tough, hard, resistant, resilient, impermeable person! 

YES! THERE HAS TO BE AN END TO ALL NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIPS! Photo by Available Psychologist on Unsplash.

WHAT PART DOES SELF-BELIEF PLAY IN NARCISSISTIC CHOICES?

SELF-BELIEF is our key to ALL and EVERYTHING positive. If we cannot believe in our own selves, then we really are going to be destined for a very mediocre level of living. As very young children though, it is those adults close to us who (hopefully), seek to instill self-belief in us. They do so through praise and encouragement, helping to boost our confidence in our own abilities.

Again, I see that determining factor (my Dad), which has seen me absolutely 100% convinced that I do not want to be living in the world of NARCISSISTS but my own levels of self-belief had all but disappeared until 2020 when I began to make my come-back bid! I am finding some self-belief again but I FEEL as though I am experiencing a repeat of my childhood.

I can find no one who will support my self-belief in myself. I am seen as a complete waste of life by ALL it seems! I long for EVALUATION by a human being. A NARCISSIST´S evaluation is meaningless. They have nothing to judge you by. MAN-KIND and I, will never walk hand-in-hand. And so, just as I was doing in my GOING SOLO era, so am I doing again now!

Hoping and hoping and hoping some more, that I might just get a positive comment from a HUMAN BEING one day in my life. Which is surely why I have always opted to stay tuned into the positive pole. As you will NEVER receive any APPRAISAL from a NARCISSIST for doing anything that could be considered as positive to you, yourself! Neither will you earn their APPROVAL or APPRAISAL for anything negative! They are absolutely "NO WIN!" cases.

Nothing to gain at all therefore, from a NARCISSIST. Their own PTSD and ADD, mean that they are in such NEED that they really cannot see beyond their own deficiencies and deficits, which have been served to them by cruel hands, oh, yes! But were you the girlfriend responsible for any of this cruelty caused to another young person? Of course not!

Sadly though, because you care (initially), they use that against you and you become their personal punch-bag, scapegoat, you bear the guilt for every short coming that they have. That is NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER, which is surely derived from a combination of Complex PTSD and ADD.

YOU HAVE TO DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM YOUR NARCISSIST TORMENTORS TO FIND YOUR SELF-BELIEF!

Yes, sadly that is true! I can see that I have always had to do that. "You can´t do that! You won´t be able to do that! What do you know about that? You haven´t got the qualifications for that!" The list of negative statements that come out of a NARCISSIST´S mouth when you display self-belief/confidence; is long indeed!

All of them endeavouring to reduce your self-belief and confidence in your own ability to make your own independent decisions. They offer you no support or encouragement ever! Always belittling you, always trying to ridicule you and your attempts at independence. Always negative when it comes to your own ideas but well, wouldn´t you know, that they are full of ideas as to what you COULD do!!

All of their ideas have one thing in common; they ALL relate to the MAN-MADE scheme of things! So, highly unsuited to an INFJ type HUMAN BEING like myself! Their tiny, little aspirations for you are soul-rendering. "Is that all you think I am worth?" NO! They know what you could be worth were you ever allowed to have support to be your own person!

Being your own person would of course, mean that you would be moving away from them and that is the crux of the matter! You would be deserting them; in their vision of things! You would not be around to keep receiving their rages, outbursts and insults, then turn around and show them love and affection in a quantity previously unknown to them.

They are in fact totally dependent on YOU and that is why they try continuously, each and every day, to break your self-confidence and your self-belief. They must make you believe that you are dependent on them, by undermining your capabilities, by raking up past errors of judgement, by making you over grateful at their standing by you in difficult days.

GOING SOLO!

I can remember being rather nervous as my plane touched down in Tangier, Morocco. It was the first time that I travelled abroad alone. I had recently ended a two and a half year relationship which had seen my faith restored in the male of my species. No, they were not ALL NARCISSISTS. It was a very healthy, young adult relationship which came to a natural close by mutual consent.

But going solo again after a long relationship, does take some time to get used to and of course, there is usually some sadness, as was my case here, that our paths had come as far as they could happily run together. Now we had to want the best for each other and support each other´s choices, which we did and very well!

It was probably just 30 minutes after my arrival at Tangier airport that my SOLO status suddenly FELT like a wonderful gift and I enjoyed that month of travel to the absolute maximum. I enjoyed that month in a way that I had not enjoyed any of my travels abroad to date. WHY? Because I made MY choices, I made MY decisions, I had to be MY own leader, I had to fend for MYSELF!

I found ME! Oh, how different it is when you can really follow your own INTUITION. Now, that is when life starts to become very FULFILLING! Not having to go around another person´s deficits and foibles. Not having to compensate for the deficiencies of another and compromising all along the way, in order to stay within the boundaries of a shorter-sighted, narrower-minded person.

Well, that is all in my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN. These were the best years of my life. That is what I found out even as I was writing them up. I had known a really, nasty NARCISSIST male. I had come through that, gone to college, started work and now had money of my own, albeit in a smallish quantity!

Four and a half years went by before I returned to my home village and that had not been a free choice. That had been a conditioned response but none-the-less, I NEEDED some time at home doing some de-toxing of a non-NARCISSISTIC nature!! My idea was the same as it had been for the last five years! I would find work and get saving again for the next trip.

I thought that I was ready today to start talking about this next NARCISSISTIC MONSTER who came into my life but obviously; I am NOT! Once again, I have never spoken of this hideous monster to anyone and I know that I NEED to but there is not one little piece of me that actually wants to revisit this awful part of my life, short though it was.

Instead, I have set up the scene in readiness for the revealing of this DEMON, who rattled my cage for a long, long time. I thank you for reading today if you have come this far. I would love to hear from you. Until the next post; have a NARCISSIST free evening. 

MOVING ON FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE!

FIRST TIMES FOR ANYTHING WILL ALWAYS MAKE AN IMPACT, BUT THE FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN, LEAVES DEEP SCARRING WITHIN! POST NO.8/N (A 16 minute read)

Hi again readers, how true that is and it had been my focused objective to try and salvage as much as I could of the time so sorely misused. I had that which no child sufferer of NARCISSITIC ABUSE ever had. A solid, determined, devoted and supportive parent. MY DAD!!!

Catching up on the school work was one thing but the friendships had all been completely shattered and attending school had become a very daunting occupation. I was assigned a therapist who actually dismissed me after two sessions but as all at school thought that I was completely off my rocker, no one thought to check back with the therapist!

As such, I continued to go for these therapy sessions for the remainder of the school course!!! No, my parents did not know and the school as I said, did not think to check back with them either. Add to that my regular trips to the hospital which finally came to a point of reduction, once a week instead of twice, to once a fortnight, to once a month, as I could now continue healing that awful physical wound at home!

Between these two excuses and the school´s complete failure to check up on my movements, actually meant that I was still out of school for at least half of the week´s classes. But I was spending most of that time in the municipal library working on the tasks in hand. So, I did use the time profitably. In fact I found it so much easier to work without the strain of my peers and their comments!

LIFE AFTER THE BREAK-UP WITH A NARCISSIST MALE

I had come very close to being removed from home and placed in a care centre. I knew that I did not want that. In one of my two sessions in the mental health centre, I was put into a group therapy session which maybe I will talk on another time. My therapist made a smart move there. Being in a group of 16 young girls and boys, all of them from care instituitions, well, no, I did not belong in that realm.

No, I could not let my father down! I was not thinking of myself at that time, only that my beloved father just did not deserve the pain and anguish that he was suffering by my actions. I made a very concerted effort to repair the damage caused to my family. My father was brilliant and my elder sister was also a tower of support.

On one of my mornings at school, a girl from the year below me, made a beeline for me. I knew her as she was a very good hockey player and had joined the school hockey team which I HAD been part of and no longer was! Another of the losses as a result of this sad relationship with a male NARCISSIST.

"Was I sure that I did not want to go back to this male?" she asked me. I was quite stunned actually that she had had the sensitivity to ask. I told her that "NO, NO and NO, I did not want anything to do with him ever again." I told her that he was a nasty, violent person and that she did not want to get involved with him either.

I as yet, had not crossed paths with him since the break-away! But I was nervous and shaky most of the day. He would know that I was at school and could possibly come to persecute me. Maybe that was why it was so much easier to stay off school and work in the city library. I FELT safer there! He couldn´t find me there! 

ANXIETY, JUST ONE OF THE MANY EMOTIONS CREATED BY A NARCISSIST MALE! Photo by Nik on Unsplash.

THE CHAIN OF ABUSE CONTINUES

Sadly, this sweet young girl fell for his charms and started a relationship with him. It was just ten days later that she once again made a beeline for me and I could see the bruising around her face and mouth. The tears poured forth as they are doing now, I put my arms around her and cuddled her tightly. She was a year younger than me. Like I had been prepared for that level of violence and she was similarly totally unprepared.

She did thank me because she recognized that I did not say those things because of jealousy, oh, no! I tried to prevent a lovely girl having to know what I now did. Her father had called in the police and got on his case but he had probably just got a fine and been told to keep away. She had got out quickly and lighter than I but she also had a devoted father who stepped up as her true saviour.

Some months later, out on the town by myself, I crossed paths with my former group of female friends from school and guess what, they were sitting with my NARCISSIST. I could not believe it. They had completely shunned him and me because of my connection with him. Yet now, here they all were, FAWNING over him.

He saw me and beckoned me over. I went and said hello to the girls. Straight away he began to try and apologize and tell me how much he missed me but NO, I was not going to fall for his S**T again. So I left and went elsewhere that evening.

A few weeks later I found that one of my former group of friends was now going out with him! I could barely credit that. She was the quiet, shy type but very pretty. He had picked the most vulnerable one of the group. This was another of his tactics to injure me just as the hockey girl, who I had spoken favourably of to him.

They had been chosen deliberately to get to me. Well, the hockey girl I did suffer for, but for her misfortune, not that he was with another girl, no way. But with this former friend of mine who had blanked me out since I met him??????? To HELL with you ALL! It was not many days before she too came in to school with the tell tale signs of physical NARCISSISTIC abuse!

Of course, I did not take any pleasure in seeing that. I had told them how awful he was when I had recognized the fact myself. But our damage had been done and our friendship completely broken apart, so those last two terms of secondary school were particularly lonely ones for me personally.

ANOTHER PRINCE CHARMING IN DISGUISE???

I cannot go through all of these hideous males without mentioning the one that I misjudged totally and in fact, it was only as I was writing about him in my second book ON THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT Paperback that I saw him for what he really was. A male victim of a NARCISSIST female partner. I had judged him as the NARCISSIST and not gone for a full-blown relationship with him.

My Dad must have been horrified at seeing the tatoos that this one had all over him. I WAS!!! But he was SO, SO, SO, VERY CHARMING. Oh, how I fell for that guy! I am not going to ever share how we met on paper but I will say to his credit, that he has been the most wonderful and exciting sexual partner that I have ever known!

He was married to his abuser. At just 18 years of age, he was married. It did not occur to me to ask that question of an 18 year old. I found out when she nearly ripped my head off and never will I forget her voice yelling out at me, "YOU´VE BEEN F***ING MY ´USBAND!"

"Pardon me!" I said in an oh, so, polite voice. I had never so much as seen her face before. "Who was her HUSBAND?" I enquired. To which she just leapt on me and started biting, scratching, punching and kicking me. Fortunately for me, this Prince Charming was close to hand and he got hold of her by her long, blonde, crimped hair, which he twisted round his hand and said, "Get down you bitch, she is ten times the person you will ever be!"

Well, you see, I did not know at that point in my life, that there existed the female NARCISSIST, even though I was living with a trio of them. That is precisely why a person maybe does not recognize NARCISSISM and NARCISSISTIC ABUSE. It has been their bread and butter at home always.

But he was showing me many of the hallmarks of the NARCISSIST that I had recently freed myself from. He was getting in trouble with the police and building a criminal record. He had tatoos all over himself and it was not long before he added my name to his collection. "NO!" I said to him, "That is really not necessary. Please do not do that!"

The first NARCISSIST had had my name tatooed on his arm and I had also pleaded with him not to do so. He though, was also insisting that I tatooed his name on my arm. "NO WAY!" And I managed to stay firm on that one. As I saw in my group therapy session, this was common practice amongst these troubled children and all the girls in the groups had male names etched in permanent ink on their arms to accompany the multiple scars left from attempts to slash wrists.

I just knew that I did not want to be involved in a life that was not mine. Our relationship therefore, was a "When we cross paths" one and it worked sublimely well. He divorced the wife, disappeared for a while into prison and I went off to college, having actually got the choice of places at the three technical colleges that we had in the area!

HEALING THE SCARS LEFT BY NARCISSISTIC ABUSE AND MOVING ON

When I turned up for my first day at college, it seemed so normal and so natural. Yet, I could see how close I had come to leaving school with absolutely no options going forward. Exactly what the NARCISSIST ex had done himself and was attempting to create the same situation of vulnerability and desperation that he was in for me!

I had chosen the only one of the three colleges that was not close enough to travel to and from each day. Once more, my mother was railing at my father and him wasting his money on me. He agreed, like I, that it would do me good to be in a completely new environment with no reminders of the past, where I could really concentrate on my formation as a young adult.

It was a great decision; it was. There was not one face that I knew and that was its blessing. It was a completely new start and I threw myself into it fully; I did. I quickly made some friends, I got on well with the girls in my lodgings too. Student life FELT good again. NO, of course we were far too young still to be making working decisions!

There was still much more growing to do and grow we all did. Each in our own individual way and each with our own individual style. That was one of the things that FELT so liberating going on to college. I had been in school uniform for five years solid, me and every other secondary school pupil. Wearing other clothes only happened at weekends and nights out.

Now we could wear just what we FELT like wearing. It FELT great being a care free adolescent. The pain of the last two school years was left behind and I left all of those contacts behind too. There was no boyfriend in particular. No, I was not on for any emotional attachments at that time. I had built a fabulous relationship with a fantastic girl who was in my group and we were having FUN, FUN and yet more FUN!

Much I could say of her and our comings and goings and she was such a great friend. I shared with her my troubles of the past and found that whilst she had not been violently beaten, she had had a narrow escape from a nasty type and we were thoroughly enjoying our young, free and single female status again.

Laughter and fun became the mainstay of every day and evening. On Friday afternoon we would all collect our cases and get on our respective coaches back to our home towns. My Dad would be waiting in the city for my arrival and I loved those 20 minutes in the car with him, filling him in on my week and catching up with him and his week.

I was recovering, not only was I recovering but I was now beginning to bud. Those first scars left from my NARCISSISTIC ABUSE were no longer giving me any cause for upset and the festering crater that had been left in my arm, had finally healed and I had my first layer of skin grow across the surface. It would be another ten years before that physical wound finally scarred firmly.

The details are patchy, Prince Charming was being released and asked if I could collect his flat keys from a friend and meet him at the flat. Well, what a stunt me and my buddy pulled off to get me out of college and back to my home city in time for the said reunion. He was irrestible and I will say it again for you, the sexual reciprocity with a male is their powerful draw!

HEADED IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, BUT STAYING ON COURSE!

He had the idea that now he was divorced and recovering himself and freed up to boot, that maybe we could now, now that I was over 16 years old, start living together. Unbelievably so but true none the less, the coach that brought me home from college actually drove past where he lived. I could literally get dropped off 50 metres from his.

And that is what I would do. I would get off and spend the Friday night with him. The Saturday morning, another if you can believe it, lucky shot for me, was that one of the hairdressers that worked in my local hair salon, where I also had a Saturday job, passed through this way too. So, I could get a lift back to my village with her and do my Saturday shift.

I would then go home and spend the weekend with my family. To be up at 5am on the Monday morning to be picked up at 5.45am by taxi to get the coach off to college. The initial shine of novelty had worn off and in effect we realized that we were somewhat crippled by archaic systems. I had made my decision to contact my home city college and see if I could get a place there to do my second year.

Actually I was really missing being at home. I had needed that time and space but oh, how I missed my Dad, my home, my bedroom, our garden, my Mum´s cooking. It had been good to have some independence but I knew that I was in no hurry at all to leave home. And I also missed my fantastic, lively home city!

I had been granted a place at my home city college and was overjoyed, although I did FEEL that I was abandoning my dear friend but I had to make the best decision for myself and it was the right decision, oh, yes, it was! Meantime, the summer holidays were ours to enjoy and I spent most of them with Prince Charming.

Sadly, his past was now crowding him and overtaking him. The consequences of past actions now coming back to be accounted for. I loved him dearly, I still do. He was not NARCISSIST but he had learned NARCISSISM from a female NARCISSIST. He had been led completely away from his natural path and it seemed now as if he would never be able to return to it.

I just knew that I did not NEED to be having so much contact with the police! I told him straight. "I love you but I don´t want your lifestyle, understand me please!" And he did, he let me go with no violence at all but I continued to "See him when I saw him," for the next six years.

RECONCILIATION WITH THE PAST!

I turned up for my first day at my new college and FELT rather lonely as of course, many were now in the second year of their courses and friendships were well established. I knew that I wanted to come here, this was my home city that had always been so full of good things for me. I did not want to become alienated from it and all from the FEAR of crossing paths with that hideous NARCISSIST of my past!

I FELT a tap on my shoulder and a voice said, "What the F**K are you doing here?" I turned and saw my friend and colleague from my first year. I FELT as though I had just been lifted up into the air. "Why didn´t you tell me that you were coming too?" I cried in delight. "You didn´t really think that I was going to be able to stick that crew without you, did you?" was her reply.

I wrote about this in my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback Fun was assured for our second year and now back on our own, old stomping ground but with a whole new mottley crew. And yes, it was quite a year. I crossed paths with the NARCISSIST ex and was surprised that he started to talk as if nothing bad had ever happened. How he would love to start seeing me again.

"NO; You had your chance. You had many chances to prove your affection for me. You are out of my life for good. To HELL with you!" And yes, I will admit that my stomach was churning, my head was reeling but it seemed as if he was not even the same person that I had met a year and a half before. I saw him as ugly, uncouth, a nothing. HE showed me the tatoo with my name. "I won´t ever remove that!" he said.

"It is nothing to do with me! GOODBYE!"

In the Autumn I met the guy who has been my only productive sentimental partner throughout all of my nearly 58 years now. And I FELL deeply in love with him. He got on great with my Dad, my Dad really liked him and I was to spend the next two and a half years learning of reciprocal love and relationships. Though those paying close attention will remember that I continued to have sexual interludes with Prince Charming for the next six years.

So, I guess you can see what that actually means. They were a beautiful experience those two and a half years. It was with great sadness that we separated by mutual agreement as we were clearly wanting to go down very different paths and having put so much aside for a complete waster, this male did not want me to put aside my dreams just as he did not want to put aside his.

This was my first real adult sentimental relationship and I will always treasure that time spent with him. The differences between a good, healthy, sentimental relationship and a sick, twisted, NARCISSISTIC relationship are many but if I were to pick the most noticeable, it is the prescence of HAPPINESS and the FEELINGS of BLISSFUL DELIGHT in the company of that one person, as opposed to FEAR, ANXIETY, PANIC, APPREHENSION and all FEELINGS of a negative nature.

Thanking you for reading with me today. I do have a follow tab in the right-hand panel should you wish to come on board this INFJ female´s Trains of Thought and it would make my day to hear your thoughts and views. In the next post I will begin to recount my second encounter with a demonic NARCISSIST male, so please look back for that.

THE NARCISSIST SPINS A WEB TO TRAP YOU IN?

MANY OF US KNOW THAT WE HAVE BECOME ENTANGLED WITH A NASTY, CONTROLLING MALE BUT HOW DID WE GET TRAPPED? POST NO.7/N (A 12 minute read)

Continuing on from the previous post and the next phase of NARCISSISTIC abuse in a new sentimental relationship. So far the NARCISSIST had worked consistently on breaking all of your important bonds with family and friends, which had left you FEELING isolated and ostracized. In other words; you are now VERY VULNERABLE!

He is your saviour, he will stand by you, he knows what you are worth. "You are too good for all of them!" he will tell you and "You are better off without them!" "You don´t need them, you have got me!" And now being severed from many of those long-standing connections with your reality, the NARCISSIST has succeeded in manouevring you into his own true space of VULNERABILITY!

He can now begin to reflect his self upon you and as you have no one else to contradict him, you fall into his web of chains. He has you trapped by your own desire for intimacy and understanding, together with sexual reciprocity. He has turned you away from all that was good and positive and is now trying to get you totally tuned into his own negative vibes!

THE CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR BEGINS!

I can see that point in this relationship here and now in retrospect and though I did not know what lay around the corner for me, I do know that INFJ type as I am, I did FEEL that he was trying to dominate my doings and comings and goings!

When one evening this NARCISSIST refused to take me home and indeed took us a long way from my home, my beloved father stood up to defend his daughter. There were always two people in my life whose love was unconditional; my father and my elder sister.

The police were informed that I was missing, surely with this NARCISSIST male. The other set of parents confirmed this too and fortunately for me, we were found in the early hours of the morning and my father told this NARCISSIST male that he was to not come near me again!

I was packed off to my grandmother´s home for a month and whilst my anguish was absolute initially, as the days passed by, I began to FEEL safer again and knew that I really did not need that relationship at all. I crossed paths with a regular guy type in my grandmother´s town and actually explained to him all that had been going on!

"Promise me that you won´t ever go back with him! You have got off lightly! He is a nasty piece of work, be sure of that!" He reminded me what it was to have a normal conversation with a positive, light-hearted, happy, easy-going male again. How different that FELT. There was no tension, no flare-ups of tempers, just chat and laughter.

He wrote his phone number on a bit of paper and put in into the back pocket of my jeans. I will say this to anyone reading right now, "ALWAYS CHECK YOUR POCKETS AND BAG BEFORE YOU GO TO SEE YOUR NARCISSIST!" I had forgotten about this bit of paper and out on my first night back in my home town, I crossed paths with my NARCISSIST.

KNOWING PHYSICAL VIOLENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME!

I still cannot understand how my resolve gave way under his pressuring and in spite of all the warning signals, I went back with him. His hands were all over my buttocks and the fingers went in my pockets! I am not going to write up the words spoken but suffice to say that his ego was damaged, even though we were officially separated, according to him I had been unfaithful and needed putting in my place!

Bang, crash, wallop, I did not even know what had happened. I just knew that I was on the floor with my head spinning and blood pouring down my cheek and throat. "It is your fault!" I was told. "How could I hurt him so badly? How could I care so little about him?" But this time, I could not get away. 

He quickly changed tack and cleansed my wounds, apologizing profusely at the same time but reminding me that it had been my fault, I had provoked that fit of rage. Bearing in mind that all I had done was have a few chats with this regular guy, I could hardly believe this response of his. But of course, he was NARCISSIST; not a regular guy.

It was the very first time that I had seen my face disfigured and heavily bruised. I was terrified and I knew that I had to break free from this awful male. He found every which way to tie me to him and it was during the school summer holidays that I found myself literally trapped and locked up in his home with his parents off on holiday.

Prior to that moment in time, I had by pure coincidence crossed paths one night with another Prince Charming (a real one), who was the elder brother of a primary school girl-friend. He saw me being treated with something less than kindness that night and also slipped me his telephone number and said, "If you need help, please call me, whatever time of day or night!"

Like I was going to get the chance to communicate with anyone other than this damned NARCISSIST! The actual details are now hazy in my mind as I worked very hard to get over this whole ugly, painful episode of my life, which was just six months or so but seemed like an eternity.

I could see that this male was not a good alcohol drinker, meaning that with a very small quantity of alcohol he would start getting very nasty, possessive and dominating. Neither was he a good consumer of recreational drugs, whereas I had become a part-time weed smoker and had a far greater tolerance than he.

It was the only plan that I could in effect execute, being isolated and locked in as I was. So, I encouraged him to get opening his mother´s bottles of German liquers (they were beautiful!!) and get guzzling. Then the smoke and anyone who is not a weed smoker will find that if they have drunk a good amount of alcohol prior to smoking weed, they will very likely pass out!

That is what I was counting on! I had made an attempt to leave when he was sleeping a few days earlier but he had heard me and blocked my escape but of course, now he was on the alert. I had been severely punched and could barely see out of one eye, such was the swelling. My top lip looked as though I had overdone the Botox and I was in physical and mental agony!

MAKE-UP IN THIS PICTURE! I REMEMBER THE PAIN OF REAL BRUISING! Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash.

STEP UP THE REAL PRINCE CHARMING!

I was being so loving and sweet natured with him, trying to lull him into a false sense of security, which I succeeded in doing. His guard was down and I piled on the intoxication, I was giving him blow-backs and I could see that yes, I was going to be able to knock him out for the count.

He was out, unconscious, in the land of total oblivion and I wasted not one second in getting my things together and climbing out of the kitchen window. It was somewhere around 3am and out in the countryside as we were, total silence lay over the neighbourhood.

I ran and I ran. I knew I had some 5 miles between me and home and all of that lay across open fields. He had a motorbike, I was on foot. There was a telephone box! I had just the one coin and I phoned my saviour. "I´m on my way!" he said. "Keep yourself out of sight just in case! I´ll be 10 minutes!"

When I heard the engine of a car and saw the headlights coming in my direction, I FELT such a sense of relief. He leapt out of the car and helped me in. "Come on, you´re safe now. I´m taking you home!" First though, we stopped at his house and I thought, "OH, NO! Have I got to pay for this favour in kind?"

He made me a strong coffee and got the first aid kit out and began treating my wounds. I was shaky and anxious, terrified as I explained the ordeal that I had suffered. "Don´t be afraid of me, I am not going to take advantage of your vulnerability! I am not like him!"

I did not want to go home and face my family but he convinced me that it was what I had to do and as he said, I owed him a favour. "How about we go out for dinner when you´re healed and we´ll have a good talk about it all!"

Yes, I did go out with him for the evening a few weeks further down the line and we had such a laugh together, he was such good company. The contrast with the violent NARCISSIST that I had just escaped from could not have been greater. "NO, NO, NO and NO, I assured him. There will be no going back now!"

THE AFTERMATH OF THE DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH A MALE NARCISSIST!

As I found out myself personally, the physical wounds heal pretty quickly but the psychological wounds take a lot longer to even begin to heal. I am having to stop again and again now as I am writing, to wipe away the torrents of tears. I am torturing myself right now but this will be the end of this demon. I am exposing him to the light of day. I will no longer cover up his truth and I will off load my SHAME in doing so.

I had missed so much school time and had fallen way behind. My school insisted that I went for therapy, which meant more classes missed. I had suffered from a rare reaction to the BCG vaccine that we had been given at school the year before which had left me with a festering crater in my left upper arm. That was requiring initially, twice weekly trips to a specialist hospital for treatment!

That meant even more school time missed! I was in a mess and had it all to do! But it was my young female therapist who pulled just the right trigger. My father!!!! "I didn´t want to hurt my father and I was crippling him!" That was the beginning of my cure and bless my father´s heart and all of his parental care. He stood by me so steadfastly and completely and totally supported me in my catching up.

I was a year behind in my course work. I was being told that I would not be sitting exams. My father would see that I got the chance to sit my end of secondary school exams even though he had to pay for the privilege. It was a truly unhappy six months with so much going on and the fear of ignominy beckoning me!

My mother on the otherhand, did not miss any opportunity to have a go at me. My father would tell her again and again. "Give over! Let the past belong to the past! STOP raking up old ground!" Together we pooled our resources and well, with a truly talented man like my father, that was ever going to give me a tremendous boost.

He lined US up a task list and a work schedule to try and get all of this course work done so that I could at least meet the deadlines for handing in that two years worth of work, without which I would not be eligible to sit the written part of the exams.

HIS history project was just outstanding! When the envelope arrived in the post at home with the exam results, my father´s first question was "How did WE do with the history project, luvvie?" "Grade A Dad, Grade A! What would I do without you, my beloved Dad?" OUR history project was never returned to me infact.

It was taken on a tour of the secondary school circuit and shown as a perfect model of how to put together a soild history project. My beloved Dad´s work was used as an example to all! Brilliant Dad, just brilliant! "So WE did pretty well then, didn´t WE? You see how much WE were able to salvage in just a fraction of the time alloted!"

Much of the rest was a foregone conclusion really! Very high grades for my English language and English literature. The literature being possible because my elder sister had read those books and shared her knowledge of them with me. I FELT like a jammy bugger for passing that one with top grades, I did. 

The English language was all my own work and I had got two years together in the space of three months. We had to do a talk on a chosen subject for 15 minutes too, with questions from the examiners on the chosen topic. We had the use of the blackboard and ourselves. No, I had not had time to prepare anything in this case.

Off the cuff, I stood in front of the examiners and did an in depth talk on the usage or abusage of recreational drugs. Both stimulants and depressants. Drawing cannabis plants and opium plants on the blackboard, writing their scientific names in Latin and explaining the effects of their usage, positive and negative, along with the secondary effects.

My confidence was sublime as it always is when I really know what I am talking about. When the question and answer time began, well, like I did not get a grilling from those examiners, who seemed HELL BENT on tripping me up somewhere! They were not able to do so. "Very well researched, very well presented. Very knowledgeable answering to all questions asked. Clearly has a full domination of the subject matter." Another top grade.

Drama, I was a natural and have been acting solidly for the last 28 years with this NARCISSIST who I have shared life with. Top grade there, of course. Maths, very good too! French, no sweat, top grade too! "Not too bad luvvie, not too bad!" said my Dad with some relief.

My mother´s take was inevitably, "Just look at what you could have achieved if you had tried?" Yes, she was right but my father took the right line, as always. Don´t re-criminate again and again. Try to repair the damage, put all the efforts into repair and salvage as much as possible, given the late stage of the game!

My love for that one person and his love for me, has been my salvation all my life. I am just grateful that he cannot know of my actual misery but I know that this current NARCISSIST male came in to my life just a year after I lost my father. I was reeling and suicidal, it was this NARCISSIST who stepped up as my new Prince Charming/Dad!

In the next post I will take take you through my recovery process after that first fatalistic,  NARCISSISTIC male. Until then, have a great day yourselves and stay CLEAR of NARCISSISTS, please! If you would like to keep up to date with me, I have a follow tab in the right-hand panel. Or, how about you share your thoughts with me and drop me a comment, I would love to hear from you! 

DID I REALLY CHOOSE A NARCISSIST?

WHO CHOOSES WHO IN A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP? WAS IT YOUR FREE CHOICE? POST NO.6/N (A 10 minute read)

That may seem like an absurd question but none the less I am sure that all of us who find ourselves in a sentimental relationship with a NARCISSIST will ask ourselves this question. Did I really choose a NARCISSIST male as a sentimental partner? YES; I did! But in truth, NO; I did not! OH, NO! I did not KNOWINGLY choose to be involved with a NARCISSIST; of course I didn´t!

Not me, nor you, or your sister, or your best friend, or your mother perhaps, NO, not one of us KNOWINGLY chose to be abused by a male NARCISSIST. NO; not one of us! So, how do we manage to get trapped by these predating NARCISSIST males then!

WHY NOT PICK A REGULAR GUY?

Now there is another question for you! Why did we not pick regular guys as our sentimental partners instead of NARCISSISTS? Well, of course, the answer is quite clear to me now! NOW! In retrospect! So, off we go with NARCISSIST boyfriend no.1 and let´s have a retrospective look back and see how that whole ugly time of my life occurred.

Being just 15 years old at the time, I had limited experience with sentimental relationships with the opposite sex, as you may well imagine. I had by then had my first boyfriend who was every bit the regular guy type. Very nice, thoughtful and kind but not overly stimulating! That relationship lasted the weeks that it did and in fact came to its end because of a very attractive, bold-natured regular guy type, who was an awful lot more stimulating to be with.

His experience of girls was well known at secondary school and he had been partnering regularly with girls older than himself. There was a gulf of difference between these two young lads, both of whom were 16 years of age and in the same class at school!! Yes, that was an awkward situation and the first boyfriend did try seriously hard to rebuild our relationship but I had by then begun to meet older boys myself.

Mr. Stimulation was great fun to be with but nigh on impossible to see with any regularity; he was always in demand. And there were no more sentimental dalliances with boys from my own close home environment. Before meeting NARCISSIST boyfriend no.1, nights out at the weekend often meant close ups with members of the opposite sex!

There were the boring types who simply wanted a one-sided sexual encounter and the more stimulating types who also just wanted the sexual encounters but fortunately, two-sided ones. But none of this age group of males, the 18-20 year olds, were wanting to have sentimental relationships with the girls that they met.  

WHO MAKES THE FIRST MOVE?

As I wrote in my first book ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Paperback, now into the late 1970s as we were, the NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE notions, had all but completely faded away. It was easy to find casual sexual partners of the opposite sex but not so easy to find a male who did actually want to have female company beyond the sexual interactions!

I really do not know why I had gone to a local mobile disco again. It had been a long, long time since I had. But this time there was a guy that I had never seen around before locally and he couldn´t keep his eyes off me. He certainly looked more mature than the rest of the local lads! Who was he?

It was not long before he came and spoke to me and to say that he completely charmed me would not be strictly true. Maybe it was the tatoos on the arms!! I never have been a fan of tatoos on males. But he kept trying and as he was rather attractive, I arranged to meet him another time.

Now this is where I can see that I made a major blunder, like we all do with these NARCISSIST types. I was sincere with him. I was getting a lot of stick from my NARCISSIST mother and slacking at school which had its consequences to bear as well. At that particular moment in time, I FELT particularly beleaguered, totally misunderstood, always everyone´s scapegoat and all of that I explained to him.

He listened so attentively, he sympathized with me, he comforted me but beyond that, he also told me that he so understood me because what do you know? He knew exactly how I FELT as he had gone through all that I was now experiencing and what was more, he still was suffering at the hands of his NARCISSISTIC parents!!!

We seemed to be one and the same, that was how it FELT to me. He was very passionate and affectionate but would unsettle me by talking of running away together and getting married. "To HELL with our parents, we did not need them; we had each other!"

Before I continue any further, I am going to analyse the state of play even at this early stage of this NARCISSIST´S game of capture and domination! 

SOME OF THE EMOTIONS THAT NARCISSISTS SUFFER AND INSTILL INTO THEIR VICTIMS TOO! Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash.

THE NARCISSIST´S GAME PLAN REQUIRES TWO PLAYERS ON THE BOARD!

As I explained in Post No.3/N WHO ARE ADOPTED OR ADOPTIVE NARCISSISTS?, this young man was already a very troubled, tortured and unstable person when I met him. He was isolated from all that had been his world. But he had not been ostracized as he was telling me, oh, no! He had isolated himself from his adoptive family and was in self-destruct mode and destroy the adoptive parents too!

He was full of anger, hatred and bitterness, I can see that so clearly now. But his situation was not the same as mine but he made it seem like a mirror image of my own. INFJ type as I am, well, I took him at face value. Of course he was telling me his truth, why wouldn´t he? It never occurred to me that he was lying!!

This is all part of the love-bombing phase as it is clinically known! I would prefer to call it intensified grooming, as that is what in effect they are doing to you. They are grooming you into a false sense of equality and a false sense of kindred spiriting. They are so passionate and sexually active that they seem like the partner that you have never had yet!

The intensity of all this passion and long hours spent in deep conversation, emptying out your FEELINGS to this GROOM/PRINCE CHARMING makes it FEEL like a real relationship. During these early stages of the game, the covert NARCISSIST is setting up the board and allowing you to FEEL that you have free movement across the whole board.

Up to this point he was still playing the role of Prince Charming and absolutely lulling me into a false sense of security. That in simple terms means that by his stimulating company coupled with his stimulating sexual behaviour, I became a willing partner to this young 17 year old NARCISSIST male.

THE FIRST SIGNS OF THAT UNDERCOVER NARCISSISM!

It seemed initially as if nothing was wrong at all with this relationship except maybe one thing and that was his pressurising me to go astray! One thing that I have always known for sure, the one thing that has never come under any doubt at all to me, has been my father´s steadfast loyalty to me, his strange, little daughter.

I can now see that my father was this young NARCISSIST´S natural enemy. I had a true love bond with my father and that was a source of pain and envy for him. He could not FEEL that way but of course, that is what is always missing from a NARCISSIST´S life and that is a true love bond with someone, namely mother or father.

As he was no longer at school, he had no schedule and this was becoming very problematic to me. I knew that I did not want to keep getting in trouble at school but most afternoons he would be waiting outside the school gates on his motorbike and wanting to whisk me away. His persistence was absolute and I succumbed on most days.

The result being that I was not going home directly from school and having dinner with my family instead I was filling a void for this empty NARCISSISTIC being. He was consciously trying to distance me from my family and was succeeding to a degree. There were those days when I did not make it to school and letters being sent to my parents.

YES, all were in agreement that this young lad was a very bad influence on me. I was given more restrictions within my freedoms and I can see that my parents set boundaries that were very generous in truth. But he refused to comply with their boundaries. I would say to him, "Come on, I must get back home! I´ve got school in the morning!"

He would laugh and make a total mockery of our parents, schooling and their indoctrination methods. He would deliberately hold me back making me overstep the boundaries and receive the consequencial bollocking from my mother when I got in. I could see this was not what I wanted to be causing at home.

He would find the ways though to break those boundaries again and again. My school chums had now given me a wide berth, they did not like him and did not need the trouble with either family or school. Maybe their ostracization of me, just as my mother´s attitude towards me, both played absolutely into this young NARCISSIST´S hands.

School became an unfriendly place to be and home had become a very antagonistic place to be. My Prince Charming/covert NARCISSIST actually seemed like my saviour! The next phase of a NARCISSISTIC relationship. Your NARCISSIST actually seems to be the only true friend that you have.

Therefore, he is gaining ground and scoring many points over you even in these early days and weeks of the relationship. He is encouraging you at all times to draw battle lines and do battle with these people who you have always cared for, or had long-standing relationships with. By his own behaviour, he is not winning any support. By your own behaviour, you are losing all your support sources.

The ISOLATION has begun! And I will continue with that next phase of this ill-fated relationship in the next post. Can you look back now at a relationship with a NARCISSIST and see how the web was being spun and how you were being more and more entangled in that web? 

It is painful to recognize and admit one´s own errors of judgement but when we are dealing with NARCISSISTS, there is much underlying trauma left within us all and we must try to understand how and why it all happened, in order that we can finally flush those demonic memories out of our brain´s for good!

Thank you for reading and have a great afternoon!